The rocky road to who knows where

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Haller_79, May 28, 2016.

  1. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    Seems like your flatmate is a great girl....
    I am in somehow similar situation, but a few days ago my "rewiring friend" became my girlfriend and it went to the whole another level, very intensive and filled with cuddling, whispering, hugging and sex.
    A dedicated girl who loves you is the best thing that happened to me...
     
  2. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Nice that your rewiring friend (a term I like btw) has become a more serious girlfriend. I guess not being in love for me means that I don't feel like taking things to the next level, but I am certainly appreciating her presence in this challenge, which I was hitherto attempting solely on my own (and we all know how hard it is).
     
  3. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Today was an absolute slog, so tired now. I had a dream last night that Selina came back to visit me, I was so excited and apprehensive at the same time. Then when I finally saw her, I got that butterflies in the stomach feeling, however she just looked at me for a few moments, and then sort of looked away, as if to suggest that she still isn't interested in a relationship with me. I'm not interested in trying to analyse any of it, but the dream felt significant somehow, it had a strong emotional impact. I haven't given up on her just yet, I will not give up on love.
    Also dreamt that I met my old work colleagues on a train, they all recognised me but weren't really interested in chatting to me. Lately I have been thinking about how much easier my old job was compared to the new one I started this year. One of the reasons I changed jobs was that I felt the boredom I was experiencing in my last one was contributing greatly to me being in a bit of a rut and just feeding my porn escapism. I guess changing jobs has helped on the pmo side of things, but my stress levels during the day get to the point where I sometimes feel like walking into the managers office and telling her what I think of it all and walking.
     
  4. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Looks like I'm going to do it this time, 90 days not far away. I guess there is no real 'cure' for this, and that the number of days is just a number, but it does feel good to finally be on track after so many frustrating attempts. I have maybe had a quick peek at porn for 30 seconds in the last month. I do feel a kind of cleansing or purifying of the mind, and that has so far been the greatest reward for me, my brain is not full of smut images; or at least they have faded greatly into the background, like a weak signal.
    Otherwise I feel fairly normal, nothing remarkable, no transformations or seeing the light or anything like that.
     
  5. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Had some really strong urges today, which seems to specifically happen the morning/day after a night of drinking. Last night I caught up with some friends, we don't see each other that often due to life commitments, so I got on it and drank a lot more than usual. Went to work today tired and hungover, but luckily it was only a half day. When I got home I had that post hangover horniness. The urges were strong, made me realise what a force porn is, it really just taps into the deepest wiring in the brain, so hard to deal with that.
    I ended up having sex with my flatmate, didn't last long (premature ejaculation), but afterwards felt so much better, and I was so thankful to her, I didn't tell her but I really felt she once again saved me from porn. If porn is a fire, then physical intimacy with a genuine person is like pouring water on it. Sad in a way because there will be times when you will have no-one to help you, it's just the way it is I guess.
     
  6. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Well here we are in 2017. I lost another close relative las week, so that made 2 deaths in 1 year - these 2 deaths pretty much ruined 2016 for me. These were people I had known since the beginning of (my) time and they weren't that old either. One of them I got on really well with.... anyway I don't feel like saying any more on that.
    So I have felt really flat, and just feel like I've entered a new world, one that is very different from the one I remember in more halcyon days. I will try to be more positive in future posts, but I do need this forum as a way of offloading at least some baggage when necessary.
    Good luck to you all this year.
     
  7. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    90 days, now I know what it feels like. I feel my anxiety is down quite a bit, although I think a lot of that also has to do with last year being so crazy and unpredictable, the deaths in my family shook me, but have also made me somewhat philosophical lately, in a good way. I am not so much a believer in 'seize the day' now, like I was when I was a young kid, but rather 'appreciate the day'. I am certainly trying to appreciate things as best I can, even when things seem to flow in a direction other than I would like.
    I have thrown pretty much everything at getting porn out of my life, and for a long while 90 days seemed like a bridge too far. I think the main thing is to try different things, and not expect any one thing to be a silver bullet. Like a lot (probably most) of you I read Gary's book before I found this website, I also read a couple of other books on quitting porn before that, but Gary's was probably the most helpful.

    Anyway these are the things I did that I think worked best:

    1) Changed jobs to get out of my rut (it was a sideways move but I knew the rut I was in, in my last job, was contributing greatly to my porn use)
    2) Moved to a new apartment / suburb
    3) Found someone to be intimate with (she certainly isn't the girl of my dreams but she is probably the main reason I didn't relapse long ago)
    4) Working out
    5) Team sport (I decided take up cricket again after a a few years in 'retirement' as weekends were when I would usually relapse)
    6) Hobbies (mine are guitar and learning languages)

    One thing I would say definitely didn't work for me was when I tried to quite porn by setting filters and blockers, it just seemed to have that elastic band effect, and eventually I ended up pmo'ing with a vengeance.

    Anyway I will continue on, and if I have a setback, will start the process again with the knowledge and tools I have at my disposal.
     
    staythecourse likes this.
  8. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Reset. Was likely to happen as I had been viewing occasionally for a week or so. It's funny when you get to the 90 days you sort of don't know where to go from there. Anyway my mind still feels quite 'clean', much better than in the days when I was pmo'ing pretty much every day. Now that I have the reset out of the way I will start the process again, taking things slowly and endeavoring not to put too much pressure on myself, which I have a habit of doing.
     
