The ups and downs of the Bob reboot (Found my Mojo lost my Libido)

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Getting rid of those things is important at some point. Purging can feeding the addiction so you need to be careful about handling that task.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Don't know what to say. I installed a filter with a password I have no way to remember and then gave the password away (I am not one that is going to work real hard at finding a work around if under duress). I don't know if you should block everything for now until you are through your reboot. Having a friend do it, might work, but it would be hard to ensure they got everything. I'd be inclined to stay away until you hit your reboot goal and see if you feel strong enough then. At the time, if you have a friend that close, have them sit in the room while you do it, maybe? Just thinking out loud...

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Whoa!! Your mind is racing down the well-worn path of self-flagellation. Give yourself a break and some props, bro'. You're here, writing about your struggles, and your staying off of P. In my book that's HUGE. Reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy," isn't supposed to make you feel like shit about who you are. It's about giving you some insights, and some tools, so that you can lead a better life. You've done some great things in your life, we all have. In other words, don't throw the baby (yourself) out with the bath water.

We all want to be accepted and admired - this is normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with receiving compliments and admiration for things we do. The point is we are worthy of being admired for just being. Get it? We don't have to invent cold fusion, write the next great song, or win a Nobel for peace. You are amazing just for who are. None of us are altruistic all the time, in fact, I wonder if there is even such a thing for mere mortals. We do our best and enjoy that we live in an amazing world.

You're doing all the things. Be chill brothah. 8)

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Dreamt about the ex all night, it was like torture...

Deleted my accounts on all the sites. Only a slight moment of temptation. It was like "look at the face not the cleavage", lol. Went through my email accounts and unsubscribed and deleted all porn related stuff.

Phew next step.

Still crying, can't wait to go to the Doctor this week and get my referral to the Therapist to start that part of the journey.

Been reading too much stuff around sex addiction recovery over the last few days. It confuses me. So many options suggestions programs around if you start looking. Just going to stick to No more Mr Nice Guy for the moment as that resonates with me.

Stopping smoking is getting close too, that will probably reveal another layer of emotions. I know I can now, I've kinda shown myself I can cope with the rollercoaster that stopping porn is giving me so might as well. It is one of the priorities in the Happy Bob plan.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Breaking Free Activity #5
If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently?

Maybe not that different from the bare bones of my life now... But I would for sure feel a lot more free, relaxed and confident. I would probably take more risks... Be more outgoing... Dance in pubic... feel less frustrated...

If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with
the opposite sex be different?

I would choose a woman to love... Rather than the other way around... I would be a lot more confident in myself and my values and beliefs rather than wait and seemingly adapt to what might bring approval then feel resentful. I would feel a lot more powerful than I do now. I just collapsed into self pitty/ self flaggelation after my last break up. If it occurred without me so wanting the approval, it would still hurt but I would be able to move on or fight for the love I want...
It would be a more equal realtionship, one where real communication is possible rather than my present passive-aggressive body language and behaviour.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Way to go on deleting all of that shit! I am not sure I would have had the strength to see and refrain. I am a little in awe at the moment. I want to commend you again on all the steps you are taking to make changes - seeing a therapist (hoping you get a great one), breaking free activities. I love how proactive you are being in this journey. Breaking free of PMO really is just one facet of this thing - the key is changing your life.

A question that I came across several years ago that led to a radical career change for me (at a time when I was supposed to be settling down) is ' What would you do if you weren't afraid?' A slightly different take on your break free activity #5. It sounds like you love your work - that was huge deal for me. I didn't. I think a lot of this recovery is figuring out what we really want. But I find it hard to know that until I find out who I really am. That is a key part of my work now. Keep pressing on, man. I see all the tears as you letting go and the healing happening. This probably sounds cheesy, but maybe they are water for the garden of your new life.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Just deleted all the nude pics I had of the ex girlfriend... In the later parts of our relationship I used them to warm myself up whenever she was coming over for "cuddles". She sent me heaps, she knew the visual turned me on. Just another form of porn.
Feels like a great step removing my profiles and getting rid of my 'collections". Some kind of solidification of my process.

