The ups and downs of the Bob reboot (Found my Mojo lost my Libido)

Hi Guys,

This is my first post on here.
I am a 49 year old man living in Australia. I have been addicted to porn ever since I found porn mags in my early teens. A real escalation of my porn use started about 12 years ago with the advent of continual internet access. Pictures first then moving up to becoming a member of popular porn sites and chatrooms.
It was my outlet for stress, grief, anger or any other emotion that i found too difficult to deal with (conscious and unconscious). Hours of edging on a pretty much daily basis to ease the pain, amazing orgasms with the inevitable disgust and depression afterwards.

The onset of Erectile Disfunction some 8 years ago did not help. The fear of not being able to have a hard on got me hooked even more "testing" if it still works. I started using Viagra for sex with my lovers and partners ever since that time. And edging before sex with women "to make sure it works".

I have been very isolated and lonely during this time despite having several good women in my life the last 12 years. One of the reasons I never fully committed to these relationship possibilities was the fact that I could not imagine living without my porn addiction. My way of dealing with the world since a very young age.

I have known for quite some time that the consequences of my "management regime" stopped me from living life to the fullest.

My interest in Porn started waning when my previous relationship (unhealthy relationship we met on a porn site) a couple of months ago. My nofap started 36 days ago almost accidently. I was away for work on a remote island sharing a room with one of my colleagues and limited internet access. I met a very attractive woman pretty much the same time and fell in love for the first time in you guessed it 12 years (since the escalation of my porn addiction).

During the second week of my stopping internet porn I started feeling again, joy, grief, experiencing beauty in little things, connecting with people, dancing, listening to music etc. Incredible really how free I feel, like a new lease on life.

I shared my story with the new woman in my life without feeling shame. Kinda had no choice as I could not get a hard on being with her and finding her very attractive. Anxiety and what I experience as severe flatlining. She is happy to go with the flow yet I am having a hard time here. Feeling emasculated when it counts most... I could hark back to edging and using viagra to feel like a Man, yet I have a strong resolve to sit out my "reboot" and do the favour to myself and those around me.

At this point I am shit scared of having permanent loss of libido (some ED in my family history) and feel sad not being able to enjoy connecting with a magical woman...

Thanks for listening/reading and I am very interested on hearing other peoples experience with flatlining and recovery.

Cheers,

Bob

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

At 49 there is no reason your plumbing shouldn't work really well. I can't speak to whether you should take a break from the ED meds, or not, because I've never used them, but other guys here will probably chime in. What I do know is that it doesn't take very long to get both the mojo and libido in sync, once we really commit to keep P out of our lives.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Thanks Saville, I truly hope it does not take too long as it is killing me at the moment.
The new woman in my life has just told me she does not want to go on as she feels I lied as I should have told her about my pornaddiction recovery earlier, rather than my waiting till I failed in bed. And she is right. At the moment it feels like the ultimate humiliation... I feel hurt where it hurts most... And I feel like failure where I want to be strong...
This is where my mind wants to go looking for the anaesthetic of the past.
Trying to remind myself to be gentle with myself, to stand in the hurt rather than run away from it.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

That's too bad about the new girl. Not to sound trite, but she probably wasn't for you. When we're in recovery, even if it's just at the beginning, we are often still attracting, and attracted to, the same kind of people who always spelled trouble. I know it sucks, but you probably just dodged a bullet. Many of us know just how devastating it is to fail in bed and to be rejected. Don't cave at this point.

There are some here who think you should tell all so that your SO can be on the same page as you recover. In theory, I think it makes sense. However, most women when they hear the word porn recoil in horror; that might not be as true with the younger generation. If a woman thinks you're watching P then immediately they feel you are doing something dirty and something that diminishes them as a human being. Most people are not detached/knowledgeable enough to realize it's an addiction. I think most women would handle you being an alcoholic easier than a P addict.

Work on yourself. Commit to changing your life and then you need not mention your porn use to any future girlfriends. Once you've recovered from P your plumbing will work just fine. Keep posting here and reading other journals.

Peace!

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Hello Bob,
Welcome to YBR.

I agree with what Saville writes about disclosing our addiction to our significant other. And yes, being a recovering alcoholic (26 years this Nov) it was MUCH easier telling people about my drinking as it is much more accepted these days. My PMO is very secretive, maybe too secretive, but I personally would not tell my SO because I do not believe it would help me... again this is just me.

