They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    It is such a relief to have a place that I can come to.

    Things got really heavy on Sunday and we ended up arguing but not making any progress. We were both desperately worried that even if we could put a band aid on it now this was intractable in the long term. We went to bed not speaking, but some of the stuff she told me brought me down from my dais. I listened to some wise people on a couple of podcasts next day and vowed to be better. I have continued to dip into wise peoples heads as well as try to be compassionate on myself concluding that 'I am great as I am'. We made peace Monday and she woke me up in the night Tuesday for sex. It was very animalistic which I have said here is not usually something I value. With my current state of awareness it was beautiful. I am trying to catch myself when I make judgemental statements like that.

    Either I am wrapped in a pink fluffy cloud or a new light has entered into my life. Perhaps it is both. I am normally an optimistic person, perhaps too keen to trust. Many times people around me are losing their heads and I just get on and nothing bad happens. These situations might be good reason to shift gears but I do not. Maybe they are reason not to get comfortable but I ignore that. I am being judgemental again. I have read in NMMNG that I should not get sucked in to my wife's problems. I take issue with the Doc's advice to give her the silent treatment but I do think that I must keep from giving her unsolicited advice. At the meal table this evening I tried to give A the disinterested treatment because he had been cruel to M, similar principle to keeping out of my wife's concerns but my wife and M were not heeding my example. Hopefully they will all get the message if I persist.

    Time to soar.

    Peace and Every Good
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  2. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    It was really great to read about some victories in your journal. I'm happy for you!
     
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Thanks go out to Missing Self Compassion.
    This weekend I have been short and said some unkind things to my wife. The difference is this weekend I have heard them and realised that it is my problem. I want to solve everyone's problems as if I have none of my own to resolve. M got into some sort of a disagreement with his brother, my wife waded in to tell them to sort it out and M lost it. I tried to calm the situation down at first and when some harm had been done I realised that I would only cause more harm so pulled out for him to calm down with no help from anyone. I have mowed the lawn against my will because last weekend I said I would, that hurt. I need to be alert to my tendency to interfere and give advice to people who do not want it, least of all from me, all the while not dealing with my own issues.

    Shall Soar Now

    Peace and Every Good.
     
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi

    I am sure that it comes as no surprise to the wise amongst you that I am in the same place I was a fortnight ago.

    My wife is the root of all my problems and some of yours too. I have too many things to do that get in the way of having the life that I want, my wife can help with that. I am here today just to admit to that. I do not want her to know that is what I think so I am trying to keep those opinions to myself, which I would find easier if she was not so nit picky. With this background it is all the more amazing that when she tried, and failed disastrously because she took short cuts, to make a bolognese sauce from scratch I was able to be grateful and not to put her down. I can not help her but she probably assumes that I was struggling to be kind.

    At work I have been doing something that I have not been practicing for several years. I know that there are better ways to do what I have been set but I have nobody to ask at the moment. I am slightly concerned because if I do produce some good work I might get more on the back of it this is heightened by my not being proficient.

    Peace and Every Good
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Sounds like you're giving her quite a bit of power, GreyHeron. It's easy to blame others for the predicaments we're in. In the middle of our struggles, it's easy to forget that we always have the power of choice. Some more difficult than others:)
     
  6. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    It can be a game of tug of war at times. My wife is worried about my mental health and sometimes pulls punches thinking she is protecting me. No matter how many times I tell her that we must be open and communicate, she still wants to walk on egg shells. I try to focus on the fact that she cares for me and that is her motivation. Of course, I do the same thing. Tonight, she said when I ask her if she wants me to walk the dog when it is past our bed time it feels passive aggressive. I thanked her for being open and told her that I understand how frustrating that can be. Meanwhile in my head, I was thinking that if I ask before it gets too late she gets angry and pouts, "I was going to do it!" Instead of sharing that, I held it back. I recognize I can be passive aggressive. I also know when I am stressed out that I take it out on those around me, but I'm really projecting onto them. I'm really mad at myself. So, I assumed that is where her mind was tonight. Yet, here I am telling the story because I am mad that I didn't share this. It's what I do with this emotion, how I react. It's not about winning the tug of war.
     
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    NCBob yes reluctantly I am coming to realise this and live it. Today when I am in a much better place it is still a struggle.

    MissingSelfCompassion yes I let aggression toward myself express as aggression toward my wife or other people. I can remember clearly an occasion at work when I was supposed to be supporting an organisation who takes the critical aspect of critical friend to new places. One of their staff was talking to some research students and they asked a question which I could not answer and felt that I should have been able to, my shame connected with all the disappointment that I felt towards the organisation and I nearly opened my mouth to give an unprofessional answer.
    There are a number of things around here which I suck up rather than challenge because the scene my wife would make is not worth the hassle but I feel if I was as reliable as her she would call me out.

