The waffel diary - day 61 Relapse

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by waffel, Mar 15, 2012.

  1. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Hello,

    I've stumbled on this site during my frequent visits to YBOP & Reuniting. I've been diagnosed with (H)OCD two months ago and I think one of it's roots may have lied in my frequent use of porn and masturbation (mostly combined). But before I move on I'll tell a bit of myself. I'm a 21 year old guy from Belgium and I have been masturbating since I was 11/12. At that time I had no idea what it was but it just felt good. Started watching porn through late-night television, which was soft porn/erotica at the most. I also used to look up keywords like "boobs" with my friend around the age of 12 through my ancient modem, but I still remember it was worth the wait. I also found the playboy stash of my uncle at my grandmother's place which I always looked through when she was asleep.

    As the years passed by and I got into puberty I never experienced a wet dream. Although I was a bit of a late-bloomer I still masturbated frequently without fully understanding that it was masturbation, it was more like a habit when I was born or when I layed in bed. Now I know that it was the multiple masturbations that prevented the wet dream from happening. Fast forward another couple of years I got the chance for my first kiss (was 14 at the time) and I panicked when she just suddenly grabbed me and put her lips on mine. I felt a bit strange because I didn't feel I was ready for it (also she wasn't my type). Meanwhile the Internet opened itself to me as we got high speed connection. I started visiting site's like pinkworld and went through louds of pictures and short clips, always in the anonymity when I was home alone. Meanwhile I still hadn't had a girlfriend although I had many crushes & fantasies but still felt not competent enough to be with them or to make a move (I had/still have low self-esteem, I was bullied as a child a lot) resulting me in staying alone. My usage of porn went through the roof meanwhile. I even waited until my brother went asleep and made sure he was asleep (we slept in the same room at my dad's place) before starting the laptop and viewing porn (without sound) and meanwhile masturbating. Then I matured a bit more and created an online profile on of the first social network sites at that time (2007/2008) and my met first girlfriend, and got my first real kiss. It really felt great, but I had no feelings for her except I wanted to lose my virginity, but I still remember I was horny as hell at that time and when I came from a date I used to have lots of pre-cum in my boxers.

    Fast forwarding again I graduated and went to college, which implied my own room, day schedule & laptop. Here my porn usage went through the roof. Started visiting youtube-like websites a lot and made a habit of masturbating practically every night before I went to bed and in the shower. So although I had lots of offers & I still had crushes on girls I didn't really dare to make a move, because I was already so wired to porn, porn was my sexlife. Meanwhile most of my friends lost their virginity while I still am one. It really feels awful, especially because it makes you doubt more about yourself because everyone is more experienced than you. Eventually the reason for this drastic change of behavior came when I broke up with a girl that was cheating on her boyfriend with me, I really loved her but she broke my heart into pieces. It was an emotional roller coaster involving love, lust, pain, grief & also more porn... Porn has been a constant throughout my last ten years and it prevented me to become a full adult. While I started on softporn, it eventually branched out into other ethnicities, anal, threesomes, teens, milfs, even midgets... It spiraled out of control. Meanwhile my erections didn't got so hard anymore & only got them while dancing with a girl or by dirty talking. My fantasies were purely reduced to porn scenes and my dick wasn't cooperating anymore. At that time I started to develop HOCD because of all the self-doubts which made my libido go even further down. I got depressed and didn't even went out of the house anymore.

    So I went to the shrink and she put me on anti-depressants, through which I gained a lot of myself back (but also losing a lot of sexual interest). I'm still a victim of OCD (at times I doubt if I'm even attracted to women anymore and still have this strange anxious feeling in the neighborhood of most of my best friends & homosexuals (except when I'm drunk)).

    So then I decided after some months to kickstart my libido again by rebalancing my brain. I wouldn't watch porn or orgasm to masturbation for 90 days.
    So here will I write down my developments on my journey of becoming a sexual healthy young adult.

    WEEK I

    The first week was really strange. Especially breaking the habit of not masturbating before I went to bed was really annoying. It felt like I really missed something. Another thing I noticed was the increase of erotic dreams albeit limited to kissing girls I know. I also had a strange dream about me watching my laptop screen while there was a blonde milf that spreaded her legs and there was a sunflower on top of her vagina which I plucked of and revealed her genetalia. Also when I would have these dreams I would wake up the next day with an intense feeling of the need to masturbate, something which was rather nasty to tackle.

