They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    You describe your schedule as manic. Do you think that adding new activities would be energizing to you, or would they be an additional burden? Are there things you can remove from your schedule not only for a new activity or two, but for some solid rest? Some sleep, some staring at clouds or stars, some listening to music with your feet up, some petting a dog or something like that?
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is important. There is a lot of emphasis on "doing" something, but sometimes just doing nothing is best, provided it is a different nothing than you're used to.
     
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  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks Squire and Saville too,
    Very good question that, in all honesty I do wonder if my rage and resentment are symptomatic of the need to take time for rest. Another aspect of that is my tendency to spread myself thin being of service. I am reluctantly accepting my character might not be cut out to work that hard. I would much rather believe that my wife is lazy.
    First thing at work me head was spinning. Sometimes it feels like a physical battle to stop from lashing out at anything. But do not tell my boss a little later I was really productive.
     
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  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Just making the effort to post here before turning in for the night. The productivity at work has continued today. Part of what I have done today has been bigger than the parts that I tackled yesterday consequently the attrition rate was lower, this felt like it was a problem. I move on to a different part of the project next week and shall try to reflect this learning in how I approach that. This is amazing, looking at the spreadsheet I use to manage the validity of this work it is evident that I have been making very heavy work of the project and breaking it down so that I can sign off a task each hour or two has transformed my productivity.
    Leaving work for the weekend I was tempted to fall into a pit of introspection. I have scalded myself to snap out of it and I am trying to notice reasons for to be grateful that I am alive. I refuse to be the reason that others have a bad time over the weekend.

    Have a good time yourselves, may we meet again when we alight again.
     
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  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I wanted to read a little here then post and be gone before now. I am trying not to make coming here every day a big thing and I have blown it today.
    Click your fingers and I could fall asleep. I have spent much of today doing chores. I have had special time with both sons playing a board game. The younger one did say that he was glad that I had not got mad at the elder one for a long time, it is sad that he should even have that memory.
    I did try to engage the younger son in helping with the chores, but it does feel like he sets me back rather than leads me forward. I fear that if I had taken any longer to do the chores then the board game might not have happened. I enjoy his company but at the moment we work best when he has only a little input.
    I read another members journal before coming to my own and whilst there are parts of it that I gladly would let him keep I was envious for a couple of reasons. Perhaps those things are what I hope will be mine when this reboot becomes more established I try not to focus on what I hope for because I might get something different.
     
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  6. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    What if the item on your to do list were to "bond with my son." The chores can be bonding time and they can take as long as it takes to do the bonding, just like in a work project you put in as much time as it takes to get it done right. If the board game doesn't happen, that's ok, as long as bonding is happening during the chores. I think developmentally the father needs to give the son a feeling of empowerment and confidence. Doing "work" with the father can at times help the child feel more grown up and trusted than playing a game.

    When I look back at my childhood, I have few memories of my parents playing with me, lots of memories of them running around the house and yard organizing things. And I know this is also what I do now with my children, because so often we repeat what has been modeled for us. So it is hard to change. So I want to stress that my advice is often theory and not necessarily something I have learned to practice consistently. I guess that makes me something of a hypocrite.
     
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  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you Squire, I am going to try exploring my reaction to what you have written. I too remember my parents being busy about the house. I too remember my father taking the opportunity to teach me something which I did not realise that I wanted to know by engaging me in that busyness. My mum had a more successful, if less adventurous, approach. When I was older I resented them both for it in different ways. I am trying my mother's example on the eldest son which causes tension between myself and my wife. Back to the point, I feel guilty for what I call a work ethic in overdrive, I have to be busy like my father, whilst at the same time I experience guilt for not doing things with my sons.

    As I have alluded above my experience of being involved in jobs does not transfer into my current situation very well, I am still looking for the right way and I have probably burnt my bridges with the eldest one. We shall see, my time may come again. More pertinent is this I think some of the dreaded mood on a Friday is because of the lack of a structure to the weekend.
     
  8. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Ok, this is not just for you but for Squire. Note to self: a lot of activity can be a way of avoiding something. What am I avoiding when I stay too busy? Do I want to teach my kids to use that avoidance technique?

    Recently I asked my children each to do 1 chore a day. I gave them a list of possibilities but told them they could suggest other possibilities if they saw something else around the house they wanted to do. We also have a few more demanding chores, entirely optional, that we will pay them to do if they have the desire to earn some money. If they don't do them, I will do them or hire a neighborhood kid to do it. Getting our kids to do chores is solely a matter of teaching them some sense of responsibility, and not to be lazy, it's not really about getting things done in a quality way. If they mow the grass and leave some clumps sticking up, I don't sweat it, and I don't re-do it.

