Third time lucky

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by aa34, Feb 22, 2012.

  1. aa34

    aa34 New Member

    I am 34. I was first introduced to P when I was probably 8, by a friend who founds his dad's VHS. I still can remember those images. From there it was a downward spiral, which got much worse after I started living alone (aged 22) and got an broadband connection. In the last 4 years I would M to P probably every day (or at least 4-5 times a week). My tastes changed, and I ended up "liking" and getting aroused by stuff which probably is disgusting to most "normal"people. I've had a few girlfriends, and stable relationships, but as time passed by, I would get less attached to my real girlfriend, I wonder now if P made it impossible for me to love, or to crave for a loving relationship. I also noticed that I was changing, from being a very outgoing and social guy, to a more shy and insecure person. Social anxiety got the best of me.

    I realized I had a problem while reading "the Brain that changes itself", a book about neuroscience and brain plasticity. I found myself described in the text, getting more extreme tastes, being desensitized, having social anxiety. To make it worst, I got involved in a long distance relationship (how convenient?) which lasted for about 2 years. P was just an excuse to "relief" myself of not having my girlfriend there. But when I was with her I felt no attraction at all. It was sad (and I eventually lost her). Being alone made it worse. A vicious circle, of social anxiety, avoiding people, and PMO binges. I had to stop.

    In my first try I lasted 42 days, and although it wasnt easy, I could feel some changes. The first and more obvious was more confidence (where does that come from?). The row ended when I had a casual encounter with a girl (one night stand), which led to crave for more of the same, which lead to porn.

    In my second try I lasted two weeks. I failed while being hungover (I found that those are the worst days, perhaps the brain need for dopamine makes you do anything for a "hi"). I binged, badly, and felt worse, felt worthless, felt like a failure. And started again. My old routine, work, then home, them PMO, then go to sleep. I started to get worried when it escalated to my real life. I started looking for escorts websites, and contacted one (how risky is that?). I did it only once and felt worse (and I couldn't finish with her).

    So this is me, in my third try. I've been PMO free for 17 days now. Things are getting better, although I feel totally depressed (and some physical discomforts too). What worries me the most is that I actually feel depressed, like my life has no meaning (had it some before?). Regardless, I've read enough evidence, and I do believe this is the way to go. I do hope this sadness will go away, I do hope I will get back to be who I once was. I do hope that life is full of opportunities, and that if I do decide to change for the best, life will be better.
     
  2. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Hey man,

    I can totally relate to how you feel.

    Feeling aroused to stuff that normal people consider disgusting, becoming an introverted shy guy, not interested in loving or affection, becoming depressed and lonely during withdrawal, unable to cum with escorts, everything.

    Hopefully you will eventually rebalance your brain.

    That's the purpose of this site!

    By the way I added space between your paragraphs because your story was hard to read.

    Welcome to the forum!
     
  3. aa34

    aa34 New Member

    Day 18, no P/M/O.

    Today was a much more positive day (thanks to a really busy day at work). I can do this. One day at the time (that's the key!).

    The "blue balls" feeling is slowly going away (it was very unresting this second week). Depression (or sadness) is still here, but I know it will eventually go away.

    I notice there are some "triggers" I need to be watching. Arriving home and being alone (need to start doing something). Arriving home after a few beers. I decided to reduce TV to the minimum (man! it is full of half naked woman, and if you look enough you'll find some P).

    The weekend is coming, that is my real challenge. Get busy, go running, meet friends. No alone time, one day at the time.
     
  4. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Oh man, arriving home after a few beers is definitely a trigger for me!

    Good luck with your weekend! Just try to stay busy.
     
  5. aa34

    aa34 New Member

    Well, I guess I should change the name of my journal to "fourth time....". Last week I relapsed, just watching TV, found a soft core movie....etc. I know what my triggers are, I just wasn't strong to avoid them.

    Anyway, I am decided to quit this PMO addiction, and now I am on day 6 again, and I will try as many times as it takes (hope this is the last one!). I guess I was too ashamed to write anything, ashamed with myself mostly.

    I have to confess, this week's been much easier than the last three times I decided to quit PMO. I guess my brain was starting to reboot and it is not like starting from 0 again.

    Feeling positive, strong and confident.
     
  6. aa34

    aa34 New Member

    Fourth attempt, day 11 of no PMO. Going strong. Each attempt gets easier (at least the first few days). Personal record is 42 days.

    I do notice more strength, more will. It is worth it. Feeling positive.
     
  7. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

    Awesome!!

    11 days is great.

    Go break your personal record!
     

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