They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am here again, honesty decrees that I tell you that I could be quite rude because I want to be somewhere else. At the moment P. is not good enough, I been there enough to know that is not going to answer anything. Equally the glimpse of a salacious image will bring me to MO probably via P.

    More positively. I was a state when I left for work this morning, but during the whole day that I was at work it was quite easy to focus on my allotted tasks. When I think back just a few weeks ago I was making what I achieved today last at least a week. So even what I was achieving on Monday and Tuesday was a break through and today has been more productive. Also today I had time to begin learning a new skill. Tomorrow I must record this achievement. When I shared my pleasure with the family eldest son told me well done, then offered to teach me what he knew about the subject.

    I shall try to survey some of your posts now, thanks for reading.

    Soar well
     
    Libertad, Bobo and Saville like this.
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Just dropping by to read, I am really letting this heat drain my energy. I am also letting negative talk inside my head drain my energy. I have taken some small positive steps this week, I have to follow through otherwise they are worth less. So because I have yet to get the pay back my mind is contracting them to be worthless.

    Soar well
     
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Gh....the pay back comes in small increments. Very slow but consistent. Worry not, it will ,add up. Keep truck in along bro.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's a book called The Five Second Rule. The premise is that if you don't act on a thought within 5 seconds you're not going to; we're talking about positive thoughts here. :) If you were at a get-together, for instance, and you see someone you'd like to meet, you need to act upon that impulse within 5 seconds, otherwise you'll build the old walls up and lose the opportunity. So important to follow through, as you say. I remind myself of this daily. I still procrastinate a good deal, but the baby steps do add up.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Over the past couple of weeks I have read on various threads, some of them are historic and I missed the first opportunity to respond to them, about the merits of coming out of Monk mode promptly.

    Please, remember that we are discussing recovery from P. here. I do quietly wince when members talk about moving from single to sexual with little apparent regard for courtship.

    One thing I have been unsure about the meaning of is admiring real women. For me I believe that my appreciation of women fluctuates with the capacity I have to love myself. Seeing a woman can send me into a tailspin often I am able to handle it and put myself right. Sometimes I get such an uncontrollable rush that I want to get away from her as soon as possible, for fear that I will proposition her or over step another mark. My personal practice is to bounce everyone if the pleasure that I am deriving feels intense. Many of the posts that I referred to above are casual about this and take it as a reward of rewiring. As I have said above maybe my case is part of a specific sub set of this forum.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are old school, GH. On the face of it I agree with you that courtship, old-fashioned wooing, is best. I certainly believed that all my life, as I fell over myself to be that chivalrous man. However, I also have had to recognize that though I was a romantic at heart, I was also a cheating P addict. This lead me to conclude that my ideas of romance were more along the lines of "being nice," rather than truly wanting to connect with a person. In other words, my version of romance was a fantasy.

    As you know, I've followed a different track since my reboot, one that is allowing me to experience me. As I get further away from P and M and fantasy, I learn a new way of being romantic, one based on respecting myself first; this is a new concept for most on this forum. We are going to get lots wrong as we reboot and that's OK. We never allowed ourselves to get things wrong before. I think we have to blow up all our notions and allow something new to take hold.

    So, those are my thoughts.
     
    A New Man and Libertad like this.
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you Saville, food for thought there.

    Complacency

    It seems that I still need to learn that with enjoyment of the progress I have made in tackling those things which frustrate me I need to be aware that complacency sits on the other shoulder. I have been less productive over the past few days and some of that is down to idly viewing salacious images. Once again I reacted to a silly comment at work and I dived into the rabbit warren, fortunately I have not viewed any P.
     
    Saville likes this.
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I feel that I have a choice of two places to go. One is to curl up in a corner and hope that next time I wake up everything will be different the other is a 'brand' of proactive which is delusional. So I am battling to stay in the real world, seeking satisfaction from doing the next thing.
    I have proved a new standard of productivity at work today, I am putting myself down with negative reports of how I could have done better. I could go on with other reasons to think my life is poor. I am stopping myself when I see this and challenging the narrative that I am trying to peddle.