    As far as fun things go, sometimes the kids will take the lead and actually get us involved in something I wouldn't have thought of but that are actually fun for me too. My daughter has us volunteering at the humane society to play with cats now. It helps socialize the cats to humans so they are more adoptable pets. I may not have chosen to use my time that way normally, but it is kind of fun, I'm with my daughter, and I'm relaxing with animals. It can be mildly interesting to have our kids teach us something new. To teach us one of their computer games or to watch a movie they like, etc. Ok. It's often dull, truth be known. But one thing I've learned is that the kids grow very fast so if they ask me to do something with them today, there is a good chance they will not be interested in that thing after a few weeks, so I can't miss those opportunities. I worked out with my son a few weeks. Now he works out with his friends and doesn't ask me anymore. I didn't get in good shape, it was a waste of time as far as workouts go. But I'm glad I did it when he asked. The memories we are constructing, not just for them, but for ourselves, are immensely valuable.

    If I could time travel, I'd go back to when they were about 4 years old and sit on the floor for a day playing with them and eating chicken nuggets and reading bedtime stories while I rocked them to sleep. And if the house was a wreck at the end of the day, well that was a really good day, wasn't it? We certainly got our money's worth out of that house.

    With your eldest, you know the situation best, but I don't know that I'd write things off too quickly. I don't know how old he is, but if he is resistant to you, I'd suggest that regardless of his age you think of him as an adult and talk to him as one. Try to catch him doing something good, strong, manly, and comment appreciatively on that. Ask him to teach you how to do something. Ask his advice about something at work (not advice about marriage, never ever). But some kind of project or interpersonal thing at work, or something in the news, ask his opinion of it. Let him sense the blessing of a father who sees him as a man, even if he's just 12.

    Please don't let this fill you with guilt. We parents already feel like we aren't doing it right and none of us do it perfectly. These words are intended to set free, not enslave.

    I am apparently full of advice because I just had a relapse and I need to make myself think I am wise and good again. So take it all with a grain of salt.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Kids just want your time, it doesn't have to be structured.

    Don't over think everything, GH. Life is simple.
     
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  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Squire and Saville
    Thank you both for your comments. I guess what I was trying to express was that at the weekend I feel in equal strong measures a natural inclination to be productive and to spend time 'on the floor' with the children. If I am to take Squire's advice I must cede control and let the children do their chores their way with me helping them. I had quiet moments at the weekend and they were spoiled by a screaming in my mind that here was an opportunity to look at this or that job, things which I believe I am overdue addressing. In fact, I want to post this entry and make progress on one of those tasks now.
    The question of structure is something that I feel allows me to meet my heart desires. I do have moments of great impulsive inspiration but usually I find that to 'Fail to plan equates to planning to fail.' I get impatient with my wife and she gets impatient with me because we just ricochet about the place obsessing about our roles. Since our youngest son was ill I have been ever more alert to the desire to do things and make memories, every now and then I hear my wife express something that I think is the same. Some of this requires me to either lighten up, I would say become more irresponsible, or to make plans to succeed, take back control.
     
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  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    A week ago I was uncomfortable because I thought that I wanted to get the wife into bed and I was feeling defeatist about that added to this I was aware of my list of things to do. Today when I woke up I would have shagged anything that wanted me. I was disturbed by a dream that played on that in the dream I felt that I had little agency.
    Saville is not the first person to tell me that I am overthinking things.
    The eldest son is away this weekend, my wife has tried to canvas our younger son about doing something special. He had an idea, it was something that Mrs Heron would not want to do, to visit a place that he went to recently. So we have a vague plan to do something that was suggested to him earlier in the week, I am struggling with resentment because it is something that I would not chose to do and I am sure that a little creative engagement on all sides would come up with something to engage all of us more fully.
    The time issue is something that I have struggled with since my late teens I can remember having high ideals for my life and them being in conflict. Still today I am in that conflict. The answer has to revolve around taking a more accepting view of it and spending more time in recreation. I have nearly made trouble for myself this evening because I think Mrs Heron has allowed me to do more than I should have fortunately she has not challenged my sly put downs.
    I think that I heard this on the radio earlier in the week and it seemed to chime with me. Happiness is a delusion, we, many of us, pursue this at all expense to no avail. When we stop chasing it and notice what we have we are happy and the pain is more bearable because it is accepted that it is something that everyone experiences.
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is profound. I've found this to be true over these past two years. I accept where I'm at and what I have.
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Saville thank you for responding.
    This is the crux of it all. I was in a rage, internalised for the most part, when I went to bed yesterday so much so that I meditated on it to clear the fog. When I went to sleep I had this sensation that my wife was behind either a dense briar screen or even at the top of a castle mound overgrown with briars. when I woke this morning it did not take long but I came to realise that I should be grateful for the times past and that I can not rationalise why she is worthy of being my wife. I think Squire recently wrote that any animosity between him and his wife did not represent a threat to the other so the relationship still stood, that was the thought that nailed my mood. I have been challenged to live up to my conclusion and right at this moment I wish that Mrs Heron would lighten up because I am letting her mood weigh me down.

