They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Back again just to make am entry and acknowledge that I have been here. I am feeling brighter than on Wednesday, I presume that I feel closer to Mrs Heron. I wish that I could feel this way independent of my attitude to her.

    Mrs Heron has made the same mistake several times over the past few weeks and it is important that she does not. I noticed that she has made this error again this evening. What I am struggling with is she got the gravity of it when I mentioned that I was putting it right and she tried to make out I was out of order to mention it. If the boot was on the other foot I feel that she would have really laid into me and emphasised the importance of not making the mistake. I feel that for her once is two occurrences too many. She probably snapped at me because she is hard on herself. Maybe I am hard on myself and I feel that I have let her down when I do make mistakes. I also probably get angry with her for pointing them out, just like she has been irritated with me today. I wish that we were more together on this imperfect thing rather than so defensive.

    Soar Well
     
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    I am still alive, not been active and now I am feeling something that I do not want. I could regale you with how I am. Suffice to say I need to follow common sense advice. My challenge today is to see what happens when I give myself to this community more frequently.
     
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I did not believe that I needed to double down on my efforts to maintain a reboot and so I am now struggling to overcome a setback.

    I seduced my wife and have been weak against the challenge of the chaser effect since. It was not the sort of sex that I believe is most virtuous.
    All the same I am not aware that I feel guilty for that.

    Another warning sign was that I read someone else's thread, experienced a vague identification with their post but also felt so detached that I was unable to comment.

    Soar Well
     
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am still wobbly, this new start is very fragile. As a sign of the direction that I want to go I have placed my personal vision statement in my signature. It may sound like a broad nothing statement to some of you but it is personal to me and does have power. I am hoping that the values and priorities that come out of it will drive change in me and that reading the statement every time I see a post that I have written will remind me to keep moving forward. If in time it does not bring about the change I am expecting then hopefully I shall know how the focus needs to be adjusted.

    Has anyone any experience of keeping a detailed personal timesheet to compare procrastination versus productivity. I have tried in the past and succeeded when at work and partially when at home. The format that I have used allows me to measure ten minute intervals but for neatness sake could be reduced to half an hour. I do like the ten minute format because I feel that in theory I could benefit from what I learn by that level of granularity. The idea of having to record every ten minutes sounds as if it could get boring.

    Soar Well
     
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It must be seven or eight days clean now I am not sure. I have had thoughts that it would be alright again I have even considered viewing videos which could form a gateway to my next slip. I know that I have to stay away from that stuff which is not easy to put into practice.
    Over the weekend we went away as a family, gift from a charity because our son has been ill. I was looking forward to it because I saw it as an opportunity to do some father-son manly stuff. Partly due to the way the weekend was organised by the charity partly due to choices by others in the family it did not pan out as I thought. This did cause some intense emotional feelings, the only way my wife knows about those is because I told her. I consider that good because I could have been snappy and irritable instead. I realised that the weekend was going as it was meant to go and that the only person trying to spoil the weekend was me. I realise that there is still much to process around our little boy being ill.

    I have had some time off work this week also, I have tried to balance being available and getting some bigger things done. I even served both masters by engaging big son in trimming some shrubs whilst his mother pulled some weeds and later big son helped me to decorate the inside of the cupboard under the stairs. For balance little son and myself have cleaned the car, it really does look transformed after a wash.

    Soar Well
     
  6. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Been on here and read a few posts. I hope that what comes next shall be coloured by what I have just read. I am still amazed at the way the car looks. Took some rubbish to the waste disposal centre, that place is so depressing. There were people throwing away good stuff, I just had garden waste. I resisted the urge to call them out and bring any stuff home. On a more positive note the cupboard transformation has progressed, despite the fact that my planning has proved inadequate I am pleased with the way it looks. I am also deriving some pleasure from the fact that I have focussed on this and made progress. I have been tempted to change and do something else but instead I have promised myself that I shall find the time for the other things when this is done.

    I am tempted to wander and to seek out P-subs because right now I am trying to relax before bed and that equals more blurred lines. Had sex the other night I am trying to process that. It really was not what I expected. Numerous times now I have expressed a romantic desire for my wife and once we get to the PIV stage I struggle in my head. I am sure that many of you here wish you had my problems and I do not envy you yours. She does not get what I am telling her and seems determined to believe that I want a P film script life.

    Soar Well.
     