    Soar Well
     
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi the past few weeks have been torture because I have been letting the addict in for a chin-wag. I went out to the monthly men's fellowship this morning and I poured my shame out on the carpet. I was surrounded by role models, some of them looked pathetic, but the stories that I heard were a lift. Something that I came away with was that we should be wrapped up with being:- grateful for what we have, on our guard for the addict and cheerful. If I am on here next week grousing about how my problems never go away would you anticipate reading another entry? If I let the addict talk me into hiding away would that make for material worth sharing? If this thread became a humble means to extol the gifts to be gained from changing the operating system would I reach fewer people?

    I am now off to put the doing part into practice today.

    Soar Well
     
    Saville likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    People generally hear what they want hear. It sounds like what you're hearing right now is leading you to freedom.
     
  11. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    GH -- just stopping by to let you know that I will hold you up in prayer. Our faith journey sounds similar enough for me to make this offer and know you'll take it as intended.

    Just know that I'll be holding you up in my prayers...

    See ya, brother.
     
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you @Guy_Stewart I am trying to catch up on your story, my prayer shall be with you.

    Today I have, with careful management of my sons' capabilities, achieved a weekly task quicker than ever this should be repeatable because of the ease of success. Then this afternoon whilst the eldest did his own thing, I had to be taxi, I did an art trail that is running in the city centre with the youngest. We walked what feels like a long way in the course of four hours. I did notice myself wanting to go off in my head with many of the women we passed. I was aware of this and surrendered quickly each time and as I write there is no shadow of this activity. At the same time I was also aware that there was a sort of consciousness. Some of the younger ones were too young for an old man like me to try it on with. The older ones physically they were not as fit as I was making them out to be. I am not aware of what it is that I am yearning for but I only desire to sit down and read something thought provoking.

    I have had the week off and spent it with the family. The two highlights of our week together were half a day at the beach playing with a frisbee with the eldest, digging holes with the youngest and all of us eating ice cream as we walked back to the car. The other is that the next day I took them both to the swimming pool on my own. We had a lovely time splashing in the water, I do get the guilts because they cannot swim as well as I could at their ages. I also felt a guilt that I am running out of time to have holidays away with the eldest one and he has very few memories of time away with us in his happy bank. The guilts are just wishes that things were different and there is an urge to put these right but other than a little resentment that Mrs Heron has not made my wishing easier to realise I do not feel any great pain. I feel more pain at the mess the council is making of the highways!

    Soar well
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I have been making trouble on some other threads. I have come here to try writing some small stuff and calm down because I was taking myself too seriously. Whilst I have been exploring other parts of the board I have found some material to provoke me into some sort of growth.

    Something that has happened in the real world is that I have lost a wallet. If someone finds it they have quite some material to build up my identity. Either I am being naïve or this is not troubling me much, I have set about replacing the things that matter, and listing the other things which are more incidental. I am surprised at how calm I am being, Mrs Heron has not had her head bitten off nor have I been unkind to our eldest son.

    Talking of irritability, I am back at work and I have resolved to be polite to and about one of my colleagues that I have a low opinion of. I have spent sixteen hours at work and it is frankly addictive to make comments that make me feel superior to him. I have seen very little of him but the conversation keeps coming round to subjects where I can get a dig in.
     
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I was contemplating a run when I sat down to read YBOP. It was past the 5 second point, and I read your comment about the 5 second rule. I was able to keep bumping the volleyball (idea) up in the air until I got it over the net (went for a run). Timing is everything. Thanks, Saville:)
     
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am here today, I have tried to read and take in a couple of other threads because I do not know what to write. They are words just words, here I feel an Inbetweeners quote coming on but the way I tell it would take too long.
    I have been hoping to break the dry spell this weekend but I have said the wrong thing to my wife, not that I thought I was onto anything but, now I know that I am not getting anything. This is both because she is hurting after I was honest that if I had cooked I would have done it differently and later I looked at her with "lust" in my eyes whilst she was still hurting from the cooking thing. We don't talk I am often nagging her to initiate a conversation because I always choose inconvenient times perhaps if we did talk we could both be being sexy and talk about the cooking in a less confrontational manner.

    I will have to spend some time reflecting about what I did wrong and how I might sweep clean my side of the street.