    The day trip was more enjoyable than I expected and I can only conclude that I doubt if I could have enjoyed myself more if I had stuck to my guns, that said, I believe if I were to track down an old school friend of mine him and me could arrange something more in keeping with what I had in mind. Neither son would find it wholly fulfilling, I do not know where they get it from.

    The time thing is still draining my energy and I do not see anyway of letting it go. I believe that the first thing is to carve out more time for working on me and being more visible on here without neglecting too many of my offline things. The reason I did not buy into the 12 step fellowship thing was because I did not feel that I had the time and to be honest the financial commitment would have handicapped me.
    Real world issues demand my attention so I shall attend to them.
     
  14. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I accept what I have done today and I do not resent anything I have been given.
    There has been a tender moment between Mrs Heron and myself, it struck very deep. I chose not to go to church this morning, that was the worst part about today. I believe that I should maintain contact there like I maintain contact with you guys. This is in part for the social aspect as well as ''mutual" support and learning.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2018
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  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a great day! :)
     
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Today I would like to regale you with a little thing I learned.
    On Monday it was time for the monthly face to face. I have missed several in part to do with being somewhere else with the eldest son. Being sociable was not on my list of things to do and given the lack of connection I honestly did not want to go. Another dis-incentive is that after several changes to the venue we spend part of the time talking about 'business' before opening the meeting. I attended and one guy shared something which because of some cogitation about things I have read both here and in private was raw for me too. I was able to take part in the conversation in a way that I often am not able. I often have some concept of the issue and spend time drifting in and out of the room struggling to follow the discussion. Together we felt at different times unworthy and under-appreciated. However we looked at it we were probably making incorrect assumptions. We both felt that other people were being unduly praised whilst we were being overlooked. The discussion concluded that today we were doing what we should and the important thing was that we were building on what we were to become better people. Another thing that we talked about which was related is that whilst his career was heavily creative and mine is very functional we both like the security of rules. Whilst those rules are helpful and indeed necessary we both need to be more open to the freedom that comes with understanding them. I related the story that I am feeling more creative and comfortable at work recognising when I have the freedom to explore. We compared what we had to do to a Classically trained musician, the better their learning the more success they could have as a Jazz musician. If the audience cannot appreciate what they are doing the audience is not sure if this is good jazz or an elaborate con.
     
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Yesterday, I did the ironing. I do not like the time it takes nor the fact that my wife could do more to help me to free up the time to do it. Short of making a real scene she is not hearing me at the moment. Perhaps that was unacknowledged in my mind at the time. I watched a stage of the tour de France whilst doing it, certainly slowed me down. As it finished I was thinking 'now to put the computer on for something more stimulating'. Instead I drifted into a drama being broadcast. Again my productivity was stunted but I lost the urge to view P and felt good for empathising with what was going on.

    Soar well
     
  18. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    This is good it looks like your starting to break the habit
     
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks for your comment Dig Deep.
    The day has been one of aggression between my wife and myself. I had a couple of hours out of the house planned with the boys so that was respite. I am trying to think of something to apologise for to open the peace talks. The most obvious one is that I have been grumpy because I have not got any recently, I just do not expect that to move anything. Whilst I was out I had to choose a wedding anniversary card not the easiest task given the mood I am in.

    Soar Well
     
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Today I am very much in touch with regret surrounding the low power life I have lived.
    Dwelling on it I believe that I have been aware of this for my whole adult life. When one of my great-grandmother's died I took that as a wake-up call to be engaged. That engagement has waxed and waned over time and today I am in the 'Take action before it is too late' aggressive phase. What my next step is I do not know.

    Soar Well
     
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