They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Forlorn,

    Thanks, I need to live out what you say more than I do now. My great-grandmother was a stern matriarchal presence in our family, whilst I can see that her behaviour was controlling when I do the same it is from love and the subject of my attention needs that.

    It seems so difficult to sit with my own issues and to see what I need to do without trying to deflect it onto someone else. I wanted to look at some P yesterday and when I surrendered that I noticed a very real anxiety about money. I am at a loss as to what I can do, I am not aware that my wife sees that I am prepared to talk about what is rational and seek a compromise.

    Mrs Heron does not work at the moment. From a financial stand point I don't like that. Where the chores are concerned it is all about how she works hard and deserves a break in the evening and if she does anything that I should I am supposed to be a grateful little husband. The reverse is of no significance.

    I do resent reasonable requests, is that because of her attitude? We have a little chore she does it in the evening and I do it in the morning. I sometimes feel she could help with that in the morning. If that chore were the only problem it would not be worth challenging. Sometimes I just see myself as her little sub doing as I am told and that, I think, is when I resent that insignificant task.

    Peace and every good
     
  2. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Ever seen this poster? As hard as it seems maybe you could try reflecting on your own issues more to understand what drives your behaviour. Do you think fears about finances are the main reason you look to escape with porn - or are their other factors too?

    I share your anxieties about money although my situation is different as I'm the one who is presently unemployed. But we should try not to worry too much about finances, at least we have a roof over our heads - and other things are more important such as health.
     

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    Last edited: Dec 8, 2019
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Yes, quite right. When M was ill I kept telling myself that we had an emergency fund for a holiday, new car or a decent funeral if needed. I am sure that the family would have helped out too. Thankfully none of that was necessary. I worry about where the line is between being generous to the community at large and making sensible provision for our future needs. My parents want to gift me some money now to avoid tax if they gift it later. Initially I wanted to invest it for a mix of income and growth. Now I am leaning towards exploring how I could use that to be philanthropic whilst still having a very simple life.

    You are right about knowing myself I think there is a great deal about image and money is readily a part of that. Similarly, my wife is not the accessory that I expect her to be. I am not respected at work like I want to be, but I am not prepared to put in the effort to attract my own work. There a many things that I bring up here then realise that with some effort from me might change.

    Peace and every good.
     
    A New Man likes this.
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,

    I came here today because I am having issues at work that I need someone else to help me to resolve. I wanted to use some P. and it occurred to me to come here. When I did land the first message I read was one from GIL 79 posted in early November. It was applicable to the scenario described above.

    GIL was responding to @The long way home

    "Yes it is indeed important to stay focused even when we don't get what we aim for. It is dangerous to have expectations, I guess."

    I have been having trouble with erections waking me up in the night and staying awake entertaining the urge to pull. Reflecting on this I am resolving to be more present at home. Given the low quality way I speak about my marriage here I am not making it easy for my wife. Similarly, I am parading around making it out to be her responsibility to fix my problems.

    Last night she called me out for letting her down. At first I tried to defend myself, but as I was doing so I felt that an apology was needed. The apology softened her mood, but I am not sure that I did not scramble for the safety of denial. Given how it went I want to explore how to get better at doing this.

    Peace and every good
     
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have some confusing thoughts going through my head.
    I read another post on @Gil79 journal and it occurred to me that I might have made decisions in the past that have resulted in disappointments today. Fiar enough, change the decisions today to change the disappointments in the future. How much is it about changing expectation rather than trying to match outcomes to my arbitrary expectation? If so where does ambition and drive come in, I never have had much drive and dealt with the disappointment of being left behind by medicating with P. This morning when I tried to work beyond my comfort zone the computer was not obliging so agian I wanted to medicate.

