There's a Party in My Pants...and Nobody is Invited.

Greetings friends,

I've been posting on a similar forum, but upon discovering this one, I've decided to move over here. Frankly, I like the vibe of this forum much better than the one I was at previously, which was filled with people wallowing in their misery. I'd like to give you some background, but won't go into a terrible amount of detail, since my situation is quite similar to everyone else's.

I'm 31 years old, but am unsure as to how long I've been addicted/heavily habituated to internet pornography. I was learning to masturbate a little bit before the time when the internet was beginning to be somethign in every person's household. Nevertheless, by the time I had my first actual sexual experience, I was already suffering from the erectile difficulties so common among hardcore pornography users--difficulty arriving at an erection, delayed ejaculation: and by delayed, I mean delayed. I put my first failure down to the usual suspects, cigarette smoking, weed smoking, "performance anxiety", improper diet, depression...whatever. For most of my sexual experiences after that first one, difficulties were more or less constant, but I persisted in my belief that it was something other than porn use causing my problems.

It must've been a couple of years ago when I came across an article in the U.K. newspaper The Guardian, which issued a damning report on the porn user. It was there that I came upon the idea that extensive porn use leads to sexual problems. A friend of mine at this time candidly admitted to me that he just couldn't get it up with a girl, and I knew that his porn use was heavy too. So, this inspired me to do a brief reboot (well before I knew what one was), only lasting perhaps 5 days. I began to have non-porn-induced erections, which I hadn't had for years. And yet, for reasons that I don't quite understand, I just went back to porn. Unsurprisingly, the problems came back too.

It was probably a couple weeks ago that I stumbled upon Your Brain on Porn, and my mind was utterly blown by it. The videos on how the addiction arises, as well as the series on how it can create erectile problems, slapped me in the face. I've read countless reboot accounts on that site, on some of the message boards and other websites (as well as a couple of books), and I'm now quite resolute in quitting this by means of a full reboot--no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm, nothing.

So, what I did was create a private journal, as well as a public one on another site (which will now primarily be this one). In the private journal, I wrote out what problems this has been causing in my life. I was brutally honest with myself, and I keep that list by my side in case an urge arises. The fact of the matter is, there are plenty of other embarrassments porn use has caused me in addition to those I've felt with female sexual partners. They are not fun to contemplate, and supply a pretty strong motive to complete the reboot.

Frankly, I'm sick of this shit, and want to get my life back together. Because this has caused problems in my life way beyond the merely sexual--inability concentrating, "brain fog", social anxiety, depression, an almost total lack of motivation, countless hours of my life wasted surfing and downloading shit, the list goes on and on and on.

Those of you in your early 20's/late teens--consider the case of a 31 year old, and take control of the problem now. Although the thought of the years wasted is horrifying to me, I have to admit that I feel a great sense of relief that after this reboot is done, I'll be a new man.

This is Day Six for me, and I haven't experienced anything resembling an erection since I started. Libido is nil. Resolution is still strong.

 

First of all: fuckin love the topic! ;D I'm glad you also found this forum; surrounding yourself with people (nevermind it's an internet forum) with shitty attitudes is setting yourself up for failure - as I'm sure you know

I wish you all the best and you definitively seem to be in the right mindset to beat this thang.

This is not even words of concern, I just want to mention the importance of staying aware that the addiction is going to cause strong urges in the most insidious ways possible. However, it will quickly pass as long as you stay focused on not letting it win. Do whatever - take cold showers, pushups like a crazy person you name it. It passes sooner rather than later!

I look forward to following your journey! (I'm on day 31 and counting)

 

Thanks a lot man!

I work out regularly, and I've found that to be extremely helpful thus far. But I totally am aware that the urges are going to become more insidious as time goes by. In fact, it's strange, but I was watching tv, and this little innocent cue brought up a porn flashback, and it was a bit difficult to remove. I've been using what I call the "Family Feud Technique", after a (horrible) game show that used to be on here in the States. Basically, when the contestant gets a wrong answer a big X comes on the screen, along with this obnoxious buzzer sound. I just throw the X up over the image and hold the buzzer sound for as long as I need to, and focus my attention on whatever object is in front of me. But I'm aware from reading many reboot accounts that it's going to start to get much more complicated than that, so it's good to have you remind me.

Congrats on 31 days, I'll read your thread when I get the chance. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

It's Day 7, I feel like shit frankly. My body is aching, but I might try to force myself to go for a run here in a bit.

The good news about feeling like shit, though, is that I've got no urge to M--in fact, the very thought of it fills me with loathing!

Still no libido. One of the things I've noticed, that a lot of people here seem to share, is the reappearance of vivid dreaming. Since I've started the reboot, I wake up every morning remembering my last dream in some detail. I never really had this before--except in the beginning of giving up cigarettes. I wonder what the connection is?

 

Thank The Lord God Almighty: I awoke briefly in the middle of the night with a full-blown non-porn-induced erection last night! The first I've had since I began my reboot, and a sure sign that I'm on the right path here.

The bad news is that I did experience during the day yesterday a most unwelcome urge while I was browsing youtube. It was very strange and had a quality similar to being on hallucinogenic drugs--and was very difficult to explain in ordinary English like the experiences one gets on those drugs. I of course had to shut my laptop immediately, and leave the room focusing on my breathing; shit like that. I dealt with it in an ok manner, I thought, but nonetheless I'm taking it as a sign of the battles to come.