  9. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Lol..sounds like pretty much everything, which may be necessary and is important to note. Moving, sports, hobbies, job. I agree with a porn block being a temporary setback to future pain. I agree with working out, a team sport, hobbies, positive healthy human interations..the opposite of isolation.
     
  10. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Hey Haller, how have you been?
     
  11. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I'm alright thanks, ups and downs. 70 days is a great effort, takes a lot of self discipline to do that. Lately I have been a bit erratic, have been peeking now and again, but no pmo thankfully, although as we know peeking is the gateway to pmo. Got massively triggered today when I saw a lady with an extremely low cut blouse at the chemist, the image is still burned into my mind. Anyway I'm back to work tomorrow, and although that has it's downsides, it keeps me away from the laptop and phone. Look forward to seeing you hit the 90.
     
  12. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Thanks..we need to turn it into a way of life. I have 90 down as a starting goal, but want to keep going from there. I have a friend I call everyday which is helpful. And then there is all the other good stuff we talk about..exercise, working at something we are passionate about/hobbies..and definitely not isolating is huge.

    I had a friend send me a blowjob picture which fucked me up for a couple days. It was out of the blue and so annoying. Its still burned into my head, but Im glad I know I didnt do anything wrong. It shows me how sick guys can get and how hard it is to function in public when you have porn running through your mind. We are the lucky ones. This is a true gift for us.
     
  13. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I think this will be my last post on here. When I started this I knew I had a real problem with pmo, which I don't feel I have anymore. I was jerking off daily to porn. I think most importantly, every time I clicked on a site, I always ended with pmo, looking for that perfect scene that would lead me to ecstacy. Now I can look at stuff, realise it's fake and simply leave without touching my dick. This is good enough for me. I know I'm not cured, not even close, however I don't think I can be. I like the look of a fit female body and I'm not interested in 'curing' myself of that. I know how bad this stuff can be, but this is not heroin, it never was and never will be.
    It has been interesting to read the posts on here, and identify with the similar struggles many of you have with the opposite sex. I know after I was finally rejected by the girl of my dreams that I was left feeling completely bewildered. At one point she had bought me a box of chocolates with a valentines day message, at that point I thought all my dreams were about to come true with her. Yet, eventually she just flaked on me. Looking back I honestly don't think I did anything particularly wrong. I acted like a gentleman, expressed my romantic interest without being creepy and didn't bombard her with text messages. I guess some things (in fact I believe most things) are simply out of our control.
    Anyway I have a great flatmate now, she likes me and we occasionally have sex. We support each other in life's challenges and keep things simple. She doesn't make my heart swoon, but she also doesn't bring me problems and anxieties which have led me to pmo in the past.
    It has been incredibly hot here this summer and I now believe global warming is starting to wreak havoc on us, I could be wrong, either way we'll find out.
     
    cjm likes this.
  14. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Relapsed - pmo'd a couple of times in the last 2 days, don't want to turn this into a binge. Cricket season has finished, I think cricket was helping to keep me away from the computer on weekends. Need to find another weekend sporting activity or something....
     
  15. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I just watched a porn scene that nearly made my dick explode without touching it, so I just felt I had to come on here to stop myself from acting out.
     
  16. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Can you elaborate how you ended up viewing P? Were/are there particular stressing things going on in your life?
     
  17. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I guess I just wanted to look at some attractive women having sex
     
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    That sounds too vague in all honesty. Your actions are not guesswork. The brain knows perfectly what it wants, but it's a matter of being mindful enough to notice when triggers happen.

    Try to backtrack what preceded the urges to look up P. Did something happen that made you feel bad so you wanted PMO to feel better? Was the situation inviting (e.g. being alone in the house)? Etc. It's really important to know as well as possible what is going on in your mind, so you can adequately fight this addiction.

    Good luck! :)
     
  19. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I think of a girl I wanted to have sex with that I never got the chance to (rejected). I then go looking for similar looking girls on porn sites.
     
  20. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Well here comes a longish post, I guess I just can't afford therapy at the moment with all the money I've had to fork out on my car this month amongst other things. For the first time in a long time I am feeling something close to depression. I took this week off work due to stress and needing to take care of a few things that I didn't have time for on the weekend. During this free time I have found myself in a sort of vortex of disillusionment with many aspects of life. I guess it's at times like these that a lot of people would turn to religion, and maybe I would be better off if I did, but I have too much of a scientific, analytical mind, my mind would just not allow me to yield to something that has no logical base. I have a new neighbour who I can't stand, he cannot seem to bang his whore of a girlfriend without making the maximum amount of noise possible; I mean I am not against people having sex but seriously, don't do your impersonation of a porn star please. I'm also pretty sure this asshole doesn't work either.
    Anyway I blew a lot of money on my car this month, certainly if I was a wealthier man I would have driven it to the nearest scrapyard and bought myself a Tesla or something more in keeping with the modern world we live in, however that just wasn't an option. If I had half a brain I would be able to fix the thing myself, but all the things I've learned in my life so far are mostly impractical, office administration bullshit.
    Suffice to say I have been looking at porn, and sometimes jerking off to it. Yes I know this is a bad thing, but for some reason with my low mood has come a decline in the sort of willpower that has enabled me to abstain from porn for long periods. It's funny cause I don;t even 'like' what I am seeing, that is to say I don't particularly like the women in the porn, but the bonobo chimp in me just want's to bang that wet pussy.
    Hopefully this doesn't read too much like self pity, as I am no fan of it myself. Tomorrow is another day.
     

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