They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    This shall almost certainly turn into a long catch-up on the past few days.

    Mrs Heron upset the Scout leaders at the troop our son attends. Because it is the one my son attends I was reluctant to ask if they needed any help but after that I was even more convinced to approach another local troop. It is strange but I could frame my offer as an act of Christian witness because the first candidate is in the adjoining village where I attend church, when I go. I felt that her comments were inappropriate and that I could either publicly undermine her or let her undermine me, my actions were to effectively undermine me.

    I was not open to Mrs Heron on Saturday because of her behavioour but it had dissipated by Sunday when we had a fine time in the garden.

    My network of men is very small and mostly at work where there are not the role models that I wish to emulate or share my struggles with. This is something that I feel should be challenged and I feel at the moment that it will be hit and miss whether I would find anything at the end of the search.

    peace and every good
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2020
    positivef likes this.
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    As I was stomping around a coupleof days ago I was feeling very low about the prospects for my marriage. I even contemplated moving into the spare bedroom. I feel that this is fuel for a growth spurt which I need to ride. I spent some time reading and responding to NMMNG last night and felt that I was in a groove with that.

    I want to spend more time reading and responding here. This is a tanglible way for me to make connections with real people. I feel that I have no other option, my addict says that I can spend time not committing to anything.

    I think a strong part of my character wants to be a child. I catch myself thinking that without my wife I can do this or that. When I was growing up I found myself thinking when I have reached this point or that I will have the freedom to do this action. Today my frustration may be related to the fact that I have little experience of having reached the point of personal freedom, I met my wife when we were young and so we have not been properly independent. I must have a conversation with my wife about this and assure her that it is me not her. I also have to be aware that this is adolescent experimenting with the alternatives and not committing to doing things like this all the rest of my life.

    I have mentioned, earlier in the year, that I am making changes to my finances because my parents are giving away some of their wealth. Internally I am struggling with the fact that my parents have chosen to go without things to accumulate this, alternatively my wife and sons have gone without things to accumulate a smaller fund, so what would the responsible thing be to do with this money? I have until now seen my little fund as a war chest for something major. Such as if M needs something because of his past illness. If I were to spend some of it my first priority would be to gift several of the charities that helped us when M was ill. Of course I would like to buy another couple of bikes and Mrs Heron would want some new furniture. I have tried to engage my wife in deciding what our intentions are but she did not mesh with me at the time. I am content to say that until she engages, this money will be passed to our sons with any growth that may occur. What I am uneasy about here is that my wife has not engaged because I have asked in the wrong way.

    I feel that you have done well to read this far today, I need to leave something for another day so I shall bid you

    Peace and every good
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member


    I thought that I would make a quick post here to save cluttering other people's journals with stuff that belongs here more than there.

    Over the past week I have been easily aroused, I feel that there is something sensitive inside me and when that is triggered then I am aroused. I get horny around my wife but only because I legitimately get sex from her. I am also being triggered much more in public, sometimes under the misapprehension that I am shopping for a girlfriend for my son.

    I have made several web searches recently that are not necessary but yield arousing images, yesterday one of these was a link to a new P site. As I watched the page load I sensed my arousal drain so that before it was complete I closed the page. At the moment images alluding to sex are more triggering than actual P is for me.

    Before we had the issues with supplies in the supermarket I was planning on altering my diet. I missed the opportunity last weekend and I am no further forward with that today.

    peace and every good
    nuclpow likes this.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Tell me about it. Can you tell me how many days you're PMO-free? Thanks.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    What do you mean in your signature with 'wife biased', if I may ask?
  6. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member


    I am having trouble getting on here at the moment. Spending time at home means that I have to use certain techniques and only at certain times. Even typing now is taking a risk.

    Nuclpow as I see it I have put the hours into my recovery that mean I am in a space now that means I cruise close realise and then abort. Only to fly somewhere safe to land and gather myself. If I choose to I can land somewhere ill advised and then you guys do not see for a couple of weeks and I am not helpful when I return here. I have given up focussing on number of days PMO free, even coming here and being with the board brings up feelings that I feel could be avoided, there is a certain temptation to act out when you reach a new personal best. For the record I believe that I last looked at P in Nov 2019.

    Deep down I am learning what it means to accept that I am broken. That feelings will come up, how to accept them and then to choose how I shall respond.

