This is my Story #recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by chinedu, May 17, 2012.

  1. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    Hi everyone,
    First of all I would like to apologize for how much you are going to read but I've got to put it all out. This is my story:

    I turned 20 on Monday last week and today was meant to be my 40th day of no PMO but I relapsed now I'm in a fix of whether to start at fresh with counting or move on. I discovered porn at the age of 15. My family and I just moved to Japan and we got cable with like 900 channels and you can't have that amount of channels without having some you know..stations. There were actually like 100 porn stations but you had to pay for them. I discovered this accidentally because the remote to the cable decoder was in japanese so it was trial and error for a while and one day I happened to switch to a porn station. I'm not good with words so I can't perfectly describe the rush I got from the images I was seeing. I can't even remember what was happening but I know the rush was lovely. So when my siblings and my parents weren't around I would flip through the channels for the 30 sec preview(that was all we were allowed to see before we were asked to pay). One day when I all the previews had expired I decided to check online. Later that day my dad called all of us because he had seen somethingS in the browsing history. I'm the oldest and so it was sort of obvious it was me. I tried lying but to no avail and he told me not to do it anymore unless he would tell my mum. I actually thought it was that simple. That I could just decide to stop watching porn; but obviously I was wrong.
    So I went back to school and internet access was sort of slow and there wasn't any privacy and to surf for porn was madness and this is when the fantasy came in. Used to fantasize on my bed during siesta. And one day I was playing with myself and I ejaculated. At that point I didn't know what I had done and I didn't know it was masturbation. So this became the norm every siesta. I was always looking forward to classes ending so that I could masturbate. It was until later that I knew I was masturbating.

    Fast forward 5 years and I'm still at it. I've got a smartphone which makes surfing for porn easier. But I have to say that someway along the way I really wanted to stop masturbating and watching porn. Not only because I felt bad after each binge but also I stopped doing the things I loved just to stay indoors and stream free porn videos online. I seriously don't know how I found www.yourbrainonporn.com last year. But I'm really grateful I did and any chance I get I spread the word. I'm from Nigeria and I school in Ghana(college) and watching porn isn't out of the ordinary just that people don't really talk about it. But I know of some people that do and I directed one of them to YBOP don't know if he checked it out. Anyway, I read all the articles on YBOP and watched all the videos. It became a ritual that once I got back from classes I would go online and check for new rebooting accounts and sometimes I even got fed up when there wasn't anything to read.

    I've tried rebooting 4 times now. I relapsed today as I stated earlier but I have to say that things are definitely better. I used to have panic attacks when I was a fresher and I couldn't walk out of my room without earphones. It was that bad. But now I deliberately leave my earphones in my room to enjoy the environment, listen to the hustle and bustle, keep eye contact with the girls I see and I have to say that my confidence levels have improved a lot too. One problem is that I'm a virgin and I'm a catholic. And its a sin to fornicate blah blah blah but I'm in the dilemma. I'm at that stage where peer pressure + hormones meet religion. I'm hoping that at the end of this reboot I can get a girl and have sex with her. I have a girlfriend though and she says she doesn't want to have sex because she doesn't want to get addicted to it..wtf?! Anyway its long distance so not really bothered.

    I think I'm going to continue counting. Starting from day 1 would be depressing now. I think I'm developing a chaser even. But I've got to say I'm a better person than I was in my first year at university. Had brain fog, depression, preferred being alone and with all these problems I still managed to get good grades. Right now I'm on a vacation until August and after this relapse today I've decided to look for a job as an intern next week. An idle mind is seriously messed up. Can't wait to see more benefits as I continue this reboot. I've got about 100 days until I resume. Imagine if I could stay PMO free for that amount of time. Wow!

    Last thing I want to add is that as I was one some of the my reboots I noticed that I am a Nice Guy. Started reading Robert Glover's book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I'm trying to apply those principles into my daily life. I put girls on this pedestal and feel that I'm not worth of their attention at times but things are changing. Really wish I could get a girlfriend that is available sexually. Not that that's the main thing but its surely part of it.

    At times I seriously don't know what to do. Sometimes I think of Robert Glover's book, the accounts of YBOP, my christian doctrine and myself. I try to put all these things in one and most times i get frustrated and depressed. My mum passed away 2 years ago and I've never been closed to my dad. I'm thinking of summing up courage and opening up about some stuff since he's the only parent I have. All these issues about girls. We only talk about sports and that's really sad.

    The reason I brought up the Glover thing is that I feel that after my reboot I won't still be able to get a girlfriend because of my anxiety when I want to talk to a girl but its a bit better.

    What do I want from this reboot? I want self-confidence. I've already seen how good it can be even when I relapse. I think that's the main thing because that can extend to all aspects of life, girls especially. Can't say anything about ED because I've never had sex before. I will soon start going to the gym again. I'm seriously out of shape; haven't been to the gym for 2 months.

    But I've got to say that I've learned a lot from my relapses about what my triggers are. What I've learned today is that I can't handle a smartphone. I'm giving the chip to my sister and she's very stubborn so I'm pretty sure I'm not getting it back. I'll be going to cyber cafes to post where everyone can see. Tomorrow is Day 41 of no PMO with one relapse. Still on the path of recovery.


