This is a place where I will let off some steam.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rambler, Dec 3, 2018.

  1. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    Hello everyone, today I decided to join this forum where I'll document my frustration with my vices. Probably it will be a lot of venting, which I'd rather than invest these frustrations into sexual fantasies or easy pleasures.
    My background​

    Just like many of you I started to get hooked on the porn very young. First experience was around 9,10 years with a titty mag I found in the forest. Then at like 11 I guessed the password for porn channel on the TV - fucking 1234, I guess my parents weren't into encryption much. I would watch that shit for hours every day. Then got my PC around when I turned 13 and the surfing on the pleasure waves started for me. Unfortunately I had slow internet with limited bandwidth and my go to pussy dealer would be those flash games. When I look back in my childhood, first 5 years of porn didn't have as negative impact on my life as when I got older, the addiction had taken the toll on my brain and I started noticing negative effects when I was around 17,18,19. I'm 25 now. When I was around 22 I realized that I have a problem with it and couldn't really stop watching porn. It has been like three years where I can't really shake the habit. But on the positive side - over these three years, despite all the relapses I have reduced amount of pornography I watch significantly. The best thing about it is - I will never be okay with living in a porn addiction.

    I have noticed I have addiction prone personality. Since I was a kid I really loved sweet stuff, sugary food was my crack. I would drink 5 cups of tea a day, each with 3 spoonfuls of sugar on top of other sweet snacks. At some point I realised the problem and reduced my sugar intake a lot. My main sugar sources now is from 70% dark chocolate and fruits with some exceptions few times a month with what I'm satisfied.

    I was drinking quite high amounts of alcohol for 13 year old. It would start with cheap, strong beer (7-9 %) which I would drink on average 4 litres a week. Also at same time I started drinking I started smoking cigarettes. I was regular drinker till I turned 19 until I had my first lsd trip which changed my perception of the world and impacted my thinking quite significantly. It turned me on to not the best path for me, but a path I have no regrets taking. Good thing about that lsd trip was that I was no longer addicted to alcohol and despite all the drinks I had since then I don't feel like I could ever be an alcoholic (which runs in my family tree). After that trip I had 6 months of sobriety from alco and weed (stoner since 16). After that period of sobriety I had marijuana addiction problems, a habit I would periodically quit. I would smoke something like 40-120 days a year since I was 16.

    Even though I have never been diagnosed ( I plan to seek psychological help this month and have a proper diagnose) I feel like I have depression. First suicidal thoughts started at 13, but it got serious when I got 19 and I had quite heavy depressive episode (sleeping 12-16 hours a day and rest of waking day spent thinking about ending it all). These episodes come 1-3 a year since then and would last from a week to months, they would be less intense than the first one but nevertheless quite difficult.

    After starting dropping out of one uni at 19 because of depression and realisation that I don't want to dedicate my life in that field I went working for 2 years abroad. Then decided going to uni in a different field. Started out good, however I was living in dorms which was notorious for partying. It was a very fun year, full of social life and new knowledge but with regular drinking (barely any weed that year). After some reflection I decided to change my vice from alco to weed in the next year of studying because I thought it will be better for my body. That was a bad decision because despite all that drinking I wasn't addicted to drinking. To some it may sound silly but at any point if I wanted I could not drink for whatever amount of time and it would require minimal willpower. With weed it is different because I get hooked on it. My smoking habits always snowball into "smoke weed every day".

    2nd year was my year of the stone. In addition I would discover that it is possible to buy drugs online, anything you want. It started a psychological addiction to lsd. My acid usage gradually increased and I have not been counting but I feel like I have eaten proximately 40-60 tabs of acid in my life. Half of those tabs have been very high dosage, so 1 tab would blow the mind of three people.