    Peace and every good
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  6. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Changing expectations is so tough. I can write in my journal those things I've learned in the last few years of therapy, but those old expectations still thunder through my mind. I've tried, and continue to try, to focus on Now. Looking at the past creates the expectations and looking forward builds on them further. I'm not ignoring my past, simply trying to concentrate on how I feel now. Fear is a big part of it for me. Fear of the expectation and failure. The truth is that I cannot control the world around me as much as I would like to. Those expectations I create are built on assumptions-- If I do this, you'll do that. In truth, I don't know what you'll do. So, there is a fear of the unknown and a desire to control the outcome of events. How can I learn to accept things as they happen?

    Thanks for sharing and letting me ramble through some thoughts.
     
    positivef likes this.
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you to @MissingSelfCompassion what you have written has helped to crystalise what I have been thinking today. I can have intentions to arrive in a certain place, I can set a bearing for a way mark on the route there, and then there are many reasons why I may not make the progress that I expect. If I were to look at it from a different vantage point would I see progress of some description? Does it matter what I am setting out for today? Is it simply enough to be practising ready to face the challenge when it comes. I conclude that so long as I am making some self development then I am making progress, as @MissingSelfCompassion says it is easy to say and more difficult to believe if it does not meet the attachments.

    Peace and every good
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    At the moment I am going through another of my low spells. There is a general theme of review in my thoughts. There is a general trend to concentrate on one thing and do that well. At the face to face on Monday I somehow agreed to tackle the issue of what I eat for my lunch. Before starting out I was feeling as if the face to face was not something that I wanted to do. There was a clear need to be more mindful in what I do and to concentrate on doing just that until it was done going out was sure to get in the way of that.

    Productivity at work has slid and I am now getting some intermittent traction as I claw that back. In everything that I might judge myself for I am hearing 'just let it go, it is where you are at now'. I want to end this session and view some P but I know that there is nothing to compare to the real thing which is what I really want.

    Peace and every good
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Well Christmas has passed and things appear to be returning to normal. Mrs H has opened her legs for me twice and she looked at me warmly the other evening but to be honest we both felt quite run down. Run down is a feeling that I am familiar with over the past week. Even now I am trying to convince myself that I do not feel as bad as I think that I do. I speculate that I need a cast iron vision to overcome this malaise. I think it was yesterday I determined that I would achieve certain things and at the end of the day I felt more with it and even managed to push bed time that bit further. Today by contrast I have been to see mother in law and that is always laid back. She is opinionated and her behaviour concerns me. She is currently involved, read embedded, in the life of her community and one aspect of that is causing her trouble at the moment so reasonably at her age she has chosen to withdraw from that part of her life. I do not see her taking to her new freedom easily. At the same time, as with many people her age and younger, she is not convincing me that she is looking after herself.

    Simply because I have the computer turned on I keep thinking about how I might switch to viewing P. when I have posted this update.

    Tomorrow I want to find some stuff to throw away, I will make it more exciting by scheduling in some other things to do as well.

    My wife and I sat down and discussed a budget yesterday and I cannot believe that the spreadsheet which we wrote is predicting that we will be making my savings targets and still have additional money this time next year. Why have we been struggling for all this time? She has not been keen to entertain my savings targets in the past. Even last night she argued that I was being un-reasonable to think that we needed to set aside a specific sum of money for groceries after she was the one who claimed that we needed to make the only provision that could be reduced to match her expectations. I think that she felt I backed her into agreeing with me.

    Peace and every good
     
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am feeling more engaged with life at the moment. I am scheduling my time much more and like with the money if the budget runs out it runns out and I must move onto the next thing. So far this is working fine. I am frustrated because my tablet computer does not respect this resolve. Getting set up with the computer in a new place to write here took planning. I am excited about the possibilities and learning. There are some activities that I am curious about today and wonder if they should become habits in the long term, these were not on the timetable for today so there is some judgement that one should have been attempted.

    I have got myself into the habit of listening to Podcasts, I have written a schedule such that this one is listened to on a Sunday and that one on a Tuesday. Well I think it is too much and I am trying to prune it down to the right number. I think that it is just becoming background noise and the only way to treat it is to be intentional and to reflect on what is said more.