Stay strong and keep posting. There are a great bunch of guys here who have helped me tremendously!

GMS

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Thanks Guys for your words of encouragement and insight
I have learned from my meeting with her that I am not ready for a relationship. For the first time ever I was able to disclose my history with Porn without feeling shame and it was received by her in a patient way, supportive, understanding. And she also felt duped as I did not disclose any of it before I failed in bed. Since she received my story so understandingly I then subconsciously expected her to heal me (in the weeks after), which she picked up on and she was honest and courageous enough to point that out to me. I was in denial of course at first, just in love. Puppy love, puppy eyes. It is in her saying that is not what she wants in her life (being someones healer) that I got to understand this. Of course she wants a man that can meet her on equal terms. A place where I am not yet.

It does not feel like I dodged a bullet. It feels like I met the right person at the right time for me to learn. To strengthen my resolve. To give me a window in the possibilities of the future. An encounter that taught me once again that it is up to me to heal me, and to look for the help in doing so. That is why I am here on this forum to share my story with people in a similar boat. To be encouraged, to share and encourage others on this journey.

I am crying a lot today, in between work meetings, phone calls and site visits. I am hurting, crying because I can feel my lack of self esteem, because I miss the release I felt just being in her arms feeling free and safe, because I have to deal yet again with my history of childhood sexual abuse and its on going consequences in my life, I cry because of my present incapacity to build healthy relationships. And I cry because of some good old-fashioned Love Sickness.

And I choose to stand in this and get the help to become a more happy and balanced man without harking back to the old porn routine.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Crying is good.

Our repeated patterns eventually get the better of us. The older we get the more we are exposed and vulnerable. This forum is a safe place to say anything. We've all felt deep shame and guilt, had our peckers not work, and felt powered down in general by life. There's no judgment here, only support.

Keep in mind that our addiction is brain chemistry. Once we remove the stimulus (pmo) we rewire back to normal. It's a journey, a tough one at times, but also worth it...you're worth it.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Today it all feels like a cruel joke. Devastated inside. Discarded like a piece of garbage. Meet someone exciting, open up, share, show yourself in all your vulnerability, fail in bed, seemingly get offered patience and understanding, so share deeper, show more vulnerability while not trying to freak out about not getting it up, most vulnerable then pushed away by txt message... Alone in a big empty space...

Sorry guys had to get it of my chest.

I wonder if I would be tempted to watch porn now if I was not flatlining? At the moment I only feel disgust thinking about the depletion and anxiety that follows and edging PMO stint, not attractive...

And here I sit alone with my pain. Sitting in it.

On the flatline, my balls started tingling yesterday, some energy moving back down there?

I also started reading No More Mr Nice Guy and thats me... Mister resentfull pleaser... Well she picked up on that quicksmart didn't she, lol. For the first time ever when I read a self help book I also started doing the Exercises in the book.
Exercise 1 was setting up a support system to recover from MR Nice Guy Syndrome with the result that I went to the Doctor today and told him my story with ED and porn addiction and wanted help so I got a referral to see a therapist. I also contacted 2 of my best friends and asked to sit down with them for a chat. And I am committing to keep posting here as support.

It is great actually just sitting down and writing and sharing my process, musings with you guys, it helps, it is an outlet. It really is getting this stuff of my chest...

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Welcome to the forum Bobjes, reading No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great start. Wishing you the best if luck on your journey.

One day at a time.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Even if we had sex with a saint, a woman who had it altogether, a woman for whom compassion was second nature, that woman would still struggle with her man going limp. As devastating as it is for us, and it is horribly devastating, it is also a slap in the face to the woman. If your lady can't milk the semen out of your hard dick then she feels like a failure, too. She feels unattractive, ugly, unwanted. Some women have the capacity to overcome this and see that it isn't personal, but many don't; especially if it happened to her before. All we can do is work on ourselves. If we worry about the motivation of others then we are doomed to failure.

You're making all the right steps here, bud.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Man, I just commend you in being so proactive and taking steps to deal with this. Honestly, it is the courage of you and others like you that gives me hope and has launched me on my own journey of recovery. Keep at it. If nothing else, let this past relationship remind and encourage you that you want to be at a different place next time. That is what this journey is about.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Thanks for the feedback Guys,

It means a lot with where I am at.

Saville, mate, thanks for your insight, it snapped me straight out of the "victim" mode i found myself in. Of course she is hurt as well and yes she was dealing with similar issues in the previous relationship she had...

