There's a Party in My Pants...and Nobody is Invited.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Psychosis, Mar 2, 2012.

  1. Harry

    Harry Guest

    Thanks for the motivation! When going through the shitty months, or days, its easy to give in and say, "life is not worth it without seeing some of these novelties." And in those times I forget what motivated me to abstain in the first place. Thanks once again. I abstain because I want to live life and not just endure it by watching porn every time I'm stressed out.
     
  2. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Well said, Paulier.

    One more thing I need to remember: While I too regret having wasted so much time, energy, money, life on PMO, it is important not to waste too much time, energy, life dwelling on that regret. It's a balance: I need to acknowledge, understand and remember the past waste in order to prevent it going forward, but I need to guard against the depression and other emotional dysfunction that dwelling on on it can cause.

    That said, for purposes of rebooting, facing up to the destructive effect PMO has had is essential.
     
  3. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Well, I'm really glad my thoughts on mortality had some benefit. This is my seventeenth day here, the longest I've gone without PMO for over a decade.

    I had some problems sleeping last night, and for the first time since beginning this second reboot attempt was visited by some urges. I'm going to keep it real, and say that, although the urges were comparatively dull (I wasn't anywhere near the "autopilot" level), the thought of just saying "fuck it", along with the various other self-induced delusions familiar to people on the site, were upon me.

    I had some desire to watch some softcore videos that I've probably seen 15 or so times, and get off to them. Here's what stopped me:

    1. The fact that I've already seen them a bunch of times, so why bother looking at them again? The illusion of novelty is powerful, but can be overcome.
    2. The thought of going back to DAY ONE--not only the psychological impact this would have on me, but also what it would do to readers of this thread. The truly awful experience of reading TheWrestler's thread has made me more sensitive to this.
    3. My relapse orgasm last time was pretty mediocre.
    4. I would probably experience some depression after orgasm, which would be a state of mind worse than what I was having then.
    5. The positive reinforcement of the progress of ssk08, dilem, gucci, et al.
    6. The pleasure of orgasm lasts only a few seconds, in case you forgot. I would basically be risking my long-term happiness by indulging in a very fleeting pleasure.
    7. And, perhaps most importantly, as I was thinking of these hot girls dancing naked on my screen, and the illusion of pleasure they would give me, I thought: why don't I just go through with the reboot, get back my real sexuality, and go have actual sex with hot girls like the ones in the video. Isn't that a better route to go here? I'm still relatively young, and in good health: I can just live a shitty life for a few months at the most, and then make up for lost time with real girls. I mean, is there really a choice to be made here: real sex with real girls, or rubbing myself to pixels?

    For me, getting through with this reboot is urgent, because I need to go out and have all the fulfilling sexual experiences I've lost out on in all these fucking years. I can't be fucking around and prolonging it. This is my life I'm talking about.
     
  4. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Way to go Psychosis! It makes us all stronger whenever someone on this forum resists repeating old habits.
     
  5. machok

    machok New Member

    Nice Psychosis ! You seem very confident and motivated to go PMO free for a long time now. You are a real resource to this forum with all your feedback and journal updating, I want to thank you for that. Keep this mind state and you will beat this addiction. I haven't read all of your post's, but that is because you write so much :) But it seems that you a have gone threw many setbacks, even though it's frustrating I think you learn very much about yourself each time you fuck up and eventually you will get so tired of it that your motivation will be even greater. I personally see this issue as a live or die thing, if I can't fix this I see no purpose in my life. Men are meant to reproduce and have sex with real women, not wasting our lives making love to our hands. I want to fulfill my potential and enjoy life to it's fullest. I hate seeing other guys hooking up with beautiful ladies, that should be me.

    Keep up your good work, your doing great !
     
  6. Joss is Boss

    Joss is Boss New Member

    This is great - you sound really strong here! Keep with it.
     
  7. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Thanks a lot, homies.

    Machok: I appreciate your words in particular. This addiction is the root cause of all the problems in my life that I've been able to identify; my life is basically a total disaster, to be honest. Now that I've realized what the cause is, it's my responsibility to fix it. As to my efforts in interacting with members here, I sort of see that as a way of socializing that is diametrically opposed to the narcissistic psychology of the masturbator (i.e. the masturbator is just way too self-absorbed, and this in itself is unhealthy). Plus, I'm becoming rather passionate about this issue, and frankly it fucking kills me to see young guys wasting hours of their lives (let alone months and years) with this totally fruitless activity.

    But I understand how hard this is to overcome too. Yesterday was a nightmare for me. Seriously, I felt like I was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It wasn't urges coming into my brain, it was more of a divided self type of thing (I'm not schizophrenic, though). I was sitting there with an erection (I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about those coming back...), confused and anguished, as a result of having briefly indulged in some sexy videos on the internet (no porn, no erotica, no nudity either). You're saying, "Psychosis, you moron, why were you looking at videos of models on the net?" But it wasn't me, it was the idiot chained to me that Kingsley Amis spoke of. I just had to get up and go out for a walk. Next time, I'm going to break out the cold water.

    It was a horrible ordeal, but of some value I'm starting to believe. For example, it was no longer obvious that, since I was horny, I jerked off to internet porn. That is a step in the right direction. Also, I was unbelievably horny looking at pictures/videos that would've probably done nothign for me in the past. It was pretty tame shit. I'm not happy that my Inner Idiot drove me to do it, but it definitely could've been worse.

