They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    GH I Dont know about this. Experiencing failure diminishes you if you don't see it as a learning methodology. As for more compassionate ? Maybe not but it does make you more open if you let it. Failure is really success just from a different perspective.
     
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have an upbeat message today. I had sex at the weekend and it was the sort that really does me good. I have also got some fellowship with Christian men. I have had some time with my youngest son. I have also spent some time with my wife gardening. Already today I have made the phone call to a potential new employer and the job description that I was worrying about was not as onerous as I have been interpreting it to be. Now I have to direct my energy to filling in the application form. Then on to brushing up on some other skills which should be useful at interview.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
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  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Love that you've made a decision. We shit our get off the pot! Right on, GH!
     
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Here I am again. Different mood today. I told my wife about the job and she told me that it was a bad idea. I am poorly qualified for the role and she thinks that were I offered it then our family life would suffer. I was deflated by her lack of support. Who needs low self esteem with a wife like that? Well I have downloaded the application form.
    The obstacle that I do not seem to be able to scale at the moment is the request for three referees. My current employer does not officially give these out. Then I am supposed to approach a previous employer, I have been in post for a long time so this might have to be a manager from our client on an assignment that I did when my son was on treatment. The character reference is a real stumbling block as I am not very well socialised. I am frustrated with myself for listening to my wife making it difficult for me to get out and about, then when I am out I am not making the most of the opportunities to express myself.

    Then added to her scorn for me trying to better myself my wife picks an argument with me over her perception that I am not interested in her and the boys. Which given one interpretation can be considered true. I have not engaged with her for very long because I realised that her frustration is just a different way of expressing a similar feeling within me. I have told her that I will discuss the solutions but not the problem. We have wasted hours in the past trying to define the problem rather than accepting that we are coming from similar places headed for the same destination then trying to define what that might look like.

    In my resentment of her today I have sensed a connection with that resentment and the likelihood of seeking P. To that point I made an innocent internet search, not even was I sick enough to think that would work when I was active :p, and it produced some links that I should not and did not follow. :D

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron.
     
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am in a deep dull depression today. I have felt like sleeping solid for several days. Earlier in the week the car would not start, battery, Mrs Heron was disappointed. Then last night I slammed the car into the garage door. The battery was unavoidable, did not need the drama that came with it, the garage door was because I am not convinced the battery is the end of the car issues.
    I want a picture girl to walk through my door and shag my brains out. So far I have done no more than linger on some inappropriate images, short circuiting the need to imagine a woman up. I achieved a great pleasure from visiting a quiet wood in an abandoned chalk pit near to work.

    I am trying to convince myself that I am good enough as I am. That the shame I am feeling is a lie. The most alluring idea is still to sleep.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  6. Climber

    Climber Member

    A lot is grabbing at your thoughts: the garage door, the job, the references you need, your wife's response -- which much be deflating. Feeling tired sucks too if you sense that it's from depression or sadness (rather than exertion that you are proud of).

    When I feel down and my mind can't help but go over its list of Things That Are Wrong, I try to think of anything small thing I am grateful for or I like. Nothing is too small to make me feel a little better. I am often upset or sad because I am not soaring, when I really need to think about the smallest things I am grateful for while living above the grass.
     
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  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Sat here wondering what to write! Doh! I have been looking at P vids this afternoon. Obviously I am hoping that this is a minor bump in the road, but it does feel like it will be difficult.

    Before this stumble, I was wondering about pursuing an investigation into strategies for managing ADHD. Has anybody here looked into this? There is much written about the connection between ADHD and addiction, some have even gone to town on P addiction. Many of the things I write about in my journal could be arguments to justify my interest in the subject. First thing to do though is to cement some of the habits that I am still struggling to maintain, including being a more engaged member of the community here.

    Work over the past week has felt natural and productive, it helps my mood greatly. I am filling in a grid as I tick off the small tasks towards the bigger goal.

    Soar Well
     
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi well I was up late yesterday trying to find that amazing video. I left the filter on the router which meant I was disappointed. The tablet is not feeling swift so it allows me thinking time when I have thought about trying again today.
    I have a hard deadline looming at work, and it feels like it could easily be missed. I am not concerned so long as I keep away from P and procrastination.
     
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am still clean, not great but it is not touch and go at the moment. I could nearly convince myself that it was an aberration apart from the thoughts I am having to repeat the exercise. yes, I should be on my guard for another bout of tempting thoughts.