And Jam yes this past relationship is a strong encouragement for me to work it. I feel life is getting too short to squander opportunities for love. And in order to get there I need to put myself in order. I promised myself this when my Dad died 5 years ago, only now do feel I have the energy to do so. I deserve it and those around me deserve to get the best of me.

The porn addiction, I know, is only a symptom or strategy to deal with the shame, hurt and pain of underlying issues and beliefs. I have worked on those issues in the past, Childhood sexual abuse and unhappy family situation when I grew up. But I never really shifted, I gained a lot more awareness and understanding though and that brings here, now. The coping mechanism for the underlying feelings of anxiety and hurt for me have been Porn and sexual fantasies, smoking and smoking pot when I was younger. And hoping that a woman healer would come around to help me.

But no it is up to me to step up and take responsibility for my health and well being. And it is difficult to put my pride aside and ask for help and give myself the help to do so. My support network is growing and today that was blood tests to see where my health is at, haven't been to a doctor for 3 years.

This process is a long hard slog really, that has been going for years and sometimes I am angry and sick of it, frustrated by it all. Why can't I just be happy...

And here is another day without PMO, phew that feels good...

And still crying. In between work meetings and at home by myself at night. The car is a good place to cry. It feels like years of tears pouring out of me and it probably is, tears when i read your encouragement, tears when I see a friend, tears when I see a flower and tears of frustration, tears of years of feeling unworthy, tears held back in years of numbness, hiding in the porn. But underlying all this grief I also feel strength, I can feel myself and get the occasional glimpse of where am headed. Bring it on.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

It sounds like you have logged another day - awesome! But you are also logging a lot of miles in your growth. That is truly amazing to watch. From what I am reading, you are headed in the right direction and dealing with some pretty heavy shit. That is not easy. There is obviously a lot going on for you, but it occurred to me that at least some of your tears seem to be from a kind of joy and hope. There seems to be a lot that is healthy there.

Sending you all the positive energy I can muster - let's keep moving forward.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Thanks Jam

I am starting to notice how I have looked to the world from a purely sexual point of view... Pfff that is a hard one, I go to the same shops and cafes now and notice the change, how I am not leering all the time anymore (how did people put up with me?), how I used to think about women in only 2 categories (fuckable, not fuckable), and categorise men in rival or not rival. I am walking around now in the small coastal tourist village I live with my eyes cast to the ground almost... I feel ashamed really, yet it is the way I have been approaching the world since my teenage years. At the same time with this new perspective I now see living breathing human beings where before a lot of them were objects in my mind... No more searching for that juicy detail in every attractive woman is a relief as well. I feel more connected to just about everyone somehow. It almost feels weird but absolutely right...

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

I took a couple of days off sick from work, Haven't had a day off since don't remember when. It feels good to spend some time off to just look after myself, it also feels bit dangerous giving myself so much spare time all alone in my house, yet I do not feel the urge to go chasing the dopamine. Really wanna close these pathways to a false sense of satisfaction in my brain, I am here to create new pathways, I want my brain synapses firing the dopamine in more wholesome ways...

I am spending time with good friends as much as I can, it has been great catching up with some of the good people I have around.

Yesterday I started on project "Happy Bob". I am designing a plan to look after my Health, Mental Health, Finances and Work. Haven't put relationships on there yet as I am starting to find out that I do not have solid base for that. Although a picture is starting to appear...

No More Mr Nice Guy activity 2.
Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try
to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why
do people try to change who they really are?

I my case because if I show who I am and how I am I would not be accepted... I want and crave attention and praise, only then do I feel ok about myself. Why wouldn't I paint a pretty picture of myself? I want validation from pretty much everyone around me. Nothing rational about it but that is what seem I to do when I think about it.

No more Mr Nice Guy activity 3
Life script example

One of my earliest memories is one of holding my Mum's hand watching the snow through a glass door at the back of the house we lived in, I was maybe 3 or 4 years old. I could feel Mum was unhappy, maybe even crying. I wanted to make everything better, if I helped her everything would be better, if I put my needs aside and am there for her she would be happy and love me. How many times in my life have I tried to "help" her and not get the love I wanted... and then the But, but, but that is not how it is supposed to be, now you have to praise me, I tried to make me happy.
Of course I could not make her happy! That is what she needed to do for herself! I became her support person and lost the opportunity to be a child... mummy's little helper. She will be staying with me for a couple of months soon, I have been rather cold to her really the last years as I have been feeling myself getting sucked in by this old dynamic, and have not formulated a new one yet... Interesting times ahead, actually I think it might be good to experiment and find new ways in relating with her in new ways...