    My curiosity of drugs didn't stop here and I went on the quest of trying all the drugs ( with exception of meth, opiates and some others). Have done speed for like 5x, extasy for 10x, schrooms around 20 times, cocaine 2x, dmt 8x, 2cb once, benzos few times, Kratom 20x, ketamine 3x and maybe some else which I can't remember at this moment.

    At my 3rd year of uni I had the longest amount of sobriety and nofap streak - like 5 months sober and 2 months nofap. I was doing really good, very active socially involved in lot of volunteer work in uni, organising many events. Since my first year started heavily involve myself in uni's social life, getting more and more responsibilities and contats gradualy. At the third year I was elected the main guy of the organisation which was responsible for all student events in my faculty, some universities events, many inner events, many educational events for children and so on. Also my part faculty projects funding was going through our students union. On one had I was doing really good in some aspects- regularly training MMA, meditating, reading, swimming in freezing water regularly, nofap. But the pressure and suicidal thoughts got to me. At some point I relapsed on PMO and it went downhill. It is not easy to deal with depression.

    The beginning of 4th year I was still the leader of our union, I barely handled it, barely kept it together. The worst was on my last day of my duties ( where we have 4h long conference with long official part and fun unofficial part and its always with heavy discussions). That day was the worst day of my life when 1 hour before the beginning of the conference I got a phone call that my best friend had died from heroin overdose (i knew he had tried it, but never knew that he was secretly using it and hid it for 6 months). I kicked shit in my room in anger and injured my foot in the process. After 2h I had very strong swelling and pain in my foot and I had to chair that fucking conference for 4 hours like that. I couldn't walk for 3 days afterwards. This happened 1 year ago, last december. Fuck, this shit put me in another heavy depressive episode, and thats a reason why I dropped out, couldnt find any motivation. My porn use was very high during first 4 months of this year.

    At some point I snapped out of it, decided its best for me to start working, change environment. I always go to work abroad for summers and it does wonders for my depression for the first month, which is a great window of time to gain strength and willpower for the future. Like all these suicidal thoughts , urges to take drugs or porn takes a toll on my mind. I say no to these things in my head for 1000 times and it takes one yes to loose momentum.

    One thing I didn't mention, which is quite important in my journey is that when I was 19, I was heavy smoker. I was smoking almost a pack a day of red, long cigarettes. When I got broke I couldn't even fall asleep because I wanted to smoke, was going nuts from the cravings for a cigarette. So I made a really good decision to download Allen Carr's audiobook Easy way how to stop smoking. I listened to it for 3 or 4 hours and didn't even need to hear anymore. It changed my perception of my smoking addiction and I lost my cravings. I stopped smoking then and quit for like 7 month (first time I had not smoked for so long). I relapsed. The occuring theme in my relapses is folding under very high pressure/depression when my decisionmaking is not the brightest. I injured my knee during work, so I couldn't work anymore, had trouble walking, barely got into uni, was all the time lying down and being sad, broke, hungry, frustrated. I wanted just anything what would give me some pleasure in this grim situation. And I picked a pack of cigs.

    Best thing about it was, despite me smoking for the next 6 years, I would quit cigs every year 1-2 times and pick them up when I would fold under bad series of events, a depressive episode or high stress periods usually at the final exams. Yeah, so the best thing is that I had never been satisfied with smoking ever since. Similiar thing was when I discovered nofap movement. Just when you see it for what it is its hard going back and be okay with that addiction.

    So recently I got out of quite heavy depressive episode. It started with me finding a high paying job in construction.Employer knew knew I had no experience in construction but was okay with that. I worked there for 3 days, first day I had 1 guy who spoke minimal english and he could explain me what to do. He had to go to different site and I was left with a polish team where none of them could speak more than 10 words in english. Neither they were interested to show me what to do, so from 8 h I would do smth useful maybe 4 hours, clean everything up for like 2h and rest of the time learning by watching. Site supervisor saw me just standing there for too long time and said next day found out that they don't want me there anymore. Well I guess it had to happen. Unfortunately I relapsed in PMO once again. Then I found another job, but on the same day I injured my back. I couldnt move for the first 3 days. It basically put me in bed for 3 weeks which was depressive hell for me with constant P use. Now I have snapped out of it and its week pornfree, 3 days masturbation free.