I came on here out of panic for my PIED, when it was acute, not being able to get a hard on with a new woman...
I now see that the infatuation i went through with her was not healthy. Most likely part of the euphoria that occurs when first stopping long term porn addiction...

I dodged a bullet with this woman, you were right Saville. Could not see it last week.

My best mate came over yesterday and we had some beers "shooting the shit". So difficult to find perspective in your own head. So good to bounce ideas of a trusted sounding board. I feel grateful.

Gratitude too to this board and the men that inhabit this space, the real life human beings brave enough to honestly share their stories and struggles. And so good to share this all with people roughly my own age. Feels good.

I once asked a Buddhist Master as to why they go through these elaborate rituals, days of preparation of costumes and statues, then days of ritual. I thought I would get an elaborate answer on the deeper meaning of it all. His answer was that it is all just to keep the mind busy with something more useful, less destructive, than the day to day habitual thinking we do. Thus creating better conditions for the future...

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Breaking Free Activity #6
Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .
● If they forget something.
● If they are late.
● If they break something.
● If they don't understand something.
● If they do something wrong.
● If they are depressed.
● If they are in pain.
● If they generally mess up.
The Nice Guy's need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and
alive.
● That they are sexual.
● That they have bodily functions.
● That they are getting older.
● That they are losing their hair.
● That they have needs.
● That they are imperfect.

Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or
distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. How effective do you think you are in keeping
these things hidden from the people you love?

Not good at all! I tried to present myself as a together, self sustaining bloke to my last shortlived encounter with a woman. It took her all of 2 weeks to point out my neediness and ditch me for it...
The Needy Puss Ball as RD calls it is what I try to hide most of all. Yet the more I try to hide it the more people that really know me see it I reckon...

Hiding my depression, the blokes at work picked up on it, they now frequently start talking about the "black dog" (australian campaign for men to make depression at the workplace something you can talk about as too many men commit suicide and get lost in addictions) that men go through, looking at me when doing so. I deny of course, how could I engage in that conversation, I am supposed to be their boss! They are looking out for me really...

I get the picture, there is no hiding really... No point in blaming others either as that is definitely a strategy I use to deflect the attention from my flaws...

I hope this book starts Building exercises soon as exposing the "problem" of the Nice Guy is getting to me...

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

I LOVE being right!!

Recognizing our short-comings should be a release, bob, not a burden. Isn't it great that we now know it's chemicals that fueled our addiction? Isn't it also wonderful that a book would highlight areas in which we failed to grow? And, not only that, but that we would recognize many of these nice guy symptoms in ourselves and be able to take concrete corrective measures? Wow! This is good news.

I love the insights you are gaining. You're rocking this hardcore...and I'm not talking about P! 8)

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Breaking Free Activity #7
Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you?

Yes I can, it is in their imperfections that I really love my friends, and they do the same with me.
I am spending a lot of time with old and new friends at the moment, and it feels great catching with them all.

How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or
stop loving you — no matter what?

I know this to be true for my good friends, and I have quite a few... So I would not be so different with them. It is more with people I do not know that well that i have this need for approval, recognition and love interests most of all. Well if they cannot accept me for who I am then why would I even bother? And yet I get sucked in trying to project this perfect persona...
It would be a relief to just take it as it comes, you care for me or you don't. I have nothing to prove... That would feel like a liberating way of standing in the world. I would laugh so much more, things would appear a lot less serious...

Bring on the lightness of being, please Bob, bring it on (-:

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Saville, thanks mate.

I have been at this quite a while, never had the energy to take recovery seriously, been reading heaps, did Therapy courses, saw therapists etc.

I don't know why but somehow got out of the victim mode, got the motivation to be real about myself, my porn addiction, my isolation. Sick of being a wall flower, sick of not having energy, sick of hiding, sick of feeling stuck, sick of giving myself a hard time. I want to live now to my fullest and realise that that also means facing my pain and history. And happy to undertake the work, whatever it takes... And I realise that it will be a journey with ups and downs and that it will take a lot longer than a 90 day reboot...

