They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    The title of my journal is a recurring message that I do not wish to lose sight of. It is part of a longer quote from the book of Isaiah in the Hebrew Scriptures. But I have come to appreciate it by two different means, the first at a time when I was in deep remission from our common struggle. Much later again when I was looking for hope when all I could see was trigger women it helped me to soar.

    For me this journey started in 2004, when it seemed inevitable that I would seek out an affair whether that was proactive or passive seeking. As my chosen mode of operation was the computer I found some restoration resources online. Finding resources does not solve a problem. So I looked for more resources and became involved with one of the 12 step S-fellowships this set me on the road and enabled me to de-escalate once again. Strangely enough my wife resented me spending time hanging out with those sorts of people, people just like you and me are. What do you know I did not enjoy the travelling to meetings so she was my excuse to stop that. Ever since I have been starving myself of our drug and bingeing out on it periodically.
    I was active on another forum but my ISP provided blocking service has black-listed that website and still permits me to access a blogging website that someone on that forum advised another user to avoid, that blogging website is now my sole source of material.

    I wish to place on record that my reset date is 1st November 2013. This time I have not quit on a full stomach the drug still holds an allure. Does anyone else notice that their need comes and goes every 30 days or so?

    I have come here to share my story, my hope and my strength with you to lift you up and that in receiving your story, your hope and your strength I too may be lifted up.
  2. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    I hope you're ready, Heron, to Fly Like an Eagle because that's what we do here. In formation! Fly!
  3. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Welcome Grey Heron. There is no need for P or PMO. It is an useless addiction. I wish you best. This forum is a great place for recovery and information. Happy soaring.
  4. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I DO get it, Heron! My libido cycles to "high" every month or so. I thought I was just crazy. But if it happens to you, too, maybe I'm NOT SO crazy...
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you for the helpful replies to my initial post. I would normally only have my computer on at this time of night to seek our common medication I even have an alarm to tell me to turn the computer off to reduce the chances of using.

    I am reluctant to dump on you guys like this and I want to pass a plan before someone else who can tell me if I am going off at a tangent. A big thing which I sometimes feel justifies my porn use is my resentment of my wife. Now I am fully aware that counselling offices around the globe are being visited by men who want to bin their wife because she is not like my wife, and at times I would happily exchange my wife for his cast off and I know also that the new woman still has to react to the same man my wife was reacting to.

    The blunt end of my resentment is that I want to make time for couple time and I spend too much time doing things in the evenings which I feel she could do in the daytime or help me with in the evening. This evening like many other evenings when I have been distracted by the television programme that she is enjoying she has seen fit to re-focus me on those things I have broken off from doing. The direction would be helpful if I was not already looking for a fight. I want to talk to her about my concerns but we are not good at talking. She will get defensive at my speaking my mind. So often times I do not speak and just hope that the sun goes down on the argument. Today I want to man up and say that we must talk and clear the air on the other hand I do not want to cause her pain at my criticising her. She has said a couple of times now that she feels she could do more in the house. When she says this I want to lunge in with the guilt knife and twist it. It would be logical for me to encourage her to find a job as she feels unfulfilled but she does not have the confidence to appreciate that. As for a sex life well she can not be accused of enabling my addiction. I feel like I am the bread winner and that when I get home I want to enjoy my labours added to the mix is a desire to spend less time at work if that happened I would expect her to earn something to compensate. I marvel at how other people in worse situations seem to make their lives look more fulfilling and consequently I don't like to talk about my feelings because I feel that I have it easy.

    Am I trying too hard to protect her from the harsh reality of life? Am I avoiding the obvious conversation that must be shared? Are my feelings real because they are mine?
  6. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Well here again and still alive, since my last post it has become clear to me that all is not as one sided as I made it out to be. I have promised to make a greater effort in the past and again today I shall renew that pledge, with you guys, to be more focussed on what I can do for her. I still think it is good for us to have a conversation about how we can do things in a more productive way.

    I have reached one week P free and the desire is not receding. I was not ready to quit when I did but I wanted to be ready to quit. I will continue to be P free and taking reboot actions one challenge at a time. This time around and the previous time also I accessed from portable devices which allowed me to get my highs as and when I wanted them provided that I had an open Wi-Fi access point. I do not resent my wife so much that I am prepared to pay for my drug, whatever next? That was one of the drivers to get me into restoration in the first place. If I started to visit prostitutes how was I going to maintain my bank account? Money was also a factor which eventually lead to me withdrawing from the 12 step S-fellowship, it cost time and it cost money to travel to meetings. Both of those commodities have been saved in the time since. They could have been saved in greater quantities by not viewing P but they still were saved.
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Once again, now I have been reading around a little on here and on YBOP. As I still have not come to the end of my current storm I have been careful how much time I spend on the computer. I have also had some external things to distract me.

