They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. jtara

    jtara New Member

    Do you mean that if something goes wrong it must be your fault? I can relate to that. Sometimes I still walk in the door or pick up the phone and wonder if someone is going to start yelling at me for something.

    I didn't mean to sidetrack from what you were going to write - all the best getting your perspective.
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It feels like months since I was last here. I have been using P. everyday for much of the last week. It was not particularly rewarding but I also felt uncomfortable about walking away from the stuff. It has long been on my mind that I have little free-time and I wonder whether that resentment feeds my hunger for P. Meditation or coming here has to be scheduled and therefore something which is meant to be beneficial becomes another burden. There have been many 'sirens' in my daily life this week, they are starting to look less siren like. I am looking at ways to manage my life which might create space without the feeling of compulsion. I will fall asleep at my keyboard soon so I will go now.
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Just passing through, on the way I wanted to register that I am here and that I am looking forward to whatever happens. What is more I will endeavour to focus on being in the moment.
  4. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Hi my friend,
    In this last week i have come to the conclusion that this is not a battle but a war that will be hard won and which requires grit, vigilance and commitment. For me it has to be a daily commitment and a big part of me truly hates that. It says that I should be free, liberated from boring routine, free to do as I please. To express myself as I want and to be a real man. Real men don't do vulnerability or any of that shit. They take what they want including women and they don't whine and complain. Problem is that this is Hollywood not real life and the bravado soon slips and what is really left ; childish self interest , a sense of entitlement , negativity and a downward spiral into self loathing. That is what I really don't want and to counteract that poison which i have been sipping for years takes daily , apparently boring commitment. I havve to look at who that guy is who calls being adult boring. I think that he is in fact a kid, a young adolescent at best who just wants now what he wants. It takes patience and love to say No you can't have a lollipop right now. That's really what we are doing. For the recent weeks I have been struggling with that reality but I think that it is starting to sink in.
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks Sidd what you have written resonates against the things I have been reading on YBOP and in the printed material I am so familiar with from the fellowship.
    I feel that I am so close to the bottom that those few days P. free do not count and I question how anyone can take seriously the years I have taken to reach the conclusions I am making now. In the last few days I feel as if I have grown in strength as if I should make a grand show of resolve. Instead I am going to buckle down and respond to what Sidd has written, what I have read on YBOP and to those things I have read in the printed material.

    My wife said something today my response was typically evasive but in my mind it was clearly challenging me to do better. Anybody else should challenge themselves, other than to avoid burdening too much change on one person, I have no excuses and why should I leave Mrs Heron to take responsibility because I am so weak. That challenge will have to wait until tomorrow, but there are other challenges now. Simply sitting down and typing this requires me choosing to prioritise coming here. There are many other things on my to do list which I have identified to get done today. I could become demoralised by the size of the list which is not priority instead I am hoping to become stronger when looking at the list of today's priorities which I will achieve.

    It is my hope that given a short while I can change my style of writing because my outlook will have changed. For now it is back to todays priorities. Stay free and may we soar on wings like eagles again soon.
  6. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Today I am resorting to defiance, understandably my wife does not want me to turn on the computer. Not only do I use it to access P. but also I sit at the computer for long periods and read things that are in her opinion irrelevant.
    I have a task list written by Mrs Heron, one which I too would like to close off. Many times have I wished that she would take some of the tasks on it and do them for me. Now I realise that thinking might begin as a pleasant walk but subtly it becomes the path to P. I also believe that it is my responsibility to be involved more in the life of our household and as such it is my duty to see these tasks completed.
    There have been more examples today of me saying something and Mrs Heron has been at best defensive and at worst aggressive against which I have flinched and wished to retaliate. I have instead taken a deep breath and come to realise that I have taught her to respond like that by my un-rebooted behaviour. The challenge for me is to live the rebooted life and to re-wire my brain so that she can re-wire her own thinking.
    Since my last post I have spent some time reading the printed material and reading articles on YBOP. It all feels like there is a long road to walk, when I am used to cycling when I have travelled others.

