The Stopping Starts, Again

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by sonofJack, Jun 26, 2013.

  1. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    I don't want to bore you.

    Jerking off has been my comfort since I was about 14, and before that, it was my wild fantasy world: a place where the anger and shouting outside my bedroom, disappeared. I had seen pictures of naked girls, like any boy I guess, and liked what I saw. At first, there was no physical arousal (that I knew of), just that satisfaction of seeing a "bare naked lady." I'd experienced random erections from as far back as I can remember. They didn't mean anything, other than discomfort and embarrassment.

    I also had this thing about being naked. At first, nobody bothered to tell me not to. Then, after being properly shamed for wanting to expose myself (at age 4), I found places to take my clothes off in private. There was no connection to sexuality. None. It just felt great, and it was something I wasn't supposed to do.

    At age 14, I was alone at my aunt and uncle's place, it was hot, and I was bored, so I took my clothes off. I got a boner, as usual, but didn't give it much thought. Then, I ejaculated. I thought that I was going to die. I was sick to my stomach, and repulsed by the gooey stuff that came out of me. I may have fainted. It was awful. But soon after that, I began chasing that feeling. Every day. Sometimes twice a day. I destroyed socks, and bed sheets, and well, it was gross. I couldn't stop.

    Let's fast forward. I'm 55, married to a wonderful woman, with two incredible grown children. 41 years of masturbating have been interrupted frequently by periods of: sex with my wife and abstinence from masturbation. My wife and I incorporated it into our sexual activities; me getting to finish off on her butt or boobs - sometimes, not always. I was the best of both worlds as I love her so much and absolutely cannot get enough of having sex with her, and I love to jerk off too.

    Then, a few years ago, the sex stopped. Growing children, emotional strain and who knows what else were to blame. Also, my penis wasn't up to the job. Literally. Those one-hour raging hard-ons I'd learned to rely upon, were gone. My wife was understanding. I wasn't. I started freaking out that I had lost my ability to do it, even though I seemed to be able to get things going with my fist.

    The masturbation got more frequent, and stranger. The getting off part was becoming secondary to the sensations of playing with my penis. I collected a stash of Internet porn - mostly bikini shots, but they escalated to wilder shots, of beautiful young women, with huge breasts and tight bodies. I started looking for pics of them pleasuring themselves. This led to pics of them having sex.

    That's where things started to get away from me. I've never been interested in men, but the fantasy world of the Internet allowed me to look at the male equivalent of the fantasy woman I was masturbating to. I found weirder and weirder stuff to look at. Started going on Jackinchat to make myself feel like it was okay - everyone is doing it. And that was when I realized that things were not good. The excitement of masturbating with another person, was always mitigated by the fact that both of us were sitting alone in front of our computers, and probably lying to each other about who and what we were.

    Two years ago, I hit the bottom; chatting with other men, while masturbating and looking at porn. I was disgusting to myself. I missed meetings. I was feeling depressed (for the first time in my life). I took on more work than I knew I was able to withstand, and for 117 days, that did it! I didn't look at porn. I didn't jerk off. I didn't think about it. Tits on the movie screen did nothing more than make me smile. Erotic art was simply, erotic art. I felt that I had cured myself of what ever had taken over me. I found all the stashed porn, and deleted/destroyed it. I put parental controls on our browsers. None of the usual stimulants were working on me. My work got better, and I felt great.

    Then on March 26th 2012, I was doing the laundry. I stripped down to my socks, and without any reason, went to our basement computer, and started looking at naked women. After four hours of masturbating, I ejaculated into a sock, and felt both relieved, and ashamed. Within weeks I was looking at hours and hours of porn pics (it's an old computer, so no video). I was jerking off constantly. This went on until early this year, when I managed to break away again for 49 days. Like the previous time, I dropped even lower, spending hours and hours looking, jacking, and finally, ejaculating into whatever I could find.

    Also this year, I dipped lower. I joined 2nd life, and immediately started taking on fantasy personalities (male and female), doing things I know would disgust (or at least scare) me in real life.

    Yesterday was the worst. I took my female avatar to a place where I could have her screwed mercilessly for hours, by two men. After nearly four hours of being lost in this fog, it occurred to me that I was masturbating, but totally flaccid, and had been so for a long long time.