Maybe it was the getting out of on old relationship that kept me stuck, maybe the PIED with the last girl friend and her devastating, abrupt reaction to it, the end of the grieving period for my Dad's passing or the fact that I am turning 50 soon or all of the above. I do not know, all i know is my life force is finally flowing to make the rest of my life a happier one than before.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

The flatline is on going, day 42, although I do feel more energy down there. Touching my cock feels weird though at the moment, it is like he shrinks at being touched, he must be over the years of abuse. Feels like there is a lot of healing required down there.

One of my friends recommended somatic experiencing therapy. Anyone heard of it or tried?

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

@BOBJES, 50 is the NEW 30! Welcome to the club soon!

You are about 20 days ahead of me with the flatline. I've gone to 180 at one point in much less hard mode than I am in now. You want it to just change like a light switch being flipped! It doesn't. Focus on life and the flatline will gradually fade.

Good luck! Good work!

Rugger

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Breaking Free Activity #8

Wow the approval seeking behaviour that I want to address in this activity is even contained in the title of my journal here... I might want to change it as part of the exercise... Found my Mojo? yep trying to impress you guys, or get your validation.

Whenever I am among men I try to impress them with stories of my conquests... How attractive I am to women, what a good lover I am, that I have had several lovers simultaneously in the past... etc. etc. Just to validate my fragile ego...

Eating humble pie now with my PIED and the latest 'conquest'. I remember me recounting the three lover story at the coffee shop last week to one of the baristas, a guy I really like (and thus want his approval, compliments whatever to make me feel better about myself...) WTF?

I have known myself to do this and I remember several times friends picking me up on it, even at the tender age of around 17... My Dad praised me for me having lots of girl friends, probably one of the only things he ever praised me on, so it is clear where the behaviour comes from.

I will go on a moratorium with this behaviour for one month and my best mate will be my safe person to talk to.

 

The ups and downs of the Bob reboot

Hard day today. woke up around 3.30 and felt dread. Tired from the emotional rollercoaster that the last 6 weeks have been. Absolute highs and since the break up the crying and grief and fear have worn me out. I was close to chucking it in, there was a moment of "fuck it". I forced myself to go back to bed close the computer and if not sleep then rest. I could feel the emptiness inside, not unlike the emptiness after PMO. I fell asleep again.

It was back to work today with not much energy for it.

I was looking forward to coming home and writing here. I have been reading further in No more Mr nice guy, and the next exercises are going to be difficult for me... For some reason I loathe looking after myself...

Still committed to the program I set myself, I want to harness the energy of my depression, the anger turned towards oneself, and use it to get me to a place of love and care for myself...

I am going to need a lot of support, I am further building a good network around me, rekindling old friendships and asking for support, sometimes that is only asking for some company, having a meal with friends and sharing a laugh.

A bit of lightness required from time to time, it is so heavy inside my head sometimes...

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Breaking Free Activity #9
Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where
you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself.

- have a shower when I come home from work.
- Make time for play every day (no not that kind of play guys I wish I had kids)
- Go to the dentist
- keep my car tidy and get new front guards.
- Quit smoking cigarettes. The money saved can go towards therapists, yoga classes etc. Towards my happiness and health.
- Clean house a little bit at a time, I mean deep clean the house, freshen it up.
- Get a good haircut (not just the $20 barber)
-

This list will grow, do not want to freak myself out by putting too much expectation on myself...
Feelings of anxiety going through me making this list...

I will start with a shower now.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Good stuff Bob. Strange how this one area can bring you down in so many and encouraging how getting control of it, opens doors in others. I could see I was addicted, but never thought of myself as a serious addict - you know like a junkie or alcoholic. But I was. Bit by bit, other pieces of my life are coming back - Keep walking man, you are doing an amazing job. That is a good list - It is fine to take it slow, just keep moving steadily.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Breaking Free Activity #10

Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them
where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read
affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency
of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.

again a list that will grow.

- I deserve to be happy and free of anxiety
- It is ok to be human and make mistakes
- I am the only person I have to please

Only one affirmation for now. I said this one with conviction in the shower yesterday and started crying, my inner hurt little boy came out and probably for the first time ever I was able to hold him (me) and comfort him (me).

 

Yes you do! Love this as an affirmation, bob. Just said it out loud and it made me feel good.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

There is some really good healing taking place here... Happy for you bro...

One day at a time...