They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,
    I tried to post something since Christmas and that has not worked.
    At the moment I am going to bed promptly or early and sleeping through only to be tired by the following evening. Our eldest has had his routine altered this week and that has been welcome.

    This week I have noticed that I read posts here and I am put off by some of that stuff and want to respond to other stuff in the same post, then when I post in my journal it appears to me OK to write similar things to that which I would not want to read.

    Over the holiday I was busy doing things at home with the family. When I say busy, I was doing things for my wife that the boys would appreciate. It did not feel right at the end of the day but nor was it wrong. It brought me pleasure to stand my ground when Mrs Heron wanted a family trip into the shops when it only really needed one adult, and one child at a push. This resulted in me staying home with the youngest son to do stuff with him. Doing stuff with the boys seems to be in 'my contract' but not in hers but it comes in useful if she is trying to punish me. Over the break I snatched some time to do essential maintenance on the bike. I was also floored by the change in routine, which was cured when I got back to work. It concerns me that I have physical symptoms from taking time away from the office.

    At work this week I have been more productive than usual. This is a qualified statement because I feel that I could have done more whilst also being pleased at how persistent I have been.
    How much of this is unreasonable and how much is accurate? I have a physical productivity tracker which I feel should be used to highlight the truth.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What would those posts be? One of the reasons I stopped posting for awhile was I got weary of saying the same thing to people who seemingly had no intention of getting healthy. The type of posts I really don't like are the ones that make excuses for succumbing. Complaining is fine, because we have to vent somewhere, I think. For me it's important that I don't edit my thoughts. I just let it fly, because that's the only way I know to make myself feel better. We should never be afraid to write beyond the boundaries of how we might comport ourselves in company.

    That sounds awesome! :)
     
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks Saville,
    It was awesome to stay home and enjoy some time with him doing something that bonds us. Which would not have happened if we had gone with his mother and brother.

    If I write about every twist and turn about today it would be a long and boring post. At the same time many of the issues it would raise need to be faced at now or later.

    Mrs Heron did something this morning which made me angry really angry but I have given up trying to point out to her why it offends me. I went along with something later because I could not say that I was strongly against it. Only afterwards did I realise what I could have done to articulate my objections. Then an hour ago she throws me a curve ball and opens up in a way that she has not done for a very long time. At first I was offended because she had not shared the feelings that precipitated the decision that I did not agree with, then it morphed into hurt because she was letting me see something that I was not prepared to give time to look at. Finally she let me have it and I just had to respond to her with patience and affection. The above account describes a complete turn around in her attitude over twelve hours, and I do not know that I have had much influence except to let her stew in her pity and cuddle her when she softened up.

    Soar Well.

    Grey Heron.
     
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you're figuring it out, GH. Great work!
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It's been slowly dawning on me that infinite love is born of infinite patience, Saville:)

    It continues to be a work in progress:)
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You've got that right, my friend. Impatience and expectations are wrapped up with one another.
     
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I just re-read what I wrote on the 16th, in case I was repeating myself, I do not understand why I have not posted here since.
    Several times over the past few months I have felt a strong urge to explore committing myself to a greater expression of my Christian faith. I have been lead to some fantastic writers and podcasts and obviously there is nothing better than getting down to first principles and asking how what they say or which I think that sounds good bears the scrutiny of scripture.
    This seems to be putting oxygen in my veins, tonight I have some stuff do for something else I am involved with but that never has brought me this much passion. An orderly withdrawal from this second activity is being devised.

    I am still tempted to spread myself too thinly, at work I found something for my leisure time that I had thought about in November and done nothing more with and I thought that was a good idea to explore some more this week, I feel that is a bad idea. There are other examples which I make efforts at which do not go far. I do believe that I have some de-cluttering to do and this includes things as well as ideas.
    I downloaded a habit tracker to my tablet then could not work out what I was going to do with it. I have realised that I want to measure my success rate at coming to YBR and in posting my opinion to your threads.

    Soar Well.

    Grey Heron.
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is fantastic!
     
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    The oxygen is stale in my arteries. I am taking Saville literally and moving slowly. Only I do not think Saville means like this. Earlier in the week I read something on a parents forum, a woman was trying to decide whether she should leave her husband. He might have a grip on reality like some of us know. I was enraged at her plight. Today, I have just operated on standby whilst I have not been poorly disciplined on the internet I have not been productive at work and this evening I have felt that something is causing me pain but the pain has not materialised.
    Sorry to cut this short.

    Soar Well
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Oh, you seemed so positive last time.

    Yes, I do mean literally. Instead of projecting into the future we mark each step as it occurs. Why were you enraged at the woman's plight? Do you mean he "might NOT" have a grip on reality? Do you think that because her husband might be into P that this enraged you? Those are strong feelings, my friend.
     
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks Saville,

    Yes, I seem to be so up and down at the moment. I am in another different sort of down today. I must keep looking to love myself in a wholesome way.

