There Must Be Some Way Outta Here...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by shirokis, Jan 15, 2015.

  1. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    I am eleven days into an attempted reboot. I've been wanting to start a journal since day two (the first day I learned that there was actually a community of people trying to kick this thing), but time and circumstances kept me from it, not least of which was that I was too tired and too afraid to put myself in front of a computer at night when nobody else was around so I could write. But here I am after four nights of insomnia, finally writing.

    I'm sorry this post will probably be long, since I've been thinking about it for ten days now. So first, how did I get here?

    I turned 50 last year, so perhaps that milestone has something to do with it. I've been married about fifteen years, have two kids (8 and 6)--one girl, one boy, and I love my family dearly. My life is pretty good. I've got a stable job that I enjoy and that supports a solid middle class lifestyle. My health is good, maybe even excellent, at least for my age. I've had my share of hard times, too, but generally I don't have a lot to complain about. Except, of course, that I am addicted to porn.

    I was no older than five, I think, when I got into visually-cued M. It was kid's cartoons--Daphne from Scooby Do, Veronica and Sabrina from Archies, and Josie and the Pussycats. Kinda strange to think about something seemingly so innocent as the start of my addiction, but I really think it's part of it. I did M a lot from that point on, adjusting the visual cues as I grew up, shifting from cartoons to real actresses like Emma Peel from the original Avengers, Catwoman, Batgirl, and even Batman and Robin in original Batman TV show (guys stopped turning me on after I reach adolescence), Wonder Woman, etc. Eventually a friend found his mom's stash of Playboy, prompting me to find my dad's own collection of Playboy and Penthouse. Not long after my older brother got the very first issue of Hustler, I hit adolescence, and that was it, I pretty much became a chronic masturbator. From that point on I MO'd pretty much daily, with or without porn. Obviously I prefered having porn, but almost any image of an attractive woman would do, even if the image was just my own memory of a cute girl I had seen that day.

    I never had my own porn stash pre-internet, though, even as an adult. I grew up without much money and to this day have a hard time spending money on stuff I can't justify (I've probably spent less than 50 dollars on porn in my whole life--if you don't count lost time and productivity, of course). But it didn't seem that actual porn was all that necessary--women dress provocatively enough and there are enough images of near-naked women on TV, in magazines, billboards, junk mail advertisements, etc. that I co
    uld always find something to get off with. Things went on like this all the way to my early to mid 30s. Then a good friend of mine got a subscription to Penthouse (which was now publishing pictures of actual penetration), which he would lend me. Around the same time the internet happened. And that's when it got bad.

    I know Gary's Ted talk and slide lecture draw a distinction between high speed internet porn and pre-highspeed porn, and I do understand what he means by that, but honestly even dialup access was pretty bad for me. I started spending hours and hours looking at and downloading porn. Sure, I hated waiting for the pictures to download, but that didn't stop me from spending hours doing it. Even with dialup I was anxious for my new wife to go to sleep or leave the house so I could PMO myself into oblivion. Of course, it got worse with highspeed--just so much easier to access.

    It didn't take me long to realize that this was actually a problem. I was involved in a drug policy group when I first got internet, so I was aware of issues of addiction, so it didn't take me too long to put two and two together to realize that I was addicted. I tried quitting and just couldn't do it. Sure, I could go a week or two without, but I craved it. And inevitably the moment would come when I'd find myself in front of a computer PMO'ing even as my logical brain was yelling STOP, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! One time I almost cried as I helplessly watched myself relapse. I felt totally disconnected from myself, as though I was just a ghost lurking over some once dear friend who no longer knew or cared that I existed. Totally demoralizing. Which, of course, just made the relapse that much more intense.

