Hello everyone, today I decided to join this forum where I'll document my frustration with my vices. Probably it will be a lot of venting, which I'd rather than invest these frustrations into sexual fantasies or easy pleasures. My background Just like many of you I started to get hooked on the porn very young. First experience was around 9,10 years with a titty mag I found in the forest. Then at like 11 I guessed the password for porn channel on the TV - fucking 1234, I guess my parents weren't into encryption much. I would watch that shit for hours every day. Then got my PC around when I turned 13 and the surfing on the pleasure waves started for me. Unfortunately I had slow internet with limited bandwidth and my go to pussy dealer would be those flash games. When I look back in my childhood, first 5 years of porn didn't have as negative impact on my life as when I got older, the addiction had taken the toll on my brain and I started noticing negative effects when I was around 17,18,19. I'm 25 now. When I was around 22 I realized that I have a problem with it and couldn't really stop watching porn. It has been like three years where I can't really shake the habit. But on the positive side - over these three years, despite all the relapses I have reduced amount of pornography I watch significantly. The best thing about it is - I will never be okay with living in a porn addiction. I have noticed I have addiction prone personality. Since I was a kid I really loved sweet stuff, sugary food was my crack. I would drink 5 cups of tea a day, each with 3 spoonfuls of sugar on top of other sweet snacks. At some point I realised the problem and reduced my sugar intake a lot. My main sugar sources now is from 70% dark chocolate and fruits with some exceptions few times a month with what I'm satisfied. I was drinking quite high amounts of alcohol for 13 year old. It would start with cheap, strong beer (7-9 %) which I would drink on average 4 litres a week. Also at same time I started drinking I started smoking cigarettes. I was regular drinker till I turned 19 until I had my first lsd trip which changed my perception of the world and impacted my thinking quite significantly. It turned me on to not the best path for me, but a path I have no regrets taking. Good thing about that lsd trip was that I was no longer addicted to alcohol and despite all the drinks I had since then I don't feel like I could ever be an alcoholic (which runs in my family tree). After that trip I had 6 months of sobriety from alco and weed (stoner since 16). After that period of sobriety I had marijuana addiction problems, a habit I would periodically quit. I would smoke something like 40-120 days a year since I was 16. Even though I have never been diagnosed ( I plan to seek psychological help this month and have a proper diagnose) I feel like I have depression. First suicidal thoughts started at 13, but it got serious when I got 19 and I had quite heavy depressive episode (sleeping 12-16 hours a day and rest of waking day spent thinking about ending it all). These episodes come 1-3 a year since then and would last from a week to months, they would be less intense than the first one but nevertheless quite difficult. After starting dropping out of one uni at 19 because of depression and realisation that I don't want to dedicate my life in that field I went working for 2 years abroad. Then decided going to uni in a different field. Started out good, however I was living in dorms which was notorious for partying. It was a very fun year, full of social life and new knowledge but with regular drinking (barely any weed that year). After some reflection I decided to change my vice from alco to weed in the next year of studying because I thought it will be better for my body. That was a bad decision because despite all that drinking I wasn't addicted to drinking. To some it may sound silly but at any point if I wanted I could not drink for whatever amount of time and it would require minimal willpower. With weed it is different because I get hooked on it. My smoking habits always snowball into "smoke weed every day". 2nd year was my year of the stone. In addition I would discover that it is possible to buy drugs online, anything you want. It started a psychological addiction to lsd. My acid usage gradually increased and I have not been counting but I feel like I have eaten proximately 40-60 tabs of acid in my life. Half of those tabs have been very high dosage, so 1 tab would blow the mind of three people. My curiosity of drugs didn't stop here and I went on the quest of trying all the drugs ( with exception of meth, opiates and some others). Have done speed for like 5x, extasy for 10x, schrooms around 20 times, cocaine 2x, dmt 8x, 2cb once, benzos few times, Kratom 20x, ketamine 3x and maybe some else which I can't remember at this moment. At my 3rd year of uni I had the longest amount of sobriety and nofap streak - like 5 months sober and 2 months nofap. I was doing really good, very active socially involved in lot of volunteer work in uni, organising many events. Since my first year started heavily involve myself in uni's social life, getting more and more responsibilities and contats gradualy. At the third year I was elected the main guy of the organisation which was responsible for all student events in my faculty, some universities events, many inner events, many educational events for children and