They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi @GreyHeron - Saville is right. I obviously don't know you that well but I'm guessing that a lot of the guys (myself included) on this forum are natural introverts. Given this, alone time is absolutely essential for our health. It's not selfish - it's necessary.
     
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    The thing that is stopping me is the little voice in me that says I will have to justify this to my wife, her mother and possibly my parents. All the while thinking this is my inner landscape if I want to do this I shall and I don't want to be interrogated by you. The person it matters most to is my wife, but I still should not let her stop me. I could even copy the long paragraph from Caoimhin's post yesterday to explain what I am thinking. There are smaller opportunities available showing willing is better than not trying.

    I had a break through yesterday, my commuter bike has been sat in the garage for the winter because it has needed servicing for a year now. I got myself into quite a state and it felt like a relief to get it booked in for the weekend. I am still worrying about the fall out from the family.

    Soar Well
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So, you're waiting for permission to live your life? I've been there, my friend. With my track record of cheating my wife didn't think it was at all a good idea for me to go camping "alone." She was certain I was going off to have a liaison with someone and why wouldn't she? So, I had to make a decision. Wait for permission to live my own life, knowing I was being honest, or capitulate to the fears of my wife. Going away for a couple of days really helps me recenter who I am and what's important to me. In fact, the reason I cheated was because I didn't feel I was able to stand up to my wife or be honest about what I felt.

    We don't have to be perfect. We are allowed to learn on the job, so to speak.

    Keep moving forward, GH.
     
  4. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Well done - it's amazing how what can seem like a little thing can build up until it's a major cause of stress. Good on you for dealing with it.

    When it comes to alone-time, you can always start small - it doesn't have to be a whole weekend in the wilderness (although that does sound amazing!). I recently took a Friday off work mostly so I could go for a run I'd always wanted to try. I thought my wife would be sceptical at best - instead she was really supportive and actually encouraged me. Your wife might surprise you - it's worth giving her a chance.

    Good luck - I'll be thinking of you and hope, whatever you do, that you get a chance to chill out and just treat yourself.
     
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All, Well the bike needed to have the rear wheel rebuilt and I got it back today. My wife did not like the size of the bill, I was expecting it and I drew breath when he told me what it was. I am hoping to rehabilitate the other bike myself from my personal pocket I expect that this will bolster my self-esteem. I believe that during that conversation with my wife I stated my points clearly brokering no argument and avoiding making her feel small.

    My wife has given me a couple of opportunities to laugh at her today, it is not kind to take advantage of them so I did not do so. I would love to avail you of how lame my wife is. Are these things yet another mark of how low her self-esteem is? Would the fact that I want to laugh at her predicament indicate my low-self esteem? There is a guilt that I have allowed her to remain small like this, at the same time I think it is in part a reflection of how she has been brought up. That guilt is carried over to how I feel about out eldest and how I should have spoken up for him when my wife limited his life.

    My wife has also been on at me to mow the lawn, when I am not sure that it is so urgent as to do it today. I said that I would read after lunch she persuaded me to do something else for her, transactional deal maybe, then I said I was going to read. This second time I believe that I stood my ground politely and I did read stopping just after I said that I would for the sake of finishing the chapter. I have not over scheduled myself which has felt slightly weird but I have got done the essentials and some small tasks that keep being put off.

    Now, I have posted here too. I have found time to read some threads here in the week but I have not commented even though I wanted to because I am trying to be productive whilst giving myself enough permission to read in the times I am doing so. Writing this may have shown the way to read and respond.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I don't understand. Why do you feel writing here is something you need to have permission from the mrs. or from yourself to do? Or did I read that incorrectly?
     
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Bobo, You are probably more right than I care to acknowledge. When I wrote it I thought that I was having to justify being here to myself.
    Many times when I read I have little time to respond, I am trying to get into the habit of spending a short time here as a reward for concentrating at work. Knowing that typing a rambling response, it may sometimes come across as a confusing incoherent muddle, seems to take an age I put it off. Then the opportunity never comes for one reason or another which is more about granting myself permission to do something. Elsewhere on this board the discussion has been around not guilting ourselves about our failings because we are acting on our priorities. I have been trying to get better at reading then posting more frequently in an effort to nurture a sense of priority. At the same time part of my reluctance to do anything is that I have not cleared it with my wife. Then I come here and unload about how unreasonable she is because I am frustrated at my lack of self awareness.
    Time to move on because I have something else that needs to be done.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I am still about. Just have plenty that I would like to record when I really should be doing other things and so put it off until now when I do not have a clue what to say.
     