    Okay, so what prompted this reboot. I've been trying to kick this thing for a long time. I have done many one week stints without--these were usually just breaks taken without an actual intent to quit. I also have done maybe a dozen three to four week stints without. These were full scale, God, I hope I can kick this thing attempts, but I have always relapsed. I have tried a number of techniques. I tried religion--I was raised an atheist and have mostly been an agnostic, but I decided that if there was a religious power strong enough to help me kick this thing, then I would become a convert. My prayers to Jesus went unanswered. Hindu prayers and yoga also failed. Buddhist meditation seemed promising for about a week, then stopped helping. I also tried fining myself--tossing dollar bills into cactus bushes everytime I relapsed as an incentive to stop. When this failed, I upped it to five dollar bills, then ten. I just couldn't bring myself to drop twenties and fifties, so I gave up on this tactic too. Two times I was able to stop for a month on behalf of my children, but even that failed eventually. The suicide of my best friend stopped me for about a month one year, and the suicide of my brother stopped me for about a month another year, but that tragic magic wore off too. I also tried bribing myself with cannabis. I made a deal with myself that I would not PMO on any day I got high. This actually worked for a while, but my problem was that I just couldn't get high every day of my life. I'm one of those people who only enjoys pot when I do it occassionally. After a few days in a row I feel burnt out and want to stop. After three weeks of it (longest stretch in my life of daily pot-smoking), I was miserable, so I stopped. And immediately relapsed.

    Now I'm ten days into another attempt. I'm a bit more hopeful than in the past because I discovered YBOP and understand my situation a little better and also know now that there are a lot of people struggling with this and many people who have succeeded. Still, I've failed at this enough times to be pessimistic. But I desperately want to succeed. It's always so soul-deadening, but this last time has felt so much more so. Two weeks ago I found myself hiding with my tablet in my bedroom closet in the middle of night PMO'ing while my 6 year old son slept in the room on the other side of the door. We had a guest in our guest room, so I couldn't go to my usual spot, and this was the only place left to me (my son and I sleep in the same room, but different beds, because my wife and I both snore loudly, so this is the only way we can both get a good night's sleep). At one point, I thought I heard my son wake up, which broke the trance, and the horror of my situation sunk in. Would he notice the light coming from under the closet door? Would he come to investigate? What would I tell him? How would I explain? Eventually I realized that he was still asleep, so I finished up (yeah, even at that point, I felt compelled to finish) and went to sleep. But the next morning I woke up and decided this has to stop. How would I face my kids if they discovered me? What if my 8 year old daughter (who sleeps in my wife's room) woke up one night and found me PMO'ing in the guest room? How could I face her? The thought is almost too awful to bear. This is not the life I want to live. This is not who I want to be.

    So that morning I did a search for how to overcome porn addiction. I was not optimistic. I expected to find only Christian websites filled with a lot of moral ideology that I don't agree with and didn't think I could stomach. Instead I found YBOP, and suddenly I was hopeful.

    The first three days were pretty easy. I felt like a burden had been lifted off of me as I went around my business those first days. I smoked cannabis to kill the craving, which worked just fine, but by day four I was burnt out and tired of that, so I stopped. I found these forums and read a bunch, which got me through the next couple of days. I felt physically drained with headaches and lethargy for the next couple of days. I'm not sure if that was PMO withdrawals, tiredness from three days in a row of being stoned, or fighting a cold from my kids, but that was a miserable three days. That finally went away, and now it's been four nights in a row of insomnia. Don't know if the insomnia is part of withdrawals, or if it's the nagging need to start writing this journal, but I decided to get up and start writing.

    So here I am.
     
  2. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Welcome Shirokis, this is a good place for you. In my numerous reboots, the first two weeks are always the worse so you are getting close. There are a lot of success stories on this forum so read them often. Just remember why you are here and when tempted, imagine your children watching you.

    Best of luck.
     
  3. anew

    anew New Member

    Hi Shirokis and welcome to the forum. Sounds like you will fit in well. I'm finding that posting to my journal helps clarify and release issues from my mind as they arise. I believe that helped with the insomnia I experienced in the beginning. Here's to hoping it will work for you.
     
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Show me where those cactus bushes are, shirokis :)

    Seriously, great to have you on the forum :D You've got a compelling story - amazing how we arrive at this place.