    Despite this being a site dedicated to porn addiction most of the text here has been about drugs. The thing is pornography is the drug which I have consumed way more than any of the drugs mentioned here before. Porn has damaged my confidence my psyche with disguisting images way more that any of the drugs I have done. Despite the abuse, few of those drug uses have actually benefited me , my sanity and set me on a good path. Good thing is that I have not smoked a cigarettes and weed for 4 months. Last thing I did was Ketamine 3 months ago. Its great to be sober and I feel confident in myself that I remain sober. I went through depressive episode without the help of drugs and it will take more than that to break my will. However that porn thing it just is hard to quit, because I have this natural sex drive. I have to redirect it into getting back on my feet again, I finally feel like I can go to work again and I will find a job soon.

    Ok, I think its enough of venting. If you have read this wall of text I appreciate your time, thank you.
     
  2. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    Today I saw a video with Jordan Peterson and he inspired to add an addition to this journal.

    Every time I watch porn I see it as a damage to my psyche. There are all kinds of porn out there, but in general it's nasty out there. There are videos where people have sex and it is beautiful, sensual, can be used as a tool to learn more about sex, what can it be. These videos can be used as a tool from which people can learn to be more passionate to partner. But I have barely watched any of that, my mind has been drawn to gradually more and more extreme images.

    Though not all, but most of the things I used to watch I would find disgusting after viewing, like most of us do. After busting that nut the realization comes that its nothing to be proud of watching a woman who is gobbling like a turkey get stabbed by dicks. Every time I watch it I would trick my mind, create this illusion that I from 3 to 500 woman have decided to present their naked bodies to me. And after each time Its like waking up from a dream that I can't and haven't achieved any of that. The damage to my mind comes from unrealistic expectations, of disturbing images and shame which has impacted my confidence. It drains me of not only sexual but general confidence.

    If I continue to watch pornography then there is low probability that things will change for the better for me. It will rob me of that strength to make things right for myself. Hard to remember of such day when I have PMO'd and then went to do something awesome. But way easier to remember what have I done and achieved during periods of abstinence. Its that hunger that has driven me. I view porn as a drug, despite it being digital I ingested it through my eyes and it would cause strong physical reaction in me. I have had my periods of sobriety and when I'm sober from P and other vices I'm still left with that hunger to get fucked up. I have fortunately found ways how to get high on life. It's the good old exercise, social life and doing things that need to be done. My favorite way how to get physical pleasure is to swim in freezing water. It gives euphoria just like a drug and has many noticeable health benefits. I find cycling to be able to evaporate all those built up frustrations of the day. I like how social life, interactions with people turns off that part of my brain that wants to kill itself. But If I use P all that hunger is gone to get high on social life, enjoy the exercises and to get that joy of accomplishment. If for the next 5 years I would choose to regularly PMO then I don't believe that I will finish my studies, find a partner, improve my posture, become physically stronger , be able to concentrate for long periods of time, not be okay with living the life I don't want to live. In fact I think if I will all the time PMO I will be constantly depressed guy with a weak handshake, dry conversation and tired eyes.

    It was several months ago I was a stoner and regular porn user. When I decided to quit again it felt like a veil is taken off from my eyes. I thought I was doing good, but actually I was living a very shit life. Being around people I don't want to be around with, living in a place that is under my standarts, earning less money than I could. In just one month I changed all of it. Unfortunately it turned out very bad, I lost the new job and later injured my back.But I really don't give a fuck. I can't regret a single thing. How can I regret doing something to improve my mental and financial wellbeing. Its way harder for me to regret things I have done and my most of regret are from things I haven't done.

