The way out is through!

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Johannes, Oct 23, 2012.

  1. Johannes

    Johannes New Member

    I‘m about 40 years old and I’m addicted to pornographic material from the internet for about 14 years. Already 8 years ago I developed ED, 6 years ago I stopped to sleep with my former girlfriend. At this time I did not try conscious to get rid of that “bad habit”
    [at this time I did not knew anything about the connection between watching porn and ED – at this time I did not conscious knew, that I had developed ED. I blamed my lost “sexual appetite” on a stressful job-situation, on the “dynamic” between me and my girlfriend and even on her appereance. I was SUCH an idiot!]
    Two years later she spitted up with me.

    From this moment on [4 years ago!] I tried conscious to get rid of my addiction. That’s my story in a short version.
    But if I view at my development from my childhood on, I have to recognize that the whole thing is much more worse and essentially I always had a very bad approach to sexuality. Because of that I will publish my whole story at the next days. I don’t think that my whole story will bore you.
    About one year ago I found and I have read many of your storys. This empowered me very much! I had a good run last autumn – but failed in winter, got “lost” in spring and started new trials in summer. So here I am!

    I think that every man writes down his story at first for himself ad in a second line for others. Every reader can find many things in other storys, which would help him – even if every destiny is one of a kind.

    Writing down my story is a big help for me, to reflect my addiction. Writing down is a big help for me too, to realize my big sobriety of this attempt to me. At the first day of my new attempt I started to write down my story. Now more than 14 days are gone. As I mentioned, I’m not a “newbie”, but more than often I failed after 2 weeks. Because of that it makes just sense, to report to you, if this 2 weeks are gone. Now I will step to times of sobriety, which are more worth to me. I rarely hit the 40-days mark and I never trespassed the 45-days mark. But I have a different feeling to this new attempt. I’m just bound to my own decision to hit the 90-days mark. The last attempts were too much bound on expecting real sex with girls. Now the real girls are there, but in a very “friendly way”. Not the “ let’s just be friends” type and not the “c’mon guy, what’s up to you” type – and I worked for this! Everything with them is quite ok – but I can’t effort another relapse ;)

    Ok, at first I say hello to you...

    Next days I will post about…

    my actual feelings and my – I hope so – progress.
    Publish some “chapters” of my career as an addict.

    Good luck!
  2. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    Hello Johannes,

    I am not a "newbie" either... been at this for quite a many years, even though I haven't done so good.

    I am sorry to hear about the situation with your former girlfriend :( I screwed up a lot of relationships, too, because of porn.

    Looking forward to reading more of your story as you post it in your journal.


    P.S. -- I will keep an eye on your journal, to see how you are doing.
  3. Johannes

    Johannes New Member

    I have tried to write my story in a chronological way. By writing and even translating I had some mental leaps and I try to include this “new” aspects in a chronological way.

    # 1 Preconditions of my addiction

    Now I will write about two aspects that encouraged the addiction in my opinion. Because I located them as some causes for other factors which I have to change in my live if I want to fight the addiction itself and the conditions which encourage the addiction in the long run. In short: it’s not only about fighting the addiction. That’s hard enough, but it is just a symptom. To overcome the addiction even means to get rid of ED. To feel virile again is ONE important expression for quality of life. But to change the reasons which encouraged the addiction is a real improvement in quality of life.

    # My parents had a repressed and insecure way of dealing with sexuality

    I always had a problematic approach to sexuality. I have noticed my parents as very prude and “non-sexual”. They also had big problems, to talk to me about sexuality.
    When I was in the age of puberty, my mother asked me if I was “educated”. I answered, that I was in the know. She said, now my dad could feel relived, because he would be responsible for that, but it would be unpleasing to him.
    Some years later she spotted a condom in my washbag, when I came back from a school trip. She just putted something to this condom, so that I knew that she knew. She did not say anything about it, but later on she made noises, which were very embrassing to me.
    When I was about 16 years old, there were some of this “erotic-movies” on TV. Sometimes me and my mother watched this movies “accidentally”. It was a strange and absurd situation: I tried to hide my arousal and had doubts whether she even knew, what kind of movies we were watching. This kind of movies was “comedy” in the first line, “spiced” with some “sexual episodes”. And my mother had a kind of watching TV, where you had doubts whether she was interested in the plot or even recognized it. Most of the time she was knitting or reading in a magazine and she even commented some scenes in a thriller or a crime film with things like that: “Oh just look, they have the same coffee machine as we had before.” or some other stupid shit.
    When I meet my girlfriend at this time, I was forbidden to lock the door of my room and of course, you will know it, my mother offered drinks and cookies very often. From where I stand now, I did not revolt against her behavior in an appropriate way [More about this point later on].