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    To open with I spent a few hours at the local Scout headquarters where they were having a working party. Now, that is something that I feel I could do so much more of. I was surprised when my wife even suggested that I could sign up to be invited, she knew that I would want to. We agreed how long I would be there, probably as long as I would have wanted anyway, and I took both sons they are involved on a weekly basis the younger one probably lost interest quickly. That is very much how I operate, supporting those groups that interest me, the school governor business is probably not playing to my strengths which is why I have made my mind up to stop this summer.
    Moving on I have been making a habit of listening to the Liturgists podcast and the most recent one challenged me to think about how I define God. Ultimately I do not think it is going to hurt me but some contributors who I respect used terms I was not anticipating them to use. I fully intend on making the time to sit and listen carefully again.

    I am so full of defining the problem that I only really want to come here and write about how I have struggled with fantasy and issues with the wife. I am conscious that for my own good I could shift the focus to doing things differently. That is not something I naturally want to do. Blaming someone else is comfortable and reassuring being optimistic and having confidence in myself is still very traumatic.
     
  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member


    This seems to be a issue for many of us, so dont feel alone. Over time with constant repetition it gets better. Those that have a very judgemental partner this can be very stressful, trust me I once had one of those. Doing those things one enjoys slowly helps to give one a positive outlook. Interesting scenario you project here.
     
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,
    Today is a stressful day. I am at odds with my wife.

    To illustrate how this can be so non-linear. We had a very nice conversation on Sunday and since then she has escalated a disagreement with my sister against my will. I put the basic issue down to the fact that I tolerate some things with my sister because I do not have to live with them but the same traits in my wife are not left unchallenged. That would be bad enough but in my head, well I hope only my head, I have intensified other issues between us and I have even gone so far as to imagine that this is her knocking me down so that she can kick me in the teeth.

    I do not know if this were sub-conscious but I am also looking to understand how to express myself assertively, this has inspired me to resume actively reading NMMNG. I do dodge the tough issues at work and at home and when I eventually grasp the nettle pain causes me to lash-out all over the garden. Perhaps too some people here that write what I feel are controversial statements could be challenged with this new assertive voice when I get it.

    Soar Well
     
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,

    Much later in the day it occurred that I was over extending my fears. I was vaguely aware of this as I wrote my first instalment. I have come home and made my peace with my wife, telling her that we need to discuss the issues that brought it about.

    At the end of the day I took her attitude as a rejection of me rather than as a disagreement about our values.

    Soar Well.

    Grey Heron
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,

    Last week my ISP classified this forum as P and has taken an issue with the security here. Consequently I am accessing only at work.
    In the process, so far, of trying to rectify the problem I have become rather too familiar with the procedure to evade the filter at home. Which again means I keep thinking 'Have I got time now for a quick peek?' fortunately I am more than the challenge today.

    In other news I let Mrs Heron persuade me to sit in front of the TV yesterday. I sewed up the seam in a bag. It was a cheap bag probably could buy a much nicer bag for the one hour of earnings potential which is how much time I was sat there. I am pleased with how it has turned out, I expect that seam will survive the rest of the bag.

    Soar well

    Grey Heron
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  14. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    What is ISP?
     
  15. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Internet service provider. I'm guessing you never got into BDSM, CNFM etc @Bobo
     
  16. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Uh what's dat?:confused:
     
  17. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Don't google it! Porn categories, BDSM (bondage) and Clothed Female Naked Male (i couldn't even get it right). Sorry Heron for hijacking your journal.
     
  18. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Damm! Thank you! Feel like an alien. Whew this planet's language! Sorry for the hijack also.
     
  19. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    This whole conversation made my day, haha :D
     
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Still struggling to get on here, trying to be productive at work does not afford me much time to contribute when I have a connection. So desperate that I am using mobile data. Issue is that I have forgotten what I wanted to write.

    Soar Well
     

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