There's a Party in My Pants...and Nobody is Invited.

Guess that is just more reinforcement for the whole "everyone's reboot is different" line. My relapse orgasm was....intense...

 

Just stopping back in to tell you how much I appreciate your thoughtful posts.

I think there's no reason consenting (which is to say free of coercion) adults can't make artistic, erotic images and video that offer reflection and insight into one of the most powerful elements of the human condition.

That being said, I sure as hell don't think the modern American porn experience reflects that ideal in any way. I also worked in a strip joint for a while. It was the most fun job I've ever had, and at the time, I would argue passionately and eloquently about how society shouldn't be demonizing sexuality, and how everyone there was a consenting adult, and the importance of freedom of speech. I believe all of that, still, but I also have to admit that, in the naked light of day, it was a gross place that capitalized on the basest urges of everyone involved. It's a fun machine, but it runs on misery. I assume the rest of the porn industry operates the same way, and I want no part of it.

Stay strong, and warm regards.

- H

 

Better still, I had it tattooed to the top of my penis.

yeah, well, I guess maybe it had somethign to do with the fact that I used to spend quite a bit of time edging when I was in my PMO addict phase, and when I relapsed, having not came in a few weeks, it didn't take me too long to come. I think this may also have to do with why the chaser effect was so killer with me. But all that shit is done now.

Even if your orgasm was teh best PMO one you've had in your life, you still must distinguish between short term and long term pleasure seeking. PMO'ing at the expense of forming real relationships with people (sexual and otherwise) is like becoming a smackhead at the expense of forming a real life with goals. I know that you already know this, I'm just trying to phrase it in a way to give you some motivation to keep going.

Thanks dude. That is funny that you worked in a strip club. Obviously, as an American male, I've been to my share of strip clubs in my life. Although it was never really somethign that I liked that much, nevertheless I still can't say I much care for that type of person I once was. First of all, it was a version of myself without his soon-to-be-acquired real libido, but the porn-induced voyeuristic one (in other words, I wasn't a real man, if you want to phrase it like that). And, secondly, I'm not quite sure that the girls who were baring themselves for my pleasure would've been doing what they were doing if not the for the fact that they needed money.

I once was riding a bus in a large American city (not a very fun experience, in itself...), when the bus made a stop at a large university located within that city, and a girl got on the bus who was obviously a student. I remembered seeing her a couple weeks earlier working at a strip club, as a stripper, and I'm pretty sure she recognized me. There's a lot to be said about this incident, but I think people can draw their own conclusions.

Incidentally, there was an article in the "Huffington Post" a few months ago, on a trend among college girls in the United States (and England, and, surprisingly, Germany as well) of adopting "sugar daddies" to help them finance their tuition. That is to say, these girls are prostituting themselves to rich older men to make it through college. I'm sure a few of them just happen to be that type of girl who would like to do something like this, but most are doing it out of necessity.

It's not that we should outlaw the girl's freedom to prostitute herself, or strip, or be in pornographic movies--Americans know quite well how well prohibition of things that are in high demand works. It seems to me that one wants to eliminate the demand for these things (which is what I'm doing as an individual) as well as the conditions that provide the supply, as well.

Day 10 went by pretty well, and really contained nothign new to report.

 

I have all of those symptoms!! I'm 25 and wish i knew all about the risks of PMO when i was 16. I'm getting rid of my laptop so it will leave little chance for me to relapse. Might seem drastic to some, but i refuse to live like this any longer. Wish you all the best mate, you can do it.

 

A boring 'nothing new' day 10 report is good!

There's a lot to be thought about the politics of not just porn, but also what it reflects about the deep commodification of the individual. I've had bad fiending for hentai - anime stuff - today: no possible direct injury to anyone in its production, but surely as deeply corrosive to the soul (have you seen those guys taking out manga type pillows with them?!). I remember the fear I got reading Baudrillard's Simulcra and Simulation - we are I think dealing with a novel, and very serious societal, problem, each individually - and now, thankfully, together here.

Anyway, for now, I think focusing on overcoming the alienation of yourself from yourself is the right way. The amount of thought you've given this, there's no going back.

 

Wow, just read that article and it's a pretty revolting image. I remember stumbling across some of this old guy young girl stuff on streaming porn sites and it shocked me then (not in a good way) and reading about some 68 year old guy who flatly states that he only sleeps with women younger than 25 is just....despicable.

 

Junther: thanks.

Diablo: I appreciate the encouragement. If you think getting rid of your laptop will help you, I support the idea. I don't think we need to go all Ted Kacynski here, but some careful reflection on the role that these new types of technology play in our lives is well in order.

Joss: Yeah, day 11 was only marginally more difficult than day 10. I have sort of an unfair advantage, though, since I'm listening to serious amounts of Parliament-Funkadelic.

Commodification is certainly a relevant concept when it comes to porn. You'll constantly hear thoughtful anti-porn advocates using that idea. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, the religious anti-porn crusaders in the U.S.A. seem to have no problem with people being turned into consumer goods--that's not where there objection lies. I'm only familiar with Baudrillard's views in outline, but I do think it might be beneficial for me to properly read through it given the nature of this addiction. I know that a copy of that book is visible at some point in The Matrix film.