So this is Day Eight for me, and the longest I've gone without PMO in quite some time.

 

Day 8 went really well, in the sense that I didn't have any urges to deal with. I've not been noticing yet any mood swings, but I kind of feel the clarity in terms of concentration and thinking that some people report. Since I've had this problem for 10 years or more, I think I'm probably going to have to go with a longer reboot, but I think I'm going to keep the process open-ended.

 

Day 10 is here, double digits! I've really nothing new to report, since it hasn't been that difficult thus far.

 

Is it simply because of the flatlining? Do you simply have no urges at all/not really all that aroused by the women you see around you or what?

 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm flatlining, if flatlining means you have no libido at all. I definitely had urges during the first few days, and a couple days ago I had a really intense/strange one...but since then I've really had nothing. Also, I've only had one erection since I've started, and that was in teh middle of the night.

 

i wouldn't get upset about the lack of erection and libido it's just the flatline and i think you should embrace it really. the lack of libido/urges just helps you allong in your reboot. i haven't had a really outspoken flatline (yet?) and that only made the first weeks harder (i'm at day 25 now).

anyway just hang in there i'm sure the erections will come back full force and so will the libido!

 

i have been reading lots and lots of the brain on porn website today - in fact i've pretty much read it all. one good description of flatlining i have come across is that the flatline is where our bodies have been for quite some time and any libido or erections we had were always porn induced. even at the start of the quit bouts of erections and libido will be this sneaky addiction trying to get us back into porn or masturbation. the flatlining will eventually reside as our normal natural libido comes back and the timescale for that will differ for us all. as others have said flatlining is the signal of improvment

 

Dilem: thanks for the encouragement.

geordie: interesting description of flatlining. I guess it was one of those concepts I just sort of brushed over, thinking it was this phase of libido-lessness during the reboot in which not even the urge for porn was present. Anyway, the latter seems to be what I have currently, and frankly I'm not sweating it too much. I'm a bit older than some of the guys here, and furthermore, I've been PMO'ing for quite a few years, so I'm not expecting a short reboot like some of the guys here.

 

This is DAy 11, I experienced briefly while reading a book on this subject some fairly intense urges to look at a website I used to frequent (incidentally, not a HC one). I managed to fight it off, but what was most interesting is that while the urge was occurring (which was really the thought of what I would see if I went to the site), I could almost feel the old neuro-pathways being ignited, giving me a rather pleasant dopamine high for a brief while. The high, of course, only further fueled my desire to click over to the site: a rather insidious manifestation of this addiction/compulsion/whatever.

At any rate, I've still got a long way to go here.

 

It's cool, man; you'll get it sorted out. I experienced something similar just now with extreme emotions. I got super excited about helping out friends and the first thing that popped into my head was to masturbate to handle the emotion. So, I prayed. I don't know if you're open to that, but it helps.

 

I appreciate the support sojourner. I'm not religious, but definitely appreciate it.

Day 12: Last night I had an extremely graphic sexual dream. It did not result in orgasm, but involved me having oral sex (receiving and giving) to some woman, the details are a bit sketchy, but that was definitely the main gist. The thing with porn is that you have sex with women vicariously, which if you think about it for 5 seconds, is rather ridiculous when you can just do it with women yourself. At any rate, I believe this is a distinction worth keeping in mind (even though it's so obvious), and I am attributing to this dream some level of importance for my recovery.

 

I remember my two first weeks away from porn, I dreamt about something sexually every night. But after a couple of weeks my dreams started to fade away and now I rarely remember my dreams at all, except from to night (nothing sexual). I took it as a sign that my reboot had started to work and my brain was aching after porn.

 

Well, my brain is certainly aching for something, as again today I had some significant urges to rub one out. It's not hardcore shit I find myself tempted to look at, but more softcore. I managed to fight off the urge by going out for a walk, and thinking about some of the members here who have made it months. I can feel my false libido trying to tempt me back into my illusions of pleasure, and think that this is going to be a lot trickier than I had originally thought. Also, I took today off of working out, so perhaps that played some role in the powerful urges I was having.

 

Thats good keep your mind off of sex. Its possible to not masturbate for long periods of time. The first 25 days of no PMO I had strong urgues to masturbate, vivid sexual dreams and 3 wet dreams. I'm on day 38 now, its much easier because I feel I have more control over myself. I still get the occasional urge to masturbate, but I'm at the point where I can barely imagine a woman naked, so I think my brain is starting to get a clue.

 

Thanks dude, I can't wait until I get up to 38 days.

This is my 13th day of no PMO. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, which will be the two-week point. The urge to rub one out to some soft-core shit is intense at moments, especially when I consider that I've probably saved up a pretty good O by this point (i.e. when you haven't came in a while it's more pleasant). For me this is one of the harder aspects of the urge to deal with.

It's important to keep the following in mind when this happens:

1. Masturbation is immature, especially when it takes the place of real sex.
2. Masturbation to internet porn is particularly strange, since instead of a real partner you are looking at flickering lights emanating from a hunk of metal.
3. The example of some of the guys in the forum who've gone for much longer periods of time without PMO is inspiring to overcome urges.

Later today I'm heading up to my local library to pick up a copy of Robert Jensen's book "Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity" (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Off-Pornography-End-Masculinity/dp/089608776X). I've thankful to live in one of the cities in America where we still have a good public library!

 

4. Masturbation will never lead to children.


Just one more reason to keep this thing going....at least for me.