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Sometime last week I posted to a thread, there was a maturity in my style my internal narrative also cautioned the need to redouble my guard. If that was a high place on my journey today I am aware of the slightest of triggers and a desire to search the web for P.
    Work continues to be the mixed bag of progress followed by faltering. At home I still feel that my time is too brief. I thought that this post was going to be more interesting than this and longer.

    Soar Well.
     
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have had two evenings where I have searched for P., if I am honest I found P. but in my mind dismiss it because it was not the thrill that I set out to find. Some of the softer images promised what I wanted. There has been a programme on BBC Radio 4 this week, Monday or Tuesday? Dealing with the question of 'Does Sex Addiction exist?' Someone made the point that it is the pursuit which brings us most pleasure and that for me is most certainly true. I liked the Soft images yesterday, and I have gone to pieces for softer; I am disappointed with sex when I O. and I can get a fantastic HIT from the strangest of places.

    Despite being on the verge of P. I was also aware that I can be saintly wise one day and act out the next. Humility is the way to success, surrender the ego and let the bird in the hand bring you pleasure. I spent money with a counsellor who was prepared to tell me that was not a right way to look at things.

    Soar Well.
     
  9. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Did they say "Humility is the way to success, surrender the ego and let the bird in the hand bring you pleasure" was not the right way?! I agree 100%, ego is often at the root of our acting out. It's what sets us up for the fall.
     
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi to you all, I have been away pandering to my base desires and struggling under what I suspect is a consequence of those desires,
    To answer A New Man, which might help me process the experience, I think whilst in counselling we spent much of my time identifying the effects of Nice Guy Syndrome in my life. I recall clearly a discussion around ego which seemed to say ego was something to be treasured. I felt resistant at the time because I wanted to place a caveat on ego run riot but we were talking about me finding a voice for myself at other times. We had suspended hostilities around whether Sexual Compulsion existed, so surely we could seek my voice without insisting that we agree about ego. That person was not right for me and I woke up to reality when it got too difficult to attend sessions because of work.

    soar well

    grey heron
     
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,
    As I alluded to earlier I have been on a P. binge, this has hopefully run it's course. Today is my first day clean. I have experienced utter tiredness which I think is a consequence of simply viewing P. and one of those sessions was simply intended to wake me up and energise me. Documenting it for you feels triggering so I shall watch myself very closely until bed.
    When the impulse to view P. falls on me I can do that but when I think that I should make a pre-emptive strike to avoid a fall I have priorities that need attending to. I have the home network secured, but even mild images can give me the kick I feel that I need. It is at work that I am weak, I have a personal device that I can connect to the network, it is a dumb network the security for which is on the devices issued by my employer. I have used the personal device today for posting here and to listen to The Liturgists Podcast, if the lapse had been worse I would have left the device at home. Sometimes I use the device to listen to music and calm my agitated mind.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It is great to see that after a few days my journey has fallen to the bottom of the page.
    Today's opening should be an account of a small victory. My wife and myself are anxious, she more than I am, our youngest has a routine appointment at hospital. The anxiety is that the appointment might throw up a diagnosis that we are not expecting. Last night we put him to bed in a tag team effort. This morning she challenged me because she left his very expensive medication in the bedroom to expire. This according to her was all my fault. In the past I would have been defensive like our eldest son would now. To be honest I was slightly agitated because I felt that I went to bed later through her laziness. Instead of blowing up at her I allowed the fact that I thought she was to blame rest on her and left it for her to deal as she wished. The victory was to calmly defend myself and still not make her feel any more guilty than she already felt.

    I feel that I am on the brink of making a major decision in my life. At the moment I cannot imagine how I am able to decide to do as I expect I should.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,
    Just a very quick post. My head is awash with thought. The decision is one that requires a big rebellion against the 'Nice Guy' tendency. At the same time I am dealing with the fact that two separate speakers have used scripture to tell me to stop being so judgmental. I had some sort of vague idea that it would be good to come here now. It is also a bad idea, I have been to retail site for beachwear looking for images and my head is telling me that it is OK to go back. I know what will happen if I do. Despite wanting to be tolerant of Mrs Heron I have been antagonistic towards her. Eldest son is just so irritating, but many his age are and Mrs Heron seems to enjoy making him worse.
    The decision is movement in a desired direction and this is bound to make me anxious and that in turn is something that must be medicated.
    I have been here before this year but I really am disturbed by my frenetic life. I want both to simplify it and at the same time I want to expand the things that I do. Back to the vision and values to see how these things support those.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  14. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Opened up the browser to search for P. and chose to alight on my start page.
    Cycling in this morning I thought of one way to make my visits here more purposeful. Shall report back later if it works.

