The rocky road to who knows where

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Haller_79, May 28, 2016.

  1. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Just looked at some porn that I have to be honest I quite liked. It was upskirt footage which I have never been that into, but for some reason I found this footage sexy as hell. Pretty damaging to the ego to say 'I'm a guy who watches upskirt videos'. Anyway had a pretty good day today as I managed to will myself out of the flat and played a game of social soccer, the weather is/was beautiful and there doesn't seem to be a better way of getting yourself out of your own head than to socialise with people. I just find it so damned hard to work up the willpower to go out these days, the older I get the more I seem to think of reasons why something won't be worth doing. One of the things that often holds me back is money, I got absolutely burned during the recession of 08, and have never really been the same since. When I was in my 20's I never really gave a shit about money, but these days I'm quite the spendthrift.
     
  2. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I folded, I was doing really well for a long while. It's the relentless, sustained pressure that finally did me in.
     
  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey, it's been long since your last post. How long was your last streak, how were you doing at the time?
     
  4. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I had a around a 3 or 4 month streak, not even peeking. Then went back to peeking. Fortunately never went back to full pmo. Sometimes look at porn, then mo later. Work stress and problems the main feeder of my usage at the moment. Doing ok, if I start to slide may look at therapy again, but no need for therapy at the moment.
     
    Thebeg likes this.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    That's a really good streak, did you notice many benefits?
     
  6. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Yes I did, particularly in regards to my overall sense of well being (good energy levels and less prone to anger).
     
  7. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I haven't posted in a while, I guess I haven't really needed to. My flatmate has gone overseas and she will be away for a couple of months, this will be a test for me as she has been my rock and has kept my porn use in check as I never browse smut when she is around. Now that there isn't that accountability I hope I don't let myself down and go back to old ways. It really does take a lot of effort to build something up, but so easy and fast to just tear it all down. Having some hard times at work, although from speaking to my friends a lot of people seem to be facing challenges in the office these days. One friend I caught up with over the weekend has recently quit his job. I just don't feel like I'm in a financial position to do that at the moment. Maybe in the future things will get easier if I can keep chipping away and saving the modest income I get.
    That's about all I can muster up for now, really tired after a hard day at work, I did peek earlier but quickly shut the site down and didn't even get an erection which is good.
     
  8. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Had a binge on Saturday night. Was feeling really tired (watching world cup games at unsociable hours because I live in Australia), just didn't have any willpower at all. Can't really explain how I felt after, wasn't depressed, just a strange, empty feeling.
    I think the thing that was initially driving my extreme discipline (desire to find the beautiful woman of my dreams) has just dissipated now that I have a partner, who to be fair is not hot, but reliable and comfortable to be with. I just feel lazy at the moment, not in a bad way though.
     
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Whereabouts in Australia are you? Would love to live there!

    ‘Reliable and comfortable’ doesn’t sound hugely exciting for a relationship. Are you sure you don’t want more? What’s stopping you going after the girl of your dreams?!
     
  10. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Sydney, a nice (now expensive) place

    True. I've not had any luck going for the girls I've truly wanted. Last one I wasted 2 years of my life on, kept giving me mixed signals and finally flaked on me. Never again. My girlfriend is a really good girl though, heart of gold and we live together sharing rent and other costs.
     
  11. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    My porn use has gone up recently. I think it's largely stress driven at the moment, my job is stressful.
     
  12. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Had a binge last night, little bit disappointing I guess but glad that I didn't drink any alcohol. Pmo + alcohol worse than pmo imo. No porn today though, cleaned my apartment, went to the gym, practiced guitar and did some watercolour painting. Watercolour painting is very hard and humbling, I am a good drawer but man watercolour painting can make you feel like a retard, I will perservere with it though.
     