I also recognise that even i writing this journal I am finding that I am looking for praise and validation (how many times have I been read? how many replies did I get?). This can easily be translated in Am I being a good boy?
Yet at the same time and my real reason to write here is for me. It feels good to put what I am going through out here in cyberspace. I need the inspiration that i get from other peoples journals, I need the encouragement, I cannot do this by myself and find support here.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

I can relate more than you know my friend... I often have to fight the urge to write to please and impress and just write the truth of my experience and not get caught up on how people may interpret what I say... I feel as if I've made quite of bit of progress in that area since I started journaling on this site... I like your Happy Bob project. I have something similar that I do as well.

Keep up the great work...

One day at a time...

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

Activity 4 Attachments

I broke down doing this one (crying again)... It seems everything I do or how I go about it is designed to please at least someone.
I wanna help you (but I need recognition and praise in return). What got me in the gut is that everything I do seems to be to please "Mommy". Hard to admit that I actually am Mommy's Boy @ almost 50! I feel desperate after this activity, I do not even know what I like or want anymore... Even the things I think I do for myself are really designed to show off, to get praise, to be accepted, to be admired, to get compliments, to get approval...

-I love fishing... or do I. Even being out on the rockshelves near the ocean at night chasing Jewfish I think about showing off the fish I catch to get validation of my colleagues or gf. Proven by the fact that I rarely fish when I am single... Just an attachment to be the "pseudo-provider". When it comes to really providing for a woman I run a mile...

-Having an "interesting" job. I do, I love what I do restoring the ecology of the National Parks and Natural areas around here, planting lots of trees, getting paid to spend time in some of the most beautiful areas around, and being good at it.
But it is also an attachment, I want praise for it, I makes me a good boy, It is something that makes me special...
Or is it?

- I am a good listener... or am I? I was terribly pissed off in my last realtionship when I was not needed to be a good listener, she is a woman who looks after her own needs and wanted the bonus of having a good man around (but not a nice man...) I pulled her up on not allowing me my "magic" listening trick... trying to help mummy but no help was needed and I felt lost.

-I am good at fixing things. From sliding doors to emotional problems... I am good at fixing... But I rarely fix anything in my own house when no-one is around. When I have visitors yes, then I start fixing things... so they can give me praise...
I remember the praise I got last week for fixing the sliding door at the gf house. She told me that her life was easier with me around and that was all it was about... Look at me I am a good boy

-I want to help where I can. I try to provide for the guys that work in my company. A new hose or shovel or car or get them to work in an area they like to work... I picture myself standing there like a little boy " look at the new shovel I got for you... Pissed off at their disinterest or feeling disrespected for all the work I do behind the scenes to provide them with a livelyhood. Fuck it is just a tool for god's sake. And yes thinking about it it makes me feel like a tool, unconditional love does not seem to exist inside me, all the "giving" has to have something attached to it for me...

This makes me feel I have a long way to go. Desperate even that as a 49 year old I do not know what I like, or want or need. My whole life spent barking up the wrong tree.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

I feel stuck at the moment. Anxious, too much time on my hands and a cloudy mind getting lost in all the recovery websites and programs and articles... Not moving, gotta go do something physical. Bit of cleaning maybe, sort out my car.

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

I want to close all my "memberships" and profiles on porn sites. Don't want to have pictures of my cock or collection of fantasies or Favourites in chatrooms any more...

Hmmm interesting one, might have to ask my best mate who is coming over tomorrow to do it for me? Feels a bit personal though... Can't think of any other way. Would it mean I break my 90 day challenge if I went in there and closed my accounts without drinking the images? Could get sucked in?

Suggestions?

 

Re: Found my Mojo lost my Libido

I closed my sites out all at once. I had a mental list. I set a goal of just working through the list. If your buddy is that close that is a great idea. If not make a list, set a time limit and pick yourself a reward (like an ice cream or a beer or a whatever works as a reward for you) if you get the list done in the time allowed.

Doing that mid reboot is dangerous. When I was doing this before I would keep the memberships with the idea that they were there "in case" I decided to go back. And then in closing them I would reengage.

Good luck!