    I am surprised that I did not make an entry at the weekend. Friday evening I got myself into a very black place, so dark that it started to feel scary. I got myself into a disagreement with my wife and I am certain in other circumstances that she would have agreed with me. M was doing a night hike with the Scouts at short notice. We could not provide him with everything that I thought he needed. She just thought it was too much effort to provide him with what we could and would have preferred to pull him out of the experience. I conceded and let him go as he wanted because if I pressed on it would have been an even bigger loss. As I say though, I feared the consequences had something gone wrong. In this I realised that part of my aggravation was shame that our financial situation is not better and that I may be putting our son through some of the trials I was not comfortable with at his age.

    Here we sit balanced on a precipice, It is a fact that we are experiencing a financial challenge but it is easy to fall into blaming myself for not performing one role or to blame my wife for not performing another role and to say that we could have avoided this. we should be content that we are pursuing what we are and that this is the consequence of that pursuit.

    Regarding the opportunity at work, I have been denied this because of matters outside of my control. I am experiencing shame because I could have acted sooner to allow people to make that decision. I am also hurting because I imagine that this decision was made due to me being content to progress other projects rather than press those I have been working with to supply my specific needs. What I can say is that technically I learnt something from it and that I need to document what I learnt.

    I got myself into a state yesterday. Over the summer I investigated, with my father, an external door that was catching as we closed it. We both catastrophised the matter and went straight for the technical resolution. I worked from the inside of the door whilst he was on the outside. We did not make much difference so I hoped that with Autumn it would ease. Yesterday as I went to lock the door it was even worse. In desperation I took a hammer to the door just so that it locked. When I looked at the door this morning I thought that the problem might be quite simple and made a minor tweak, as as a precaution I told my wife to leave it alone and I did some research on the internet. Whilst I was at work my wife used silly logic and defied me. When I got home she told me that she did not have a problem with the door. I now have the theory to resolve the issue I thought we had but no problem to resolve all because of a loose piece of trim.

    Peace and every good
     
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,

    For about a month now I have been frustrated by my wife's lack of engagement with my need for financial planning. We have had some conversations about this and I feel that she is being either radical or naïve. Given what she is saying I have come to realise that I have no obligation to consider her in my planning. This has implications in several areas of our lives, in the past I have felt like taking these actions out of spite, but today it is just a decision that I can make so I am making this decision my way.

    Peace and every good
     
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    On Wednesday, as I was navigating my way here I took a wrong turn and ended up looking at a couple of short P. videos. I may have got something from imagining that the woman in the first video was going to do me next, otherwise I really can not understand what was going through my head. I have been trying to resist the urge to go back again ever since, and I have not had the opportunity. This is the first chance that I have had to snatch and write here since. I even experienced a headache yesterday which I am blaming on either the videos or on the disappointment that my wife is so emotionally in another district that I cannot predict when we will see each other's souls again. I have been feeling angry about that today and even that makes it feel further out. I do seem to be making a habit of connecting with my sons which I like.

    Peace and every good
     
    NCBob and A New Man like this.
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am snatching opportunities to get lost in P. at the moment. So much so that one day last week I was very non-productive. Today is a new day and last night when I was looking it really did not reward my efforts. That is often a challenge to go back and try harder to find something.
    Today I intend on making regular visits here, I have been missing for some time. Is that a pre-cursor to P and fantasy? I am acutely aware that I could post here then turn straight onto the wrong path.

    Peace and every good
     
    NCBob likes this.
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I have very nearly broken my peace. I have been saved by the bell just now. The doorbell rang which I could not have ignored otherwise I was trying to think of a way to get some meaningful P. I have been white knuckling since Monday trying to avoid P. Because A. has been without his usual cell phone he borrowed an old one of mine which I had been using to access videos. I have taken this as an opportunity to totally move away from routinely using that device.

    At work I have been particularly productive, I wanted to be more productive and I have been distracted at times. I do tend to feel that because the hardware I am using does not encourage rapid working I can afford to waste time doing things that I should not. This week when I have caught myself I have stopped and returned to working.

    In the frame of mind that I have right now I think that a bit of reading is in order.

    Peace and every good
     
    NCBob likes this.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I hope your reading got you back on track, GreyHeron:)
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    I thought that I made a post recently. Whatever I am still not coming here and participating as I have done even in the recent past. I am a few days into the process of rebooting. I believe that I am quitting on a full stomach and even that does not mean that I have stopped thinking that the next time I go on that site I will see the video that I am looking for. Personally nothing will suffice like attention from my wife, I even thought about responding to the directory ads offering me no strings but I thought 'No, strings is precisely what I want' and the best place to find that is right here where I am already.