  13. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I got through Saturday without pmo, first time in a while. Fantasized and jerked off on Sunday, but I can live with that, no problem. I have realised exercise is the only thing that truly works for me. After a work out I feel so calm and at peace, don't care about my past or future, just existing in the now.
    Some problems at work, but that's nothing new.
     
    cjm likes this.
  14. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I just feel totally lost at the moment. It's like I'm always trying to 'work life out', the same way a coach would try to work out a game of sport in order to succeed tactically, yet I don't feel like I'm succeeding, I try one thing, I try something else etc etc, it's like being inside a pinball machine.
    Anyway this afternoon my partner and I went for a bushwalk. After a while we sat down and I just stared into the trees and the river in front of me. Then I saw a fish just literally jump out of the water and back in. Later as we were walking down the track a lizard was sitting in the middle of the track and I just went right up to him and took a photo.
     
  15. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Reset. I have made Sunday afternoon my 'get it out of my system' p + mo (not simultaneous as that seems more harmful) day. I guess I would rather not do it at all if I could, but this seems like a more sustainable system. My partner is almost always away on early Sunday afternoon and by the end of the week I just need to see something exciting to get a release. Anyway, I think when we aim for perfection/no mistakes, we just set ourselves up for failure and the accompanying disappointment. Just a theory I have anyway. Otherwise ok, drinking well under control, I like to play the pokies occasionally but never for more that 2 hours at a time, plus it's more of a relaxation/unwind thing than a dopamine thing. Of course any number of things could turn into something bad but that's the tightrope we'll always be walking I suppose. Exercise hands down the best antidote to my anxiety, that much I'm sure of (I've tried a lot of other stuff and most of it doesn't work).
     
  16. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I have been in a strange place lately, next year I will be 40 years old. I sort of can't come to terms with it. I guess I thought my life would turn out differently, I'm not complaining that it's bad, it's just very different to what I imagined when I was young. On the positive side I think I'm more in the present now than I used to be, I used to be so future and goal oriented, and now that my life has turned out completely differently to those goals, it's like I've stopped giving a shit, it's liberating in a way, but also a little depressing too if I'm honest. I would like to say more, maybe in the next post.
     
  17. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Busy day at work, still managed to squeeze in a workout, do a little drawing and watercolour painting exercises and a little guitar. That is the benefit of having my partner around, she takes care of the shopping and stuff while I'm doing a workout. Just chipping away and trying to stay grounded, keeping it simple until I have a clearer idea in my mind what I want to do and what risks I'm prepared to take.
     
  18. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I got in trouble at work today. Actually I deserved it, I was being an asshole and I deserved to be reprimanded. It's funny when you try so hard in life you can become embroiled in battles that seem like they need to be won in order for you to succeed. But this time I accept that life has kicked my ass, I accept it in full this time. I thought I knew everything but I don't. I don't know shit.
     
  19. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I had a relapse. Damn! I was so close to turning off the computer, but just checked out one more video and that was the one. Far out I am starting to doubt whether the internet itself is even a good thing. I guess it is overall, but my word there are some downsides. I am so stressed at the moment, it's so easy to just escape into the digital universe. I think from now on I need to start listing some positive things about my day because it feels like the negative is starting to corner me.
    Here are some good things about today:
    It's Sunday! (best day of the week)
    I worked out
    I practiced guitar and made progress
    I will do a watercolour painting exercise after this.
    The white elephant in the room is work though, it's stressing me out, I'm already thinking about Monday.
    Just got to try to keep it simple. Big thoughts are not my friend; smaller, rational thoughts will help to keep me out of trouble.
     
  20. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I browsed a few videos and some cam girls today. Managed to close it down without touching my dick. That's good, that shows restraint. I know I'd be better off not browsing at all but I'm not ready for that yet, if I ever will be. Although I have been triggered by what I've just seen, I will close my computer down after this post and do some watercolour painting. Maybe the images I just saw will cause me to jerk off later, but I definitely won't be going back online to browse girls today. Luckily my partner comes back later and she is a big part of the reason I'm able to stay away from porn sites, namely I don't do it while she's around, which she usually is.
    I got some anxiety this week, I don't know why it comes, it doesn't seem to serve any useful purpose, anyway it's just something that you kind of get used to and just deal with, it doesn't seem like it's a fire that can be put out, but rather contained.
     

Share This Page