    # I did not learn to masturbate in a healthy way – I taught myself the “prone”-method

    [ about prone-masturbation: ]

    When I was about 4 years old, I noticed, that it was a good feeling to lay prone in bed and to move forward and backward. Proudly I showed it to my father when he putted me to bed. He got nervous and told me in a very serious and some anxious way, that I shouldn’t do that.
    When I started masturbating in my puberty, I did it in this prone-way.
    This method was bound up with my consumption of pornographic materials later on. Already in my puberty I looked at porn-magazines. I was lying on the floor, looking and masturbating in this prone-way – until my chin was sore from the movement on the carpet. When I acted out my porn-addiction in front of the computer the last years, I did not open my pants. I just scrubbed my penis through my pants. Often I just ejaculated into the pants without having a erection. I think, that this way of masturbating has encouraged my way into porn-addiction. With this method it is very “easy” to use masturbation as a “painkiller” – because you can “use it” without any “real” arousal. I also know, that I have used masturbation as a kind of “painkiller” very early and very often.
  4. Johannes

    Johannes New Member

    [day 17]

    i have insomnia for the last tree days. It's stressfull but i already know that. it will go away. Just trying to get up more early in the morning, this evening i will go to sports, after that i will meet some friends and i hope i will sleep much better next night.
    writing down / translating my story is a big help for me.
    I'm very stressed from things i have to do at work and in organizing my life. but fighting the addiction is the main thing for me at the moment. I hope i'm able to keep this order, which means that other things only work slowly at the moment. for example, i translated another chapter of my story first. now ich will start working for 5 hours.
    last week i was so "down", now it is a little bit easier to "get a grip".

    thanks four your reply gopher!
  5. Johannes

    Johannes New Member

    [day 18]

    MO last evening and this afternoon again. in both cases not really joyfully. but better than a full relapse. [more "ejaculating" than "orgasmn"]

    Ok, I'm not against "masturbating" in this reboot, but i want to do it less and less and when i will masturbate, i expect some indication of "healing".

    This shit just was a "stress-release" very similar to a "full relapse". but it was a little bit better, than a full relapse. the reasons for doing that were the same, but in this way it was even better than to pmo again.

    My Aim is:

    - not to PMO for ever. At first for 90 days and then have a look [not to porn anymore ;) ].
    - to reduce masturbating [whithout porn its very easy to me]
    - and to to start it in a moderate way, when i feel some "virility" again

    So i will reset just my MO-counter and not cancel the whole journey.

    But: i need sucesss in progress. that means, i WONT masturbate in the same distance. I want to enlarge this distances in the beginning. that means, if i would masturbate before 4. of Nevember, there would be no progress and i would have to set my whole counter back. the next masturbation also should nothing have to do with something like the "i'm so stressed, need a release, the girl just smiled at me and i didnt know how to..., i'm in trouble with a friend, work sucks, and so on.." - shit.

    i don't know. maybe it sounds like a relapse, but otherways i'm not up for "cut and run".
  6. Johannes

    Johannes New Member

    [day 28]

    i PMOed last night. nothing more to say in the moment. it feels like i needed a "release" but i was to "weak" to do it in a healty way. it's such a damn feeling so stand beside yourself, to feel when your mind, your willpower, is not strong enough against this strong urges which take control of your behaviour.
  7. Johannes

    Johannes New Member

    last weeks were hard. i relapsed several times again and got totally lost. not only some relapses, but loosing all my "stepping forward": no sports, no workout, less social, no real willpower to get out of this... 2 days before i made a new decision to cut it off.
    i have the feeling, that i felt so deep, that there is only one option: to climb up again.
    i want to weep - but i can't. it might sound ill, but now i would like to weep. to be able to weep... because that means to me, to "feel" something, some energy, to express a feeling. now i'm still totally numb. my only feelings are now, to be very weak and helpless and to be angry about everything.
  8. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Hi Johannes,

    Having the same pre-name, I was just curious about you. So I noticed, that you go throug some hard times. But for shure you're on your way, even if you stumble from time to time. BTW, if you MO, do you use fantasy? Or just staring to the ceiling with eyes open? I think there is a difference, a distinction from those pics.

    I by myself made just some tests, means no orgasm, even no edging, only stroking until I know: Yes it would work.

    But anyway: Using MO as a replacement for somthing else in the life is not healty. So I have no plan to use it like this. Only If I would need a release of sexual energy. But being married, It seems not necessary for now.

    Just keep on! Best wishes from me!

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