    Keep posting, as we're all in this together :)
     
  5. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    11 days is great, that's the hardest bit IMO. You're now living the life you hoped for. Treasure it!
     
  6. Brian12

    Brian12 New Member

    Your fear of being caught is no way to live.........I too suffered this for years,hiding it from my family.time to end it for good ....choose...your family .......or evil porn......
    Have you got anything good from watching pirn all these years...has it improved your life in any way for the better.....has having a family brought you any joy....choose one
     
  7. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    Thanks all of you guys for the well wishes. I appreciate the support. Reading other journals, I know I'm probably going to need it.

    NCB, those cactus bushes are pretty thick--picked the worst I could find to make sure I couldn't go get that cash myself. And that was years ago, so you'd have a devil of a time finding it.

    Brian, thanks for the advice about keeping my family in mind. It's helping me right now since some of my work today brought up some triggers and now I'm fighting it all a bit in my head. Triggers suck. I'll probably write about that tomorrow.

    House feels empty now with my wife and kids out. Can't wait for them to get home, but in the meantime, I'm focusing on a beautiful sunset outside my window. Deep red/purple skyline, and about ten degrees above the horizon, Venus is blazingly bright. Funny that it should be Venus... Wondering if I will be able to do this without having to reject everything that beautiful evening star stands for.
     
  8. TommyH

    TommyH New Member

    Hey Shirokis,

    Welcome! Your story has a lot of familiar elements. I confess to crushes on those super heroines when I was young and tangling some of that into my adult fantasies as well. I guess it's why I bought my wife a Wonder Woman bracelet and robe at one point. ;-)

    The religion challenge is a tough one. I was raised Southern Baptist but as soon as i hit college, I started opening up my world to other beliefs (and non-beliefs) and have floated from agnostic to Unitarian to Buddhist since then. Buddhism has worked for me, personally, but we all need to find our own path. I will say one of the challenges I faced when trying to recover from this addiction years ago was that I ended up signing on for a combination site blocker/40 day online program that was steeped in Christianity. I hope it worked for a lot of men, but for me, there was far too much of putting my addiction in God's hands, giving it all to Jesus to fix, etc and I really feel like, regardless of what one believes, God wants us to do the heavy lifting in our lives, not just ask him/her to take it all away in exchange for a pledge of faithfulness.

    So, for me, that program was a bust. On here, there seems to be a general open-mindedness to whatever one does or doesn't believe, and I think that's healthy. Open minds and open hearts.

    I also hear you on what sounds like a parallel life: two kids, loving wife, good job, good health. I ask myself why I would need to chase down fantasies on the internet when I have so much of what people dream of having. I think it's part of an insatiable hunger for always needing just one more thing to be happy. And porn is insidious because "that next video" is never enough.

    When I would finish a marathon session of porn watching, I would be surprised at the length of my internet history list that i would have to delete to cover my tracks. Dozens of videos, some that I only watched for 10 seconds because I needed something more/different. And the conversations I had with female friends privately on Facebook? Embarrassing. They indulged my flirting, but now that it's been brought into the light, I'm really ashamed that I "went there" with women I respect and love. It was never lurid, but it was flirty and disrespectful of boundaries. I knew better, but i wanted more. More despite having it all.

    Welcome to this forum. You'll find a lot of like-minded men and women here who are all supporting one another on the journey. Good to have you aboard. Post often, and read about others' journeys as well. I find it to be incredibly helpful to know I am not alone.

    Stay vigilant. Keep going.
     
  9. Welcome to the forums Shirokis. I see a great deal of parallels in your story to mine, except that at a younger age - I've been able to access high speed internet for much longer.

    Two suggestions.

    A. Have you been open with your ife about your addiction? If not, have you considered it? If your habit is veiled in secrecy and you are a master at concealing it, then the thought probably sounds terrifying. However, it can also be a great lift to your journey and a big relief to have someone you love be on your side. You certainly don't need to indulge her in the ugly details - but having her support in fighting your addiction, knowing that it is good for you and yuour family can be a huge help.