    I believe I'm moving out of the flatlining phase, mainly because my dick is now there. It was there this morning when a rather attractive middle-aged woman was ahead of me in line for coffee. Before, when I was a porn addict, I would've noticed her, but I felt something this time.

    Look, I realize there's still a long way to go here. I'm nowhere near being a full human male. But, I think people need to keep in mind that overcoming these horrible urges is more rewarding, in the long run, than not having them at all. It's sort of a rebirth process.
     
  8. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Have you read the book Breaking the Cycle? It appears that you are already following one of the techniques that he suggests in order to overcome the PMO cycle. All of us can relate with people who behave differently in different situations, you are rarely the same person around your friends, close family or co workers. Thinking of the guy who watches porn as another side of your personality, one that you can separate from the rest of your mind and isolate, has been helping me quite a bit in avoiding urges. For instance, when I get the urge to look at some porn or masturbate I imagine that it is not my inner voice telling me this, but rather some third party who happens to have a direct line to my brain. Think of the classical Angel/Devil on the shoulders as a an analogy. This allows me to separate myself from this negative influence and say "Well, I am just not going to do that because I, TheDude, do not need that. I shall abide without what you are telling me that I need."
     
  9. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    Seems to me that you are making so good progress that days. See it that way: you were aware of your "inner idiot" and you beat him, that looks like an important step to me. And it´s not so bad to get an erection about stuff "normal" men would get erections about, isn´t it?
     
  10. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    I have not read that book, but I think you mentioned it in your journal? Anyway, I think there's some wisdom in that way of thinking about it, and if it works for you I wholly endorse it. I believe it was from Paulier that I lifted that idea of some idiot being chained to me, trying to take me over.

    Thanks a lot dude. And, yes, it's certainly good to get erections to shit that normal men do. But my erections are still very, very rare here. So, it seems like I've got quite a way to go here. Really, I'm more looking forward to the celebrated mental benefits guys report.

    Day 18 was really easy, urges were nowhere to be found. Reading about Paulier's wake-up battle today has reminded me that the war is not over.
     
  11. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    I second, that, Psychosis.

    Being able to perceive the "inner idiot" seems like a breakthrough to me. You are creating the distance between yourself and your chemical urges that is required in order to master them.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences.

    Stay strong.
     
  12. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Thanks spinergy, that means a lot comign from you. I read something you wrote the other day that blew my mind.

    I believe today is my twentieth day, and that, therefore, I will be celebrating the 3 week point tomorrow. Needless to say, I'm rather excited about it.

    I just had an amazing run, making it I would estimate a little over 10 miles. I feel utterly elated after completing it, like I just smoked a fatty at my favorite coffee shop in Amsterdam (Dampkring). I've noticed that the worst days I have are the ones where I don't get enough physical activity in, either because I'm lazy, my body is sore from the previous day or the weather is bad. Whether this is coincidence or something more, I'm astonished at people who are trying to do this without workign out at all.

    And yet I've been sleeping rather poorly the last few days. I'm not sure whether this is a direct consequence of abstaining from the ruthlessly masochistic practice of PMO, or somethign else (maybe I need less sleep in general?).

    But last night as I was drifting off I remember I was fantasizing about some of the girls I've slept with--specifically the act of me having sex with them. This may have been the result of mere suggestion, since I've read other guys' reports of this as the reboot progresses--but maybe I'm starting to get back my own true sexuality, and not the merely voyeuristic one of PMO.
     
  13. hosea

    hosea New Member

    You make great points about exercising. I need to start again. When I'm wasting myself on on porn and stupidity, it seems like I just let everything else go to hell - if my only (sick) release can be satisfied without keeping myself in shape or cleaning my pad, why bother with it? It's self-destructive recursion.

    Hang in there, man. You've made it farther than I have, I think. Your fight is encouraging and inspiring, and your words are more of a support to me than you probably know.

    - H
     
  14. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Careful with the fantasy, even if its "real". It doesn't take you healthy places.
     
  15. Harry

    Harry Guest

    It is the same with me. Exercise has been helpful in keeping me energetic and away from any erotic thoughts.

    Three weeks of complete abstinence is inspiring! I, too, hope to enjoy such an accomplishment. You will certainly reap all the benefits.
     
  16. wayne_992

    wayne_992 New Member

    Good job guys, keep up the good work and keep going
     
  17. I also started fantasizing with real girls, but I doubt it is much healthier than with porn images. What are you planning to do today as a reward?
     
  18. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Great progress and great observations, Psychosis.

    We are doing this because we want to recover from the pernicious effects of PMO on our lives. The recovery takes time, and the benefits are correspondingly far off. For example, after 33 days, other than some respectable morning wood now and then, I'm nowhere near where I want to be sexually. This can be disappointing.

    However, I find a great benefit in the journey itself--the satisfaction of exercising a degree of control over my life. I am no longer a stupid chimp fapping to flickering images for a shot of dopamine. I no longer am disrespecting my wife. I no longer am poisoning my brain or abusing my body. While I am disgusted with my past behavior, what's done is done, and it's a little easier to look at myself in the mirror.

    I mention this because the prospect of full recovery and sexual health can seem very distant, so, at least for me, it's important to acknowledge the other, more immediate benefits of rebooting.

    Stay strong.
     
  19. darkknight3313

    darkknight3313 New Member

    I'm right behind you man. Almost 2 weeks. Keep going!

    Your activity and posts on this board are thought-provoking and respectable. Thank you for that.
     
  20. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Looks like he's deleted his account? I wonder why.
     

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