The way to real life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by SalmonRoll, Nov 4, 2017.

  1. SalmonRoll

    SalmonRoll New Member

    Entry written 4/11/2017. Posted 5/11/2017.

    Day 2/120 (1.67%)

    This is the second day of me quitting pornography. The Milestone I’ve decided to aim for is 120 days which is roughly 4 months. Obviously I want to quit pornography forever however this is how long I plan on remaining abstinent from both girls and guys for (there is ambiguity about the exact nature of my sexual orientation and whether my attraction to guys is purely fetishised humiliation or whether there is something down there below all the porn mess).


    My goals here:

    I’ve always wanted to be a ladies man who bangs a lot of chicks and is considered ‘manly’ and ‘attractive’. However I think at this point I just want to experience an intimate relationship. I have found this difficult in the past- I would rather masturbate and stay stuck in fantasy then risk myself emotionally with women. On those occasions where have got myself into a dating situation, girls have complained that I am just with them for their ‘assets' and they're right to complain- that is typically what I'm focused on.

    My fetishes vary on an escalating scale of humiliation going from women laughing at me to being sexually dominated by other men hence why I’m a little confused about my orientation at the moment. I recently had sex with a pretty dominant gay man with large penis who I hooked up with on Grindr however the whole thing was about me being made his bitch- it was live action porn as opposed to real sex. It wasn't something that interested me on an emotional level. So it is also very important for me to defetishise my sex life so I am not so incentivised to view myself as humiliated and worthless as well as bring clarity on my sexual orientation. My dream scenario is that my appetite for these fetishes evaporates and I can be satisfied by just sex with pretty girls where I can feel fulfilled by just vanilla stuff.

    I have always found it difficult to cum when having sex with girls and I often get bored sexually quite quickly after the initial novelty wears off either wanting to see the next girl or engage in humiliation. If I can have a real, genuine relationship with someone where the sex just feels intense and amazing then it would already be a huge step up on anything I’ve had so far in my life.


    Today:

    I had sex with this guy from grindr on Thursday (two days ago) and I was still thinking about a lot today although I interrupted myself well as I started to get hard. I also felt pretty hopeless a few times but lifted myself up and remembered that this is possible and something I need to do. I’ve also been pretty anxious about my sexuality, on a level I don’t want to be bisexual because it doesn't work within my self-image however if I reframe I feel less beat up because to be someone who is a free spirit that is non-judgemental and generally open about sex does feel good to me. So if I am into boys as well as girls (I was not before pornography) then this is fine as long as it is enacted aside from the humiliation aspect. I think for now its not something I have to confront as I can’t know until after reboot (my fetishes have faded in the past as I’ve avoided porn for longer periods) but I think I should accept that its a possibility I will still be attracted to men although I imagine, and hope, that it would be in a much different way.

    Finally I have made conscious efforts to stop ogling women at any time in general. I have a tendency to hypersexuflise women when I see them and make conscious evaluations about the body and consider instantly whether they make me horny or whether I’d enjoy fucking them. This has also helped in stopping me from trying to consider whether every hot girl I see finds me attractive which I think will make me less self-conscious. Already I noticed a little difference when I made random eye contact with a pretty girl in my hostel (I’m travelling) and I was taken aback by how her face made me feel.

    This is a good for start for me and there will be many more days to come (118 to be exact) and lots of challenges. I’m excited to be proactive and back writing a diary online and I think this time, given the time of year (I have an easier time in the summer) and my better social life and how I’ve been forced to face this again with my recent sexcapade, I think I can gain the upper hand on my addiction.
     
  2. SalmonRoll

    SalmonRoll New Member

    Day 3/120 (2.5%)

    I about to go to bed right now and am pretty knackered so will keep this one brief.

    I was lying in bed this morning and last night and memories and thoughts about Thursday kept popping up, either inadvertently or through self-analysis, which made me horny. I was pretty dilligent in remaining on top of the frame- that what I'm doing here is important. I will never know my true sexuality or experience real intimacy until I give my brain space to re-adjust to the real world and playing Thursday over or 'testing' how and what affects me is only counterproductive. The point, at this point, is to allow for time without porn & fantasy and then slowly my responses to things in the real world can show me where I'm at- ie how I felt after something that would have previously triggered one of my fetishes or how aroused I am just talking to a girl etc. There is basically nothing to to be deduced at the moment, got to wait and see for a few weeks and even then be careful not to over-analyze.

    I kept up with trying hard not to sexualize random girls I don't know, even doing my best to avoid focusing at all on people who are walking past or near me unless I have reason to engage socially. This definitely highlights a contrast to how I often spend my time scanning rooms and streets for people and rating there attractiveness. This could either women I'd like to fuck or collect (ie date for the egoboost) or even men who I would compare my own attractiveness too ie who is more appealing to women. So this is adding the benefit of making me saner and less superficial.