    B. Have you seen a good cognitive therapist? Understanding of what how our addicted brains operate is getting better and better. Many therapist specialize in this kind of work and can help you with techniques that train your brain to start resisting urges. The more you use the techiques, the easier it becomes and the less you crave. You can even research and apply these techniques yourself (as I have after some failed sessions w/ a therapist) Two books I would recommend are: The Brain that Changes Itself, and The Marshmallow Test.

    The principles are that your brain is adaptive and capable of unlearning. It can learn (neurons that fire togther wire together) to unlearn your bad habits. You can skirt around your hot thoughts (pre frontal cortext, part of limbic system - primitive brain) by examining them with your frontal cortext and cooling your urges. This is done by evaluating temptations in rational terms, and creating automatic if/then scenarios once your urges kick in.

    Forum member Success has good quick to access resources on this type of thing.

    You are on a good streak. Don't give up. You have support around you and every reason to quit!
     
  10. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    Day 12

    Slept better last night, 7 hours. Not sure if the insomnia is gone or if I was just so exchausted after how many nights of little sleep, but I'll take what I can get. Woke up a couple times from dreams of me struggling not to gawk at hot women on the TV. This has definitely been one of my struggles lately, not letting all the technically non-porn stuff get me. It's hard. The world is just full of hot women, and I lust after them all. Maybe many here disagree (and I admit to being new and maybe naive about these things), but I don't think that porn is the cause of this endless lusting. I think it is just the human condition (or at least the male condition). Men have been struggling with their lust throughout all of history in all the world. Porn probably makes it worse and contributes to the way it dominates my consciousness and attention, but I think it is also something that is just there, and that I will have to come to terms with even if (when?) I conquer this addiction. I find that thought sobering.

    Early on in my reboot I found Gary's recommendation to cut out looking at all sexually attractive 2D visual stimula. This was a new strategy for me. In the past I had always continued to look at stimulating non-porn stuff during my reboot--Maxim life websites, google images of "hot chicks", TV shows, models in regular magazines or in catalogs, all that stuff. Good for a quick M and then I could move on. Didn't (or just refused to) recognize then that this was just leading me back to where I didn't want to be. So that recommedation gave me a lot of hope. I also was thankful to discover a post recommending that I stop gawking at the real women I see. Funny how obvious that should be, but I had never tried that before. I knew that I gawked and I knew that it was unsavory and disrepectful, but I had never given real effort to stopping.

    So armed with this idea I set out on my day excited that I was going to overcome this constant lusting. It was great. For the first couple days I was on this high, walking around, proud not to be gawking at women and feeling stronger because of it, feeling like conquering porn was going to spare me this lust in my life, and i would be able to live life fully without having to deal with a part of my brain just wanting to fuck the attractive women around me. It was great. It was also a revelation. I became very conscious of how much I gawked because I was constantly having to redirect my eyes and brain. Walking across the playground dropping my kids off trying not to look at every decent looking mom's ass, legs, arms, face. Driving down the street, noticing a jogger's shape a quarter mile away, and forcing myself to keep my eye on the road, not turning my head as I passed. Going to the store, the park, the post office. All these gawk routines running in my brain all the time. Took a lot of my attention to override them and shut them down. But I mostly succeeded, and it felt great.

    After three days of this, though, it wasn't so easy. I found myself slipping, losing the concentration required to monitor my gawking. Or worse, just losing to the part of my brain that said, goddamn it, just let me look you fuckin idiot, this one's hot. So the high of the start was replaced by the crunched up resigned feeling of knowing this was going to be a real slog, a real struggle. Am I really going to be able to get through life without looking at another's woman's nicely shaped butt? Do I really want to? It seems so joyless. I just love looking at women. Can I get to a point where I can be free of porn, free of addiction, free of whatever it is that has me in chains, and still be able to look sexually at a new hot women and enjoy that too? Can it really come down to a choice between Calvinism or hellfire? That just seems to suck so royally.

