Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by Pedigree, Jun 17, 2013.
^ my feelings verbatim
I'm doing it. Starting today. Lesson 1. I don't know if I'm going to do all lessons, but it can't hurt to try.
Afternoon gentlemen. Hope you're all doing well.
I'll be looking into the program sometime this afternoon. If Underdog recommends it I figure it's worth trying out.
I decided to make my 100 day post here.
This past week has been really interesting. I feel like I'm finally returning back to my true self after ten years. It helps that there are so many beautiful women who work with me and we have interactions and lunch daily. I'm just being myself and they enjoying spending time with me. Most of them have boyfriends or significant others but it feels nice to just socialize comfortably with women again. One of them in particular has been laughing harder at my jokes than others and making more physical contact. But I've been using a tactic I learned through this journey that I did not know before: I'm not projecting possible future scenarios. Whatever will happen will happen. I'm living in the now.
Last night I met up with that girl I was with last month. As much as I enjoy spending time with her, seeing her, and miss her when I don't... I realized that I'll be happy when she goes back to her University across the country. I had just gotten out of my gym and looking forward to seeing her. My body and brain were both screaming to grab her and throw her over my shoulder, carry her off to my man-cave, and give her screaming orgasms. But that can't happen anymore. She's got a guy.
So we hung out a bit as friends which I still enjoy. Then I got lost in her brown eyes and remembered how beautiful she is and how much I crave that woman. That's when I had the realization that I'm going to be ecstatic when she leaves. Thank Thor.
My life is full and doesn't revolve around her. Work is stressful but brings home money. I'm still hitting the gym regularly. I don't even think of PMO.
My main focus at the moment would probably have to be the emotional aspects of this recovery. Sometimes dealing with internal jealousy, irritation, rarely anger(when dealing with her... long story). I'm happy with my solitude but still get sharp pangs of loneliness. This morning I woke up extremely horny but had no outlet. At work I keep thinking I'm looking at the cleavage of women I'm speaking to even though I'm not.
Despite all this I'm satisfied. Sated.
I can look at myself in the mirror and recognize the progress I have made. I'm not the same man I was before.
We're all going to make it.
This is actually the complete opposite of my current work situation. All of my co-workers are at least 10 years older than I am. It's a small company and there are NO beautiful women. Nothing even close.
So that, plus the fact I only keep in touch with a handful of old High School/ College friends makes me feel very socially isolated. Most weekends I have no plans and nobody reaches out. It really fucking sucks.
Most of my co-workers are at least 10 years older than I am. Some of them 5 years older. I think there is only one or two around my age. My perception of beauty has always included a woman's behaviour and personality so they might be average to some but they're fine in my book. But I think it also helps that I work at a media company.
Though I know how the isolated friend situation is man. My college buddies are several hours away at least and my most of my HS friends are at Grad school around the country. My circle has shrunk from 20+ solid reliable friends to 4 or 5. And yeah they never reach out.
You know what I realised I have to do? Reach out to them. It's a lot like herding cats, and sometimes like pulling teeth, but the past few weeks out of frustration, I've begun to organise outings and plan events. Just keeping on their ass about it like "I'm going to be there whether you're there or not". And I think that's the trick. I show up there having convinced myself that I'm going to have fun regardless of who shows up. Worst case scenario I figure I'll meet new people.
So far they've consistently shown up. I think people just need someone to think for them. Because if you leave it to their devices they'll try to get by with doing minimal work. We on this board have proven that we are not happy with just doing the minimal, the status quo.
We are thinkers. We are planners. We are rebooters.
;D Yeah, I love your attitude!!! Also, congrats on your 100 days - a big milestone!
Probably most rebooters have some social issues to struggle with. I'm a student, do a lot of sports and work in a place with loads of co-workers who are my age. So I am around people most of the time. I like to interact with them and would also say that I have lots of friends.
But on the other hand I'm still a virgin and don't see it changing any time soon. Even though I do meet girls that I would consider girlfriend material, I'm still too anxious to get out of my comfort zone. There's always that voice in my head that screams "Don't you remember? You got ED? Do you really want HER to find out? After all she's your co-worker/friend/friend's friend etc? Are you sure she is the one you want to be your girlfriend?" I feel so incredibly tense about these issues. All of the things that should actually be pleasurable are all linked to anxiety, ED, rewiring etc. in my brain. Not the most romantic associations
Sammy, I really like your attitude too. But here's the thing, I actually have been reaching out to my friends, consistently, for years. Sometimes they are available, sometimes they aren't. Sometimes we have an amazing time, sometimes it's eh. But I've been making every effort possible to see them and make stuff happen.
And that's why I'm even more frustrated. I keep reaching out and trying to make plans, and they keep twiddling their thumbs and barely doing shit. If I just sat around and waited for the phone to ring, it wouldn't. It's even become a point of contention, I've started blatantly ignoring some of them, just to make a point. And when they ask why, I tell them it's because they've done a piss poor job of keeping in touch.
I guess we've all grown apart, but it sucks. If I had other friends, or a girlfriend, or a social group at work, I wouldn't sweat it. But I don't. I keep romanticizing this idea of moving to a big city, and working at a hip advertising agency and having the time of my life and getting laid often. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side, I don't know. But in my current situation it's hard to imagine it wouldn't be.
I'm curious. Does this "romanticizing" take the form of daydreaming and how often do you "romanticize"?
Daydreaming and romanticizing is something that I'm trying to cut down on. It's why I've been getting into meditation and Tolle's Power of Now.
I can understand your frustration, but you shouldn't put the blame on others. If there are people you can't/don't want to keep in touch that's something to accept. Being bitter won't help you at all.