    So it is back here offering and taking in return support with men who think like I do.

    Soar Well
     
  14. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    It is so very easy to find things about me and about other people to criticise. I still view the world through transactional eyes even though I am convinced that the economy that I want to live by rejects the notion of transaction. Resources will not help all if they are not distributed fairly, if I squander those resources given to me then I should expect consequences. Some how there is an economy that says that it is alright to squander those but how that works I do not know.

    My wife is in a foul mood and I am trying to not engage with her. Apart from when she brought up a subject that I wanted to discuss. We sparred a little on the matter of whether she is happy as a stay at home wife. I did not change her opinion of me and I wonder that what she said means that I am correct to want to discuss this subject for the reason that I wanted to discuss it. Yet I have raised the issue before and she could not imagine feeling as she does today.

    Similarly I have felt frustrated at her being distant and felt that another P. session would help with that, at the same time I also have felt that doing so would be inflicting pain on her as well as on myself and the fact that she was feeling pain was good. I have not been out there except to try and find some salacious images, that is a warning to me that I need to re-double my security before I do have to reboot.

    At work I am doing something that I have not tried for a long time and it feels good.

    Peace and every good.
     
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I have just arrived at work.
    I have realised that I think a colleague crossed a boundary. It is just possible that I am confusing evidence for one thing to conclude another. What is troubling me is the ferocity of my response.

    Equally, some of the trouble with my wife could be easily removed with effort from me. I have taken a stand, about the matter in my last entry, I am not telling my wife what to do it is not for me to resolve whilst I am citeing another issue blaming her for my reaction. Now I have given her two things to put right whilst thinking I am superior. In my opinion I do not think I needed to bring up the other issue because that is reason for us both to hold the other at a greater distance.

    Peace and every good
     
    baywalker likes this.
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    I have received today an invitation to do an online course that I think sounds interesting. At first I was repulsed at the prospect of paying for it and then not attending or at least not getting value from it. Then it occurred to me that if you guys were to benefit from the obvious knowledge and experience that I have to share I could grow too. So I am making another self interested resolution to engage here more. I am looking at making specific times when I am most likely to post and formalising some of my presence on this forum.

    I am preparing for another bi-annual trip to hospital with M tomorrow. The weekend has been pleasant I am grateful that it has not been foul I am also aware that it has not been super stimulating. I have decreased the amount of clutter beside my side of the bed. There is still a file of 'personal growth' resources that I wish to use but probably will never use, I hope to scan some of the more useful stuff.

    I have found a pile of short walks taken from the local newspaper, that could be something which I do with the family.

    Peace and every good
     
    NCBob likes this.
  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    What's the online course about, GreyHeron?
     
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Bob, Thank you for the interest. Re-reading the post I have realised that I have confused you. The course is a Centre for Action and Contemplation study on the life of St Francis. What I meant to say, these missing bits are often drafted in the head and stay there, was that I could concentrate my efforts on being available here for a similar amount of time to the course. By doing this I might do both the group and myself more good than learning something new and not having any where to live it.

    Yesterday went off without any problems, we get the results in a week and I have no reason to believe that will be unpleasant.

    Peace and every good
     
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I got into work this morning, after some messing around I took myself in hand and determined to get on with some work. I have a task to do which I am the only person with resources to accomplish but I am not confident in doing, like another part of the job senior management do not give a care if I am doing it properly so long as I avoid the consequences of not doing it properly. When I settled to it I just blanked on how to get started. I noticed the urge to dive into the web and knew that it would not have ended before viewing P. So I resolved to do something about the task at hand and that is what I did for an hour and a half before posting this.

    Looking out of my porthole the sky is sort of blue, there is brilliant sunshine and I can even see some eager buds producing new leaves whilst there are dying leaves elsewhere on the tree.

    Peace and every good
     
  20. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I agree about trying not to get sucked into your wife's problems. Sure, you should be there for her as her partner and support her but maybe you need to accept the fact that you can't change certain things about her. There are some things about my wife that I hate. For instance she smokes and she constantly seems to be popping prescription pills. She cares about her appearance and she looks good but she ignores some fundamental self care things like going to the dentist (she won't go until she suddenly has an urgent issue with her teeth). But I've got to the point where I'm no longer going to try and 'fix' these things in her life. I'm trying to accept her as she is and instead, to focus on fixing my own issues (of which there are plenty).

    As for the household chores, do you generally have assigned duties between you, i.e you do the vacuum, the garden, she does the bathrooms etc? Also, does she have a job? In our household I'm currently unemployed so I'm doing 90% of the housework.
     

Share This Page