    Sigh...

    Okay day 12, bring it on. I think I'm ready.
     
  11. anew

    anew New Member

    Hello shiriokis,

    The all or nothing approach has helped me with addictions in the past. I intend to stay away from PMO altogether. In fact the all or nothing approach seems to be part of my personality. It hasn't always been a good thing. I've denied myself participation in many healthy, enjoyable activities because of fear not being the absolute best, for example, so I choose not to participate at all. And it has manifested itself in other self-defeating behaviors. That's not to say that it has no advantages. It can provide stick-to-it-ness, determination, even patience. It can make for a damn fine trait in an employee, actually, if you can get them to come to work.

    My current concern is the same as yours - where to draw the line in relationships with potential triggers that may also provide opportunities for enrichment, or include necessary involvement - like physical attraction - in order to, I don't know, fulfill the requirements of our humanity.

    This is a subject that I have considered before in the context of eating disorders. A person has to keep eating. It's the relationship to the food that is the problem. Or, money in itself isn't a problem; it's the love of money. There are many things that are good or neutral that a personal can develop an unhealthy relationship with.

    I've had the same realizations as you concerning gawking. To me it seems natural. It's the way we respond to it that can be problematic. Facebook may be a similar, if thornier, subject. It is for me at least. I'm thinking social media can provide a venue for us to explore our natural tendency for community. However, if it is indulged in to the extent that it begins to preclude real world relationships or as a means of unhealthy distraction, or is otherwise harmful, that's a problem.

    Anyway, still working on all of this and just wanted to let you know that someone else was seeking an answer to the same question. It always feels good knowing that one isn't alone in this. Thanks for raising the question.
     
  12. JoCola

    JoCola New Member

    shiriokis

    We are all starting a journey for better health overall, and you've just taken the first step in the healing process :)

    Everyone here will be available to support you!

    JC
     
  13. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    Not a bad day. Not the easiest, but nowhere near the worst. Of course, I still have to turn off this computer and go to sleep, but I don't anticipate any trouble there this night.

    hey easternpromise, my wife doesn't know, and I'm not ready to tell her yet. I worry she will take it the wrong way, see it as a reflection on her rather than on me. This has happened before on many things, so I want to spare her that, if I can. But she's not totally naive about porn. When we were younger we looked at a little together and then used it as a basis for our own role play. And one time she walked in on me while I was browsing and kinda shrugged it off, This was dialup days, and before I fully realized what a problem this was, so it's obviously different now. But I feel like this isn't the time for it. Maybe I'm wrong, but for now, I don't think I am ready to share.

    Hey TommyH, there is a great deal of wisdom in Buddhist teaching and practice, but it's also part of a complex family history for me, so perhaps that contributed to its ineffectiveness in my case. But I know so much more now, so I might revisit it if I feel it will help. Breath and meditation are probably good tools to have in the toolbox, no matter what name you give them.

    anew, thanks for your thoughts and for letting me know I'm not alone on this particular question. I've never been a fan of all or nothing approaches. It smacks of an absolutism that rubs me the wrong way based on personal philosophy as well as some more family history. Plus I have my own intense streak of perfectionism, which all or nothing tends to bring out and make worse. A more flexible view has served me pretty well in the past in all the various types of things I've wrestled with. But of course, this PMO addiction/lust thing is unlike any of those other things, since it's the only one I can't just walk away from at will.

    Ah, so much to learn...
     
  14. TommyH

    TommyH New Member

    Shirokis,

    Believe me, I understand the family history/aversion to religion thing. Follow whatever path you need, and yes, take the word Buddhism out of the equation, and just breathing and being mindful are powerful scientific tools toward calming the mind, regardless of labels.