    An article by Isaac Abel in the Atlantic today was perfectly timed. The author explained his rationale as to why Internet Porn Addiction is different from sex addiction. It gave me myriad places to corroborate his thesis. It got me to the yourbrainonporn site. It got me here.

    Please tell me that it's not too late.

    Internet porn, and chronic meaningless masturbation has to become merely some facet of my past.

  2. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Welcome aboard, Jack. We understand. Not to worry. It is not too late at all. In fact, now is the perfect time for you to reclaim your life and become the man you were originally intended to be. Let's do this.
  3. midge

    midge Guest

    Hi SOJ. You're in the right place. If you stick around, post often, and join the conversation, you'll find tons of help and support. There are loads of guys here who are kicking the toughest porn habits to the curb. I've only been here 10 days, and it's made a big difference in my life already. Give it a chance and I don't think you'll be sorry.
  4. Confused

    Confused New Member and is therapeutic and you'll the support here is great. I do understand what you have gone through ......focus on your goals, make a plan and be strong.
  5. Vanoli16

    Vanoli16 Member

    Welcome! You are in the right place. Read other's journals, consider starting your own, and post when you feel it's appropriate. Your Brain on Porn was one of the greatest discoveries in my life, and I, too, was led here, and I have gotten better. Many men here have achieved success over their issue with PMO, and I know you can too.
  6. newme60

    newme60 New Member

    my story is similar in so many ways. this is just a response of support to you...and to me. this is my first day here, and I expect to be active on the threads. see you there!
  7. needtoohigh

    needtoohigh New Member

    Welcome welcome welcome Jack! You got this... you have had long periods of sobriety from you demon. With this site...reading and writing and sharing, you will be amazed at what you will accomplish.

    Read read read! Then read more! Read everything you can on YBOP and read our stories here. You've had great success in the past as I mentioned, but now armed with more very in-depth knowledge of the situation/issue, you will be all that more successful! Is it too late? HELL NO!!!!!!!!!! Not one bit too late!

    Again, read and arm yourself and learn... as you very well know, knowledge is power and with this power you will over come this and be that many you truly want to be.

    One thing I have also learned throughout my struggles and journey here is to not beat yourself up for any of the past. Reference it, know it, face it, but don't dwell on it. We all must move forward here. We have also all fallen. The key is to simply get back up and keep moving forward. You got this, you will do this... you WILL reclaim your life in the way you truly want have it...

    Stay strong brother. You got this!
  8. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Thanks all!
  9. Bob Benson

    Bob Benson New Member

    SOJ, I too found my way here because of the Atlantic article. One of the first things I found was your post. I was grabbed, first off, by the title because I've felt that way before (complete with the slight tinge of resignation that there would be another "again"). [The story in your journal isn't identical to mine, but it's close enough for me to have a strong sense of recognition.]

    Today was yet another "this has got to stop" day. The Atlantic article + your joining/posting were the catalyst for my joining and trying this route.

    Good luck to you and thank you for starting a few hours before me.
  10. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Welcome. And thanks for referring to the Atlantic article.
  11. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Thanks Bob.

    Your post gave me a shot of strength to start the day. Your screen name and avatar gave me a smile. Perhaps when tempted, you and I should first ask "what would Roger Sterling do?" … and then NOT do that!

  12. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi sonofjack,

    We all have similar stories. I am 51 and married to a great lady for 30 years, and a porn and m addict for most of my adult life.

    I am now well over 200 days clean, and went over 150 days a year ago. This is do-able. You wrote about the flaccid wanking, yes that is a breaking point and shows that it is just a compulsive activity that does not even produce pleasure anymore.

    I never had ED and enjoyed sex with my wife. But nothing like now, much different experience with both erections and our sexual activity... so there is some extra motivation for you.

    I must emphasize the role your wife can play in your recovery. The benefits of hugging , hand holding, kissing and gentle non-sexual touch are enormous. This physical contact with your partner helps produce neurochemicals that counter balance the tough emotions that reduced dopamine hits often produce. I have found that the first 5-6 weeks are quite the roller coaster ride as the dopamine is kept at reduced levels and the D receptors start to really cry for their drug. The oxytocin from contact with your wife will help so much.