    Soar Well
     
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am in a very dark place at the moment, have been for at least the past week which is why the dower posts. I was meaning to write this when I first got to work and in those early drafts my thoughts were full of expletives and there was a definite anger.

    I went to bed angry last night, Mrs Heron has an insect bite on her leg and she is suffering with it. I am not sympathetic when she is unwell. I have felt that I am being taken for granted too many times, when it is genuine I just do not feel any compassion. She knew that by tonight she was going to get a prescription but yesterday she insisted that I run her about in the hope of getting something to placate her. I curse myself for being her whipping boy all the while I feel powerless to tell her what I think and she knows what I am thinking so she argues with me all the same. If it had been left to me our son would have waited another 48 or 72 hours when he was obviously ill and that might have made the difference, I dare not ask the question. When we were expecting him I was still in the 12 step fellowship, I told my sponsor that Mrs Heron was feeling unwell one day, all he said was "what about if she is?" Turns out that she was probably experiencing morning sickness from carrying our youngest son. I do not like to be hard and tell the woman I love she is being neurotic but many times it does feel that I am right or that she could help herself. For my part there is a very strong sense of selfish denial that this is happening because this is spoiling my plans, there is also a sense that we do not merit the attention that she is demanding.

    My mood is more than just this, the insect bite is a lightening rod for my anger. I do feel a sense of injustice that my life is not how I think it should be, some of this is prompted by a sense of guilt at my complicity in the low quality lives my children live. There is an anger that I do not feel I have the time to process this anger and deal with the causes.

    It has been cathartic to just think and write the above. I am conscious of the fact that I have the chores to get done before bed. That, I think is a really deep part of why I have to be in control.

    Soar Well
     
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Raskolnikov, Thanks for stopping by. At first I did not understand where your reply was coming from. I was trying to deal with anger, the guilt was fuelling it but not part of the problem.

    Reading and re-reading your post the middle statement spoke to me in a way that I doubt you meant.

    I hope that responding to this will lead to growth.

    Soar well
     
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Raskolnikov, Your words were not taken as a critique.

    Thinking about where those feelings came from I get a sense of ease from thinking of them as frustration at my lack of God connectedness. In my time the idea of journaling my day as a time sheet has been presented to me, when I have done as asked it has served to confirm I am a busy person and I have dismissed it. Over the last week I have become aware that some while ago I wrote a Vision statement and some values and even set myself five priorities, then left it to be visionless. I am reviewing these and setting SMART goals. This time sheet concept might serve to help me visualise my progress keeping me focussed on when I have lost sight of the Vision.

    It is time to take flight.

    Soar Well
     
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi just a quick one to acknowledge where I am at and that I have passed by.
    I have been incredibly aware that it has been a very long time since Mrs Heron and myself had sex. I have mentioned this and it has probably not improved my chances. Being upfront does not get me anywhere and nor does being cool about it. I am feeling entitled and that is not good. I peeped at P. last night instead of going to bed. I get bigger fixes on the street outside the old peoples home, but I am still not trying that again. My risk factor is my mind and I have yet to see a pop up for an app to filter that. I have had a couple of fantasies and then had the thought that I might find some pictures online to illustrate them, I almost certainly would not find the exact pictures that I am looking for. I am reading a spy thriller to my son, we bond like this he is plenty big enough to read on his own, I feel that we should find something else to do.

    Soar Well
     
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Back again and still struggling to identify with any journals on here. They're just words man, just words. Feeling desperate to get off with a different woman, the pictures will only work if I think that I can get it on with the woman behind them. I am sitting here having my very own pity party and you are not invited, especially you because you are going to talk me out of it.

    Strangely, I was reading 'Oh the places you'll go' by Dr Seuss to my youngest. Strange because I would think that he had grown out of it by now and strange because I really did not expect to get so much from it myself. I felt as I read it that I could sit down and meditate on it and even, if I managed to memorise it, I could drop quotes from it into my posts here. It would be really funny to say something true and relevant to a serious problem, perhaps the one I describe at the start of this post, then to attribute it to Dr Seuss.

    I am much brighter now I have brains in my head and feet in my shoes I can steer myself in any direction I choose. Thank you Dr Seuss.
     
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