    Stay free and may we soar on wings like eagles again soon.
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Just stopping by to spend time here, I have spent time on YBOP but I have been very busy and not scheduled time to read anything or to write something over the last few days. So I am here to reassert the practice of rewiring my brain. I thought that I had posted more recently than 17th January. It has occurred to me that I see several reasons for my P. usage. lethargy is forcing me to choose between P. or sleep in the evenings. I heard a word, which I have forgotten, to describe how I feel when I am tired.
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Today I have given time to reading more reboot material. Well it was more of a rebellious reaction to having to use a particular website. I am posting now because I have been procrastinating and this means I have written off the rest of the day.

    Something which has come out of my reading is that I have been putting off growing up. I have known that I have been wrong for sometime. Thinking about this I feel that some advice I was given before visiting this forum to give without counting the cost might be valid. I want to see how I feel if I cool it with Mrs Heron and still do the chores but with better grace. I am one who looks to avoid chores and to expect her to pick up because i am the bread winner, if I go the extra mile I do expect a reward. I intend to be grateful. My gratitude frightens Mrs Heron she thinks I am being snide.
    here's to building an adult from this child.
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    There is no structure for this post so this could wander around incoherently then drop off. The temptation to go and surf for something salacious is upon me, and I am feeling it.

    Today, when I have not been focused on work, I have spent time trying to gather up some urgency. There is a need for me to state what I am going to do whatever I perceive the response might be. Usually I spend my time asking for permission and feeling bad that I am offending someone by exerting my self will. Equally there are things which I can do to improve the experiences other people share with me. I feel that I need to write in great length my vision and then to translate that into a revised shortened version which will be my take away Vision.

    Today for the second day in succession I have taken myself for a walk at lunchtime. The binoculars went with me again, this time I went to a chalk pit near work which has vegetated up and there were woodland birds all around me. I did not know where to start looking. I do not feel very confident at what I am doing but I did enjoy it. There are places near to where I live but these are not of consequence in my mind. Again I would feel that I was abandoning the family to visit them.

    We are preparing for building work at home and the list of jobs that need doing is now setting a precise timescale. I cannot seem to see how to do something unless I have a precise timescale. The project I am now handling at work could have been done before but there was no deadline to focus on so I procrastinated and now I am fire-fighting and doing a less than perfect job. Thinking about what I wrote yesterday I do not have a terminal illness and I am relatively young, it would be nice to think I can live out my life span again, so there is still no urgency for change. Christ was mature for his age and look at him he was dead by his mid-thirties. I must gather that urgency and change now, it is time to stop worrying whether I will peak too soon and to be like a star. Explode when I reach my time and then to fade gently. Some things will take time to get right others might be false visions that I conquer rapidly. I doubt much of value will be achieved very quickly.

    Despite disagreeing with my boss about this I have offered my services to a colleague in another part of the country. This is a move which I feel backed into doing, I want to be available to pick this work up when I am fighting to stay with the company and now does not feel like a time to fight for my position. I have plenty of work to justify my continued employment at the moment. My boss has said I should go for it.

    I will fly now and see you again on the feeding grounds some other day.
  10. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    It is important to fight the sense of urgency and panic because it will only lead to feelings of being overwhelmed with your life. Acceptance of your life and current circumstances - whatever they might be - is the way to make your peace with things. You are on no pre-ordained schedule and if you do not live according to the story (that you have been raised to believe is your story) that is how the universe is unfolding for you.

    Feelings of being in too deep make me turn away from the necessary to the comforting / mind-numbing / avoidance behaviour that opens the door to behaviours such as PMO and alcohol.
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Cao Thank you for that I really do not understand. Are we stuck between two conflicting ideas? I can manipulate what you have written and give myself permission to resign this journal. I have been binging on P since my last post so my first priority is to get this reboot rebooted. one long minute at a time. I do not understand, this has made me feel awful yet I keep returning to it. My wife left a piece of broken glass in a cupboard yesterday, anyone in our family could have had it fall on them, I briefly considered using it to kill myself and stage it as an accident. Instead I summoned enough sense to dispose of it. One minute at a time I will get over this.
  12. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I guess I don't understand what you've written either but please don't manipulate what I have written to justify any behaviours. You are ultimately responsible for your own actions and I think you also know where you would like your life to be.