    Mrs Heron is in a strange place at the moment. She was helping me to achieve my goals this evening by cracking the whip when I got distracted. I did not appreciate her methods and much less did I like seeing her on her phone when she could have been helping to get me turned around. My attitude is wrapped up in my internal opinion of myself, probably more than what she is doing and I think that it always has been.

    My boss has challenged me to make contact with someone, in another office he has only met briefly, about deploying two applications on work he is bidding for our office to do. I am desperate to get this sort of contact, if she does what I am thinking, but I have had many false dawns like this. I am also not sure about the scope of the works he is hoping will come into the office, nor am I sure that he can be much more specific. I am also worried that it will come to nothing and somehow it will be down to me.

    Soar well

    Grey Heron
     
  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Worry not GH---- it will be whatever it's going to be. I know you have thought of this but what action can you take that will make it what you want ? Do you know what it is you want? You are making great strides in your recovery!
     
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you Bobo you are correct, I need to do what I have been asked, learn from whatever happens and walk towards the next learning experience. That is such a counter intuitive move from the one that I have traditionally made. I have such a very low self-esteem everything is my fault truly everything and that nothing I touch will go right. I am wondering what the difference is between me and someone who tries to commit suicide. Suicide is not something I have ever seriously considered, sometimes I find my mind drifting that way and but decide that it can wait for another day.

    I have tackled a job about the house that I keep meaning to do but put off. It has taken rather longer than I had hoped and it is not complete yet. I thought that I had everything I needed today but the method I tried did not work with the tools I have. Perhaps if the job was not left to get so big it would be easier in the future. I am pleased to have attempted it, tomorrow is going to be a family day so I cannot do anything about it then.

    Soar well

    Grey Heron
     
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you Bobo you are correct, I need to do what I have been asked, learn from whatever happens and walk towards the next learning experience. That is such a counter intuitive move from the one that I have traditionally made. I have such a very low self-esteem everything is my fault truly everything and that nothing I touch will go right. I am wondering what the difference is between me and someone who tries to commit suicide. Suicide is not something I have ever seriously considered, sometimes I find my mind drifting that way and but decide that it can wait for another day.

    I have tackled a job about the house that I keep meaning to do but put off. It has taken rather longer than I had hoped and it is not complete yet. I thought that I had everything I needed today but the method I tried did not work with the tools I have. Perhaps if the job was not left to get so big it would be easier in the future. I am pleased to have attempted it, tomorrow is going to be a family day so I cannot do anything about it then.

    Soar well

    Grey Heron
     
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I feel you. I find myself often in the same Position.
     
  14. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I had a difficult conversation with Mrs Heron yesterday. At the end of this I realised that it was because of my past behaviour. Behaviour that I have copied from my father. When I was first realising that was the case I saw myself as a dangerous person, not someone she should be married to. I am reflecting on it again this morning and touching an emotional spot that I do not want to touch in the future.

    Today I feel like I am about to enter a new period of growth, this and my meditation on the Bible are inspiring me to move forward.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wonderful! :)
     
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am pleased to say that Mrs Heron had a conversation with me about our finances yesterday. We still had an argument about something that has happened and the next part of the story is to rehabilitate. Which leads me to say that because we were not talking in a civil manner two years ago I made an autonomous decision about something. This was a step too far for her and it was discussing this that freed up the conversation on Friday last week. Last night's conversation concluded when she tried to guilt me for that mistake, I picked her up for this and told her that I was done with apologising.

    Over the past few days I have been very sexually driven, I have been trying to throw myself all the more into progressive growth.

    Soar Well
     
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  17. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You stood up for self! How nice and it makes you sexually driven!Yup I have been on this page! Congrats bro!
     
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am conscious that I have been a stranger around here. I have been out there and now I am counting the days until I become clean again. I wonder if such rituals in ancient times were to allow time for meditation and new growth. I have often longed for a period of seclusion for drawing close to God in the unbearable times.
    I had a day off work, because I was not fit, which coincided with an emotional low for my wife. We talked.

    Soar Well
     
  19. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    In the olden days you left your home be it a village or camp and reduced food and asked the " Great Spirit " for guidance and or strength or both. You fasted and prayed for a few days or a week. Reason for fasting is 70% of body's energy is taken up in digestion. No digestion leads to more mental clarity that 70% is used to repair and think. Today well you can do the same thing you just have to believe. The answers will come but like I said you have to believe. You can do it GH! Follow the old ways!
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2019
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What's stopping you? I got camping by myself every year. I take a bit of scotch (or, I used to), some podcasts, a couple of books, and go somewhere I can do a bit of light hiking. I can spend hours just staring off into space. Alone time is critical.
     
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