    If I choose to be free from porn addiction in next 5 years my life will improve significantly. I don't think it will cure me of depression it's neither a cause of it, just a fuel to it. But 90% of my day will be improved. I will be with less distractions in my life. My choices will be more healthy and will lead to career which satisfies me both financially and mentally. Im a way different animal when I'm confident in myself and when I'm not. And I will be my confident self. My master wont be my addictions, but I will accept rational thinking and gut feeling as my advisors. I believe I will find a partner, in fact not only I believe I also have 0 doubts. What hold me back from relationship often is that I feel that my presence in someones life will bring them down eventually because no one really wants to hear that sad deppresing shit I have inside of me. But this time I will not have porn addiction which kills my confidence. In the next 5 years instead of trying to cure the depression with drugs I will instead go and seek proffesional help. Like that self medicating stuff has only put me not 1 but 2 steps backwards every time I do it.

    I know that I will feel pain, a lot of frustration and desperation during my journey out of the addiction swamp. But its totally worth it. I will come out of it okay. Its been a really long time for me since my last cigarette. And many times I've had the cravings to smoke one, but as soon as I got one I would be so glad that I don't have to buy them and inhale in my lungs. That relief is actually very euphoric, a true joy. On one hand its even better with PMO. Because I actually enjoy being horny. Like when I just concentrate how I feel during moments of sexual hunger, it actually empowers me. When I have low libido its even hard to flirt with a woman because I don't feel like I could satisfy her sexually, but its the opposite when I'm horny. I really have to figure out how to consciously transform this raw arousal into productiveness, because often it just all pours into fantasies. I don't mind having some amount of them, but sometimes its too much.
     
  3. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    Since the morning the urges are consistent and quite strong. But fuck it, I'll endure this grind, I will enjoy this grind. I truly believe it will make me stronger mentally. I forgot when I last watched porn, approximately two weeks ago, but tracked in my calendar that I did MO exactly a week ago. I dont know if there's point to counting days. but eventually I will count months. I am absolutely against watching P, but I will keep abstaining from masturbation aswell, for sake of discipline, for the sake of self control, self mastery. Despite it being mentally tiresome to resist urges, but I decided to start loving that suffering. Thats the price Im going to pay for the long term benefits. I will invest in developing more self control now and it will pay dividends later.

    I am also really glad that I decided to write a journal. I realised that I need to release these emotions and frustrations, a place to vent. I had kept these thoughts about resisting inside all the time and they just increase the pressure. When I have too much pressure I sometimes break and find negative outlets which harm me. I had good success when I was releasing the sexual frustration physically, but forgot about the mental aspect. I have one friend to whom I mention from time to time that this addiction bothers me, but I don't think anyone in my life really wants to hear that sad stuff. Right now I don't have physical release of the negative emotions, but I am confident I will start it soon. My current excuse for not having a good routine is that I will be moving next week and I will have different schedule. But those are just excuses. Its good to write it. When I write an excuse, I read that sentence and see it for what it is.

    Today I'm going to keep going.
     
  4. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    I wanted to share one approach I just remembered. I read on reedit years ago about this heroin addict. If I remember correctly he was around 10 years clean. Heroin addictions is way harder both physically and mentally. But he overcame it by approach one day at a time. He would say to himself something along the lines: " Tomorrow I'm gonna spend like 300 $ worth of H, shoot that junk right into my veins all day tomorrow, but not today, today I'm gonna stay clean as a whistle. And he would think like this almost every day Like he would accept that he could pawn all his valuables tomorrow just to buy a stash of heroin, but today will always be a day when he will be clean. On one hand I don't want to take his approach, because the acceptance of relapse is what fucks it up for me, he still said he struggles with that addiction despite being many years clean. In some way he imprisoned himself to his thoughts by thinking about that tomorrow. Then again he basically imprisoned himself in the first place by his first opiate. But on the other hand he is clean for many years from what I think is the strongest addiction there is so there must be something good in it. I wish I could find that post, but the positive thing which can be taken to this story is that its not necessary to make it hard for yourself and its important to concentrate to the task at hand - getting through the day clean. Its way easier committing mentally at being 1 day clean than 10 years clean.

