Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by bobjes, Sep 17, 2016.
Bob, congratulations on your continued recovery. You sound very sane indeed.
Hey @HeyRevolver , 'Well done' is your right of expression. And it is mine too. The learning to give myself pats on my back was one of the most important steps I took to get out of the self-loathing that accompanies the PMO wraith existence!
Get to the Choppa? I must be old, I have no idea what it means.
I sometimes struggle with sensation and my orgasms need to be spaced out...very normal!
Great to hear your news, mate. Funny as about the orgy thing! I wonder how they'd react to the tattoo on my whatsit says "kiss me quick".*
Seriously, though. Good on youse for gettin' to the chopper before things got out of hand. Sheeesh! I guess thats the flipside to having the highest density of healing modalities in the southern hemisphere. Then again, it's highly entertaining!
Big loves to ya, Bro. Stoked to see you doin' well.
*I don't actually have a tattoo on my whatsit. Yet!
Not long ago that kind of thing would have gotten me very excited just to hear about it. A part of me would have wished to there, while another part would have felt deflated with the knowledge that I probably wouldn't have been able to get it up. It's so good to not feel the tug of something like that. You and your woman did well to leave and have your real vanilla, instead of the fake stuff.
1 Year PMO free.
Earlier in the week I was thinking about what made me succeed at breaking the PMO cycle. And the number one quality that comes to my mind is humour. To see myself from a distance and laugh or smile at the comi-tragedy that my life can be. Once that ability of humorous self reflection appears then the battle is won, then it is all not too serious anymore, the pressure I put on myself lessens. And it is that pressure and stress that I put on myself that got me to hide in PMO. For the cycle then to repeat itself over and over again.
There are other factors too.
Determination is important. My determination comes from the realisation that I do not want to spend my precious and shortening human life hiding in my dark cave obsessing about flesh coloured moving images. That is like being dead already hence i love the term Porn-wraith. When the urge pops its head up to hide in Porn or Masturbation (yes it still does every so often) I think of how I felt about myself at the end of my PMO journey. I can still taste the despair and powerlessness I felt, It makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Asking for appropriate help. Not easy when the addiction is so filled with shame. This forum is the best help one can get! A supportive community of people in the same boat. Invaluable. Other help for me came in the form of a couple of very close friends, my medical docter, a therapist and a psychologist. The important bit was for me to reach out realising I could not do this by myself, yet realising it is me and me alone that is breaking the PMO cycle. The support people are the tools to get there.
Learning new ways of dealing with my emotions. Rather than the one stop wank shop for any emotion, I have had to learn how to deal with anxiety, panic, work related stress, boredom, despair, depression. Slowing everything down, some type of mindfulness practice. I learned some texts by heart, repeated mantra's in my head over and over again as a way to give my mind something to focus on that is no doubt better than PMO. Taking time to get to know my para-sympathetic nervous system, what really relaxes my body and thus my mind. Exercise, walking, dance, meditation, surfing, nature, cooking are just a few that come to mind and committing to do some of these things on a daily basis. It is my responsibility to manage my emotions.
Healthy routine. I hate routine somewhere deep inside. Daily PMO however is the most ingrained discipline I ever had. The best routine that I seem to stick to is cold showers. Every morning as a reminder to myself that I can deal with stress, that I am on a path to become a better person, a deeply physically felt experience that I am actively working towards becoming more healthy. It reminds me that I am a man that can deal with shit.
Trust. Trust the process. Trust that even being here @ YBR is that process of recovery. Reading and writing here is the process of making new connections in my brain. And by step by step doing more of the things described above I started to trust myself again. And that feels great!
And today I have difficulty to see the humour. My woman held a birthday party this week-end. Lots of new people there for me to meet and I got slammed by her sister for having 'the roving eye'. A woman I do not know (but knows me) saw me ogling a woman during my weekly dance classes and told my GF sister about it. Yep I did, my eyes caught tits half hanging out of a blouse at the dance class, I froze, my mind obsessed, my eyes kept on following the movement, my mind wanting to go back to these visual glimpses over and over again, difficult to let go. At the same time I realised that this is my cutting edge, how do I deal with this? How do I let go when triggered, how do I deal with my re-emerging libido? And I did deal with it, I managed to let go and get back home in my body later in the dance class. Yet now I feel the shame of being talked about in the community as an untrustworthy man. The long talks reassuring the girl friend, she wants us now to be friends so I can just be free to explore my sexuality... This is more of the same, still the same brain mechanisms as PMO, I feel sad, I dreamt about it all night. Yet I have no choice but to trust the process and keep on going. Everything is up for question, still and more and more...