    *Winners never quit and quitters never win*
     
  2. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    I also want to add that I want to make it out of this reboot as a man. I feel I've not matured yet in the things I do and say. I want that to change
     
  3. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Read your whole wall of text.

    Being slightly anxious while talking to a new girl - kinda normal.

    Reboot itself gives you some self-confidence but that won't beat the anxiety, you just have to practice practice practice (in this case - talk talk talk).

    Good luck on your path to maturity. ;)
     
  4. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    I guess so. There aren't many girls around here hopefully when I start interning next week I'll see some ;). But for sure I'll talk to the ones in school. If I get turned down I'll move on to the next one. I'm new to the forum by the way so if there's any other thing you would like to chip in please do.. thanks! :)
     
  5. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    Day 1
    And the war against pornography/masturbation has begun!!
     
  6. hanshin

    hanshin New Member

    You said you've tried rebooting 4 times now. Does that mean you had long periods between the attempts where you didn't care about abstaining at all and just kept looking at porn? Or does it mean you just relapsed 3 times?
     
  7. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    I've relapsed 3 times. Been trying to reboot since november last year. Sadly I relapsed again today. So tomorrow is day 1. Gosh. Good days are even the worst for a relapse to happen. Moving on
     
  8. hanshin

    hanshin New Member

    I see. Relapsing, however, does not mean you have to start over from scratch, because that's just not how it works. Read my journal -- I've had a few slips, but those only slowed down my progress a bit. Did you PMO or just MO?
     
  9. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    PMO..in that case I would have to start posting from day 41. I'm guessing everybody started their journal on the same day they started their reboot. I've been keeping my own journal by the way; its on my laptop. Going to read your journal now.
     
  10. hanshin

    hanshin New Member

    Well I guess that's the biggest difference then -- I've never PMO'd since starting my reboot. I've had several MO slips (just the physical sensation, no P or fantasy). PMO will obviously slow down the recovery more, but unless you binge for like a week or more, you won't have to start from zero.
     
  11. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    Guess I'll have to wait and see. Chasers are usually intense for me. I've got a lot of stuff lined up for the weekend hopefully that would get my mind of binging
     
  12. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    Reading my intro to the journal for the second time I realised that I left a lot out guess I was a bit hasty. Its already long though, I'll just have to be adding things along the way like this:

    There was a time in high school that I consciously decided to quit pmo. I did it for 6 weeks. I don't want to sound too cliche but that period was the best at the time. Everything was going for me. Girls, books, sports until I relapsed. I felt invincible.

    That's part of my motivation I guess. I've had a taste of how good it is to abstain. Right now I'm having the fear of the withdrawal symptoms hitting me hard like a train. The fight is on!
     
  13. hanshin

    hanshin New Member

    If you read my introduction, you know I defeated a sugar addiction a few years ago. During and afterwards I had occasional nightmares where I binged outside of the allotted "candy weekends". I woke up sweaty, feeling both relieved and miserable when I woke up -- LOL. I guess that helped me fight off the urges then -- just the thought of slipping terrified me. It hasn't been anywhere near as easy with this addiction however.
     
  14. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    That's a bit scary. Lol. I'll just take each as it comes
     
  15. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Why do you think you relapsed?

    I know myself quit well and I know if I do an activity and skip one time another time won't seem so bad. So you might want to keep in mind that you could get an urge to relapse once again in a short period of time.

    How do you prepare to hold on against urges to relapse?
     
  16. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    For this relapse, I think it happened because I was checking a dating website. Also I was checking my mail and a pop-up came up that was sexually explicit. I decided to check it out. I knew it was bad but I was also confident that I won't relapse that when it was too much I would pull out. Obviously that didn't happen. I also had chasers minutes later and I also gave in.

    I think I was already edging towards a relapse. Well right now I've got to go offline for a while. I've started getting interest in reading so that could help. The main thing is going offline because I don't watch tv so there aren't triggers there. I've also lost interest in watching movies. Plus there's this thing I do now whenever I get to 20 days. Whenever I get to 20 days I put on a bracelet to remind me of how far I've gone. Was meant to put another one on today. I guess I still will
     
  17. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    I also said that I'll start working next week so the boredom.

    Well this is a day after the relapse and I don't feel that guilty. Its still early to call I'm still deciding if this should be my day 1, I probably will at the end of today.

    I would also like to recommend to everyone having social anxiety and that feeling of needing to impress others to be accepted to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I saw myself on almost every page and I'm still applying the principles in it. Cheers.
     
  18. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    Day 2
    I decided that yesterday was day 1. My mood feels so low today. Will probably go out and get some fresh air. Everything seems to be irking me
     
  19. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    Day 4
    Its a miracle that I've not relapsed again. I'm saying this because I've been on a dating website for 2 days now trying to hook up. I realized after this episode that porn has seriously fucked up my perception of women; I objectify them. So deleted my account this morning. Even as I was chatting with some of the girls and negotiating in my mind I knew I was better than this.

    Was meant to start work today but something came up but I will tomorrow. I know I'm sexually frustrated but I've got to hold myself down, focus on the important things and hopefully a girl would be at the end of the tunnel.

    I seriously fucked up these 2 days, I've learned from it, never going back to that. Still on this reboot. Legoo!
     
  20. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    yes I relapsed yesterday. Don't feel bad though. Learning from my relapses. Today is Day 1
     

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