    The embers are warm and I feel them getting hot when there is fuel around. Objectification of woman is a favourite habit, a different female rat to fertilize is a great analogy, and one that I can easily deal with by being sensitive to it starting and avoiding it. Something else I have to be alert to and to quench is stealthy triggers, like my son's picture books. There is a series of books written for pre-school children. One of the books in this series has inspired me to sexual fantasy. I am sure that there are several hundred P videos on the internet that follow the same story line. Now whenever I pick up another book containing these characters I have to resist the urge to turn it into a P script. My libido is really racing when I am with my wife yet she is not open to me and that hurts, hurts enough to fuel me to want P. I currently deal with all these in the same way, by finding something positive to do. Concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing. With a vague promise that if I really needed to do P it would be revealed later when I ran out of things to do. Then, unlike when I am using P, I am tired and have to go to bed.
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Stop the World I Want to Get ON !!!

    I took the opportunity to watch a video from YBoP when I last sat down to write here and then the scheduled opportunities have all been lost without any action.
    Watching the video made me stop with a shudder. Part of me realised once again that this stuff is insidious. Part of me was panicking that I need to deal with the possibility that my son might soon be shown this on a mobile device when he is away from the home. That has not had the power to keep me away from it for long. I am still P-free but not through quietly staying away from the stuff. I want to just look at this or to take comfort by that.

    Time and consequently life are racing by in a cypher. I feel as if it is all I can do to draw breath and do the things that I get done. Relaxation is just another chore in my busy schedule. There are many people who might say that I do not break a sweat unless I am astride my bicycle. I wonder if part of my problem is that I do not attack the tasks of life with a vigour. At work I might permit myself to be distracted because someone has said something that inspires me to surf the internet or to do something that my employer wants me to do in my own time. Yet again I have an immoveable deadline (my wife's birthday) and I am un-prepared for it. I have set myself a creative task and time is fast running out to achieve it. Many times in my life I have left things to the last minute and it seems to me that I do not enjoy either the journey or the destination. Our summer holiday, the first time that we have been away for several years, was spoiled this year because of it. My grades were spoiled because of it. I have a long history of not learning that lesson. My usage of P. helped me to cope with the disappointment and I am now trying to not use that tool.
  9. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Re: Stop the World I Want to Get ON !!!

    It probably did not help you cope. PMO changes your brain chemistry. The Post PMO probably anxiety and despair probably masked your disappointment. One problem was probably masking another.
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Before logging on I was full of my own rubbish. I have struggled to get in tonight and now I have no inspiration to write. I have been P - free for 30 days and more. When I was out shopping for my wife's Christmas gifts in the record shop I was triggered by the sleeves with beautiful women on them and nearly walked out of the shop. I am having to watch myself for those women.

    The selfish poor me feelings are strong in my life at the moment. Last week it was one crisis and I spoke to my therapist about it who reasoned it out of me. Only for me to hit two new crisis'. I am supposed to be considering how I am worthy regardless of anything else. Which reminds me of a 12th step recovery tape I have heard. The speaker was at a point where he asked his higher power why he was still alive and his higher power asked "Heck, why not?" I am still trying to puzzle out why not in my case.
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Posting my rebooting journey

    Well I have responded to Underdog's invitation to read his mega-post;sa=sendtopic;topic=15558.0. Whilst I am only part the way through I am keen to get started.
    I am formulating a vision and some urgency. A rock solid belief in myself is also something that I lack at the moment. Today I am still wrapped up in the effects of our disease. Amongst them at the moment is a lethargy. Tiem is up and I must return to my chores. write again soon.
  12. Bvm

    Bvm New Member

    Am sold on this Mandatory Reading and wish you all the best in our common struggle. Do read and reflect on the entire post and you'll find it time well spent. Would love to hear your thoughts on it.

  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    The post by Underdog is what I have been looking for since subscribing to this forum. I have been reading extracts from 'The Slight Edge', I am not convinced as I have read many books, some of them good, and I think I have all the books that I need. The Slight Edge might in fact one that I need. It sounds like I need to take action as I read it. Other books imply that change is needed without specifying what that change is.

    I feel that my vision needs to encompass my love of my family, my God and my home area. Vocationally my vision is confused, many of the ideas that pass in and out are less ambitious than my current role. I am not sure how they can develop without deserting the original ideas and these ideas at the moment compromise those three tenants which I outlined at the beginning.

    Despite being apparently keen to get my obsession out of my system I am still engaging in the behaviours of temptation. Which can lead to me being quite down and judgemental towards myself.

    Stuff to do and things to achieve. May you soar and be free.

    Grey Heron
  14. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Looks like good progress Grey Heron.

    You have clearly defined vision, focusing on Love... really positive, does not get better than that.
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member


    Whilst I struggle to make any clear targets to refine in my Vocational Vision. I am drilling down to make clear vision elsewhere.

