I finish a binge of a few terrible categories of porn that shouldn't be available on the internet, I let the numbness settle over me after the 4th-5th mo. I tell myself there was nothing I could do as I had lost all motivation to do anything else in life besides watching sadistic porn. Then all of a sudden the motivation comes back, "you can do it this time" says the voice in my head, "you were just stressed out", "you just had too much to drink", "you had too much caffeine". As though I will never be stressed again for the rest of my life. Yeah well fuck you useless voice of naive motivation, give it a few days and I'll lose all interest in a meaningful life once again, then the high, then the numbness, and on and on. I used to be motivated to stop because I felt bad for some of the "performers" and wondered why they would ever consent to something so degrading and violent, why they would allow someone to stomp on their face, kick them in the nuts, or whip them until they buckle at the knees, all content that is readily available on good old porn hub. I don't feel anything any more, this world is so depraved and disgusting, still too cowardly to take an easy way out though . At least I can turn my brain off occasionally and pretend reality doesn't exist perhaps alcohol will be the numbing agent of choice tonight.