    My statements are on the condition where we get overwhelmed by our emotions and then, out of need to feel better, use a variety of techniques to make ourselves feel better. We need to find ways of allowing our emotions to speak, giving them time and place.

    Best of courage in rebooting your reboot.
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi all, especially Cao for coming back to me. My reboot is barely started. I have found a new format for my relapses.
    The responsibility is mine, I do not ever like being responsible, if I choose to relapse there is nobody else to blame. I guess there is a narrative that I feel I should be following, and I feel that narrative is not being lived out today. If you were to ask someone from my locality for directions they would say "you don't want to be starting here if I were you...." Well, I think that I should be starting tomorrow from a different place, somewhere that I expect I will be in a few years if I start doing the next right thing now. I am afraid that I could have made choices in the past which would benefit me in the future. I am full of regret and shame. Yes both of those imposters are supposed to be foreign to us all.

    Instead, I must decide each minute of each day what the next choice is to get me through the next challenge. I cannot start from somewhere else, I can choose to press ahead to approach from a strange, but direct, path or to retrace my last few steps to rejoin the familiar way.

    May we gather in flight again sometime soon.
  14. Augustines _Bro

    Augustines _Bro New Member


    This is the first I've been to your journal. Read the first couple of posts, then skipped here to the last few.

    It seems to me you know what you need to do to calm your relationship with Mrs. Heron, as well as to give yourself the self-satisfaction and pride of accomplishment. I hope you can conquer that procrastination and work through your projects.

    Cao makes a great point here. I sense that you tend to fight the inevitable, expending so much energy you have little left to tackle the daily routine. Rather than trying to tear down every barrier, it may well be easier to follow where they direct you.

    I also like that you've recently taking to lunchtime walks, especially since you seem to be an amateur birder. I imagine that this time alone in nature can bring you tranquility and calm.

    I wish you success as you strive for peace.
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thinking about my vision, this is still not urgent which is something else I have been struggling with in my recent posts. The narrative for rebooting is that if I really want it enough I will be urgent. There are a few things which I can do with focus and urgency one of them is P.
    Yes, it has been some while since last I was here. Today I have given posting here an urgency. I tried a rambling post from my phone yesterday but I got distracted and did not press the post button.

    Thinking about my vision which has been sinuous over the last month I feel that I should clear the decks wholesale and focus on a couple of major things grow those and then if I find there is space give myself permission to return to those things that still occupy my interest. Assuming that to be true I feel that the Vision should be something like :-

    Dedicate myself in service to my Christian community, this encompasses meditation on a daily basis and reading the Bible. It also means greater visibility in the church attending services and being of service. I see this as a direct analogy with attending face to face at a 12 Step fellowship and that it is the face to face service which is necessary. By extension this also means
    • Raise the priority for time with Mrs Heron and find ways for me to calm the relationship there.
      Increase the value of time that I spend with the fledgling Herons, I feel at the moment that I give them low quality in large quantities the ideal would be higher quality and not necessarily quite so much.

    Beyond that I also need to pay attention to my career there are obvious ways to grow that and it helps to financially support both my family and the work of the church. As well as socialising myself everyday, it also teaches the children that we must contribute to our community.

    Posting here and sharing the journey with you guys is important to me, your opinions count and I hope that my opinions help to clarify your journeys.

    This is all I feel that I should keep and I do feel that this is challenge enough.
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It has been a week since my last post, but that is good going so I pat myself on the back for it. Over this past week I have faced off some challenges, I have shared some of what I wrote last week with Mrs Heron. She is not behind me so it just has to come from me to drive it forward. That is not exactly a surprise. Also it feels as if I determined last week to be more sensitive to her needs. This morning our youngest son was not well, there was some doubt about whether he could go to school. Privately I realised that my attitude was that Mrs Heron was not at work so she could run around after him. She was put out because neither of us heard him sobbing in the night, otherwise she might have made more of the impact this has on her day. I was already aware that I did not want to let it spoil my plans for the day. In part this is because Mrs Heron grants to me 10 hours out of the house to earn us some money. I resent that she can adjust that time to suit her but if I need to be flexible I have to enter into negotiations. It is very easy to make me feel guilty for the things I have done, maybe P gives me more guilt and maybe it comforts me. One way of dealing with it is to be clear with myself what I should do and then to do it. Maybe the guilt I felt was empathy for Mrs Heron.