    Of course, other dopamine producing activities, that are positive... like exercise, creative pursuits, socializing, volunteerism, nature walks will help create new neural pathways and give you new ways to satisfy that addictive part of your brain, healthy ways.

    This is a good choice you have made, certainly not easy , but with so many benefits.

    Stay well man, this forum is great and the men here all top notch!
  13. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hi Sonofjack

    I really recommend reading Fc's post a few times. His advice on wifely relations has helped me a lot.

    Welcome. And best wishes. Like you many of us have had long bouts of quitting PMO/ This forum seems to help. We are all in the same boat and we all have the same stories so be as honest as you like - I have been amazed at how unjudgmental this forum is - if the world was like this there would be no wars!

    best wishes on this journey
  14. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Yesterday was easy.

    Today, not as easy. Interestingly, the triggers that had me contemplating P were not sexual. Other posters have mentioned how porn, masturbation and fantasy are ready-made escape mechanisms that can be employed when they're faced with stresses like frustration.

    Today, there were stresses. But after stopping for a few seconds to really think about them, they were not that stressful. At one point, when the temptation to look at p hit me, I did some work on my deck (I am not a handy person). It wasn't fun, but when I was finished, the sense of accomplishment was strong. Not just for finishing the work that I'd been putting off for weeks, but also for not succumbing.

    I keep thinking of that sad image of me sitting at the computer playing 2nd Life, and playing with myself - flaccid. Not an erotic image. Not how I see myself.

    Rode my bike for 21 kms tonight. The thought of P didn't cross my mind. I did notice some rather pretty joggers at one point.

    Let's see how Day 3 goes.
  15. Bob Benson

    Bob Benson New Member


    This afternoon I had a trigger that I should have avoided (a stupid daily blog-like feature I read every day at work that features cheesecake photos among other non-sexy items).

    One of the pictures was a Playmate I find particularly attractive (while at the same time I'm aware she is half the product of a surgeon and half the product of a good Photoshop user). I may have actually muttered "oh shit" when I saw the photo...or maybe I just imagined it.

    Usually I would remember the site, look it up later when the family is asleep and start my self destructive jaunt down internet lane from there.

    Not tonight.
  16. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    This day has gone well.

    Dull, rainy and not much on my plate for today. No temptation to look at P, or at anything titillating for that matter.

    I'm rehabbing a running injury at the moment, which may have something to do with my having idle time with no outlet. So, I went for a short run, which appears to have lifted my mood a bit.

    Well, that's all. The weekend is here.

    I don't feel quite as alone going into this one.
  17. midge

    midge Guest

    A good report, SOJ. I've had a dreary but mostly temptation-free day myself. Good that you got in some exercise. That always helps me. Through the weekend, if you feel the pull, come here to read and post instead. I use the forum that way, and it's a big help.

    have a good one
  18. newme60

    newme60 New Member

    I had a moment yesterday where I was wavering. I resisted and I also realized that I wasn't even was more a matter of feeling dull, dull of energy, dull of mind...bored...and PM/PMO has historically been a sure-fire way to while away HOURS (you know about those marathons?) of life, doing essentially nothing productive, but also so easily consumed with the sensations, the edge, the HUNT, that nothing else exists - no positive feeling as well as no negative feeling. anyhow, I saw that at that moment. I was bored...and the awful thing is that there really was nothing else I WANTED to do...I even didnt want to do that, but i would have, if I weren't attempting this discipline.
  19. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Welcome SOJ. The early replies covered most of the bases. Post frequently, even if you don't think you have anything to say (often you find those posts lead to some great insights).

    In light of your previous 174 day streak, I'm betting with all the detailed science info on YBOP that this round will go well for you. Especially with support from this forum.
  20. Bob Benson

    Bob Benson New Member

    That sure rang a bell. I had a moment last week when I unexpectedly had a free half hour, alone. I didn't really want to either....but did, because I either lacked the imagination or the energy to think of something else.

    It really is helpful to see these patterns/struggles are not unique.

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