    I hope to come back later and respond to Gil79

    Grace and every peace
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    No worries, man. Stay strong!
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Over the weekend I had a cold and so I took myself to bed early in the evenings. Now we are supposed to be avoiding social contact so much that the office is closed. I still need to find out what my internet service provider has against us.

    Gil79's question is an interesting one. On the face of it I would say that if there is anyone on earth who should influence me above everyone else that is my wife. I am on this earth for a purpose and part of that purpose is to be by her side. I say that it is interesting because the Nice Guy that is me affords my wife more influence than I should. I have long been aware that upsetting Mrs Heron is uncomfortable and to be avoided where possible.

    Recently, I got into trouble because she was complaining about something affecting us both and would not shut up about it, so I donned the armour of Captain Adorable and offered to slay her dragon. She was not looking for that she just wanted me to nod my head and say something in agreement leaving us both stuck in the mire of our problem. So yes she turned all hostile and told me what I had done wrong. In the past we have had full blown rows until I learnt to surrender early.

    My signature expresses the wish to live by my set of values letting her influence the way I do so whilst nurturing our family and I like the geographical reference to a culture of keeping it human.

    Grace and every good
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    But can you still call it a value if you basically feel that you have no other choice? I think that a husband/ father should have an equal influence in the family and by definition this is a different one that the one of the wife/ mother. It is very unpowering and unmanning not to trust in your own judgement. At least that is how I felt in my own situation with my wife. Working on my nice-guy issues has led to a lot of confusion for my wife and some fights, but in the end our relationship got a lot better.
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Gil79 I think that you are trying to challenge me, I am not sure that I understand what else you are saying.
    I do give my wife undue influence at the moment. I am supposedly breaking free of the tendency to tug the forelock, but I doubt she realises that leave alone anyone else.

    I am still rather enjoying the adventure of being in lock down. I am camping somewhat haphazardly on the desk in the "Study" our youngest son is working on the dining table. The eldest is in his room doing whatever has been set by school. My wife is sitting on the sofa for the most part. I am struggling not to make a big thing about her being lazy, I think she already knows that she is and is looking for her own ideas about how to be more proactive. I feel that challenging her will only cause a kick back which will make things worse. Think of us when we were in our addiction, did we need to be told the blatantly obvious?

    We are at odds over my parents' attitude to the lock down but I feel that my wife has her own blind spots. Once again I have said my piece and refuse to repeat myself despite wanting to shout at her that she is being hypocritical.

    Peace and every good
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have just annoyed my wife, she asked me how I was using this computer to write here. I told her honestly that I had set this computer up to access YourBrainRebalanced, to her the computer is broken so she now thinks that I was being patronising.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    No, not at all. It is just out of interest in how other men see and deal with these things. But I also realize that it is a bit bold to just ask these kinds of things in a journal where people alreayd write very personal things. On top of that I am not a native speaker, so there might be a translation thingy as well ....
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    OK I am defensive I saw what Gil79 wrote as a challenge because I do not want to accept the things I am writing about in my recent posts. I do feel that I should be making progress with the NMMNG program and I feel that a backbone is sorely needed instead of this timidity that I live by. The question of compulsion that Gil79 asked is a difficult one, I might hold a value because as I see it something is that clearly non-negotiable what I would not say is that it is essential that anyone else should hold that value. Sometimes I might feel that someone else is trying to tell me that I should hold a certain value and that I cannot get out of it, which is what I thought Gil79 was trying to imply my wife was doing to me.

    My wife has admitted that part of her frustration, I wrote about on 25th March, could have been mitigated by taking an action sometime ago that she has only now taken. I am not making anything of it and still making subtle suggestions when appropriate but not demanding that she acts on my advice.

    On a positive note, I am having a productive weekend. I have accomplished several small milestones and it feels that I am putting things in motion to accomplish others. Less positive I would also jump into bed with the first offer I get which means that I am vulnerable to P, I have been snared by outer circle triggers today.

    Peace and every good
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2020
    Saville likes this.
  14. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Last weekend's productivity streak has continued this weekend. That said I have also spent sometime with my boys. I got a surprise sex session in the week, just as I was settling to do some self growth work.

    Sex is not likely this weekend, my wife is getting fed-up with the order to shelter in safety. She has not been particularly tolerant of it from the start judging by the amount of time she has spent railing at people she thinks are breaking the order. Yesterday, I made the mistake of not heralding her return from a small shopping trip with fireworks and she has been unbearable since. I could offer to cook this week but it would have to be on her terms and that is not worth handing over my authority for. I have tried suggesting ways to make my terms more palatable but she does not see it the way I do. I would try adding things for me to the shopping list and perhaps that is my next best move, she will not like it but I get to honour my promise and leverage my terms.