    I just realised that I haven't had a long PMO free streak for quite a long time. So for this time to be successful I have to use all the useful tips and tricks I have learned over the years of battling addiction. Often I try one approach until it fails me, but this time I have to use all the knowledge and experience I have. Much further reflection what has worked for me in the past will be necessary. Alright, whoever is reading this nonsense you gonna make it through this day!
     
  5. gdbt

    gdbt New Member

    Hey man. Enjoyed reading your thoughts. I think you have a talent of storytelling. You should use that for some creative thing. I am an addictive person and tackling with my own demons too. Keep writing mate. I will follow your journal
     
  6. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    Thanks GDBT, lets show these demons what we are made of :D These past few days my urges have been quite strong. And often urges would develop into fantasies, which at this point is a waste of time. But it is also not that bad either, because there used to be a time I didn't have my fantasies, but a porn directors idea what my desires should be like. I would have some other mans fantasies instead of mine. A huge relief is also the content of fantasies, they are not so twisted in their nature as the porn I mostly watch is. If my sexual fantasies would be a porn video, then I would most likely skip that and go straight to the rough stuff.When I start to think now what kind of content have I watched throughout the years I realize that approximately a year after trying to quit porn I started to settle into milder type of content comparing to the times I didn't realize I have a problem. And when I would relapse it would be only after I would PMO many times until more extreme porn genres would arouse me again. I remember several occasions when I would decide to relapse, would type in some nasty things and it would just look bizarre and wouldn't arouse me much. I can only conclude that much progress has been made over these few years I have been trying to quit, but its only the beginning. I have so far to go. I really, really want to quit. That desire to be free from porn is very strong, very true. Thousands of hours of porn has caused me so much pain and suffering that it just doesn't make sense to continue. But for instance this week I have been very close to relapsing several times. Like I have some really bad hand coordination, if I'm horny my hand without much thought just slides down and starts charming the snake. I would react myself to doing so, I sometimes feel like I'm not even participating in that decision to touch my dick, my hands would go there automatically and my rational brain part would say no.

    Not only these kind of thoughts, but all the nasty thoughts in general doesn't feel like me. I don't feel like saying those things in my mind even though its my voice. I don't know if its better to distance myself from the responsibility of thinking fucked up shit or take the responsibility and admit that it is myself. Im am really scared to admit that, despite knowing its me that says these things. I think I should talk to a proffesional about the right approach, because I also don't want to hurt myself be thinking its me. The times that I give in to fucked up thoughts ( I have to ephasise the word I here) then it really goes dark and downhill. Or when I think some fucked up shit and think oh I am so fucked up - what good it will do to me to view myself as fucked up in the head. I think its one of the main reasons I havent had a meaningful relationships with a woman, just too often when it comes to becoming closer I just think to myself - I like you, but you don't need such a fucked up person in your life. Maybe I did right, maybe not. At this point all the what if's are useless. If I have fucked myself up, I will unfuck myself. Just reverse the damage and even use the damage to my advantage.