    I interpret marking each step as revelling in the moment. Like noticing the surface we walk on and the aromas that surround us. On Friday I was experienceing a lack of energy, I had to conquer one thing then the next. Only I was not marking these as acheivements they were just something that had to be done. I have noticed that at work if I divert from the fall back plan, I have several projects that are on permanent tick over, onto a priority task I grumble at the distraction caused yet when I have no priority tasks I would complain that I am taken for granted.

    I did have strong feelings which stayed with me even when I wanted to get away from them. I did mean that on the face of it his behaviour, as described by his wife, was incredibly selfish and in my mind could only be described as like the thinking of an addict with a strong compulsion.
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So, would you say this indicates some level of self-loathing? This is a problem that addicts face. We feel strongly about how awful something is (enraged) but who are we really enraged with? In other words, some anonymous person on the internet becomes a proxy for ourselves, someone we can be incensed at. I know when I feel this it is a form of deflection. I mean, why should I feel super angry about someone else's addiction.

    In my office are a few really lazy people. They are so lazy they make me want to smash them in the face, sometimes. Why? I'm guessing it's because they remind me a whole lot of me. If I believe that I'm an underachiever, which I do, then other people underachieving will really piss me off.

    Just throwing that out there to see if it resonates.
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    That does seem to ring the bell. I think that I want to give the interested party some strong advice, advice that could be for me to hear and that I wish I, or Mrs H, had heard at least a decade ago.
    Which reminds me that when I sought help through therapy I often used to role play telling my Great Grandfather to stand up to my Great Grandmother. I knew her, she was a dominant woman he died when I was a young child so I have a much more child like romantic recollection of him. Yes, I am supposed to be reading and responding to NMMNG because by implication the advice I had to give to my Great Grandfather also applies to me.
    I am in a much better frame of mind this weekend which I put down to Mrs H being much more content with her lot. I struggle with sex if she is not in the mood because that is reducing her to a rubbing post so I am not expecting that this weekend.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is great. However, our mind-set needs to be good even when our wives are being difficult. They can own their own shit and we can own ours.

    That's great that you and the wife will have some intimacy. Don't discount sex when she's being pissy, though. If I waited for my wife to be in the right mood we would never have sex. My priority is to get my horn on. The by-product, if you will, of having sex is that most often both parties enjoy it. In fact, sex is a great way to make us feel better. :)
     
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have realised tonight that I am feeling emotionally dependent on my boys and their guinea pigs. I am not interested in trying to extract any care from my wife, and if she challenges me I would make it all her fault. I am sure that there is more to this than I have written.

    Soar Well
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've followed your journal for awhile now, GH, and honestly, sometimes you are a bit vague regarding your emotions and what's actually happening in your life. Not meaning to be critical of a fellow traveler, but I think you hold back. It feels like you are guarded. Just a thought...feel free to flip me the bird if I'm off base.
     
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  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Saville, Thanks for your comments. I have not taken offence, may be in part because I do not understand.
    I am feeling that I come on here too often and tell you all how low grade my life is and give you the run down on why I am depressed. I think that I have detailed the problem often enough but do you really know that I am doing anything to get better and whether anything I am trying is working. I do get that I probably write along the lines of 'someone' has done 'something' and I am 'not happy' so I shall take this specific action or that I am looking for enlightenment because I cannot see where I am wrong.
    On Monday I did take myself in hand and I read a chapter in Richard Rohr's book Breathing Underwater. I concluded that I felt a failure most of the time. To disguise this I have to control whatever I can to get a feeling of superiority. I have an image of myself being powered down and submissive but I am also a Stallion which all the fillies want to be covered by. Finally I find change hard because I fear absolutely fear failure. It might be an idea to explore this before I go too much further.
    I am contemplating a big change career wise. I have seen a job advertised which I have a basic skillset to perform, as I read the job specification I believe that it demands a better competency. Failure is a strong possibility. Being stuck where I am is not an option either we are talking in real terms about the end of a long contract which I have been riding since it was officially signed.
    Work to replace it is likely to require a move to another office to continue what I am currently doing on a good day, which I have had a skinful of already.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  18. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member




    We are all here for each other. No one is judging you--- write on GH we are listening and reading with interest.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, that it's, sometimes what you say is a little non-specific. It could be because I am dense, so there's that.

    Richard Rohr is wonderful!

    This sounds really positive. All of us here feel like failures of some kind or another. But, we aren't. We are perfect just as we are. :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    Still I am dithering about making the career move. At men's fellowship this morning I shared with a few guys some of what was on my mind, the whole gist of what we spoke about was around facing off failure. Apparently having experienced failure is supposed to make you more compassionate. I should be a total softy, but to see me at work you could describe me as hard and judgemental. I grasped the nettle yesterday and raised an issue with someone, I usually speak to their reports, they were obviously disappointed to hear me raise this issue. I came away from the conversation disheartened about even trying anymore. I thought of all the times I have been cross with myself for being selfish. In the past despite feeling that our project requires a certain lack of ambition I had let them down. After this morning I have resolved to keep on pressing on whilst I am at the project but also look out for opportunities to move out and up.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     

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