    My time is up and so I shall fly
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Do these posts just seem like one stream of pain after another? Today I am using the write offline before dragging and dropping into the journal method as there is a very strong obsession with dropping my reboot and dragging myself into the demi-world.

    Earlier in the week a word flashed up on my mobile as I texted Mrs Heron that word triggered the address of a P. website. Then the idea occurred to me that basically we have two internet accounts at work which are unmonitored. I dodged that ball but I do not know how. In fact I noticed something different, I was excited at the thought of accessing a site which I have not been able to access for a long time. I realised what was happening and tried to de-escalate. Then without having looked at an image I got the immediate sensation of withdrawal it was not pleasant and I do feel cheated. I have simply endeavoured to immerse myself in what is important at the time.

    The eldest son has gone out for an overnighter, we appreciate the peace but we also miss him very much, as his parents we feel that we all belong together. I enjoyed the freedom of driving back on my own I even felt a little sad that I was not getting the chance to enjoy it for longer. The area was one I knew well from growing up until twenty years ago and I feel that I have not experienced the freedom that this time promised I met Mrs Heron then and we have been quite inseparable since. Instead of asking my mother for permission to go out I have requested clearance from my wife.

    The world is full of unexpected triggers for me. They are innocuous to anyone else but very powerful to me. As an example I can compare it to a work role I had eight years ago. I was privileged to deploy data loggers to the water network in the city where I live. Even now something will trigger the recollection of an area where I worked and especially a location near my home I panic because I do not recall retrieving the logger. Writing this has reminded me of something else which is not so safe to write about on this site.

    Tiem to log off and return to flying in the real world.
  18. Augustines _Bro

    Augustines _Bro New Member

    That's why we're here, Grey, to support you as you navigate all those daily nagging struggles and pains, and to keep you focused on your goals to stay PMO-free and become a better man.

    Looks like you had to reset your counter recently. You know, of course, to not let that hold you back, to put aside any guilt and shame, but rather to use those to refocus your motivation in a positive way. Hold your head high. Sometimes we lose sight of our progress as we work through our day-to-day. And I do see progress since you started this journal.

    Stay strong. I wish you peace.
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Augustine's Bro, thanks for dropping in so quickly and re-assuring me that it is OK to be where I am. That was just more of the Should Have Already Mastered Everything talking.

    Between sixty and ninety days are pretty easy to master for me when I can get the re-boot started. Sometimes when I strike a rhythm at the right time, coming here feels really uplifting other times I feel that it keeps me focussed on the way into living the rebooted life and gives me hope that others are doing it and I can too. I have a very good reason to stay rebooted for 120 days, but the momentum needs to be continued.

    Once again I am here in part to spite Mrs Heron, we are not talking after I overreacted to something she said. I have tried to say sorry and I am still in the dog house over it. This could be a consequence of being in the early days of a reboot. Just one more reason not to relapse. Two days ago I had a really bad headache and I am trying to journal very factually and dryly the things which could be affecting it, including progress towards the 120 day goal.

    Mrs Heron does not like me writing here because she feels by doing so I am rejecting her. I feel that she would take the sort of things I write about my lust to heart. Yesterday I noticed two women in un-connected situations use what Mrs Heron would call familiar terms with me. That is something that I do not feel she needs to know because there would be some deeper interpretation attached to it if I shared it. Consequently I artificially limit the opportunities I have to contribute, sometimes goading myself because I stay up late to view P. or sneak P at work but am wary of sneaking on here.

    When life feels too burdensome I look for an escape.
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Well the disagreement with my wife was resolved quickly once I sat her down and forced her to talk. It was in part her lack of communication and in part mine. I should be more considerate and take more interest in what is happening in her life.

    We are part way through having an extension built on the side of the house. So far it is not disrupting life inside the house. We are excited and enjoying planning what we could put into it.

    The headache which I mentioned in my last post is still not far away. The journal for that is very hit and miss. Is it possible that the ups and downs of our common distress are having any effect on the headaches?

    Still at work when I have drifted it has not been onto P nor has it been to come to this forum either.

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