    Its not all that bad to suffer. When I bounce back from the hole I am now I will be much stronger person. There is no way in the world that life wont test me with even tougher challenges after I bounce back. All this stuff that I am going through must be with a meaning, which I can't know now. I have to be tested, to have my skin hardened so I could handle even more hits. I want to be strong, but that strength doesn't come from reading an article - 10 easy steps how to become strong. Its comes from that grind. What I really like about myself is that not at any point I had given up, never accepted in my brain that I will live as an addict of porn, drugs and cigarettes. I really like how I live now despite being unemployed (I will start a new job on Monday) , broke, still bit depressed ( at least its way better than it was two weeks ago when it was heavy). I know that I can use external pleasures from cigs, weed, porn, fuck it buy some speed, E, and my most common drug cravings are for Ketamine, but I don't need that external stuff. I want to feel those joys and pleasures of life which drugs simulate. Like cigarette or even amphetamines gives that dopamine in your brain. But I can get dopamine also from improving my life. Porn and extasy gives those pleasures of something similar like love, but its fake and synthetic. I want the real stuff not the fake. I will rather live with a void in my life than settle down for fake life. Like smoking weed deludes me I'm living alright, when in fact I wouldn't and devoid me of any motivation to change things. Porn deludes me that I have had sex with i don't know, maybe 20,000 or 50,000 women in all ways possible and I don't need to find a GF. Today in the right context I would ask a girl out, which I wouldn't when watching porn. I need that void, that thirst for better life to improve. If I will that void with fake shit there will be no space for the real shit.

    Today I will be free from porn.
     
  7. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    Today has been very easy in terms of resisting temptations, I guess its a flatline. Monday I am going to move to a new city and during this flatline I have to set up my daily routine so I'm busy improving several areas of my life. This week I'm mostly sitting at home and playing videogames and this is basically one of the worst ways how to quit PMO. The easy way is keeping myself busy with productive and useful things. Easy way of quiting is avoiding dangerous environment of a relapse, meditation makes it way easier because I'm way more aware of my thoughts, less impulsive and after weeks of meditating I could often cut off tempting impulses right at their root. Its usually a very stressful day that breaks me, I have had many relapses after long strikes when I'm drunk, stoned or have had very little sleep that day. Out of all those things I still want to continue use alcohol. At this point I have a few beers a month, nothing to be concerned about. In case I will decide to drink more at a social event, then I must think ahead and promise myself that under no circumstances I will relapse drunk. Just go to sleep hungry.

    This sentence "Go to sleep hungry" is something that has saved me from many relapses. I was inspired by that sentence by Lance Armstrong which was said in different context in a JRE episode. Cyclists before competition cut a lot of weight to gain advantage in the race. After hearing that sentence I started to think about it that no matter how much I want to go to chill at my dealers place, no matter how horny I am and want to PMO, no matter what bad decision I want to make now, fuck it - Ill go to sleep hungry. This sentence has saved me many times. Another one that has saved me is - "thoughts come and thoughts go". When I am very horny sometimes I feel like this feeling wont go, its seems like torture to be teased by my thoughts just to deny myself pleasure, but if I would remember that thoughts come and go then resisting doesnt feel so hard anymore. Its like mentally its way more tougher to think -"damn I have 5 more km to run" rather than " oh its just 500 meters left.

    What I want to do is start exercising with calisthenics, I had back problems and I have to stretch like a motherfucker that is a number 1 priority because my back is in bad shape at the moment. Another habit I want to pick up is meditation, I use the application https://www.headspace.com , its one of those things like exercise - I know its very good and impacts my life in a very positive way but I have struggled to keep it as a consistent habit. All the hours I have put into meditation have been very useful throughout my life and I have to continue that. Only thing I'm currently satisfied with my life is my healthy eating habits, sobriety and being pornfree. At least I've got that thing going for me and I have to build up from there.

    Today I saw an scene in a film, which turned me on slightly when I saw it, but its not an image that is suppose to arouse anyone. Made me think how deep I have developed sexual tastes probably because I have been watching some strange stuff since I was a child. It fortunately hasn't impacted my life much and it doesn't bother me anyway.