    My productivity at work is poor at the moment. Easily distracted by thoughts to search the internet. Which at the moment seem to lead to fantasy. Fantasy that is my problem. I can starve myself off P. but never give the dopamine a rest by going deep into my imagination. In that secret place I can reference several decades of stored images. Yet having spent weeks locking and barring several doors I can rip them down quickly to obtain a hit of dopamine. Even using mild images, as I have recently, it the fantasy that gets me pumping.

    Discipline is the early action required to overcome, giving way to reprogramming activities to challenge negative thinking which sabotages my progress.
     
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi,

    This is simply checking in, with a brief report.

    Yesterday was another one where I let temptation guide me. I went to bed not really in the right mood to post a clean day today. Apart from some confusion about where and when it was I have been in a rebooting frame of mind. It feels like I am breathing different air.
    If I wanted there is still curiosity to view P. and I have the search terms to facilitate this.

    This serves to prove, in my mind, that 'This too shall pass' all I need to do is sit in the moment and trust that this will happen.

    I have also pledged to maintain a PMO spreadsheet, pride tells me that it is a waste of time because I shall string together several months of rebuilding work before my next reboot.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All
    Just about a week since my last visit. That is the cause of some shame and the shame is leading to anger. I am letting this happen. The pull to go edging is not strong or insistent. At the same time it is there, possibly if it were easier to visit the site I used last then I may have gone there instead of here. Life is neither cause for misery nor wild celebration.
    I am pleased with what I have achieved with the cupboard under the stairs, which is the DIY project that I have been attempting. I am full of questions about spirituality, I just sit with them.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron.
     
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All,

    I could just write bounce to get myself to the top and save me falling off the bottom of the page.

    The real reason is to try and give yourselves some idea of what I have been doing. My mood has been turning on a dime one minute not understanding where my "troubles" are and how I could even be bothered by them the next feeling that Mrs Heron is the absolute pits and that my life as a consequence is a sham. I have also felt ambivalent about some news that should reassure us at other times I have felt anxious about it for obvious reasons. We should not be bothered because with or without we are masters of our own destiny. Today I have been out in public with my son. This was surprisingly a pleasant experience, I was worried that we would disagree and squabble. At times though I have become a lust zombie, unpredictable incidents, something has flashed into my mind and I am sure there are memory photos which will come out when I least expect them. That is where I fall down, it starts like that, by next week I deserve sex and must access P. because I am not getting it.
    Mrs Heron is being annoying and I am struggling to pretend I have not noticed and behaving the same anyway

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron.
     
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi

    Have to focus on what I want to say as I want to move on. I have an issue with a manager at work and it just so happens that I have both my work laptop at home and a need to book extra hours. So I am looking to resolve the disagreement tonight, I am determined to do it without being big headed but I also really want forget that and to stick it into her.
    I am relating to Mrs Heron better at the moment, but like many things I am sure that will change and change back again. She challenged me the other night about going out next weekend and I refused to engage because I neither wanted to back down nor could I see how I would even win. I do not tell her that my way is better than hers so I will not concede that hers is better than mine. Listening to her though does do me good. Thinking that she would kick off does mean I choose to do only the things that matter to me.

    Soar Well
     
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, Just came here to say that I am feeling triggered. The following entry might prompt the reader to check their stash is secure.

    I seem to be locked into a news feed which is making a big thing of the fact that Tumblr is cleaning out the P from it's user accounts. I have used Tumblr as a gateway to build up my edging behaviour, during my last relapse I found a different way to build up. Now that the bulk of Verizon's efforts should be concluded I am curious to see how successful they have been. The addict is anxious that there is not the variety should it persuade me to slip again. I resolve today not to check that news feed for two weeks and obviously Tumblr is not appropriate for the next month.
    Soar Well
     
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Several times over the past couple of days I have had the thought to search for images which would stimulate my dopamine receptors. I even made an oblique search which thanks to the simple security of the search engine did not yield what I really meant.

    My wife said something about our youngest son and it stirred some mud. I also have stuff to attend to in other ways which I believe are important. Trying to find comfort I have spent a brief time obsessing about a 'beautiful' woman. That 'beauty' is what I believe fuels my obsession. It is probably a very good idea to attend to the stuff rather than spout more words that I do not really undertstnd.

    Soar Well
     

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