They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Just cannot believe that I am so infrequent a visitor to this place. Working on my issues I have such a sense of entitlement. I deserve so many things and they are denied me. Yet I can reason, I can sit here and I can say without any hint of deceit that I have so much going for me, yet in a couple of hours time I can convince myself that I am hard done by and that I deserve more. Which is the real me? The fact that I can come here as sporadically as I do is a gift. Being able to read other people's posts as I occasionally do is a very real gift. There are other things in my life that could have been denied to me yet I look at something else belonging to someone else and I am full of envy. The envy causes me pain, seeing a woman I feel lifted up, she goes and I loose altitude, reading the newspaper I catch a phrase that lifts me up then I descend again. Eventually I get so low that P. becomes an option. I take that option and it all looks so much more attractive until I put it down and reality really does wake me up. Only for me to fall into the self same trap again.

    After yesterday's defeat I have been very anti-social. Mrs Heron suggested that we go to the library and shopping, when we got to town it was just shopping because that was all we had time for. Eldest fledgling has been put down several times. His mother has been irritated and I have made him feel worse. I even caused a scene because I did not want him to get his own way. Honestly, for the sake of not spoiling today I should have been somewhere else. Hopefully today has to be endured so that I can become better.

    Fly well and may I meet you soaring on wings like eagles.
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hey Grey Hebron,
    I noticed that you started your journal in the same year as me and almost in the same month in 2013. So we are still here. Trying to find a way out of this addiction. As nobody answered in your journal for a year or so, I thought I say Hi.
    I have nothing much to say. As you can see at my counter I´m also still not very succesfull in staying away from PMO.
    Wanted to say Hi and at least we are still here and coming back. So this is a success in perseverance. That is something to be proud of and celebrate the motivation. I hope you can make it to the other site. I know it is possible, but havent figured out a way to deal with the feelings. All the best for your journey.
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, well high is what I definitely am not. Must reboot again, I had an two hour P session earlier and it has made me really depressed. This morning I lashed out at our eldest son, I think it is called assault, I can honestly say I feel that he is pathologically disposed to a range of anti-social behaviours. Today I lost my patience. In reflection afterwards I have been taken back to earlier in the week, his younger brother has come off treatment and had some psychometric testing this week. As we were presenting our evidence my wife and myself were joking that our eldest son would not score as well as his brother. After this latest incident I was reminded that the 12 x 12 says we are to treat those who offend us like they are sick. Now I feel worse because both sons have the right to expect unconditional love from me and maybe my eldest needs me to cut him a whole length of slack because he is high functioning in some aspects yet he might be ill in others. I want to go back out there, probably detail how much tomorrow. Today I need to turn this off and pray myself into a better place.
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am back again, that must be a surprise for some of you.
    We had an extension put on the house last year and I got round to advertising the now redundant shed a fortnight ago. Someone wants it so I have been taking it apart today. It has been enjoyable just taking apart the shed knowing that someone else will be able to enjoy it and being able to move on with planning to do something new with that part of the garden.
    The not so positive part is that Mrs Heron is not my biggest fan at the moment and just as I think she is coming round I manage to say or do the wrong thing. This evening I mentioned that I was wrong about a fight I had initiated earlier which prompted a response like I had told her that I was still holding a grudge against her. What I do not understand is how I can think that I have walked away from a scene and forgiven a wrong against me, then something triggers the old wound and I do not see it coming until slash it is hurting again.

    Until we fly together again, soar on wings like eagles.
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, since I was last here I have watched a television programme which has inspired me to re-double my efforts at 'bouncing' my eyes. The first day was really easy. So easy I intended to come here and tell you guys how well it had worked for me. I think it is still working but I am also questioning whether it is measuring the correct metrics. I can recall a couple of instances when it did not work so well and images of the women can be recalled, whereas when there were women who I managed to bounce, I may be able to tell you where and when that happened recently, I cannot really tell you any details that might trigger. What I worry about is; am I only bouncing 'picture book' women? Does it matter if I do not bounce women who do not trigger me? As I wrote earlier, there are really very few women to recall and trigger me.
  6. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Still here, had some thoughts coming in and now that I am here they are gone. My mood is very low, I would lay back and surrender if an illicit liaison were to walk in the room right now. That said I could fall asleep on the spot. I have also had pleasant thoughts about another woman. This particular woman would be bad for me. That said the biggest reason I am not being proactive about pursuing her is putting in that much effort at home would probably improve my standing so why rock the boat.

