think about it too much

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by anewme, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. anewme

    anewme Member

    For years I smoked weed every day. If I didn't get high I was one crabby dude. Somehow I just grew out of it. I didn't like the way it made me feel anymore. It's crazy to think that this kind of just happened. I also drank a lot of days. I kind of grew out of this too. I really hope that somehow I can forget about porn and just start to love my life without it. It's been the hardest addiction to break. Maybe I think about it too much. I sometimes relapse right after reading on this site. I think it's because i'm thinking about porn so much. Don't get me wrong this site is great and very helpful but it can also hurt. For a while I think my best approach might be to just let the thought come and let it pass because lately I haven't been doing very good. I want to be able to move on from this and stay gone. I will still use the site but I can't dwell on porn too much because when I start thinking about it for a while I know what I do. Good luck everyone and fight the good fight.
     
  2. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    You do what best fits your purpose, period. You don't have to apologize for anything. All I can add here is that if you are thinking about porn too much, it isn't likely to go away until you replace those thought patterns with NEW activities. Not even new thoughts, but actual stuff to do. If you aren't very active, now is the time to commit more hours to sport. The same concept can apply to reading, writing, music, random projects, travel or whatever. All of these examples provide growth experiences.

    You can also write on your own journal here, without reading other members stories (and then get triggered by them). It's not selfish only to work on you, it's essential. You can help others in due time, however long that takes for you to get there.
     
  3. anewme

    anewme Member

    Thanks for the good advice friend. Push on
     
  4. anewme

    anewme Member

    Ah the weekend is here. This is the time to be strong as it is when 90% of my slips happen. I know I know stay busy. What I really need to do is stay motivated. Gotta remember why I am here and stay strong. I had a good week. It's crazy how just a few days away from porn makes you feel more connected to the real world and the people in your life. Have a good weekend everyone. Live life.
     
  5. WASP

    WASP New Member

    So let me ask you: why are you here?

    Stay strong,
    WASP
     
  6. anewme

    anewme Member

    I'm here to live the life I know that I can have. I feel better after being clean for a few days and want to keep building on that. I have a pretty smooth week but the weekends get me a lot. It's not drinking either. I think it's the feeling that I deserve a reward along with losing some motivation. My longest streak is a month but that was some time ago. Anyway I guess I'm here because I want to feel better about myself and get a quality girlfriend. I am more confident if I'm not jerking it to porn and I start to really like the new me. I can feel it in my interactions with everyone. I have to eliminate the relapses that come out of nowhere and the desire to "just peek" or check my former favorite sites. I'm here to help myself and to support others. I notice you are on a pretty good streak and I have a couple of questions.

    1. How did you get there?
    2. How do you feel mentally and physically?

    Thanks for reading this and best of it to you.
     
  7. WASP

    WASP New Member

    Hey man, thanks for writing,

    Here's what I highlighted from what you said about why you're here:

    >>I'm here to live the life I know that I can have.
    >>I feel better after being clean for a few days and want to keep building on that.
    >>I want to feel better about myself and get a quality girlfriend. I am more confident if I'm not jerking it to porn and I start to really like the new me. I can feel it in my interactions with everyone.
    >>I'm here to help myself and to support others.

    I can relate to every single one of those reasons. Especially, I start to really like the new me.

    To answer your questions:

    1) "How did you get there?" Samuel Beckett said, "Try again. Fail Again. Fail Better." I've gotten to the point where I've no fapped for a while and been single and then I can become more attractive and within six months of meeting someone I invite them to live with me in some small one-bedroom apartment and we end up making each other miserable. I failed. But I failed better than the time before when I just pmoed a lot and put all my hope on seeing the right therapist to help fix my "depression" issues. That was a worse failure. But it was better than my high school years where I spent so much time just passively watching TV and porn and going through the motions of life. I don't know how many more painful failures are in store for me but since the first time I "tried again", my trying again muscles got a little bit stronger. I can't control whether I will have a wonderful love life but I can try again, I can fail again and fail better and who knows where that will lead me. But I like the new me it's been leading me to so far. . . I just wish it was a faster, easier, more linear process!

    2) "How do you feel mentally and physically?" I feel stronger, more interested and energetic in my life, I feel more hungry and not just in a "filling the emptiness inside me" kind of way but in a hunt and gather what's important to me and chop up all the bullshit trying to distract me. I also think that the way sexuality is talked about flashed all over the internet is not the kind of sexuality that is precious to me. It's a "toxic mimic". It has the form of sex but the content is different. I feel passionate about what I'm intending to do with my life and at times I get terrified that I won't ever reboot and I'll be stuck without an erect penis for the rest of my life. So I don't want to paint a picture of "success" or anything like that. But I do feel stronger and more energetic and hungrier.

    Thanks for the questions, it helped me put this stuff out of my head and that helps it grow for me.

    Yours in solidarity,
    WASP
     
  8. anewme

    anewme Member

    Very nice. You've given me lots to think about.
     
  9. anewme

    anewme Member

    Visualize the present you want.
     
  10. anewme

    anewme Member

    So I made it through an actual full week. The temptation comes on strong sometimes but I am feeling better. I am trying to visualize myself as a person who gets a girl and doesn't look at porn. Someone who is sure of himself and loves himself.
     