And seriously: If moving to another city and/or finding a new job might help you dealing with your problems, I would definitely consider doing it. Stop romanticizing - if it's a realistic option, do it.
I think this is a mental dynamic that all rebooters would be familiar with, tbh. "If I change my circumstances, everything will be all right" is just the same as "If I go without porn, everything will be all right".
I actually lolled.
I live on the outskirts of a big city, working in the advertising department of the biggest multimedia company here... And have I got some news for you my brother.
The fence is an illusion. There is no fence between the gardens. The grass on that side and this side is the same.
You could live in a small town, working at a waffle shop, and having the time of your life and getting laid often. This is what the boyfriend of that girl I was together with in May is doing.
I've been dreaming of changing continents. Traveling. Studying abroad. Living in New York or Chicago. Living in London. Munich. Vien. Prague.
And after all of that romanticizing my mind brings me back to square one(I wouldn't have been able to do this before I began this journey mind you). After trying and using escapism to find all these alternate solutions to where I might find inner peace, happiness, new friends, get laid every other night...
I become aware once again out of those escapist daydreams to realise that if I am not happy here.. if I do not or can not build a life where I am first...
Then most likely I will not be able to be happy elsewhere.
@Pedigree: It's kind of a mix between daydreaming & rationally trying to plan for the future. I find myself doing it frequently, at least a couple times a week... especially when I'm feeling annoyed with my current situation.
@pohsenil: It's a realistic option, yes. I'm at a point in my life where it's feasible and even makes sense to make a major move, exactly like Pedigree will soon be doing. I'm very much considering it for early next year. Why not sooner? Because there's a bit of planning involved and I have a handshake agreement with my current employer to stay until the end of 2013.
@TruettW: You make a great point. My therapist advised the same thing, he said "move towards something and not away from something".
@Sammy3000: Point taken as well... but I think it can potentially go either way. I live a semi-enjoyable life and get laid (occasionally) where I'm at now. It's not like I'm a total recluse and I think moving to a new city will magically fix my problems. I already make healthy lifestyle choices, and feel like I have a lot to offer. However, living in a boring NJ suburb, working at a small company, sharing an apartment with three people I have nothing in common with, and trying to nurture a bunch of stale high school friendships just ISN'T conducive to a good social life. That's my situation now. It's not crazy to think a change of scenery will give me a fresh outlook on life.
Well it seems like there is something you can change in the immediate future such as moving into an apartment with three people you have a lot in common with?
Just a thought.
Gentlemen I have to say it's time I called an intervention... on myself.
Let me give you all an update. Since the 3rd of July I've seen May three times. I've spent three days in a row with her. Friends were there this is true. But her and I... we were acting flirtatious and she took it to another level and started doing things like rubbing her behind on me. Massaging my neck. Grabbing hold of me tightly.. I responded as a man would but never crossed any lines.
I had another talk with her. She won't be doing any of that anymore.
But the bad news?
Brain fog is back. Mental clarity is gone. Motivation at zero. Mental fatigue up through the roof. I can sense the social anxiety creeping up on me. Mood swings.
And I actually peeked the other day for a few seconds(it's in my signature).
My body has been tempting me to MO for the past few days. I haven't given to any of the urges but at this point god damn I feel like I've been binging and PMOing for days.
Couldn't concentrate at work at all today so I left a few hours early. Came on here to type this up. Now I'm going to go run until my legs give out.
I'm open to any thoughts. Because this is quite an interesting development in my opinion.
I think after 96 days of no MO, the effects of missing out on a possible sex opportunity is amplified. Don't think there's anything more to it from where I sit.
Yeah I think that maybe what it was. But what would be the normal duration for such brain fog?
On another note I seem to have found a temporary cure.
I didn't even run until my legs gave out.. just my lungs. Ran as fast my feet could carry me away from zombie masses(Zombies! Run! App on my phone) for 20 minutes. I got home and everything felt right with the world. Also going to sleep a couple of hours earlier this evening. I will see how I feel tomorrow and report.
Maybe it's just... life?
Seriously, there are dozens if not hundreds of factors that could affect your mood. Some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
If you're right, that's really not a good thing.
Yep. It's something that I had already been thinking about.
Thankfully I think the process of breaking this rewire began on the Fourth of July. It felt like something "broke" in me and I didn't give a damn anymore.
I was able to truly recognize and vocalize it in its entirety yesterday. I don't give a damn about her anymore ;D And it feels good gentlemen.
My only question would be how do we not fall into a similar biochemical addictive pattern with other potential mates?
On other note I've been getting healthy spontaneous erections in reaction to beautiful women. It finally feels like progress.
Re: The Rogues' Gallery [GROUP] 1 Vacancy
I got my ass kicked by Recovery Nation over the last 24 hours or so though I definitely deserved it. There was a question that asked me if I still had porn or sexually compulsive material stored away and another question which ask me if there's any compulsive behavior I still engaged in.
Both questions shone a light smack dab on what I'm still not doing right and it's still something I'm coming to terms with. I knew I was nailed as soon as I read it.
I think that the counter and keeping track of days is great but they don't tell the full story. A member who doesn't post here anymore, livefreeordiehard said at one time that having a pure 14 days reboot is a lot better than a 100 day run where there's peeking, MOing, etc.
Speaking for myself, I've always thought of it in terms of trade-offs. I'll lay-off the bikini sites if my brain will lay off the porn. It's why my withdrawals or my porn cravings (when they hit) have never been as severe as others. But it gets to a point where it's like a boxing match where I'm winning but I back off from going for the final blow and let the guy I'm fighting back in the game.
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