They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    To call how I feel as depression is something that I shy away from, perhaps someone else would call it that. I am fed-up of being at home. I am fed-up at not being socialised.

    I repeated that I had an internet met-up with some friends coming up on Saturday and my wife told me that it was inconvenient. I told her it was happening. I need to clarify arrangements before it is too late.

    I have always been an in a hurry sort of person getting nothing done. Perhaps I am one of those people who does not get excited about anything. All I have ever wanted to do is shag as many women as possible, but I fear being lonely doing that. When it comes to considering anything else as a purpose for my life I can settle on a worthy thing here or there but these all require commitment which I do not have and they simply do not keep me enthralled. Sports are a fad that comes and goes, television passes me by pursuit of money, despite what my wife says, leaves me flat. It could be that this is what attracted me to the title for my journal God promises to the faithful energy and perseverance. I so want some of that but without trying.

    I would have gone to a P. site rather than here but the internet was slow and I had the space to open this up to post here as a result. To be honest I have collected a short list of alternative P sites to the usual ones and I am noticing real women all around in exercise gear. This can be considered a surrender of my reboot. I am also noticing something that I have not noticed for several years and that is a strong urge to M, that usually follows am extended period of edging.
     
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  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am playing with fire, but I am even inclined to say the fire is playing with me. I learned this some time ago but today I am expressing it in a new way. I have been thinking about P. and the pleasure that it might bring to me almost constantly. I have been tempted to visit a video site but I know that I will be disappointed. Still I try to think of the ultimate search term for when I get online. I have gone back to thinking about some quite rough types of behaviour and then rationalising that I would not enjoy that with my wife, now if I had a holiday friend that would be another matter, the idea fades out trying to fantasise about me and my wife in some romantic embrace.

    I cannot claim that I am infatuated with my wife, I reason that given the time we have known each other we are bound to loose the gloss. I do not like my attitude but I do torment myself wishing she were different.

    Peace and every Good
     
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Once again I am back. It has also been time for the Face 2 Face meeting on a Saturday. This was on a digital meeting platform but nonetheless I was moved by it and it seemed to buoy me up until suppertime.

    My wife is finding constantly having someone or other in the house tiring. She would complain about my sister making such a claim. I have had to deal with my emotions as the result of her pleading with me to do something about it. When I reminded her that I was doing the face 2 face she tried to stop me and I did it regardless. Later, in the late afternoon, I came over completely directionless and took to checking things off my chores list. Today I have done some chores, the meeting and spent time making memories with my sons. I feel guilty that I have not done anything on my to do list. Did try to fix a vacuum cleaner but that was a lost cause from the start because my meter is not functioning, I use it so often that I have to remind myself how it works every time I get it out. What is more if I was asked my purpose in life is still to snag a sexy woman. I want a car, a house, a job and a family even to aid with that task. I can get animated by environmental topics; I can try to offer an opinion on inclusive society and I like to talk about food but ultimately I feel that I have the tenacity to lead a sex-cult or I am happy to be the grunt living someone else's dream. You could say that my career has had two false starts but I was in no hurry to cement them or get out of them and even now I am happy to keep doing what the boss wants so long as I get paid.

    Peace and every good
     
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi GreyHeron, It was fortunate that the Internet was slow and that you posted here instead.

    You mentioned that you are noticing real women all around in exercise gear. Was this on the alternative sites you mentioned? During the reboot we’ve got to be so careful with our minds telling us that it’s okay to substitute certain sites/Images/videos as they’re not ‘real porn’. But if there’s an urge to check them out then thy pretty much are porn, and if we start looking, then it’s likely tht we’ll escalate and end up looking at stuff that is real porn.

    You mentioned that it could be considered a surrender of your reboot. However, if you compiled that list and then didn’t act on it, or even looked at it briefly, and then stopped, then that could be considered progress as you didn’t go a a full-blown porn binge looking at all the old sites, videos, etc which you might have done in the past.

    One think I’ve been learning about is that one day of lapse doesn’t reset the reboot to zero. As long as overall the trend is towards reducing pron usage, then progress is being made. That’s why some say tht using a spreadsheet is way better than a counter as you get to see the trend over time, rather than just an all or nothing number. Having said that, I’m still using a counter!
     
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  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks Clovis6,
    I think what I was trying to say at the time I wrote there was not much road left to travel. I had pretty much wrung the dopamine out of that exercise. The women in exercise gear are real women and I still got some pleasure from seeing them in the street and that fuelled the urge to look online.
    Today I feel like that is behind me, no doubt at some point in the future I shall face the same challenge and then I will have to recall what I have learnt.

    Peace and every good
     
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  6. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi GreyHeron, It’s great that you feel that is behind you. Even better is the fact that you realise at some point in the future you’ll have to deal with a similar situation again. It might be worth taking a little time to rehearse what you’d do in such a similar situation in the future, so you can go over what preventative measures you’d take.

    For me, I tended to act out at night, so I make sure that my ipad is switched off and left in the study and never taken into the bedroom. I also don’t do any surfing in the evening which might lead to me accidentally stumbling across any images on regular sites that might make me want to check out more ‘interesting’ images.
     
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I am finding it difficult to get onto here, perhaps I should get onto my Internet Service Provider and offer to return to the previous one if they cannot sort it.

    I am feeling generally ambivalent about life. I feel as if I get up, do what I must for work, spend time with the family, do what I must to prepare for the next day and then go to bed. There is an argument and this has probably been mentioned previously when I have talked about feeling like this for saying that I should see the beauty in the seemingly ordinary and mundane. Part of the problem is that my wife can see what is wrong with me, I accept that sometimes she has twenty twenty vision, but she cannot see when the thing she dislikes about me is actually something she ought to be tackling in herself. I have had an issue recently with apparently solid sleep being inadequate, so she offers me the advice to turn the computer off sooner which is hard to take from her who I feel could take that advice on board to tackle disturbed sleep.