    I actually met up with a quite attractive female friend of mine who I've had a little sexual tension with when we met before so I wasn't too sure on how good an idea it would be. It was actually a lot of fun, she's got a great personality and on one occasion I did feel genuinely turned on by her as a person although this faded quickly. We ended up talking about a lot of personal stuff and I opened up to her about my porn addiction although obviously did not offer specifics. Unfortunately I did break my streak and started sexualizing her, she wears tight clothes and has a good body. I actually began thinking that I would try and fuck her if the moment opened up and began to get frustrated that it wasn't happening. Afterwards I realized this was silly as the whole energy of our conversation was friendly and not sexual and more importantly my major focus and goal at the moment is fucking abstinence!
     
  3. SalmonRoll

    SalmonRoll New Member

    Day 4/120 (3.33%)

    Today was not too difficult from an arousal perspective. My sexual desire too watch pornography has gone down from the previous few days. A few times I got a little horny about my more extreme fetishes but I don't recall it being too much or me walking around trying to push back down an erection. I did end up talking with this adorable girl at work who I think we're both into each other. She's really sweet and pretty and I feel very comfortable around her. I ended up feeling a little bit horny towards her but I'm not going to beat myself up over that as I genuinely like her personality and I didn't over-sexualise her. I did think about asking her on a date but I don't know if this is a great idea as I plan on remaining celebate from everything for 4 months. Maybe if it was serious and I could be honest with her. The problem is though, with thinking about her like this is it puts me at risk emotionally and I don't know if I could take a painful rejection at this point.

    Today has been challenging emotionally. I remained on top of myself during the day however during work I was starting to feel a bit beaten down (I don't have the most fun job tbf but it does suck my time well). It was after work when I came back to the hostel to have food I ended up talking to a girl I used to flirt with. This is kind of weird for me because I'm not really attracted to her that much but I still want her- she's quite tall and classically pretty so I think its more about me trying to prove myself then anything and I'm kind of being an asshole about it, clearly flirting with her and raising tension and also trying to act like I don't give a fuck about her if all the time. I think I'm intimidated by her so am playing games to try and prove how I am super alpha and attractive- it may also be why I'm not aroused, I'm not being genuinely myself and don't believe that she would actually want to have sex with me. Aside from this tangent haha, I was starting to get super bitchy and easily offended after that. I was getting unreasonably pissed off with the friends who I'm going out with tomorrow during the day and when one was rude to me after I was rude to them I started going on in my head about how they don't respect me and view me as beta. I also feel like I'm forgetting a bit why I'm doing this and I think is ultimately the trade off and difficulty as time goes by. The porn urges become less frequent but so does the motivation and readiness to combat it time extends from the decision to quit. The trick is trying to remember why your doing it and always remain humble and cognizant that the addiction could strike at any moment.

    So I'll write a little reminder for myself: If I want real relationships and intimacy and if I want to experience a world where not everything is about desire and hunger then I have to remain committed and always aware that, for the rest of my life, my addiction is stalking me, whether right in my face or creeping around the corner, ready to take it all away.
     
  4. SalmonRoll

    SalmonRoll New Member

    Day 5/120 (4.17%)

    Today was not a great day from a sexualising or well being perspective but I didn't come too close to the edge. I went to this event with some friends that was full of beautiful women wearing tight clothing. I lasted a little while but eventually I started checking out asses and staring at the beautiful faces. This friend who I said I flirt with but don't genuinely like but am pretty insecure around was there and she was pushing her body into me when they first came. This was nice but I don't know if this was properly genuine as she's pretty flirty with a lot of guys and I think I was too scared to try and make a move on her. I drank and smoke today even though I was supposed to have quit however I kind of see these as a layer of protection as if I'm feeling hopeless, stressed and/or bad about myself then its a domino that can fall first before the pornography.

    I ended up hitting a good mood a few times. I find when I am trying to get people to like me they don't but when I sit back and give them room to express themselves and allow myself to genuinely take in their personality and subsequently like them, they like me back. In the taxi on the way back the girl I mentioned before was talking with another girl about meeting up with these other guys after I'd been talking about going out somewhere after. This made me feel bad about myself, like I wasn't fun enough to hang out with and that these people are cooler. This pissed me off and, whilst I was not actively being a dick to the two girls (I completely accept their right to choose who to hang out with), I stopped trying or wanting to talk to them. I paid for the taxi and the other girl said she'd get me a pizza in return. I then bumped into her at the hostel where she was carrying a bunch of pizzas and asked if she got me one and she just looked at me and said 'no.' This upset me a lot and I felt disrespected. But for me, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and it launched a bit of a fire in me.

    I decided I was going to have fun tonight no matter what so I went down to the nearest bar with a friend of mine and ended up to talking to this stunning girl I knew from before. Its odd because there's no sexual tension between us but I was a little bit nervous and trying to game her anyway for my ego and some purely visual fucking. I think she just isnt my type though as she's incredibly laid back (in a way that I would definitely like to learn from her). I then started talking to this cute Israeli girl who happened to be staying in my room at the hostel. We hit it off pretty well and ended up watching half of a movie in my bed but nothing physical happened, I wanted to but was worried I couldn't pull it off (she'd reject me or be weirded out) and we had to be quiet as it was late. I don't know if this is a bad thing because it could send my ego sky high again which does leave me vulnerable to emotional crashes and subsequent heavy pornography use. Also it would violate my abstinence if we did some sexual stuff but I guess its not like I haven't been sexualising girls today anyway.