    With my family I want to become more hands on with cooking and doing things which could be considered more naturally my responsibility. I also will stop using my family as an excuse not to do these things or other tasks which I think are for me to do. I usually let many practical tasks about the house mount up until my father comes over to help me out when most of the time I could do them myself or even involve one of the children.
    I want to become more active about the church. Sad to say so but I am probably the young face of our church which should not be the case. I was thinking about this last weekend and realised that part of this pledge means I should try some different services, i.e. make fewer excuses to not go to church. See the family vision but I use them as reason not to go to church either for the main act of worship or for alternative services. Then there is the challenge to be active at other times of the week than on a Sunday. Where did I leave that P shortcut? I do not want to deal with real life.

    Ambition has never been a close ally of mine. Some people might say that I am fully present but I have never felt the need for self improvement enough to improve. My wife is flawed, I do not like it but I am not prepared to work hard at loving her and to praise her for bettering herself. Same goes for the children, although I want them to do well as testament to my parenting prowess it is easier to be negative. From the little bit of the Slight Edge which I have read I feel that it is trying to shake me up to be ambitious which adds to the insecurities I have about the directions I might go with my vocational vision if I follow my passions.

    regards and until tomorrow

    Grey Heron
  16. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Maybe you're both crazy.

    Happens to me too. Maybe we're all crazy.
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Catching Up

    Well Happy New Year to everyone reading this and those who are here but have not found me.
    I have neglected to progress my reboot for a fortnight now. This post might even turn into a list of symptoms and if it does I do not apologise it will record where I am because this is the last time I want to be here. My routine has been all out, and I sometimes lean on my routine like you or I might lean on P. I have probably been short with wife and children because my structure is not close at hand. Some days I have felt physically ill and wondered if there was something wrong with me long term but my routine does not permit me to feel the discomfort. At some time I MUST bring my readers up to date with my relationship to money.

    I am having to get to sleep at regular times at the moment, I usually do during a reboot I have no idea how long I must do this as I act out to cope with it. Triggers I had an erotic dream several days ago and that keeps coming back, having said that other words bring recall of the excitement which I used to get from P. We went to the theatre on New Years eve I was not triggered from the stage, last year the leading lady reminded me of a colleague I was obsessed with and I lusted for her, but this year there were women in the audience who triggered me.

    There is an urgency in my mind to take this reboot seriously before I begin another reboot. It may be possible that I shall give this journal small entries on a daily basis.
  18. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Time and Energy

    Hi One and all, I am still finding it hard to see the gifts of my Journal's title. They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles. I am so habituated to thinking about Sex that I am convinced my addiction is creeping me towards a relapse. Well, I am on my guard, whether it is enough remains to be seen.
    I have finally read through the original post of the Mandatory reading. I have also picked some posts from this board to read at random, some I dismiss as written by contributors living in abstinence and a few have old things to say in new ways. This I find frustrating but I am trying to look at it as posts which do not speak to me on the road to MY next junction.
    I have today set myself the simple challenge of flossing my teeth and using mouth wash daily. These are things which tend to be sporadic and for the most part ignored. On top of other good habits which I am already working on I see this as part of my rebooting. I am struggling to be positive, I know that I am grateful to be free of P, about rebooting and if I truly believed that it was as bad as all that the P. is still out there to look at, as are the media in everyday life. It is times like this that I miss P. for the way deadlines do not matter when you are looking at a nice picture or that sleep can be delayed so long as the video is stimulating the dopamine.

    I am now off to do the next right thing in my reboot rather than the opt out choice of before.

    Soar Well and maybe I shall see you on Wings of the Eagle too

    Grey Heron
  19. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    when you are vulnerable to a relapse it is felt in the body in a vague way. I think it is key to get deeply in touch with the feelings and sensations in the body once you are aware what is happening. the more you get in touch with those feelings the less likely a relapse.
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It is time for stretching those wings for flight again. Since my last contribution I have been feeling really down physically which has transpired into some mental doubt but I do not want to dwell on those things I wrote about in my last post except to say I have taken over the counter medicines to comfort me. I have also taken time to do positive things to progress my reboot.
    Work has been one of those subjects that I have been half-hearted about. I think that in a previous post I have written about my lethargy towards a career. Once again I have said that I have a job, the benefits are reasonable and that with effort I can strengthen my card either to attract my own work in or to open opportunities with other employers. All other options that I might have considered will have the benefit of novelty and come with risk that represents great gains or traumatic losses. What is more I feel that to do well in these I would have to face the demons that I am trying to avoid in my current position. Consequently partly as a practice for my family to see I am committed to them and my career, I am enrolled to undertake a specific course of video tutorials as evidence to show a colleague who could pass work to me.
    At home I am finding it increasingly easy to look on my wife as my partner on the journey through life, she is still mistrusting of me and is interpreting some of my actions as sexually motivated. I do still at times find her disagreeable because she has a different approach to a subject from me. If I am going to change then she has to see that change and choose to life with it or without the changed me.

    May you soar and fly with me.

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