    WEEK II

    I still had erotic dreams, but no wet dream yet. On the other hand my self-confidence peeked at moments. It made me feel more manly and definitely made me more active, I often would wake up before I set my alarm and felt more able to perform complicated actions; also increasing my stamina. However I still had the urge to put my hand into my pants, a weird habit of mine because it just feels good. Lately it's become less of a problem. I noticed that at times my horniness was extreme, while even looking a hot girl in the eyes or sitting next to them would make me hard.

    WEEK III

    The feeling of self-esteem waned of but often comes back in certain situations. I returned to my normal state, except for my libido to vanish mostly. Had only a couple of morning woods and they eventually waned off. Although it was still an improvement in comparison to several weeks ago, when I would wake up 95% of the time with nothing. On the other hand I have been showing more interest to girls lately, and girls to me. I can't explain what happened, but I went to a lot of parties and chatted with lots of girls, especially trying to avoid the friendship-zone (my curse). I also went on a "date" with a girl I've been knowing for some years and developed sexual interest since a year of two. We had a good time and we flirted. Something for the future maybe? Talking with girls is a lot easier, and I'm not longer having this feeling of social anxiety that hard anymore. I'm also doing more things with my increased spare time: donating blood, driving around with my mom for my driving license, going to the gym, making plans, etc...

    Currently I'm on day 19 at the moment, the longest period in my life I've been going through without masturbation or porn. I've thought it would be harder, and at some times it is hard; but it's manageable. I see this as a first step in improving myself. I'm planning to write every couple of days some short bits about what I have encountered on my journey.

    Thanks for reading and see you soon!
     
  2. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary

    DAY 22

    Hello there,

    Just to say that I keep on making progress, although I've lost a lot of the feeling of activity. I'm currently on day 22 of no PMO. On the one hand I'm proud of myself but on the other hand I'm flatlining as hell. Rarely get erections and even when they come they dissapear rather quickly, don't really notice if I had morning wood this morning, although I highly doubt it. Libido is at it's low too, don't really have the need for sex or watching porn (with the urge of watching some asian pr0n) and that's troubling me a lot.Really need to get some work done this week for my dissertation at uni, and I'm planning to hit the gym again, my body screams for release.

    I've also met a couple of girls last week. I've been sending a lot with one of them and she's rather cute. I'm slightly worried that if I force something I won't get it up or I won't enjoy it. We'll see how that goes.

    Stay strong guys, we'll get there.
     
  3. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary

    DAY 23

    Just a quick update about yesterday. Woke up with morning wood & worked a bit for school. Went to the gym and afterwards I was chatting to the cute girl I've mentioned here before. I couldn't help but my brain slipped into fantasy thinking about me & her. Libido is still low, but I'm coming to terms with it. Turns out she lives practically next-door. Following our chat I got the largest hard-on in months and it litteraly lasted for 15 minutes, involving some pre-cum (which I guess is normal after your balls have been filled to the brim after so many days of abstinence). Also HOCD is starting to dissappear. Today is the morning of day 24, and woke up with morning wood again, seems like I'm going into the right direction. Just wanted to make an update before I went to class.
     
  4. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Re: The waffel diary

    Very happy to read about your progress man!!!!
     
  5. ghostinthemirror

    ghostinthemirror New Member

    Re: The waffel diary

    you can be proud of your discipline and perseverance. Good job! I am happy you are feeling the positive effects.
     
  6. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary

    DAY 27

    Yo warriors,

    Today is day 27, almost reaching the magical no month benchmark. I can't believe how fast it all went by. My cravings for porn are less & less powerfull, instead followed by the urge to just bond with someone. Bad news about the girl though, went out yesterday & got shitfaced, she was dancing with some other guy and I didn't want to play that game. I got rather mad and went home, the increased testosterone really makes you more territorial.

    In other news I'm still flatlining, except when I'm around girls I'm sexually attracted to. The really beautiful weather in Belgium sure does wonders to me and the people around me. I have been living outside for the last few days working for my dissertation and I actually get shit done. Tonight there's a great party in the Vooruit in Ghent, it's going to be a good one!

    Enjoy spring guys
     
  7. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Re: The waffel diary

    Great work! Regarding the PMO urges becoming less and less powerful....remember that they can return full strength when you least expect it. Don't let your guard down.

    The price of liberty is eternal vigilence.
     