    I am wanting to turn out the clutter from my life, the bookcase is looking attractive to discard lots of books and after that there are many CDs and DVDs that I could get rid of. I have paper stored in the desk and the cupboard, I will not miss the paper. It makes my heart sink to go into the roofspace and see the waste that is stored there. The garage is untidy too. I would not readily admit it but it does feel as if my life is chaotic.

    On an even more positive note I have undertaken some more small tasks in the house which I have not tackled before and these despite being small have brought me pleasure.

    Peace and every good.
     
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  8. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi GreyHeron,

    I’ve also been wanting to tackle cluster myself. When I look at the clutter as a whole it can get overwhelming. So I’ve started to try and build the habit of tackling just a bit at a time. I also set a timer and do my 20 minutes of delcuttering regardless of how I feel. I’ve also found putting on music really helps, as that lifts my mood as I set abut tidying up/throwing out stuff.

    I kind of regard my reboot from PMO and plan to declutter as one and the same thing. I think that as my prefrontal cortex starts to heal through abstaining from PMO and also strengthen due to consistently decluttering, then those two areas should help each other out. I hope that makes sense. I should try and figure out the science behind it!
     
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I am certain that I have said so before but since I last wrote on here I have had a realisation. The realisation is that many of the things I complain about on here are making me sound like I am a victim. As of my last entry I am trying to see that I can smile because the glass is half full or I can return to my old behaviour and moan because the glass is half empty.

    Thinking about what I have written it is like I am breathing new air. I am endeavouring to be content with doing what floats my boat, I am fond of doing what I think I should rather than what my soul drives me to do. Coming here I am hoping to help myself sometimes that means looking at my difficulties with someone else. The desire to honour that statement comes and goes but deep down I want it. I am reminded of a time when my son was ill. I felt similar then to how I feel now. My world could have fallen in if he had died but I felt invincible. Once I said that it felt as if I was a new car tyre being worn in. That was meant to express that life was new, life had potential and I was going on an adventure. Well I lost that vision until recently.

    Peace and every good
     
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  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Back again and something on my mind is how despite enjoying the idea of being more positive, I still harbour buckets of anger. Today my wife nagged me to mow the lawn. In my opinion the lawn is very poor and did not need mowing. My anger rose and I felt that I was just her puppet this was fuelled by the sexual knock backs I am chalking up without realising that I am. Other than that I have wished that I could take some space to examine my spiritual life but prioritised clearing some rubbish out of the garage I want the garage cleared. I am gearing up to test the passion that I will be better with less clutter in my life. Earlier in the week I had a disagreement with M our youngest son, I stepped out of that because it was taking me to a dark place. I am still grateful that my relationship with A is in a bright place despite the years when that was in a dark place. I sometimes want to refer back to that time and tell him that I so wish he does not find himself there being the perpetrator as so many victims do in later life. I said on Wednesday that I am looking at a glass half full and acknowledging that this happened in my past feels like I want to dwell in the glass half empty sphere.

    Peace and every good.
     
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  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Good to see you back .
     
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Here once again. My wife is letting small things get to her and I am in turn letting her drag me to where she is. Today I resisted and she tried, definitely tried, to take me where she was. I kept inviting her to where I was and eventually let her stay in her cave whilst I lived in the sunshine. She gave up trying to force me into that place. Sometimes I start going her way and then it gets hard to come out of it.

    Peace and every good
     
  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Being agreeable is smart as long as you remember if I its something you disagree with to not go to far. Peace definitely but------.
     
  14. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It's great that you could retain your mood despite your wife's, it's too easy to be thrown off balance by others.
     
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am thinking that what I wrote about yesterday has much to do with staying with the feeling and not trying to sooth it or to deny it. There is a BBC children's TV character named Captain Adorable he is never needed and rarely useful. Sometimes to mock myself I rush to assist my wife saying "There's no need to Thank me, it's what I do" which is his catch phrase. In many of those cases I am motivated by something other than genuine love and in actual fact I just need to keep out.
    In the examples that I reference yesterday she is thrashing around in her own rubbish and I am uncomfortable at her distress. What I should do is to offer a hand and not take offence when she is happy to get even more worked up.

    Peace and every good
     
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  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    We have a child free house at the weekend. There is an air of expectation with both me and my wife. I would say that I do not want this just because the opportunity is there. I have been snacking whenever I get the chance. I have clicked on an article that is in my caution zone, I clicked off it before I got too engrossed. I fleetingly thought about searching for P. instead of coming here. All of these are evidence that my body is wanting some action or has just had some action. I am confused, I feel that my wife is just a convenient vessel rather than someone I am close to. Much of the time I am feeling that I have a season of growth ahead of me. I want to be already there on top of the hill not at the bottom. I can relate to the hill analogy because I rode up a couple of hills this morning. When I was at the bottom of one of these hills I did not believe that I would get to the top it looked steep and I tried to ride it in too high a gear, please also bear in mind they were short inclines rather than hills.

    Peace and every good.
     
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  17. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    I hope that it worked out well for you this weekend.
     
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you for the thoughts Clovis. We had our weekend together. Yes we got some action in it still did not feel like we were connecting. In the after glow my wife did share some vulnerable feelings, which I was able to appreciate and respond to. I found an opportunity to express my expectations on Thursday but the message was not received.

    Peace
     
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  19. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Although you mentioned that it did not feel as though you and your wife were connecting, it seems as though there was some connection and intimacy, so that has to be good. I think wherever we all are in this process, there’s a need for patience and that things may be slow to change. I ‘m certainly finding that’s true with myself.
     

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