The ups and downs of the Bob reboot (Found my Mojo lost my Libido)

From what I'm reading in your journal you are definitely a real man. The fact that you are bettering yourself means you are a real man. We, the addicted, have retreated into our P world, which has robbed us of many aspects of ourselves, but everyone is fighting. I would rather spend an evening chatting with you, a multi-layered person, than some two-dimensional dick-wad. Remember, real men eat quiche...and quiff. Also, there are women who will brag about their man, because they think that it puts them in a favorable light; it makes them seem desirable.

I love the energy you are putting forth bob, my real man. You're keeping it real and you have a great streak going.

 

Hello Bob,
Great job on your recovery! And being a real man!

I wanted to add my 2 cents on PMO addiction compared to alcohol (and even drugs). I am a recovering alcohol with 26 years sober. I remember the day I stopped like it was yesterday... the love and support I received was absolutely a help in my recovery. Today, I have no trouble at all telling people I am an alcohol and just how bad it got before I stopped drinking. People have reached out to me for help with their own drinking issues.

Unfortunately, I can not imagine our PMO addiction getting to that point... maybe it will. There is just too much shame involved for me. That has been and big issue for me and my recovery.

So let's stay strong and keep supporting each other here.

Again, great work!!!
GMS

 

Thanks Guys!

Day 52 and things are starting to slow down. I spent a lot of time with friends around this long week-end, and that has been good, taking my mind of things.
I am very dopey though, can't concentrate very well, a bit detached from a lot of things around. So I am just concentrating on nuts and bolts now, cleaned one room of the house ceilings and all and concentrating on finishing jobs rather than half do them as can be my tendency. And that feels good.
Doing a big stocktake of my life, myself and where I want to be. Comes with the cleaning, weeding out boxes full of memories good and bad.
Still grieving, still in shock really from the last relationship breakdown.
I can see a long road of rebuilding ahead.
Acts of loving myself still feel like an alien concept, thats why I am concentrating on looking after myself, respecting myself, the love will come later. I am incorporating silly little things in my routines like always wearing my gloves at work, not leaving the washing up till the next day, disposing of my cigarette butts properly instead of tossing them. And every time I think of or do these things I look at them as little acts of respecting myself. It works, the little babysteps are only now starting really.
The initial panic has subsided, I can now live with the fact that I will be sex free for 90 days, probably quite a bit longer...
Until there is a bit of health in my system, I will know when that is...

 

I like that very much! By doing little things like those persistently can make a huge difference, telling us unconsciously that we really matter and are worthy.

 

Day 53

I was working with young aboriginal men today, they play footy, get pissed, they live in a community with a lot alcohol and drug abuse. Domestic violence and violence are what they deal with on a daily basis. Within this they do their utmost to bring up their families. I am 20 years older than all of them and our wednesdays working together "caring for country" are my and their best working days in the week. We have been doing this for the last 10 years or so.
They are hardened by their lot in life, not much touches them, they are at angry at the racism they deal with on a daily basis. And they share and listen from an incredible heartfelt space, honest, direct.
I noticed today what real men they are, I am the 'bossman' but really I was their student today, and I will be for a long time to come.
They showed some of the raunchy rap video clips they watch, and we laughed and enjoyed the sexy pictures together and it probably was one of the first times I can remember I could just be a boy amongst the boys and enjoy it rather than be triggered and enter the shame space that then requires resolution by PMO.
Thank you Bob

Still feeling very unresolved around the break up. Less confused, less hurt although some anger is stepping in now. How can anyone put the knife in so bluntly where it hurts most and why? WTF

 

You're still in that stage where you haven't let it go. The hurt and anger have nothing to do with her. Those are psychic ties to a long ago Bob who never learned the tools to be healthy. Her knife stuck so pointedly in your soft spot was what brought you here. She was the first stage teacher, showing you the way to a healthier you. She wasn't your girlfriend, just a stop along a much more important road. Our expectation that people should react to us any different than they do is flawed. Think, man with his pants down around his knees, watching a laptop, and stroking one off. When we treat ourselves right the world falls into place.

You're doing GREAT! You've got some incredible momentum going here.

 

Bob,

You remind me of myself 4 years ago starting out here but already you've achieved much more than I did. 53 days no M or PMO, you're doing great. No easy answer to your question on your break up but Saville sums it up well. Not easy I know. Been there and done it. Clarity comes with hingsight I think. Guys like you and I probably need to heal at least 75% before we can get into a relationship in my opinion. Women in our age range don't want the hassle I've found.. Keep focused on the end goal. Something I should have been doing long before now.

Take it easy.

 

Saville, are you the stage 2 teacher for me here?

Yes, all you guys are, in your sharing and reading.

The mental image of me with my pants around my ankles feels so wrong, yet that has been my "self care" for such a long time... And I need to forgive myself for that too, as for some reason I did not learn any other tools for self care until now. And my grieving now is for that younger me that did not have a great sense of self worth, for the unhappiness I felt for such a long time, for the knowing that I was caught in a spiral of porn, for the despair I felt being caught in the PMO routine and not having the energy, strength nor the tools to crawl out of that quagmire.