  8. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary

    DAY 30

    I've had a couple of rough last days. My HOCD decided to turn up again so I couldn't be around my friends for long, thinking about upping my dose of anxiety medication. I'm really having a bad episode right now. Still no libido and a bit down for the last two days, might be because of the great amounts of alcohol I've consumed in the last days & the stress for my bachelor's dissertation. On the other hand porn urges are still there but definitely under control, I didn't need a password or something for my internet usage. This flatline really isn't the most pleasant episode of this reboot process. I've woken up early this morning and had a not so powerful erect. but still woke up before my alarm clock went off, might be because of the transition to summertime. Planning to do some work for school and hit the road with my bike for a small tour around the city.

    Have a good one guys

    EDIT: Today I'm in 1/3 of my reboot process!

    EDIT: Also thanks for the positive feedback guys, it's much appreciated!
     
  9. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 30

    Great work. For what it's worth, I'm sure there's a link between PMO and anxiety. For some people, perhaps you and I, it's just another form of self-medication, like cigarettes, alcohol, etc.
     
  10. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 30

    DAY 32

    Goodevening gentlemen!

    Today marks day 32 of my no-pmo challenge. Nothing too special to report at this time. Slept till 11.00, went to a birthday party of a friend of mine yesterday, drank quite a bit. There were several girls over there, but none that really caught my eye, with one exception; the girlfriend of a friend of mine. She stroked my leg at one time and she had that teasing smile. I didn't got hard but it felt weird... If they wouldn't be in a relationship I'd really take my chance, but alas. Before working on my dissertation I went picknicking with a lady friend of mine, but she's absolutely stunning. She wore this flower-printed short dress today, very sexy. I didn't mind it at all, even peeked several time at her boobs and underwear. Sure as hell sounds as a pervert at this moment. Spring weather feels like neverending and I'm trying to watch what I eat: drinking lots of water, choosing brown bread instead of white, eating salads and seafood. I feel great at this moment (except for the non-existant libido).

    P.S. Has anyone did a no-pmo with the use of SSRI's (antidepressants)? Because they lower your lust & libido a lot as they start to work.
     
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Re: The waffel diary - day 32

    Sounds like you had a great day. Makes me want to spend some time with female friends, but I'm still lacking the confidence to make such a request. Ah well, one day!
     
  12. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 32

    Don't haste it ;). Pick the right times.
     
  13. RecoverED

    RecoverED Guest

    Re: The waffel diary - day 32

    About SSRIs

    I take Wellbutrin XL, which has been reported to enhance libido. Sadly, I didn't experience this but if you are concerned about libido and anti-depressants I'd encourage you to look into it.
     
  14. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 32

    It just feels like I'm dead down there. On some occasions there is a bit of life but most of the time it's terrible... And SSRI's usually take away your libido.
     
  15. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 39

    DAY 39

    Just a quick little update. Thoughts about sex have returned, together with my morning wood. The only thing that hasn't really been coming back are the erections, but I'll give it some more time. The only exceptions are some random erections when making eye contact with a strange hottie, however I still can't get aroused without touch most of the time. Not much to add furthermore :). Also I'm nearing 50% of my reboot, but I'm planning to maybe even extend it.

    One more thing, despite it being day 39 I still didn't experience a wet dream, is this normal?

    Also I went to my (lovely female) shrink and she told me that abstinence is not unhealthy, so I shouldn't have to worry for doing any permanent damage to my penis.
     
  16. finallyfaund

    finallyfaund New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 39

    One more thing, despite it being day 39 I still didn't experience a wet dream, is this normal?

    Ive never had one in my life (due to Ming from really young i think) including 46 days of current reboot. Dunno if thats normal lol.
     
  17. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 39

    I'm in the same situation I guess. Glad that I'm not alone, otherwise I'd think that something is broken inside me ;).
     
  18. navi

    navi New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 39

    I've never had one either. I read on a website called Healthy Strokes that they usually only occur around the time your body becomes ready to ejaculate, and that once you start masturbating to ejaculation, they stop almost permanently. So if you start masturbating very early on (as a lot of people do), it's likely you'll never have one.
     
  19. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Re: The waffel diary - day 39

    I haven't had one in my life either--and I'm 48.
     
  20. GABE

    GABE Porn gave me a limp noodle

    Re: The waffel diary - day 39

    YES THIS IS NORMAL!

    I have talked in person with many guys who never had a porn addiction.. and they did not have a wet dream with over 2 months complete abstinence.

    You WILL eventually have one.. but your body simply does not need to ejaculate very often.

    One guy rebooting didnt have a wet dream with over 100 days complete abstinence.

    Yes its normal.. dont worry

    EDIT:For an example on this site check out BigProblems Journal here. He is on day 75. Still no wet dream.
     

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