    Haha I was supposed to write porn urges today but have just ended up writing about girls. Its odd for me because I can be pretty good at talking to girls and to be a little cocky they often say I'm good looking but I find it so difficult to physically escalate. This is something that I hope will improve for me as I get more turned on by real girls during and after reboot and I'll start to get so horny the urge for physical contact outweighs the fear. I actually think my fear of physical escalation was one of the reasons I pursued the gaydom hookup is that I knew this wouldnt be a barrier to my gratification- I was guaranteed to have some in person sexual satiation, I wouldn't have take much initiative like with girls. The main reason i actuallu decided to turn to it was that I was incredily hungry for gratification but felt powerless to make that happen with a woman.

    I think about my kinks a little bit and considered masturbation before my more positive experienves this evening- this experience with the Israeli is the reason I've rambled so much, I'm on a high- and i think if I didn't go down and chat with/ make new friends then I would have been at a much higher risk. Before I got angry after being slighted I was sat in my bed experiencing feelings that I am a loser who girls don't really like and whilst the porn urges didn't come in strong that's a place I may have reached eventually.

    This is just a thought vomit that isn't really coherent but fuck if it matters, another day closer!
     
  5. SalmonRoll

    SalmonRoll New Member

    Day 6/120 (5%)

    1/20 of the way there woop woop. Obviously still early on into it and I'm still riding the same motivation boost that bought me to a serious attempt at quitting so theres still a loooooong way to go. I'll just keep it brief today as its late and i need sleep.

    I dreamt about having a threesome with this girl I tried to have sex with but couldn't get hard enough (I had gone a week without porn but was smashed off my face) a couple of months ago and some random other girl. This was interesting to me as it wasnt fetishised at all really. However the next dream was her talking about banging her boyfriends and 'rejecting' me in real life after I go chasing after her for a relationship so boom back to the fetish. Was a little down this morning, went to work was thinking about a few girls I know a lot but not overly sexual. I did think about maybe jacking off when i got home whilst I was at work however I knew this wouldn't happen and I wasn't to serious about it. I flirted with this girl I met yesterday a lot this evening (it took me a while to warm up into it) but I started to get real horny I was physically touching her. She wouldn't kiss me when I tried but she still seemed super excited by me- i think she thinks I'm a little too cocky. Either way I had a great time. If I'm hitting it off with a great girl and we like each other I don't if its reasonable to expect myself to not do anything with them. Perhaps I should do it but just run the risk that if I aint getting hard when it gets down, no porn fantasy is coming to the rescue, gotta suck that shit up.
     
  6. SalmonRoll

    SalmonRoll New Member

    Day 8/120 (6.67%)

    I've already made it through one week with no crisis points this is pretty good so far. I'm sure, however more challenging times will be ahead particularly as right now I'm in pretty good spirits. Often times its when I crash after a good period emotionally that I have turned to pornography in the past when trying to quit, sort of trying to claw back to those good feelings I had. The twist is, despite the temporary high using pornography takes me further away from those good times.

    The girl that I was trying to kiss who I mentioned before, I still flirted with a lot. Unfortunately I tried again and she firmly said no. Its odd to me because she told me she thinks I'm really good looking and 'the funniest guy ever' and when I touch her she leans into me and acts like she wants me to escalate, I was evening touching her ass and boob a little when we were just fucking around and she was giggling like crazy. It pissed me off a lot (I HATE HATE HATE being rejected like that, it makes me feel like I want to cry). We talked a little about it and I think its an issue on her end but I basically said I want to stop seeing her (she's leaving soon anyway). I was pretty calm about it and let her know I wouldn't hold a grudge but it wasn't fair for me.

    Despite this I've still been pretty calm. I've dabbled a tiny bit in my fantasies (in my head i mean) but its more been out of boredom and habit and 'testing' than addictive compulsion. I've largely kept on top of it though and nothings sent a rod of pleasure through my cock (perhaps this is part of a flatline). I think it is important to remember that testing is ludicrous at this point- I know after this amount of time in the past that porn fantasy will still get me off massively if I go there nothing will change here. I guess the main goal in what I find attractive though is not to completely rid any inkling of these porn fetishes but rather to get to a point where real girls will satisfy me sexually. It might be worth mentioning also that i jerked off like 5 times after my grindr hookup and twice the day before but before that it was like 2 weeks so I might be a little ahead of the curve than what I'm used to after 8 days.

    Still its a long long way to go and I feel less vigilant on checking girls out in public. I think the main thing is to keep writing this diary and start filling my time with more other stuff. My active social life has been a huge help so far but I think maybe some extra hobbies would be an added bonus, particularly if a lot of my friends leave the hostel etc. Just an added note, I think with this girl I was flirting heavily with my arousal is okay as there was no fantasy about her and my erections came from a connection in the moment more than anything. Obviously if we'd had sex it might be a different story as I could be very tempted to use porn fantasy if my dick wasnt working. This is something I'll have to consider something else like this comes up.
     

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