    Im a fan of JRE podcasts and there was this episode with David Goggins on who is a crazy motherfucker. He has had extremely impressive physical feats like running a lot of ultra marathons , Guinness record for most chin ups, have been in war and among many other things. All was done by sheer willpower. One thing he said that stuck by me was his words that he knows how to motivate himself, that he is good at it. Now my depression has become very bearable, despite having those grey glasses on I can think of positive thoughts and to get out of this swamp I am now I have to amp up these thoughts. Now I feel mentally strong enough to not give in to the dark thoughts, with one exception yesterday. But still, I have almost broke free from prison of thoughts I was in last month. I have to learn how to motivate myself better. I have to use every single thing I can to get out of this misery I'm in. I just cannot live like this anymore, every year I go through the same cycles: 1-2 depressive episodes, followed or predecessed by drug binges and then my mind flips and I start quiting everything that holds me back, become very social, become productive, take a lot of things on my plate until dark thoughts creep in and become persistent until I break and depression starts again. When I write this it may seem like I'm some kind of victim here. Ok I might be the victim, but the again Im also the abuser, my own villain. I fuck my life up not some external circumstances. My own choices do that. I suggest myself to do stupid things. I fucked up my head and I will also heal it.

    Before writing this entry I felt like Its going to be a short one only to end up venting again. But this is one of the best choices I have made lately. Now I have noticed I feel no desire to complain about anything that bothers me in my conversations. I also used to sometimes have imaginary conversations in my head where I just talk about things that bother me. Despite having friends with whom I kinda can talk about heavier topics still no one wants hear complaining. Just when someone complains most people cannot wait when its going to stop. Everyone wants those funny, wholesome or deep interactions for obvious reasons. But when I hold it all in myself my dark thoughts not only become more frequent, but they become louder. I now vividly remember last year how I have heard myself screaming in my head some fucked up things, it was hard really to talk about those things with anyone. At that time I had plenty of physical releases with swimming, exercise and MMA, but now I realize keeping my emotions in check is just as important, when they are neglected I make dumb decisions. I will keep writing this journal and at some point I will pay a pro who will diagnose me properly. Before I thought it was a waste of money to talk with a therapist but now I realize it's necessary to pay someone to listen to that shit with what I don't want to bother or upset my friends. Also it's higher chance that a professional can give way more useful advice or suggest a good approach how to deal with mental problems.

    Today was a good day and it is good to be free from porn. Damn, like its joy runing through my toes and fingers just from the thought I am free from porn now, I don't have to watch it anymore. And in case I will have some desires today I will go to sleep hungry.
     
  8. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    So this was an easy day in terms of staying off porn. Libido is way lower than it used to be last week, but there is this inner energy, this basic confidence that I can control myself which I enjoy, it feels like wearing my awesome leather jacket. Another thing I have noticed is the look of my eyes. Last month I was chained to bed, sleeping 14h a day, eating barely anything, lying in misery, physical and emotional pain. But now I eat 3 meals, started to wake up early, sleep properly, staying clean and finaly I can look at myself in the mirror. I start to see that passion going back to my eyes, that sharp look. It's not a big achievement, no nobel prize for me, but its a start. Things like that I will pile up and I will get out of that swamp Im not.
    The downside to the low libido. is more frequent depressive thoughts. But I don't mind, I definitely can handle that and I have handled way more, it takes way more to start impact my sanity.


    Despite having less urges, I still have moments of fantasies, some of them I am okay with, some of them not. The ones I'm not okay with involves prostitutes. At this point I guess I have to mention I'm moving to Amsterdam. I have had sex with a prostitute once and despite having ok experience I know for a fact I don't want to go down that road. I don't mind being in a city where there's a lot of weed and drugs around, I'm used to that, I have said no to it so many times.I have never been in Amsterdam, still curious how that red light district looks from a tourist perspective, but yeah with that I have to be cautious. I know myself, relapses happen in the mind first, by deciding to act on the impulse, when I have accepted that I will relapse I feel like I'm taking back seat to my self control and it seems like I'm observing myself doing it. I have had relapses this summer where I flirted with wrong thoughts and accepted a relapse even a week before it happened. Because of these previous experiences I have to stay vigilant, at some point libido will rise, urges will be strong and I have to be stronger than that.

    Another day free from porn, feelsgoodman.
     

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