    Has anyone experience of sharing their work schedule so that you are not thrown off too much because a colleague wanted something doing this week that you thought was good enough next week? I do not like being rigid but at the same time I know how wild I can get when someone says stop what you are doing and fight this fire will you, my line manager is a fine one for doing that.

    Peace and every good.
     
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi
    Whilst I can honestly write that I do not feel the slightest bit interested in P today, I most definitely will not test to see if I feel the same after looking at some soft stuff nor shall I touch myself or fantasise about a scenario that could appear in a video of that type.

    I can tell you that my struggles are with a situation oft reported in my journal, that of resentment toward my wife. We had a good time over Christmas but I did notice that she was happy to sit back and give out the orders which I went along with. Now that I am back at work she is giving me the two year old child moaning about having to be an adult act in the evening. I wish that I could put out of my mind that I imagine she has been sat around doing not much. I am looking within myself for the power to do what I have to without letting on that I would rather not. She is not getting the validation that she is looking for from me I do not want her to see that I cannot handle her behaviour.

    Today at work I really have lost the traction that there was over the past couple of days. There is no obvious reason for it but I do have some intrusive tiredness.

    Peace and every good.
     
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, Yesterday was a low productivity day at work. Today is somewhat altered as a means to get done what should have been finished yesterday.

    At home I am wondering if I should take on more of the chores. This is an effort to say I work hard to bring in the wage and I am pleased with what I have achieved. To take charge in the home, increasingly I am feeling that A is parenting us, and I need to be the man. This may mean that I have less time for my wife, what I must not do is take time away from the children, she might feel that I am retaliating against her. I will take charge and shall not be dictated to by her if she wants to ask me to run around she must understand that I have to buy in.

    Peace and every good
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Mrs Heron seems sincere about her resolve to be more responsible with our money, I am pressing ahead with an appointment to meet a financial adviser and she wants to be involved. I honestly want to tell her that I can explain it all to her and that she should not worry her pretty little head about it. In all honesty I am probably only slightly more aware of what the adviser is likely to tell me than she is. I want to know her opinion but not necessarily act on what she says.

    The resolve to be more me probably helped me to stand my ground over this. I have also felt today that she has backed up my plan which leads me to want to change my plans, say it is time to re-assemble the guinea pig's run well she has suggested that it is the next thing for me to do which puts me off doing it next because I am nobody's whipping boy.

    I am also undecided about how to explore what this new resolve means. Partially because of a fear of failure and partially because I have many options to choose from.

    Peace and every good
     
  14. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I am frustrated because I have things that I want to do and do not have the time to do them. I have identified two things which are priority to do after posting here. Posting here is a priority. Getting started at work is never a priority, well rarely a priority.

    I am still pleased with my lack of interest in looking at P. and also I have not had any troubling thoughts about real women either. That is not to say I do not notice them, sometimes at inconvenient times and then they briefly take my attention from what I am supposed to be doing.

    A recurrent puncture on the bicycle is annoying me. The alternative ride has developed a fault at the same time.

    I am fascinated by the concept of living out the red pill life, for the resolution of doubt taking it back to The Matrix because there are some men out there who are speaking against things I approve of. This could be a safe way of speaking to those who need to hear what I have to say.

    Peace and every good
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hi GreyHeron, glad that you're making posting here a priortity:)

    It's easy to get caught up in the "I don't have time to do the things I want to" mindset trap. Most people fall into it...
    We always have the time to do the things we want to, we just choose differently. It's not a matter of time, it's a matter of choice and direction. I've had great success over the years creating a life based on doing what I want to do, rather than believing that I don't have the time to do what I want to do. I started slowly 30 years ago, and now, my life is in full tilt in doing/creating what I want. This has included starting my first business in 1995, and my second business in 2006. I've learned that where my heart, passions, and gifts are, there am I. Small steps at first, and the momentum begins to pick up in interestingly awesome ways from then on out. There's nothing special about me. It's just a matter of trusting/believing in who I am. You can easily do the same. Your heart, passions, and gifts are equally as awesome:D
     
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    After posting yesterday I allowed myself to get distracted by a lame video on YouTube. I then made things worse by watching a couple of others and before I knew it there was no time for my intentions.