so on. Also my part faculty projects funding was going through our students union. On one had I was doing really good in some aspects- regularly training MMA, meditating, reading, swimming in freezing water regularly, nofap. But the pressure and suicidal thoughts got to me. At some point I relapsed on PMO and it went downhill. It is not easy to deal with depression. The beginning of 4th year I was still the leader of our union, I barely handled it, barely kept it together. The worst was on my last day of my duties ( where we have 4h long conference with long official part and fun unofficial part and its always with heavy discussions). That day was the worst day of my life when 1 hour before the beginning of the conference I got a phone call that my best friend had died from heroin overdose (i knew he had tried it, but never knew that he was secretly using it and hid it for 6 months). I kicked shit in my room in anger and injured my foot in the process. After 2h I had very strong swelling and pain in my foot and I had to chair that fucking conference for 4 hours like that. I couldn't walk for 3 days afterwards. This happened 1 year ago, last december. Fuck, this shit put me in another heavy depressive episode, and thats a reason why I dropped out, couldnt find any motivation. My porn use was very high during first 4 months of this year. At some point I snapped out of it, decided its best for me to start working, change environment. I always go to work abroad for summers and it does wonders for my depression for the first month, which is a great window of time to gain strength and willpower for the future. Like all these suicidal thoughts , urges to take drugs or porn takes a toll on my mind. I say no to these things in my head for 1000 times and it takes one yes to loose momentum. One thing I didn't mention, which is quite important in my journey is that when I was 19, I was heavy smoker. I was smoking almost a pack a day of red, long cigarettes. When I got broke I couldn't even fall asleep because I wanted to smoke, was going nuts from the cravings for a cigarette. So I made a really good decision to download Allen Carr's audiobook Easy way how to stop smoking. I listened to it for 3 or 4 hours and didn't even need to hear anymore. It changed my perception of my smoking addiction and I lost my cravings. I stopped smoking then and quit for like 7 month (first time I had not smoked for so long). I relapsed. The occuring theme in my relapses is folding under very high pressure/depression when my decisionmaking is not the brightest. I injured my knee during work, so I couldn't work anymore, had trouble walking, barely got into uni, was all the time lying down and being sad, broke, hungry, frustrated. I wanted just anything what would give me some pleasure in this grim situation. And I picked a pack of cigs. Best thing about it was, despite me smoking for the next 6 years, I would quit cigs every year 1-2 times and pick them up when I would fold under bad series of events, a depressive episode or high stress periods usually at the final exams. Yeah, so the best thing is that I had never been satisfied with smoking ever since. Similiar thing was when I discovered nofap movement. Just when you see it for what it is its hard going back and be okay with that addiction. So recently I got out of quite heavy depressive episode. It started with me finding a high paying job in construction.Employer knew knew I had no experience in construction but was okay with that. I worked there for 3 days, first day I had 1 guy who spoke minimal english and he could explain me what to do. He had to go to different site and I was left with a polish team where none of them could speak more than 10 words in english. Neither they were interested to show me what to do, so from 8 h I would do smth useful maybe 4 hours, clean everything up for like 2h and rest of the time learning by watching. Site supervisor saw me just standing there for too long time and said next day found out that they don't want me there anymore. Well I guess it had to happen. Unfortunately I relapsed in PMO once again. Then I found another job, but on the same day I injured my back. I couldnt move for the first 3 days. It basically put me in bed for 3 weeks which was depressive hell for me with constant P use. Now I have snapped out of it and its week pornfree, 3 days masturbation free. Despite this being a site dedicated to porn addiction most of the text here has been about drugs. The thing is pornography is the drug which I have consumed way more than any of the drugs mentioned here before. Porn has damaged my confidence my psyche with disguisting images way more that any of the drugs I have done. Despite the abuse, few of those drug uses have actually benefited me , my sanity and set me on a good path. Good thing is that I have not smoked a cigarettes and weed for 4 months. Last thing I did was Ketamine 3 months ago. Its great to be sober and I feel confident in myself that I remain sober. I went through depressive episode without the help of drugs and it will take more than that to break my will. However that porn thing it just is hard to quit, because I have this natural sex drive. I have to redirect it into getting back on my feet again, I finally feel like I can go to work again and I will find a job soon. Ok, I think its enough of venting. If you have read this wall of text I appreciate your time, thank you.