And somehow I am grateful for this very public reminder that there is still work to do, my mind could have easily slacked of having reached the 1 year milestone...
@bobjes, you are my hero. Seriously. All those posts last year how I was leading you. I got lost. You stayed the course. HERO!
I'll never know you face to face. I'll love you forever.
Oh, man! That sucks the big one. So... you had a moment.... big deal! People need to pull their fuckin' heads in I reckon and hold back from judging the rest of us (lest they by judged themselves).
I send you posivibes, bro. Big ones!
The other part of the post was fantastic: thankyou for sharing. Did you post it to the general forum? Good one for 'p.addcition' and/or the 'success strories' I reckon.
Thanks, @ruggerdoug and @Billy B. !
And another month goes by. Life is good really. I am a bit bored, atm. A mate asked me if it was because I am settling in married life, lol. Not quite, the relationship is only about 2 months old.
It is new experience for me to be with a woman and to not constantly lust over other women in pixels or on the streets!
Quite an adjustment in my head. And yes I do still recognise beauty when I see it. And my mind sometimes wants to go back to the "chase". Yet I feel aware and able to make the choice not to go there. Feels solid!
I have spoken here about how I experienced my journey as growing up again. The growing up began once I realised that I had to learn to deal with my emotions without PMO. Just feel them and deal with them as appropriate. Before any emotional state (even happiness) was dealt with by PMO.
I went through being a child, toddler, teenager, young adult etc. and now slowly becoming an adult in how I deal with life's demands.
I have been taking it real easy at work, slowly but surely reducing my list of paperwork. I have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have been behind for years! Now I am 80 % through this list of unfinished business. It has been a struggle working through these reports etc. that were in the back of my mind for such a long time. The anxiety... No more waking up at night and gasping for air thinking about a report I forgot about. This is a big step for me in my process. I have more and more space in my life on all levels...
Somehow this rebooting journey has even brought me financial freedom. I now have money to go on holidays and get my teeth fixed!
That is next, get my knee and teeth fixed and the dreaded stop smoking cigarettes! I am slowly ready to deal with the emotional fall out that stopping smoking will bring for me. I would love to find a supportive on-line community around smoking cessation. I am a 30 cig a day type person, working in the forest with a constant hand rolled cigie between my lips... Just like my grandad...
@ruggerdoug has been the bringer of ideas to ponder for me on this journey and again today with his flatline discussion.
The flatline is an interesting phenomenon. Just a complete shut down of my sexual system is what I experienced. Scary! my pride and joy (cock and sex) not working anymore for like half a year and more. I felt desperate. What if it never comes back?!
Well it does, but sex is very different now, my cock is like a new being, aroused by touch and aroused by a woman wanting me. The vast majority of the time my cock works well and sometimes it doesn't. A porn like quickie? nope, It seems to turn me off. Too many memories, don't want to go there.
So gentle connected being together does it for me now.
I still have fear around losing my erection, but hardly ever do. So much more trusting to learn.
I refuse to go into fantasy to help things along, I know it would work, the old brain super highways are still there.
I just have to be patient, trust and keep on building the new brain highways!
This is part of a normal and wonderful life. The real joy, as you know, is in the mundane.
This is huge. I have also found this extra space in my life as I get all those undone things finished. The procrastinator is taking a back seat to the doer.
That's great news, man! I thought it'd gawn belly-up with the ogling at the dance-group incident: she must be a good egg, and able to decide for herself, by getting to know you, whether you're a good-enough, man or not. I s'pect that she's is aware of her own foibles and that allows her the grace to accept others, warts and all.
Gold! You are an inspiration to me, my friend.
Er... as above!
You can do it!
I am having a bit of a difficult time, next layer of the onion.
The relationship is not going so well. Michelle had an MS relapse and is scared of course, depressed, she needs a lot of time for herself. I am doing my best to be there for her. And it feels like pulling teeth even trying to spend time with her. She keeps on repeating that it might be better for me to move on, that she has no energy for a relationship.
She is away on a retreat now for 10 days. And it feeels like a bit of a relief to have some time for myself and my process.
And I find myself a bit despondent, not much energy for anything.
I just finished a big project I worked on (on and off) for 3 years. The result is amazing. I made myself a desk out of solid timber slabs. It will outlive me. (-: I thought I would never finish it, kinda lost interest.
I slowly find myself slipping a bit. The 'lost my libido' part of the title of my writings here is still valid. There is still not much feeling in my cock. Sometimes when in bed with Michelle I don't even feel I have a hard-on. I have to check. Kinda feels ridiculous to have to check if I have a hard on or not...