Just that picture alone feels so shaming, a hard reality to face.

And yes she is the person that put the mirror in front of my face and made me look. And I get credit for that too as I put myself in that place, I made myself vulnerable enough to face the unhealthy imagery and see it for what it is, and see me for what I am and deal with it.

And I want to tell her "but you don't know the real me", you don't know the strength I do possess too, you shouldn't reject me for where I am now.

When I think of it I am talking to myself really, I need to give myself the warmth and security that I expect from her.

 

There is no shame, no guilt, and no judgment here. Every man's journal here is a testament to growth and health.

Bingo!

 

@bobjes, thanks for sharing all of this. I have lot to learn and it helps when I find others going through similar things as I am. My break up had similar elements. It started with me asking to get a chance to change, again -- she knew of my addiction but didn't know it was active, we talked about it as depression b/c it was that too -- but she was done waiting for me to change ... I can not even be friends with her right now b/c of how chaotic her presence makes me feel. I'm about entirely let her go. There won't be a she (no matter the name) until I .... and you --- heal ourselves ... I think about how great fractional relationships have been like yours and mine ... and think ahead to how unreal a full relationship will be.

Rugger

 

End of the day, been reading on here, contemplating the journey's of you guys, contemplating.

Started doing a lot of hours at work, doing a second job after hours, keeps my mind occupied. Also want to change my finances around.

"What is it that is staring me in the face I don't want to see?" I thought when I was reading RD's blog today. My mind is obsessing about a woman I fell in love with, my dick did not come to the party, I panicked and laid myself bare to her, Puppy eyes and all, thought she was my saviour. She saw what was unfolding and decided not to go there as she had seen it all before... That is actually what I usually do in relationships. I would not go there!

And I am fantasising about putting presents on doorsteps? I must be a sucker for punishment. Lets keep to the no contact. 30 days the internet said, best way to get her back, lol. Joking! Let's get some more perspective here.

I find myself putting off finding a psychologist, spoke to 1 and it wasn't a great conversation, next one does not look too flash on the internet (dance group therapy, not sure mister). No real recommendations from friends that work in the field.

 

It seems there is a pretty consistent theme - no PMO means other changes as well. Job, relationships, activity, etc. It's a weird gift from the curse of PMO - making us start addressing things that need changing. Giving us motivation we may not have had otherwise.

I'm bummed about the psychologist - keep trying - I don't know that you need to be frantic about it ( you know that better than me), but there are good ones out there.

I'm hella impressed at the way you are facing these things.

 

You're kicking azzzzz! 8)

Note: the following statement indicates my personal point of view and may not suit all people. ;D

Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about the therapist/counselor, at the moment. I'm not saying don't go, only that you seem to be on a pretty even keel and going a good direction. If I didn't have this forum I would be more apt to look for one. But, I really feel like everything I need to know is in these pages. Bold statement? The combined wisdom of other men, going through similar struggles, is for me more powerful than anything a therapist could give. What's there to know, really? Stay off P and don't MO! I find it really easy to be in charge of those two simple things. Again, and this is only for myself, I don't want to talk about the past in an effort to uncover the real me. I am the real me. Basically, lots of things conspired to create in me a weakness that led me to pornography and excessive fapping. I emasculated myself based on the tools, and lack of tools, I was given as a child. OK, now I know that. Time to move on. We (I) am responsible for my own goddamned fucking addiction!

Once you have completed your reboot, Bob, you won't even be interested in entertaining thoughts about this fantasy woman; and that's what she was (is). Healthy people meet healthy people. We are becoming winners. Winners run with winners, because that's what makes them run faster. Past memories, unless they are of that perfect blow job we got in our 20's, drag us down, make us fall, and from that position we watch all the healthy people run far away from us. Talking about the past is cool, but being attached to it is foh suckahs!

 

Had a really good morning, happy after the cold shower, full of energy, spark in the eye I was told.

This afternoon was different, obsessing about the ex, she got back today after a 2 week holiday. Angry I feel and sad but the tears are blocked by the anger. I want to write a letter, have a right of reply, tell her she is wrong, that she does not know the real me, yet I painted a not so pretty picture. The picture is not pretty! Self sabotaging porn addict slowly learning to look after himself...
I have not felt about a woman like this for a long time. So hard to let go this one. Competitiveness is definitely part of the equasion. You rejected me I have something to prove now... But I better stay out of it with my broken dick...

Frustrated I feel, at myself and the way I deal with the world. Impatient I am at the moment. Sick of walking around like a dopehead in a continual brain fog. I am not even thinking about porn

My landlady is living on the property for the next couple of weeks, walking in and out of the house as if it is hers (It is), yet not respecting my privacy, I told her, she is not getting it... The crying stopped when she arrived and it feels I have a bit more of that to do. It might have to be for next year as I have family coming over to stay with me till Xmass.

Must be time for a cold shower and a good meal. I will have to ride this one out. I feel like shouting though. Or melting in the arms of a woman I trust. How can I give myself that...

 

I am angry, and I will need that energy to access the warrior inside me. I need to watch, be patient and contemplate, strategise, hold back and fight with the right force at the right time.