  11. WASP

    WASP New Member

    Hellz yeah anewme! Congrats on making it through your first week!

    Anything you want to mark that helped you so you can remember it later?

    I had some tough pulls on my resolve: boredom, people cancelling plans, etc. but I stayed strong.

    Stay strong for week two man even if depression or self-criticism tries to throw you off.

    Stay cool 8)
    WASP
     
  12. anewme

    anewme Member

    Thanks so much. My brain is already throwing me the curve balls. Saying oh just a peek.. all that shit. My motivation and mood are so up and down. I'm sitting there before and I'm like what's the point. I had to remind myself of the point that is so important to me. What's the point? Again? I'm staying strong and I'm just waiting for the mood and horny to level out. Thanks for the support.
     
  13. anewme

    anewme Member

    So I got a full nights sleep last night. My mood today was absolutely awesome. I know there are gonna be up days and down days. My key is to get through the days where it seems pointless to enjoy the days that show me what it's all about. Oh yea it might have to do with the incredible girl showing interest in me but I'll take it. Stick to this. Life can be great.
     
  14. anewme

    anewme Member

    Almost to day ten. Today was ok. Nothing like the ups of yesterday though. They can't all be great. I guess that was always my problem with pmo. If I was having a meh day I always tried to make it better quick. I have to learn to deal with feelings and especially boredom in the right way.
     
  15. anewme

    anewme Member

    My presence when I am out with friends now is just amazing. I look people in the eye and hold conversations. I am more easily talking with the ladies and even other guys. I am liking this new me. I did look at porn for a little bit but quit before going to far. I know this will probably set me back. The thing is I am feeling so good sometimes then I still go and look. Bad idea. Once you go for a quick look you just want more. I was controlling my urges like a superstar but now it's bothering me again. I want this new outlook I have to last. I have one site that always brings me in. I know what day it updates and for some reason always feel the need to peek on that day. I keep reminding myself that this new life is better than any damn porn. Here's to keeping this confidence going. This sounds kinda silly but I want to love myself again. Not in that way either. lol
     
  16. anewme

    anewme Member

    Ok so the super powers are real. I've been really good at dealing with other people the last couple of days. (especially girls) I can just feel the magnetism. I am way funnier in my responses and not just goofball humor but better at flirting and just enjoying the company of women. And their attitude towards me is way better as well. I even got along with my ex when I saw her yesterday. Not just got along but she wants to go to a wedding with me that I have coming up. I don't know about how I'll handle all that, but there was definitely a change in how she acted towards me. I have much more confidence in myself and carry myself better and feel better about who I am. My mind is much more clear.

    So what's the problem?

    Well porn has it's own super powers. I was really horny yesterday and got real close to slipping up bad. I did watch a little porn and yea the desire to scrap this whole reboot and go back to being the defeated version of myself was real strong. I think I stopped before I did much damage but I'm sure it didn't help my reboot at all. It's crazy how I can be this happy with the way things are going and still get that close to throwing it all away. My brain always tries to justify it and it does a pretty good job of fooling me into thinking it's a good idea. He wants his fix I can tell you that. This is going to be very hard to maintain but it will be worth it. I just gotta stay strong and keep my mind on other things until the urges die down some. We all deserve to be happy. Wishing everyone better days.
     
  17. anewme

    anewme Member

    I was really tired the last two days because I slept very little over the weekend. My mood was pretty low because of this. Got some good sleep last night and feel better today. Not gonna let me watching a little bit of porn on Saturday ruin my reboot. Usually I would end it right there and jerk off and binge. I stopped myself and for that I am proud. The "powers" I was feeling have subsided some. Could be from the porn, could be from the initial excitement wearing off, or could be a flatline. Who knows? Who cares? I am sticking with this and my mood will turn around. Things have gotten some what easier after the two week mark. I've been to a month before and I like it there. My life is kinda down right now but if I stick to my efforts I should be paid off shortly. Not just PMO efforts but financial efforts and confidence efforts.
     
  18. anewme

    anewme Member

    Well after a fight with the gf or whatever she was I guess it's time to get serious about this again. So fucking depressed today. I need some friends in my life. I use to have so many. Then I bought a house and all of them moved away or have families. Now I don't have a roommate or anyone to talk to. I just want to have my hope back. I feel like I've hit rock bottom before but then it gets even worse. Guess I'll just journal on here and try to feel better. Man I hate how dependent on others affection I am. I think about having a good girl friend constantly. The want of wanting one so bad is not helping matters in my relationships either. I get clingy. I don't know but it would be nice to have someone care about me as much as I do about them. I get so lonely at night that it is horrible. I am starting to think I am bi-polar or something. I will start loving myself again someday. I hope soon.
     
  19. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    congrats on 30 days, brilliant work! don't slip up now you've reached this far
     
  20. anewme

    anewme Member

    Thank you but it wasn't real. I am getting much better but I did slip up in there so I reset. If I don't let the slips get me down and focus on the positive changes I'll be great. thank you for the kind words and I hope we can all improve together.
     

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