    The obsession this season is to develop a program of outreach to support a network of men with the prospect of reducing my hours at my current job in the future. This is what I mean by Red Pill living it is scary whilst also seemingly powered by an inner drive.

    In the past I have obsessed over running a heel bar and going on to manage several branches with the prospect of helping men to rebuild their lives. There is a family history with shoe repair and my father is fearful that I may get ill and so he does not support this move. Which is ironic he has taunted death through his chosen career and he did not discourage me from pursuing a career in an industry which at the time was notorious for treating workers as disposable assets. What is more my ego wants me to stay where I am and grow in confidence and ability.

    Peace and every good.
     
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It has been some time since I last posted. I would joke that some reading this might think I have returned too soon, but they have taken the decision not to read my journal anyway.

    Nothing much to say just that I am of the opinion that I made heavy weather of staying away from P. for half my life, next week I shall have to say I fell off the wagon at the end of January.
    My rate of distraction at work is high, it seems that I really do not have the energy for what I am doing at the moment.

    My wife and myself are still having polite conversations about my investments and how we might provide for the boys from our income. These are in my name but they are a kind of joint decision.

    Peace and every good
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  18. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    We will never rid ourselves of triggers like work. However, each day and moment is a journey inward to get to know ourselves. Seeing how the triggers pull us is perhaps not a failure but a learning opportunity. Thanks for the update, friend.
     
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    hi, So many times I have said that I am going to come here and write what is on my mind. So many times I have given reasons to not follow through.
    Something that is on my mind is at the face to face I started a conversation about how work is still not giving me the satisfaction that I would like. This led on to exploring alternatives without sacrificing my current role. The conclusion was that I should experiment with leading a Scout troop. This is a great idea that I would like to jump into. I even think I mentioned here recently that I have had the idea to do this from another motivator. A few days later I found a piece of paper describing another conversation at the face to face which pre-dates this journal. On that occasion I describe an experience I had twenty five years ago and a frustration that was part of the experience was significant more recently because I was not leading a Scout troop. I will return to this again several times over the next few weeks as I tease out the objections.

    Peace and every good
     
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    When I resolved to write here today I had some thoughts, because I have not noted them down it cannot be guarenteed that I shall cover all points.

    I have noticed that I am wanting to escape the indecision surrounding what I wrote yesterday with sex with anyone that I consider to be worthy of my attention. It has also occurred to me that I went to one of my employers large offices last week and I cannot recall objectifying any women. Over the past few weeks I have on occasion been clicking on some inappropriate images when procrastinating, one image eventually offers me other similar ones all very innocent at the moment, but as someone said elsewhere compromising my boundaries.

    On a positive note until a colleague distracted me I had been making good progress with what I set out to acheive this morning. I felt the rage when I was disturbed. I have been setting myself short windows to acheive discrete targets, gamify your daily tasks, and these have ticked off rather well.

    I wonder if the Scout Leadership were to pass where would the time be found. Over the past couple of days I have thought about how starting might work well and give me a huge kick. After that I wonder if I can maintain the energy. Perhaps that is the defeatist already kicking my feet away. I can offer examples of where I have started well then faded, dramatically. On top of my own objection I have to battle through my wife's objections. I feel sure that she will list any number of things that I could be doing at home instead of planning or participating in Scouting activities. It is entirely possible that she will say that it is economically not possible. I know that this too is quitting before I get started.

    Something else that has come up, and is relevant to how I relate to you too, is the accountability. As can be seen above I am finding reasons not to engage with this. It is an attractive prospect to not go back to the face to face meeting for fair of having to justify my inaction.

    Thinking about what I have just written possibly I should attend to more things at home and look at ways to ease myself into the Scouting role.

    Peace and every good
     

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