No more fucking Mister Nice Guy, I am over it, I will get what I want.

I will thrive not just survive.

 

We are on such similar paths ....

Write the letter. For you. I have. It started as a "but, you don't know the real me" missive intended to convince and it is now an "I have much gratitude for you in these ways" and "please forgive me of these things". I asked my therapist if I should send it and he asked what it's purpose was. It is still meant to convince. So I decided I'm going to continue to work on it. NMMNG style I will only send it when I have no attachment in the outcome of her reading it and when it is not about convincing but truly about gratitude and forgiveness for what she gave me.

I'm pissed as hell. She knew my issues, promised to stand by me if I struggled and then when I struggled quit me.

I quit me, too. What we are doing now is focusing on our needs because they are the most important.

So being pissed at her accomplishes nothing (stay pissed b/c its an honest feeling but don't burn yourself up over it). Being pissed at me gives me a bit of energy to move forward. Focusing all that anger -- it becomes determination -- will get you to the next level you want to go to.

We both need to promise ourselves that we won't make the big reveal to the ex until we are solidly the men we really are. Any thing less and you crumble!

Keep working on yourself! Give up your attachment to the outcome with her and focus on being attached to the outcome of you being you!

Rugger

 

Bob, to be quite honest you hardly knew this woman. Your feelings are honest and raw, but how long did you really date? She made a choice not to be with you. That's hard, dude, I know, because I've been jilted before. But she owes you nothing. She honestly went out with you, because you are a great guy. Then, she decided that you weren't for her. She made the right decision. She made a decision based on protecting her own health. The awesome thing is her rejection of you has led you to reject P. Wow, this is amazing, isn't it?

You feel anger? Good, that's a great start, as RD says. But, that anger is unproductive over the long-haul, it keeps you stuck. Shame, guilt, anger, they are code emotions for: I'm not done with P yet, because the world owes me something. You are making great strides here. Your journaling, as I mentioned, is honest, and I love that. Get rid of all that crap on here, but don't ever send a letter to that woman. That chapter of your life is over. The page turned and now you have this incredible, new, story to read, and it features someone else.

Remember, when we are invested in P we are invested in fantasy. Yes, you honestly fell in love, but now you are fantasizing about what could have been. I've been married for over 30 years. I've seen my wife pick her nose, her toes, fart, take a shit, and smelled her twat when she was in need of a douche. This is reality!

 

Thanks RD and Saville,

I know not to send letters or leave presents (It is her birthday today). I know I need a lot more time to get a clear head. I know I need to look after me. I know I have to bake the cake. And I am only shopping for flower and sugar now, even the mixing hasn't started, but the oven is preheating.

For years I hung out with women that thought the sun shone out of my ass because I am a 'nice man' that knows how to please them, yet there was no real interest from my side, so I was the unattainable.
No challenge, as I was closed and had my PMO as a filler to fill the void inside me.
Lovers, exciting midnight visits the lot.

When I stopped the PMO I fell in love for the first time in a long time. Feeling again. A woman that challenged me.
From a young age onwards I have suffered from ED, only with women that can challenge me, women that I consider very beautiful and strong, women that I am really attracted to. I stayed away from them, played in what I consider safe territory. Then the story repeats itself. Challenging woman, great connection and the ED now is a lot worse than it has ever been... Double ED, the psychological part (I know the exact moment my mother angrily scolded me I would not have a clue what to do with a real woman when I was about 15) and the PIED.

Now at 49 I have to start looking for my power and learn to stand in it.

It feels like I am moving slowly at the moment. I need to get of my ass and start doing. The hard yards, work on my list of things to do, work on the small steps of the "Happy Bob" plan.

 

Hell yeah! You have so much to look forward to. We are just scratching the surface of possibility. 8)

 

Fuck me dead (Australian slang expressing exasperation or great surprise)

No-one prepared me for this. Yesterday evening I vomited for no good reason. Woke up at 2 am and could not sleep again. Today I was obsessed with the birthday of Donatella, I had to force myself not to make contact. Lucky I had a friend check in with me. Fixed my car stereo. Consulted the I-Ching which told me "The heart has matters that worry it; anxious, I am unable to sleep. Although I fear trouble and disaster, on the contrary, good fortune arrives. Great Blessings, happiness and joy. I will be greatly advantageous for me!"

It dawned on me that I need to let go of the obsession in my head. My head has known for a while, the heart does not always follow that easily.
A couple of days ago I asked the question 'What is it that I do not want to face by obsessing about her?"
The answer is grief, pain, loneliness. Buckets of it, big balls of it, a lifetimes worth of pain, anxiety, depression, anger and worry.
No-one was around and the tears started slowly and I surrendered. My body shivering, howling, my face like the Edvard Munch painting "The Scream". The original title is "The cry (as in crying) of nature" and that is what it felt like. I just let it be, a good hour of releasing pain and grief, no thoughts about anything in particular, just pure feeling.

Fuck this is hard and it is a lonely journey, even with lots of people around. Ultimately we are on our own and are responsible for our own destiny. That is my learning out of this.

I feel tired now and also an incredible calm inside.