The rocky road to who knows where

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Haller_79, May 28, 2016.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    The reason that you're browsing is that your brain is looking for the dopamine high. Just watching some vids or having sexual fantasies gives your brain a little bit of dopamine to just meet its minimal requirements yo be soothed for a while. But it will also increase the hunger for more dopamine. Just watching some vids and cams will not be enough next time to get the same kick and there will be serious risk of cascading down to a full PMO. I hope you can find the strength to regroup and avoid also the milder forms of acting out. Strength!
     
  2. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I've no doubt you're right on that. I did once achieve the 90 days total abstinence (no browsing anything in a skirt), but found it took a lot out of me. This is how the monkey brain works I guess.
     
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    That's an amazing accomplishment! Was complete abstinence easier than this?
     
  4. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    It was hard. To be honest part of the reason I was able to accomplish it was that at the time I was both doing it for myself, but also doing it with a certain girl in mind, that I thought if I could be the perfect all round guy and quit for good she would end up being my girl too. It didn't quite work out like that, but my point is I think that the extra motivation/goal she provided me was what got me to 90 days.
     
  5. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I am still trying my best. Weekends, or to be more precise, Sunday afternoons are my view porn time. I am just looking forward to a week off from work next week. I am absolutely exhausted, it's been a hard year.
     
  6. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I thought I would post one last time, seen as I will be 40 years old very soon I will be too old for this board anyway, and not sure I will bother moving onto the next one. I think this board has taken me as far as it can with regards porn use, it got me through the worst times back in 2015/16 and helped me do my one and only (possibly ever?) 90 day streak. Now my porn use is pretty much where my alcohol use is, a little guilty pleasure on the weekend, a little bit of escapism if you will.
    My partner and I, who I always considered part of my recovery, are still living together. Although there is very little excitment in the relationship, I have no immediate plans to change anything. She is reliable and kind hearted, women like that are unfortunately not as common as you'd like. Although I know she wants to stay with me indefinitely, that is not part of my longer term thinking, but it's not a bridge that needs to be crossed at the moment.
    Otherwise I feel like I am more or less on the right track, I have slowly begun to master the art of not giving into silly, impulsive thoughts, and I am gradually beginning to feel the benefits of that, particularly where my personal finances are concerned. Whenever I feel that anxious knot in my stomach, coupled with the crazy alarm bell thoughts, particularly at work, telling me to throw it all away and move to Thailand, I just ride it out for those few minutes, and then I am good, and I'm back on track. I continue to enjoy my art/drawing and I recently bought myself an electric guitar which I'm loving. I have also become interested in space and the universe, that happended over christmas when I was visiting my parents, at night on their balcony it was crystal clear and I could see the stars. I had a star chart on me, and I started to work out where everything was, the orion belt, and then the red giant, Betelgeuse. At that moment my petty little ego disappeared and I grasped the magnitude of what's out there. It's both scary and wondrous at the same time. One day in the far distant future we will get out there.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  7. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey man, right now I'm in a similar spot as you. Using P from time to time, but the binges I would have in the past are gone, including the strong depressions that would surface regularly.

    All of this is growing up. It will continue and we might as well enjoy the ride. Things always change, for yourself and also in your relationship. I recognize your sentiment, that you know that you won't be with your gf in the future, but for now things are ok. Don't make this waiting phase last too long, because it means that there's a better life for you out there, waiting for you.

    I remember my first speech at elementary school about the solar system. It was so fascinating to think and talk about the universe.
     
  8. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Tough but true, from a third person point of view it certainly would make sense for me to move on sooner rather than later, I can't deny that and any justification I make in keeping things going as they are is just my irrational human mind trying to make excuses for it's own flawed decision making.
    One thing I have learnt from this is that if you settle on a woman who you aren't truly into then it's just a matter of time before the whole thing fizzles out. These days I try to look at the positives in things, mainly becuase life is becoming more challenging than in the past, and if I let the critic in me take control then life's just gonna get unbearable, because there seems to be so many more problems in the world today than 20 years ago, or maybe it's part of getting older, I don't know. There are positive aspects to our relationship, not enough for there to be a long term future, but enough for now. One thing I have learnt after all these years is that the grass can be greener on the other side, but it can also be a lot worse, I guess you just never know.
     

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