Hello, I've stumbled on this site during my frequent visits to YBOP & Reuniting. I've been diagnosed with (H)OCD two months ago and I think one of it's roots may have lied in my frequent use of porn and masturbation (mostly combined). But before I move on I'll tell a bit of myself. I'm a 21 year old guy from Belgium and I have been masturbating since I was 11/12. At that time I had no idea what it was but it just felt good. Started watching porn through late-night television, which was soft porn/erotica at the most. I also used to look up keywords like "boobs" with my friend around the age of 12 through my ancient modem, but I still remember it was worth the wait. I also found the playboy stash of my uncle at my grandmother's place which I always looked through when she was asleep. As the years passed by and I got into puberty I never experienced a wet dream. Although I was a bit of a late-bloomer I still masturbated frequently without fully understanding that it was masturbation, it was more like a habit when I was born or when I layed in bed. Now I know that it was the multiple masturbations that prevented the wet dream from happening. Fast forward another couple of years I got the chance for my first kiss (was 14 at the time) and I panicked when she just suddenly grabbed me and put her lips on mine. I felt a bit strange because I didn't feel I was ready for it (also she wasn't my type). Meanwhile the Internet opened itself to me as we got high speed connection. I started visiting site's like pinkworld and went through louds of pictures and short clips, always in the anonymity when I was home alone. Meanwhile I still hadn't had a girlfriend although I had many crushes & fantasies but still felt not competent enough to be with them or to make a move (I had/still have low self-esteem, I was bullied as a child a lot) resulting me in staying alone. My usage of porn went through the roof meanwhile. I even waited until my brother went asleep and made sure he was asleep (we slept in the same room at my dad's place) before starting the laptop and viewing porn (without sound) and meanwhile masturbating. Then I matured a bit more and created an online profile on of the first social network sites at that time (2007/2008) and my met first girlfriend, and got my first real kiss. It really felt great, but I had no feelings for her except I wanted to lose my virginity, but I still remember I was horny as hell at that time and when I came from a date I used to have lots of pre-cum in my boxers. Fast forwarding again I graduated and went to college, which implied my own room, day schedule & laptop. Here my porn usage went through the roof. Started visiting youtube-like websites a lot and made a habit of masturbating practically every night before I went to bed and in the shower. So although I had lots of offers & I still had crushes on girls I didn't really dare to make a move, because I was already so wired to porn, porn was my sexlife. Meanwhile most of my friends lost their virginity while I still am one. It really feels awful, especially because it makes you doubt more about yourself because everyone is more experienced than you. Eventually the reason for this drastic change of behavior came when I broke up with a girl that was cheating on her boyfriend with me, I really loved her but she broke my heart into pieces. It was an emotional roller coaster involving love, lust, pain, grief & also more porn... Porn has been a constant throughout my last ten years and it prevented me to become a full adult. While I started on softporn, it eventually branched out into other ethnicities, anal, threesomes, teens, milfs, even midgets... It spiraled out of control. Meanwhile my erections didn't got so hard anymore & only got them while dancing with a girl or by dirty talking. My fantasies were purely reduced to porn scenes and my dick wasn't cooperating anymore. At that time I started to develop HOCD because of all the self-doubts which made my libido go even further down. I got depressed and didn't even went out of the house anymore. So I went to the shrink and she put me on anti-depressants, through which I gained a lot of myself back (but also losing a lot of sexual interest). I'm still a victim of OCD (at times I doubt if I'm even attracted to women anymore and still have this strange anxious feeling in the neighborhood of most of my best friends & homosexuals (except when I'm drunk)). So then I decided after some months to kickstart my libido again by rebalancing my brain. I wouldn't watch porn or orgasm to masturbation for 90 days. So here will I write down my developments on my journey of becoming a sexual healthy young adult. WEEK I The first week was really strange. Especially breaking the habit of not masturbating before I went to bed was really annoying. It felt like I really missed something. Another thing I noticed was the increase of erotic dreams albeit limited to kissing girls I know. I also had a strange dream about me watching my laptop screen while there was a blonde milf that spreaded her legs and there was a sunflower on top of her vagina which I plucked of and revealed her genetalia. Also when I would have these dreams I would wake up the next day with an intense feeling of the need to masturbate, something which was rather nasty to tackle. WEEK II I still had erotic dreams, but no wet dream yet. On the other hand my self-confidence peeked at moments. It made me feel more manly and definitely made me more active, I often would wake up before I set my alarm and felt more able to perform complicated actions; also increasing my stamina. However I still had the urge to put my hand into my pants, a weird habit of mine because it just feels good. Lately it's become less of a problem. I noticed that at times my horniness was extreme, while even looking a hot girl in the eyes or sitting next to them would make me hard. WEEK III The feeling of self-esteem waned of but often comes back in certain situations. I returned to my normal state, except for my libido to vanish mostly. Had only a couple of morning woods and they eventually waned off. Although it was still an improvement in comparison to several weeks ago, when I would wake up 95% of the time with nothing. On the other hand I have been showing more interest to girls lately, and girls to me. I can't explain what happened, but I went to a lot of parties and chatted with lots of girls, especially trying to avoid the friendship-zone (my curse). I also went on a "date" with a girl I've been knowing for some years and developed sexual interest since a year of two. We had a good time and we flirted. Something for the future maybe? Talking with girls is a lot easier, and I'm not longer having this feeling of social anxiety that hard anymore. I'm also doing more things with my increased spare time: donating blood, driving around with my mom for my driving license, going to the gym, making plans, etc... Currently I'm on day 19 at the moment, the longest period in my life I've been going through without masturbation or porn. I've thought it would be harder, and at some times it is hard; but it's manageable. I see this as a first step in improving myself. I'm planning to write every couple of days some short bits about what I have encountered on my journey. Thanks for reading and see you soon!