Entry written 4/11/2017. Posted 5/11/2017. Day 2/120 (1.67%) This is the second day of me quitting pornography. The Milestone I’ve decided to aim for is 120 days which is roughly 4 months. Obviously I want to quit pornography forever however this is how long I plan on remaining abstinent from both girls and guys for (there is ambiguity about the exact nature of my sexual orientation and whether my attraction to guys is purely fetishised humiliation or whether there is something down there below all the porn mess). My goals here: I’ve always wanted to be a ladies man who bangs a lot of chicks and is considered ‘manly’ and ‘attractive’. However I think at this point I just want to experience an intimate relationship. I have found this difficult in the past- I would rather masturbate and stay stuck in fantasy then risk myself emotionally with women. On those occasions where have got myself into a dating situation, girls have complained that I am just with them for their ‘assets' and they're right to complain- that is typically what I'm focused on. My fetishes vary on an escalating scale of humiliation going from women laughing at me to being sexually dominated by other men hence why I’m a little confused about my orientation at the moment. I recently had sex with a pretty dominant gay man with large penis who I hooked up with on Grindr however the whole thing was about me being made his bitch- it was live action porn as opposed to real sex. It wasn't something that interested me on an emotional level. So it is also very important for me to defetishise my sex life so I am not so incentivised to view myself as humiliated and worthless as well as bring clarity on my sexual orientation. My dream scenario is that my appetite for these fetishes evaporates and I can be satisfied by just sex with pretty girls where I can feel fulfilled by just vanilla stuff. I have always found it difficult to cum when having sex with girls and I often get bored sexually quite quickly after the initial novelty wears off either wanting to see the next girl or engage in humiliation. If I can have a real, genuine relationship with someone where the sex just feels intense and amazing then it would already be a huge step up on anything I’ve had so far in my life. Today: I had sex with this guy from grindr on Thursday (two days ago) and I was still thinking about a lot today although I interrupted myself well as I started to get hard. I also felt pretty hopeless a few times but lifted myself up and remembered that this is possible and something I need to do. I’ve also been pretty anxious about my sexuality, on a level I don’t want to be bisexual because it doesn't work within my self-image however if I reframe I feel less beat up because to be someone who is a free spirit that is non-judgemental and generally open about sex does feel good to me. So if I am into boys as well as girls (I was not before pornography) then this is fine as long as it is enacted aside from the humiliation aspect. I think for now its not something I have to confront as I can’t know until after reboot (my fetishes have faded in the past as I’ve avoided porn for longer periods) but I think I should accept that its a possibility I will still be attracted to men although I imagine, and hope, that it would be in a much different way. Finally I have made conscious efforts to stop ogling women at any time in general. I have a tendency to hypersexuflise women when I see them and make conscious evaluations about the body and consider instantly whether they make me horny or whether I’d enjoy fucking them. This has also helped in stopping me from trying to consider whether every hot girl I see finds me attractive which I think will make me less self-conscious. Already I noticed a little difference when I made random eye contact with a pretty girl in my hostel (I’m travelling) and I was taken aback by how her face made me feel. This is a good for start for me and there will be many more days to come (118 to be exact) and lots of challenges. I’m excited to be proactive and back writing a diary online and I think this time, given the time of year (I have an easier time in the summer) and my better social life and how I’ve been forced to face this again with my recent sexcapade, I think I can gain the upper hand on my addiction.