    I have embarked on the Jayson Gaddis - Indestructable Partnerships course. I signed up to a free offer thinking that my wife and I could do it together but she was not interested so I put it off for a couple of weeks. Looking at the chat I was particularly interested in a woman from the US to flirt with. I was conscious of what I was doing so I stopped before acting on it. I think that it was on the course that I have been inspired to try writing here once and replying to three other people.

    Peace and every good.
    nuclpow likes this.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Henry David Thoreau wrote "men live lives of quiet desperation." I think that is two-fold when one is married. lol

    Good job! As a reformed cyber-sex maniac I can tell you it is a worthless endeavor. Women who flirt online are as screwed up as those who flirt with them.

    Sounds like you're doing good work, GH!
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Just a brief post, it feels like I have taken a while to get this far tonight.

    I had a bad day on Monday, I think that the Indestructable Partnership stuff stirred up some silt for me. On Monday I chose to try and fettle the toilet, my wife was giving me earache to do something that I was aware of and was ignoring, in doing so a different but not surprising problem arose. Because my heart was not in it I blamed her for the complete change of direction for the day. I let her have the full force of my anger. After I had fixed the second problem I was able to apologise even though I had disturbed a joint elsewhere. All over the weekend I had been noticing that something in me was wrong but I justified that I could ignore it because someone else, usually my wife, was in the firing line. I have concluded that I blame others even though I cannot see myself doing it I do this by dressing it up as other things.

    As I typed that last line I felt the urge to reward myself with some P., I think that it is time to turn this computer off and go do something growth related.

    Peace and every good.
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am still being amazed at how little I am visibly affected by the Shelter in Place. I am sure that this is having a greater affect than I am letting on. I might snap at my wife and the children but I am not sure that is worse than if we were not in these strange times.
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Who am I kidding? This shelter in place is quietly driving me wild. I get such a kick from my daily exercise. One day a week I am choosing to exercise in the morning so that I do not have to put it off until late. It does not bring the desired mental relief. I was restless the other day and I did not finish the prison cell workout because of it. I have the rare problem of wanting to pack some bulk on, I am what some call an ectomorph and like my son I have rarely been over-weight.

    I have lashed out at A, he was goading M and this escalated into getting physical so I waded in. I am grateful that I did not take it further because it was all over the inside of my head to do so. I am apologised and hope to God that I do not go there again.

    I am also aware of a narrative in my head that I should be doing better by now. I have had opportunity aplenty to make positive changes. Yet I am stuck on the cusp of making early changes for fear of my wife's displeasure. I want to blame it on circumstances but I could have changed those. Once a month I socialise with some Christian blokes. There are some inoffensive guys amongst them but I seem drawn to one that I find abrasive. I put off making contact with anyone outside the meetings because I believe that it is in my interest to ask the abrasive one to be my mentor.

    My wife has been criticising the Scout leaders for making an effort to provide an online programme during lock down. Personally I take offence at her and wonder if it is really my passion. I tried some knotwork with M today which makes me wonder if I have some learning to do about delivery if I am to take it further.

    Earlier in the week I wanted to post something positive about how I was feeling about my marriage today I need to read what I was intending to write because I am casting my low self-esteem on my wife making out that she is the source of all my problems. I am now off to try and understand myself by talking to her.

    Peace and every good
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member


    It was my choice to sleep in the isolation suite for a few nights last week, I do not know why I did not mention it on Saturday, but I have returned to the marital bed. Shana James had GS Youngblood on her podcast. He has written a book about living with strong women. Dr Robert Glover has provided an endorsement for the book. I felt called to straighten my back after hearing him speak. I even think that I understand when he expressed some of the things said to me here which I have questioned.

    Currently I am reading a book on anger management because, like I have implied last week, I let stuff roll over me that I should not then I erupt. Honestly I can not see these until they result in my outburst. So far I have been given names for the triggers and I have started to look at times when I am uncomfortable and sort the feelings into different groups.

    Peace and every good
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It has been some time since I was last here. My wife has been in a better mood and thus she has given me that look when I usually post here. She is definitely not in a bright mood today. Earlier I was in a mood because "I must please her and lift her spirits".

    The being more proactive is waning slightly, as is the novelty of working from home.

    Peace and every good

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