They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    It is such a relief to have a place that I can come to.

    Things got really heavy on Sunday and we ended up arguing but not making any progress. We were both desperately worried that even if we could put a band aid on it now this was intractable in the long term. We went to bed not speaking, but some of the stuff she told me brought me down from my dais. I listened to some wise people on a couple of podcasts next day and vowed to be better. I have continued to dip into wise peoples heads as well as try to be compassionate on myself concluding that 'I am great as I am'. We made peace Monday and she woke me up in the night Tuesday for sex. It was very animalistic which I have said here is not usually something I value. With my current state of awareness it was beautiful. I am trying to catch myself when I make judgemental statements like that.

    Either I am wrapped in a pink fluffy cloud or a new light has entered into my life. Perhaps it is both. I am normally an optimistic person, perhaps too keen to trust. Many times people around me are losing their heads and I just get on and nothing bad happens. These situations might be good reason to shift gears but I do not. Maybe they are reason not to get comfortable but I ignore that. I am being judgemental again. I have read in NMMNG that I should not get sucked in to my wife's problems. I take issue with the Doc's advice to give her the silent treatment but I do think that I must keep from giving her unsolicited advice. At the meal table this evening I tried to give A the disinterested treatment because he had been cruel to M, similar principle to keeping out of my wife's concerns but my wife and M were not heeding my example. Hopefully they will all get the message if I persist.

    Time to soar.

    Peace and Every Good
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  2. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    It was really great to read about some victories in your journal. I'm happy for you!
     
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Thanks go out to Missing Self Compassion.
    This weekend I have been short and said some unkind things to my wife. The difference is this weekend I have heard them and realised that it is my problem. I want to solve everyone's problems as if I have none of my own to resolve. M got into some sort of a disagreement with his brother, my wife waded in to tell them to sort it out and M lost it. I tried to calm the situation down at first and when some harm had been done I realised that I would only cause more harm so pulled out for him to calm down with no help from anyone. I have mowed the lawn against my will because last weekend I said I would, that hurt. I need to be alert to my tendency to interfere and give advice to people who do not want it, least of all from me, all the while not dealing with my own issues.

    Shall Soar Now

    Peace and Every Good.
     
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi

    I am sure that it comes as no surprise to the wise amongst you that I am in the same place I was a fortnight ago.

    My wife is the root of all my problems and some of yours too. I have too many things to do that get in the way of having the life that I want, my wife can help with that. I am here today just to admit to that. I do not want her to know that is what I think so I am trying to keep those opinions to myself, which I would find easier if she was not so nit picky. With this background it is all the more amazing that when she tried, and failed disastrously because she took short cuts, to make a bolognese sauce from scratch I was able to be grateful and not to put her down. I can not help her but she probably assumes that I was struggling to be kind.

    At work I have been doing something that I have not been practicing for several years. I know that there are better ways to do what I have been set but I have nobody to ask at the moment. I am slightly concerned because if I do produce some good work I might get more on the back of it this is heightened by my not being proficient.

    Peace and Every Good
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Sounds like you're giving her quite a bit of power, GreyHeron. It's easy to blame others for the predicaments we're in. In the middle of our struggles, it's easy to forget that we always have the power of choice. Some more difficult than others:)
     
  6. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    It can be a game of tug of war at times. My wife is worried about my mental health and sometimes pulls punches thinking she is protecting me. No matter how many times I tell her that we must be open and communicate, she still wants to walk on egg shells. I try to focus on the fact that she cares for me and that is her motivation. Of course, I do the same thing. Tonight, she said when I ask her if she wants me to walk the dog when it is past our bed time it feels passive aggressive. I thanked her for being open and told her that I understand how frustrating that can be. Meanwhile in my head, I was thinking that if I ask before it gets too late she gets angry and pouts, "I was going to do it!" Instead of sharing that, I held it back. I recognize I can be passive aggressive. I also know when I am stressed out that I take it out on those around me, but I'm really projecting onto them. I'm really mad at myself. So, I assumed that is where her mind was tonight. Yet, here I am telling the story because I am mad that I didn't share this. It's what I do with this emotion, how I react. It's not about winning the tug of war.
     
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    NCBob yes reluctantly I am coming to realise this and live it. Today when I am in a much better place it is still a struggle.

    MissingSelfCompassion yes I let aggression toward myself express as aggression toward my wife or other people. I can remember clearly an occasion at work when I was supposed to be supporting an organisation who takes the critical aspect of critical friend to new places. One of their staff was talking to some research students and they asked a question which I could not answer and felt that I should have been able to, my shame connected with all the disappointment that I felt towards the organisation and I nearly opened my mouth to give an unprofessional answer.
    There are a number of things around here which I suck up rather than challenge because the scene my wife would make is not worth the hassle but I feel if I was as reliable as her she would call me out.

    I am surprised that I did not make an entry at the weekend. Friday evening I got myself into a very black place, so dark that it started to feel scary. I got myself into a disagreement with my wife and I am certain in other circumstances that she would have agreed with me. M was doing a night hike with the Scouts at short notice. We could not provide him with everything that I thought he needed. She just thought it was too much effort to provide him with what we could and would have preferred to pull him out of the experience. I conceded and let him go as he wanted because if I pressed on it would have been an even bigger loss. As I say though, I feared the consequences had something gone wrong. In this I realised that part of my aggravation was shame that our financial situation is not better and that I may be putting our son through some of the trials I was not comfortable with at his age.

    Here we sit balanced on a precipice, It is a fact that we are experiencing a financial challenge but it is easy to fall into blaming myself for not performing one role or to blame my wife for not performing another role and to say that we could have avoided this. we should be content that we are pursuing what we are and that this is the consequence of that pursuit.

    Regarding the opportunity at work, I have been denied this because of matters outside of my control. I am experiencing shame because I could have acted sooner to allow people to make that decision. I am also hurting because I imagine that this decision was made due to me being content to progress other projects rather than press those I have been working with to supply my specific needs. What I can say is that technically I learnt something from it and that I need to document what I learnt.

    I got myself into a state yesterday. Over the summer I investigated, with my father, an external door that was catching as we closed it. We both catastrophised the matter and went straight for the technical resolution. I worked from the inside of the door whilst he was on the outside. We did not make much difference so I hoped that with Autumn it would ease. Yesterday as I went to lock the door it was even worse. In desperation I took a hammer to the door just so that it locked. When I looked at the door this morning I thought that the problem might be quite simple and made a minor tweak, as as a precaution I told my wife to leave it alone and I did some research on the internet. Whilst I was at work my wife used silly logic and defied me. When I got home she told me that she did not have a problem with the door. I now have the theory to resolve the issue I thought we had but no problem to resolve all because of a loose piece of trim.

    Peace and every good
     
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,

    For about a month now I have been frustrated by my wife's lack of engagement with my need for financial planning. We have had some conversations about this and I feel that she is being either radical or naïve. Given what she is saying I have come to realise that I have no obligation to consider her in my planning. This has implications in several areas of our lives, in the past I have felt like taking these actions out of spite, but today it is just a decision that I can make so I am making this decision my way.

    Peace and every good
     

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