    Having come here and left a tag, I shall now try to grow and contribute from someone else's posts.
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have been playing around with salacious stuff, I am not proud to admit that, but I am taking it as a very near miss. I am still bouncing my eyes but that is letting some stuff through. My wife has given me a challenge outside of P. addiction which I am trying to deal with as a reason to keep clear of P. and to busy myself at the time of day when I am usually tempted. This will only succeed if I make it a change in my lifestyle. A positive gift of my reboot is the chance to explore my professional growth in the evenings.

    Last weekend I had a bad reaction to something, I am blaming the sediment in a Bottle Conditioned Beer, this caused a show down between me and my wife. I am sensitive anyway because of the issues we have had with our youngest son, it was Fathers Day here too, so I did not want to opt out. I know of two families who are not having the easy ride that we have had and therefore I am determined to make family time a positive part of my reboot.

    may we meet in flight someday
  8. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Happy Wednesday, and Happy (belated) Father's Day.
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Permission to Speak??

    Here again, and yes I am so depressed that I have resorted to coming here and dumping my stuff. Well that is how I feel that I behave. This next sentence can be a renewal of my determination to do better, but I dare not do that for fear of not following through.
    I have emerged from the stumbling nature that I was in when I last posted. That said there have been red flags this week but nothing to warrant a threat to my reboot.

    My marriage is at a very low point, this is a significant reason for the depression that I am in. Unfortunately, I do wonder that when I say it is at a low point it is just at a horrible poor standard that we have come to accept for many years and is usually plastered over by sex. I am trying not to show my wife when I am horny, she has told me so many times that she does not want to know and I am behaving like I believe her. I hope that I will see something that I just cannot imagine today if I stop telling her when I am hot. There is so very much going on in my head perhaps I will make a list of headings for future posts rather than unload them all here in a mammoth post. Because my wife is not breaking my celibacy I am not getting the dopamine kick and I am questioning the way things are and I once again feel myself rebelling.

    I do not have the urge to masturbate. I still have to bounce my eyes when out of the house. There was a woman that I kept noticing at the supermarket yesterday, I bounced the eyes nearly every time, I was seriously worried she would get security on me. The random triggers might set my mind racing but I have no effectual desire to view P. There was a half hearted temptation to find something salacious on a video server but when I got there I was distracted by something uplifting, albeit I was attracted by the still of an attractive female.
  10. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    Sounds like you're doing great in the battle at hand ... keep turning away from even the slightest triggers. Following them up is what inevitably leads to a relapse.
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Well Mrs Heron is speaking to me again, and the atmosphere is much more cordial. This must not distract me from honestly working on the new operating system. Zippy, thanks for the check in.

    I went to the face to face on Monday and the main share was something I got stuff from, well it told me that I was right. Namely that I must be responsible for doing things with intent. Intention is the big thing. Drive the agenda, if by saying that I am going to do something and then getting into trouble because that is what I chose to do, the success is that my intent was manifest in what I did. The choice to do that again can be made in the light of what has been learned.

    Something else which has been started and now has fallen by the wayside is understanding what it is that motivates me and building my decisions on that foundation. Just dipping my toe into the shallows on this, it feels as if the work has been done and now to live the work for a while to see how it fits. I have wanted to write the perfect list and never need to review it.

    Recently, When I had built myself up to pursue a target at work only for the pressure to be relieved. I got cross rather than grasping the opportunity to eliminate the compromises and do the job well first-time.

    time to sign off and bid you happy flying till I come by again.
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Well we have been away as a family living in such close proximity brought up some unpleasant scenes. Given my relationship with our eldest son I am pleased there were not more. As a parent I thought that it was my responsibility to take in some historic places to visit. These were wasted on the eldest and the youngest went along with whomever he saw fit not sure where to place his energies. I am disappointed that the eldest did not get a chance to try out an activity centre we had access to. My intention was to do what we did and I stuck to it in the absence of any real challenge to my intention. Perhaps there should have been more thought put into the intention and more engagement with the rest of the family when drawing up that intention.