    As for the all or nothing equation you mention, I am being asked to "up my game" by my sponsor. In the past, I could argue that if I wasn't on a porn site, I was behaving. But this time around, I've learned that even going to the coffee shop and glancing at a girl's legs (I'm a leg/foot guy) is objectification, and I need to put some stakes around that behavior. Not because a passing glance is in and of itself wrong, but because those of us who are dealing with addiction are faced with a slippery slope and we're always just a step away from a greater fall. So, what would be innocent behavior for Joe Schmo is, for me, something that could take me one step closer to screwing up, hurting my wife, and being back at Square One. I don't want that, so I'm taking greater steps this time to modify my behaviors, both online and in person. (To that end, I had to acknowledge that, for me, going to a yoga class was as much an exercise in voyeurism as it was just plain exercise, so I practice at home now.)

    Can you never notice a beautiful woman again? Probably not. I watched the Golden Globes last weekend and was just agog at all the beautiful actresses, but I tried to stop my brain from judging them solely on their looks, holding them to the same standards I held the men to: talent, eloquence, personality, etc rather than how hot they were. It's something we have to retrain our brains to do, but it's helped me realize how often I judge people on their looks, largely because I felt so judged as a kid/teen by mine (I was the awkward kid, who grew up to be okay, but the fear-of-awkwardness has never really left me, so I constantly feel judged, and therefore, i do some judging too.) Trying to rewire all that thinking.

    This was a bit rambling, but I hope it helps. Keep posting. Keep going. You can do this.
     
  15. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    Day 13

    Realizing I am spending as much time on YBR as I used to on PMO, maybe more. Hoping this is just a phase to help me through the beginning rough spot of my reboot but have some fear that this could become as compulsive as my prior life was. I understand that even that would be better than my prior life since I won't be messing up my brain the same way as I was, but still, part of the reason I am kicking this thing is to reclaim the time dimension of my life, so if this site just becomes a substitute for those sites, I think my joy of recovery will be limited. So I can't help wonder, can I journal enough to support my recovery while still having time to do the things I am giving up PMO to do? And can I do this while also giving support to others in the community? I hope so.

    I can't decide if I want to post a counter. I think I understand the benefits. But I also don't want to get obsessed with the number. Also, as I think about how many days I go without, I find myself wishing I could be at some number higher than I currently am. Then I step back and think, hey what I'm actually doing is wishing I was x number of days in the future, which is like wishing I was x number of days older, which is like wishing away a chunk of my remaining days of life. But I don't want to wish away any chunks of my life. I like having life and want to have as much of it as I can, not have it disappear so I can accomplish some goal. Can I have a counter and still Be Here Now? Is having goals inconsistent with living in the now? No, that can't be right. Goals. I thought about having a counter and setting a goal number. But then I couldn't decide what number. Set it too high and I risk getting discouraged if I repeated don't make it and then just giving the F up. Set it too low and I risk hitting the goal and "rewarding" myself for hitting the goal with some PMO. Obviously that'd be crazy. I dunno, maybe I'm just mentally masturbating, since I'm not physically masturbating anymore.

    Well, since I am counting now anyway, even if I don't have a counter, what would trigger a reset and what would be okay. Right now here are my thoughts for what's okay, what's not. Obviously these are subject to change if I find they aren't working out and as I learn more and gain more experience in this.

    No PMO. No SubMO. RS totally fine. Straight M--trying to avoid, but won't reset my counter, unless I start doing it frequently (exact meaning of this term still not defined) or if I find from experience that it leads to PMO relapses.

    Okay, time to greet the day. It's lovely outside, and it's Saturday, which means I get to spend time with my kids. God, I love the way they smell when they wake up in the morning.
     
  16. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    Hey Tommy, I was also an awkward teen, and I know that all those years of rejection (real or perceived) continue to fuel my lust and feelings of inadequacy. Nothing intelligent to say about it now, but I just wanted to bond with you on that, I guess.
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey shirokis,

    You are coming to the same realizations many of us have. I too have struggled with the amount of time I spend reading and writing entries. Some days the words flow easily, and I won't spend an hour trying to get it right. But even when it does take that long, I think about how many times two or more hours would fly by while searching for the perfect video. So obviously if it's a tradeoff, writing beats surfing. Your posts have been great; I hope you keep sharing your thoughts. But if you feel you need a break, or want to check in with a few sentences or so, that's perfectly understandable. Write when it feels right.

