They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    This shall almost certainly turn into a long catch-up on the past few days.

    Mrs Heron upset the Scout leaders at the troop our son attends. Because it is the one my son attends I was reluctant to ask if they needed any help but after that I was even more convinced to approach another local troop. It is strange but I could frame my offer as an act of Christian witness because the first candidate is in the adjoining village where I attend church, when I go. I felt that her comments were inappropriate and that I could either publicly undermine her or let her undermine me, my actions were to effectively undermine me.

    I was not open to Mrs Heron on Saturday because of her behavioour but it had dissipated by Sunday when we had a fine time in the garden.

    My network of men is very small and mostly at work where there are not the role models that I wish to emulate or share my struggles with. This is something that I feel should be challenged and I feel at the moment that it will be hit and miss whether I would find anything at the end of the search.

    peace and every good
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2020
    positivef likes this.
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    As I was stomping around a coupleof days ago I was feeling very low about the prospects for my marriage. I even contemplated moving into the spare bedroom. I feel that this is fuel for a growth spurt which I need to ride. I spent some time reading and responding to NMMNG last night and felt that I was in a groove with that.

    I want to spend more time reading and responding here. This is a tanglible way for me to make connections with real people. I feel that I have no other option, my addict says that I can spend time not committing to anything.

    I think a strong part of my character wants to be a child. I catch myself thinking that without my wife I can do this or that. When I was growing up I found myself thinking when I have reached this point or that I will have the freedom to do this action. Today my frustration may be related to the fact that I have little experience of having reached the point of personal freedom, I met my wife when we were young and so we have not been properly independent. I must have a conversation with my wife about this and assure her that it is me not her. I also have to be aware that this is adolescent experimenting with the alternatives and not committing to doing things like this all the rest of my life.

    I have mentioned, earlier in the year, that I am making changes to my finances because my parents are giving away some of their wealth. Internally I am struggling with the fact that my parents have chosen to go without things to accumulate this, alternatively my wife and sons have gone without things to accumulate a smaller fund, so what would the responsible thing be to do with this money? I have until now seen my little fund as a war chest for something major. Such as if M needs something because of his past illness. If I were to spend some of it my first priority would be to gift several of the charities that helped us when M was ill. Of course I would like to buy another couple of bikes and Mrs Heron would want some new furniture. I have tried to engage my wife in deciding what our intentions are but she did not mesh with me at the time. I am content to say that until she engages, this money will be passed to our sons with any growth that may occur. What I am uneasy about here is that my wife has not engaged because I have asked in the wrong way.

    I feel that you have done well to read this far today, I need to leave something for another day so I shall bid you

    Peace and every good
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member


    I thought that I would make a quick post here to save cluttering other people's journals with stuff that belongs here more than there.

    Over the past week I have been easily aroused, I feel that there is something sensitive inside me and when that is triggered then I am aroused. I get horny around my wife but only because I legitimately get sex from her. I am also being triggered much more in public, sometimes under the misapprehension that I am shopping for a girlfriend for my son.

    I have made several web searches recently that are not necessary but yield arousing images, yesterday one of these was a link to a new P site. As I watched the page load I sensed my arousal drain so that before it was complete I closed the page. At the moment images alluding to sex are more triggering than actual P is for me.

    Before we had the issues with supplies in the supermarket I was planning on altering my diet. I missed the opportunity last weekend and I am no further forward with that today.

    peace and every good
    nuclpow likes this.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Tell me about it. Can you tell me how many days you're PMO-free? Thanks.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    What do you mean in your signature with 'wife biased', if I may ask?
  6. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member


    I am having trouble getting on here at the moment. Spending time at home means that I have to use certain techniques and only at certain times. Even typing now is taking a risk.

    Nuclpow as I see it I have put the hours into my recovery that mean I am in a space now that means I cruise close realise and then abort. Only to fly somewhere safe to land and gather myself. If I choose to I can land somewhere ill advised and then you guys do not see for a couple of weeks and I am not helpful when I return here. I have given up focussing on number of days PMO free, even coming here and being with the board brings up feelings that I feel could be avoided, there is a certain temptation to act out when you reach a new personal best. For the record I believe that I last looked at P in Nov 2019.

    Deep down I am learning what it means to accept that I am broken. That feelings will come up, how to accept them and then to choose how I shall respond.

    I hope to come back later and respond to Gil79

    Grace and every peace
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    No worries, man. Stay strong!
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Over the weekend I had a cold and so I took myself to bed early in the evenings. Now we are supposed to be avoiding social contact so much that the office is closed. I still need to find out what my internet service provider has against us.

    Gil79's question is an interesting one. On the face of it I would say that if there is anyone on earth who should influence me above everyone else that is my wife. I am on this earth for a purpose and part of that purpose is to be by her side. I say that it is interesting because the Nice Guy that is me affords my wife more influence than I should. I have long been aware that upsetting Mrs Heron is uncomfortable and to be avoided where possible.

    Recently, I got into trouble because she was complaining about something affecting us both and would not shut up about it, so I donned the armour of Captain Adorable and offered to slay her dragon. She was not looking for that she just wanted me to nod my head and say something in agreement leaving us both stuck in the mire of our problem. So yes she turned all hostile and told me what I had done wrong. In the past we have had full blown rows until I learnt to surrender early.

    My signature expresses the wish to live by my set of values letting her influence the way I do so whilst nurturing our family and I like the geographical reference to a culture of keeping it human.

    Grace and every good
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    But can you still call it a value if you basically feel that you have no other choice? I think that a husband/ father should have an equal influence in the family and by definition this is a different one that the one of the wife/ mother. It is very unpowering and unmanning not to trust in your own judgement. At least that is how I felt in my own situation with my wife. Working on my nice-guy issues has led to a lot of confusion for my wife and some fights, but in the end our relationship got a lot better.
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Gil79 I think that you are trying to challenge me, I am not sure that I understand what else you are saying.
    I do give my wife undue influence at the moment. I am supposedly breaking free of the tendency to tug the forelock, but I doubt she realises that leave alone anyone else.

    I am still rather enjoying the adventure of being in lock down. I am camping somewhat haphazardly on the desk in the "Study" our youngest son is working on the dining table. The eldest is in his room doing whatever has been set by school. My wife is sitting on the sofa for the most part. I am struggling not to make a big thing about her being lazy, I think she already knows that she is and is looking for her own ideas about how to be more proactive. I feel that challenging her will only cause a kick back which will make things worse. Think of us when we were in our addiction, did we need to be told the blatantly obvious?

    We are at odds over my parents' attitude to the lock down but I feel that my wife has her own blind spots. Once again I have said my piece and refuse to repeat myself despite wanting to shout at her that she is being hypocritical.

    Peace and every good
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have just annoyed my wife, she asked me how I was using this computer to write here. I told her honestly that I had set this computer up to access YourBrainRebalanced, to her the computer is broken so she now thinks that I was being patronising.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    No, not at all. It is just out of interest in how other men see and deal with these things. But I also realize that it is a bit bold to just ask these kinds of things in a journal where people alreayd write very personal things. On top of that I am not a native speaker, so there might be a translation thingy as well ....

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