    Since returning I have been very tired, today has been the first day when I feel normal, also I have been tempted. Looking at an online news site I saw what Mrs Heron might call a salacious news headline, that was actually calling into question attitudes in general. I have been obsessing about the picture book interest in the article and wanting to explore where that might take me. Also another stand out experience was how something innocent, and I often fall over on these things, started me on a sexual mind trip. If allowed to continue this can lead to acting out online because online is safer than in real life and real life was really where the mind was taking me.

    time for me to close and to reflect another day
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am struggling. This is just to register that I am still about. To acknowledge that I both want to be here and that I want be out there. At the moment I honestly do not want to go there because there may be drawbacks to doing so, no reasons I can think of that are compelling. The strongest is that I may experience PIED and that seems to me to be no threat.
    Sorry guys I am just not interested in pursuing a reboot and nor am I compelled to act out but acting out may be mildly interesting. What I do know it that were I to act out it would be a wrench to have to stop.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You've got 78 days now, which is totally killing it. :D We all wonder about why we deny ourselves the simple pleasure of a bit of PMO, but we all know, as addicts, it just isn't worth it.

    Relationships with grown kids can be difficult. But, being pmo free gives us a much clearer mind to be able to handle them and ourselves.

    Keep going, bro'.
  15. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    Now you have the choice to act out or not. That is a good place to be. If you Decide to act out you will suffer and then your choice will be to continue to suffer in PMO or start to recover.
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Well I am in the dog house with my wife, I can only make out that she is objecting to me trying to live like a grown-up. Equally she might be picking up on the fact that I am struggling here but is blaming it on me trying to get better. I have decided to get to bed in good time for the next 90 days, to turn off the computer and give myself time to wind down.

    Thank you to all you guys who have contributed to the threads over the past few days, I have been reading and there are lots of little nuggets which I have chosen to take away.

    time to honour that promise to myself and to shut down the tech.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep going the way you are and you'll be golden. So many communication problems the wife and I have had, and we had a gazillion, were due to things neither of us could see. Now that I'm PMO free I'm beginning to see the little areas where I had blinders on. My wife is being calmed, in a way, by the positive momentum I'm making. Yes, I did say "fuck you" to her under my breath the other day, but that's marriage. ;D
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you for your comments Saville.
    Mrs Heron and myself have made it up, It transpires that we went to bed Wednesday ill at ease because I had not sat down to watch telly with her, and chosen to seek quotes for Home Insurance instead. Then before we had the chance to make things right next morning I had clashed with our eldest son and she says I overstepped the mark.
    The weekend has been clouded in a fog of tiredness. So far I have remained away from salacious areas of the internet. Despite getting to be bed in good time I am still waking as if I have had a broken night. Once again I shall sign off rather abruptly to wind down for bed.
  19. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    "Here you will find some of the symptoms those sensitized to electromagnetic radiation (EMR) can experience."

    "The following is a short list of some of the more common symptoms listed. Some symptoms cross over into others but are listed separately for ease of reading.
    Insomnia – one of the most common symptoms. Trouble getting to sleep, or simply waking up at odd times, unable to return to sleep
    Lack of Restorative Sleep – when you do manage to sleep, it barely counts"
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Zippy, Thanks for dropping by and yes it may be that I have been watching P substitutes too soon before bed so I shall take a reset and watch my behaviour.

    I am supposed to be making an effort to bounce my eyes in public and when I do I like the clear headedness. But in some situations I look for excuses which are not forth coming because they do not exist. I am really tired still. I have had something crop up and I am surprised at the power of the emotions it has brought up. I do not know why I am surprised as it happens occasionally and when it does I never like it. I do hope that when I get further into the reboot these episodes go away.

    My thoughts have dried up.

    May we meet again someday in happy flight.

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