    As for the counter, I agree, it can be just another thing to obsess over. But it doesn't have to be. For me, losing it for awhile and relying on my self-discipline to monitor my progress (or give up monitoring it and just live my life without worrying about it) was a bust. I was still obsessing over my struggles, but losing the daily battles more often. And yes, that was partly because I felt the accountability factor was gone. Accountability to your peers works for many people.

    We're in this pretty deep, or we wouldn't be here. In my book, any tool that helps shake the habit is welcome. And though the counter can be a reminder of your setbacks, those reminders can also help solidify your resolve. I wouldn't worry about it. If you feel the need, start one up. If you don't, don't. The important thing is to be conscious of the steps you're taking to shake the addiction. And you sound very conscious to me.
     
  18. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    Day 14

    Decided to go for the counter. Can always drop it if I decide it's become a barrier.

    Desire to PMO very intense the past two nights. Last night right before I started to put the kids to bed, images from some of my favorite recent P scenes started flashing in my brain from out of nowhere. Caught me off guard, and I had a terrible time getting my mind focused elsewhere as I put the kids to bed. The suddenness and the intensity with which this desire to PMO hit me was something else. Don't think that's happened to me before--or maybe I never noticed because I always gave in. Or maybe this is the way the beast behaves when it's trying to keep itself alive. I dunno. But fortunately, I had agreed to spend some time with my wife after we got the kids to sleep (often she just reads for a little bit then goes right to bed, and then I sneak off and feed my addiction), so I had something to keep me from going that route, which was a good thing.

    My wife tweaked her neck about a week ago, so I had offered to give her a neck, shoulder, and back rub. Earlier in the day she had made some suggestive comments about us maybe hooking up that night, but then we both mentioned how tweaked her neck was and agreed it was unrealistic and wouldn't be a good idea. A part of me was glad about that. I have never had ED from this thing--hadn't even known porn addiction could lead to ED until I found YBOP (my heart goes out to all you guys dealing with that), but I was a bit worried that maybe an attempt to reboot could trigger episodes of ED as part of the flatlining I've been reading about. Didn't want to test that possibility so was a little glad that her tweaked neck gave me cover to keep this back rub rated G.

    In the end it wasn't G rated, and we managed to hook up without retweaking her neck, so flatlining doesn't seem to be a problem (at least not yet), so I'm relieved about that. But today it's been a little harder to keep my mind off of sex, P or Psubs, and to avoid gawking. Maybe this is the chaser effect I saw mentioned in some posts. Hope it goes away quickly. If I wasn't writing this journal entry, I can imagine what I'd be doing instead. Thank you, YBR and everyone, for being here for me right now.

    Now, the next challenge. Getting from clicking the Post button to my bed and sleeping without incident. Crazy that something so simple can be so hard.
     
  19. shirokis

    shirokis New Member

    World just seems filled with landmines. Was looking for info on how to network better for work and business. Found what seemed a great recommendation for a podcast that talked about how to be effective in social situations, so I went to check it out. Turns out it's about picking up women. Not sleazy stuff, actually decently positive, but still the focus was off from what I wanted, and it sent my brain down fantasy lane for a spin before I could shake it out of my head. Ugh.
     
  20. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    shirokis, the unintentional triggers are everywhere. Trying to be good in our society is difficult. The other day I was at the gym and some beautiful ladies were in my area in skin tight gear. I moved to the free weights section where it is usually just guys working out.

    TRIGGER ALERT! This lady had her elbows on a bench, feet on the floor, a weight bar across her lap and was thrusting the bar up and down with her hips. END TRIGGER ALERT!

    What's a guy suppose to do?
     

Share This Page