TheDude: yeah, speaking of commodification of women, this is a link to that article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/29/seeking-arrangement-college-students_n_913373.html . I would say that it's triggers-galore, but, it's my view that triggers are different for different people. There's actually a website that specializes in allowing rich men to hook up with young girls in need of dough. Now, I've been focusing on the "gender war" nature of this subject in my posts, and haven't met head-on the "class war" angle, which is certainly relevant to discussing pornography. But if you really want to see where the two "wars" intersect, that article is a good place to start.

 

I just read through this thread. Thanks for the great posts! I really agree with the idle internet time. That's what's been my weakness so far and I need to cut back. It doesn't make sense as I've got exams to revise for and stuff to practice but going without PMO seems to have given me a bit more motivation.

 

Thanks for posting your thoughts, Psychosis (and others). I agree that we all have to watch out for triggers, but knowing, and understanding, the culture's role in this whole thing is helpful.

Stay strong, Psychosis.

 

That really helps? Funk music is supercharged with sex!

 

DeathGrips: I think reading people's (or is it peoples'?) journals is the best way to stay motivated, as well as to gain an understanding of what problems lie ahead. Thankfully, this site is started to become really hopping, so there's lots of information out there. Quite a few of us are realizing that idling around in front of the computer isn't only inhuman in itself, but also tends to lead to relapses.

spinergy: I was going to say "you've no idea how much your encouragement means", but I'm sure that you do. thanks, man.

Anselm: Yeah, you need to let P-Funk into your life. "If you ain't gonna get it on, take your dead ass home".

I believe today is officially two weeks, which is the day on which disaster struck last time around. Disaster is nowhere on the horizon this time, though, since I'm unbelievably motivated to take this thing all the way to the end. As I move into the third week, this is uncharted territory. I realize any day now The Urge is goign to descend upon me, but I feel ready.

One of the other guys mentioned in his thread how he was on "autopilot" when he relapsed, so this is something I need to look out for in particular.

 

"Disaster is nowhere on the horizon this time, though, since I'm unbelievably motivated to take this thing all the way to the end."

And if you keep this thought on your mind... disaster will NEVER be on the horizon!

The strongest things in the world are love and hope, so find what you love... And never give up hope

You can do this man

 

"keep this thought in your mind"--that is essential. Be mindful, aware, present. Danger seems to lurk in euphoria as well as depression/anxiety. In both states, we're riding chemically-induced emotion, and thus susceptible to chemically-induced urges. Just MHO.

You've got the requisite attitude, Psychosis. Keep it up!

 

Thanks amigos.

I'm a bit surprised that I really haven't had any serious urges this time around. I suspect this is partly due to some of the gains I made during my last go, but it may augur more insidious/complex urges to be faced very soon. Regardless, I'm still pretty confident those will be shut down when the time arrives.

Here's some motivation for some of us that may have longer reboots in store for us due to longer histories of PMO: I was watchign some HBO documentary on euthanasia in the state of Oregon last night (Oregon is the only state in which the practice is legal), I forget what it was called. Now, although I'm not an activist or anything, I've been a pretty serious supporter of euthanasia for a few years now, and still definitely am. While watching this movie, which shows real people making the choice to end their lives as a result of having contracted horrible diseases, like ALS, I was overcome with emotion--so overcome, I couldn't carry on watching it. And let me assure you that this is not machismo speaking, but I never get teary-eyed while watching movies; but this was simply too much for me to take.

Although my reaction was no doubt complex (there was a great deal of happiness involved, since these people were suffering greatly and were going to be able to escape it easily), the simple fact that life is going to end very soon for all of us was probably the main ingredient. The clock is ticking, and this is the only life we are going to get; therefore, to relapse to pornography, and hence cause a delay in getting through this of even one more day, is immensely foolish. Looked at in this light, which is the truth, relapsing is sheer idiocy.

At the very worst, we go through a couple shitty months, four or five at the most, and then we can start really living our lives. There's no other option, really--it's this or the unpardonable idiocy of carrying on with PMO.

 

I couldn't agree more. Life is short yet full of things to experience, and it's definitely not worth wasting on a PMO addiction. I'm extremely positive that this summer will be the first one in many, many years that I won't regret.

 

I agree. I threw away 44 days and it felt so stupid. I was close to the required minimum (60 days) and blew it. Not only that, but I did it again the next day because I was so unmotivated about being at day 1 all over again. This site (and reading some journals, including this one) its giving me some motivation now. I just can't believe I'll be stupid enough to fail again. My life is pretty much on hold right now.

Even though the periods of abstinences probably qualify as gains, it won't feel like that until we (or just me) reach the 60-90 day mark. Not worth it to fail again. It's really only weeks away.

 

Very well said. I had an extended near-death-experience some time ago, which led me to pretty much that insight. Obviously I knew about it 'logically' before, but not by heart.

 

Well said, Psychosis.

 

This is a very precious experience to have: to understand the fleeting nature of life - it really is very short indeed. I've had epiphanies like this myself before and they have been hugely powerful and affecting - realising the fragility and preciousness of existence. What led me back to PMO was igorance - thinking that I was powerless against overwhelming sexual desire and that masturbation was the answer - and that porn just provided some useful assistance in satiating my desire. I think that's why for me YBOP was such a 'road to Damascus' moment: it showed me that everything I believed about PMO was wrong and gave me back the possibility of living an authentic life.

I always knew that it would be very unlikely that when facing death I would regret not having spent more time jacking off to extreme porn. Now - although I regret having wasted so much time, energy, money,life - at least I know that I won't have spent any more of my precious time on this pointless, poisonous activity.