I still call that flatline. It does not surprise me the amount of pulling I have done but it is frustrating. I am longing to feel that roar of sexual energy through my being, in a healthy way. And it still feels far away. My patience is being tested.
I have found myself drawn towards fantasy. A mind habit I developed in my teens popped up in my head. Visualising the feel of a woman's nether parts while checking them out. This of course lights up the PMO parts of the brain, gives me a spurt of lust. But it does not feel right to go there, keeping it in check. But I feel the desire to go there, to feel the desire.
So subtle compared to PMO but I still call it the same. Vigilance required!
Interesting times in the media and on social media as well with the Weinstein, Spacey stories and the #Me Too# campaign.
Where have I crossed the line in my life? Some of the P I watched crossed the line for sure. What about the situation of the online women I paid to drool over?
And the other side of the equation: the feminist bandwagon of men's inherent "badness". So over that one...
All these themes going on for me now point to the fact that I have to keep on being gentle with myself. Forgiving and look after myself, respectfully, loving, open and keep on growing up...
Love to all of you, I read a lot of courage here. Keep on, keeping on!
I read most of your journal this morning. It was very encouraging to me as I start my own journey. Especially the parts about learning to be a man. Thank you
I hope you are doing well. I just finished reading trough your journal and I want to thank you for all the inspiration. I also want to thank you for stopping by and commenting on my journal at the end of October.
I have been sucessful avoiding porn (I’m at day 97) but I too am struggling with fantasy. The flatlines are aweful and I feel need to get some of my libido back and that is an easy way to get aroused. I definitely need to figure how to beat that.
Thanks John! And I do follow what is going on on these pages. You are doing great!
Yep the flatlines are not easy... I still struggle with flatlining and ED at times. I have been meaning to write about this so here we go. Thanks for the prompt. (-:
Is it a flatline I have or is it my expectation to feel like I did in the hyper arousal of PMO? What is it that actually turns me on now that I am stripped of "research" and fantasy? What feels good for me? What are my expectations? My only reference point is the way I had sex since my teens. Lots of PMO and my sex life was somehow an extension of that... So a whole new world to explore, but how, what, where?
Sex for me now seems to be about connection, to a human being. And my arousal only seems to appear when the slate is clean in my relationship, no lingering issues. And touch is the driver. And I am quite preoccupied, anxious when I have sex, scared to lose my erection, and that happens at times...
When I have sex with myself (in the vein of healthy masturbation as per NMMrNG), not much happens for me, this deep fear comes up to get lost in lust again. It is as if I do not allow myself to go there...
I have the feeling at present that I might have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. While hardmode is IMHO necessary in the earlier stages of rebooting (I think people will know when they have reached that point for me about 1 year or so). There also comes a time to re-engage with healthy desire, healthy fantasy and healthy use of visual arousal (real life not screens and not oggling but admiring, savouring, appreciating without getting caught up).
Been with M. for some months now and she went through an MS relapse (she is fine she found out this week but needs to make a few lifestyle changes) that has of course not been conducive for our sexual relationship. What has not been conducive either is my confusion around sex rebooting and all and being fearful of losing my erection when it is there and thus having sex too early... She told me today she does not want to have sex for now... Only cuddling and touch as she feels as if she has nowhere to hide being with me... She invited me to explore my sexual being with other women... And that we should go see a therapist to explore our sexuality...
Are you confused yet? I sure am, lol.
Kinda back to the drawing board.
Next layer of the onion.
The situation now is making me quite angry, frustrated. But taking it in my stride. The anger gives me energy to get shit done.
I started surfing again! what a pleasure and great work out!
I've found this is true, too. We are older now and so our outlook on life will also be part of who we are as a living, sexual, being.
I think you've done incredibly well, bobjes. However, I think there is a danger in believing in a new dogma, as it were. By that I mean we follow, or desire to follow, a set of parameters, no PMO, no MO, and don't allow life itself to have a say. I believe we have a deep repository within us that is untainted and it's just waiting to help be a guiding light. I guess I look at it as my intuition. I follow that voice, even though at times I may be afraid or dismissive of what it's saying.
This is woman speak for "you don't find me desirable or you'd be want to throw me against the fridge and fuck me."
There is no way in hell that she wants you to be with another woman. This isn't an invitation, but a test. You are supposed to say "You are my one and only, babe." She would hardly want to go see a sex therapist if you had carte blanche to fuck someone else.
If she has MS this puts you in care giving mode, or at least the potential for that is there. We addicts attract those who need our skill set. You know, that skill set where we let them be in the driver seat. Just throwing that out there.
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