The rocky road to who knows where

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Haller_79, May 28, 2016.

  1. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    13 days in now. Went to dinner with a nice lady tonight, it was an early dinner and so a relatively early finish. I realised it was too early to go back home, I knew if I went home early I'd have too much time with my computer and a very good chance of succumbing to xhamster. So instead of driving straight home, I took a detour to a hub not far away, and just walked around, looking at lights and people milling around. Finally got a bit tired of the aimless wandering and went into a bar, had a couple of beers and played a poker machine until it was late enough to go home. Now I'm back home and I feeling I'll be ok.
     
  2. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Day 19, back home now after a couple of after work drinks. Had dinner and now feel the urge to look at porn and PMO. Not going to do it though. These are the times where I've brought myself undone in the past, with the 'why not just do it this one time, what difference does it make?' attitude. My goal is 90 days, beyond that not sure, but really hope to achieve 90 days. After this little journal entry I'm going to shut down my computer and watch tv, knowing that I've made it through another day with no PMO. Good night guys, wishing you all the best in this challenging journey.
     
  3. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Been raining all day today. then the weather clears up at night, but I had already cancelled my plans, so end up in the situation of being at home with my laptop on a Saturday evening. Once again I will say no, even though I want to surf porn right now. Sometimes it almost feels like you lose your sexual identity when you stop with porn, it's a strange feeling, doesn't feel good. Need to push through the pain, or more correctly, embrace the pain, porn has been my refuge from pain. Good night.
     
  4. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Still on track, although nearly stumbled yesterday. Absolutely pouring with rain all day yesterday (water started to come into the kitchen), forced me to stay inside. So alone with laptop for most of the day, was practising guitar, and then one of my female Skype contacts from abroad decides to Skype out of the blue, while she's nude in bed - lol. Almost as though she was trying to make me fail this challenge. Anyway after talking with her for around 30 or 40 mins I had to MO (no P). Huge trigger, and has been a big test to stay away from PMO since that, but still managing. Good night.
     
  5. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    23 days in now, still going. Right now not feeling so good. Difficulties at work (mainly due to certain people I work with). Otherwise ok, emotions rise and fall, as we all know.
     
  6. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Really tempted right now, have that little voice in my head saying 'why not just do it, what difference does it make, being clean is not helping you?' The stress and anxiety of this week have certainly contributed. Will listen to a meditation recording and try to relax and switch off.
     
  7. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Going out tonight, just as well, I am fairly sure if I stayed in tonight I would PMO, had sex and porn on the brain after my workout today. I'm 4 days away from 30 days, which would be a third of the way towards my goal. Milestones within milestones.
     
  8. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I've nearly seen out the weekend with no PMO, Sunday evening usually the hardest for me. This is certainly not getting any easier, uncomfortable feelings and sensations arising, which are themselves triggers to retreat into porn. Otherwise feeling ok.
     
  9. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    30 days in now, longest I've ever gone, entering the unknown. Lower back pain returning, not good, saw the physio today. Urges to surf porn as strong as ever, would be so easy to throw it all away now. don't want to throw it all away. Have come so far, just want to know what 90 days feels like.
     
  10. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Still going, starting to adjust to life without PMO. Not quite sure yet what improvements I'm feeling. At times I've felt an almost evil anger well up inside me since this 30 day fast, but it generally doesn't last long. Overall I think my temperament is improving. Starting to think this is very much a chipping away process, rather than one of great strides and gains. Need to appreciate the small improvements, and accept the inevitable downsides.
     
  11. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    35 days in, not only no PMO but have not even looked at any porn during this time. MO down to around 2 or 3 times a week, which I'm ok with for now.
     
  12. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Feeling the urge tonight, probably because I'm tired and bit ticked off about something that happened earlier in the evening at a supermarket. Anyway, as always I will plan alternative things to do besides PMO, they will be:

    learn some Chinese
    listen to a meditation recording
    read
     
  13. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Been a long week, pretty wiped out. Right now very tempted to go to porn, even just for the 'switch off the brain/escape' factor that tube sites provide. Will try a meditation recording and then promptly shut down the laptop because I'm vulnerable this evening.
     
  14. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    41 days in and this is about the most tempted I've been so far to just throw it all away. This week was particularly tough at work and it's pretty much guaranteed to be the case for the next 2 or 3 weeks.
    Anyway, I am very close to the half way point of my goal, and so I will make that my next milestone to keep me going. I know achieving a certain number of days is no guarantee of anything, but I just want to get to the 90. Whether or not I can do away with porn for good is something that's just too difficult and stressful to think about at the moment.
     
  15. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Had a couple of close calls in the last few days; jerked off to an erotic story on Sunday evening and last night looked at some porn for the first time since I started this clean streak. Managed to keep my hands well away from my groin area and shut the porn down within 5 minutes or so. In some ways it was a good little test for me. So I'm not counting either as a reset as the challenge for me is no PMO.
    I'm now half way towards my goal. Hoping that the next half of the 90 journey will involve less struggle. I've struggled so much, and I feel that you're not free from your addiction until the struggle is over.
     
  16. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Came the closest I have to PMO last night since my reset. Got home late after watching a gig, and fairly drunk. Watched some porn and started touching it, but shut my laptop down before I got started. Jerked off afterwards. Not going to count it as a reset although it practically was. Watched some more porn today, and again, jerked off after shutting it down with the visual material fresh in my mind. So I guess I'm starting to backslide, but I just don't feel a lot of fight in me at the moment, the 45 days of abstinence have taken their toll, along with a lot of other challenges in my life.
    Funny how I read some people saying that after 2 or 3 weeks it gets easier, in my experience this couldn't be further from the truth. Probably if I had a gf this would be easier, but that is just another challenge in my life right now that I am trying to deal with as best I can. So I will just keep going.
     
  17. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    So I had a relapse last night, thus bringing to an end a 50 day streak, what a shame. Feel ok though, I'm going to set smaller targets this time to ensure I don't overwhelm myself and get downhearted. Starting with 2 weeks.
     
  18. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Starting to feel a bit out of balance again. I think going from being a regular porn user to abstinent for a long period just threw my brain out of whack, too much to deal with all at once. Now I'm starting to occasionally view again, but trying to keep the MO separate, so at least that particular addiction is tapered off to some degree.
    Haven't had a woman in my life for a long time now. Sometimes I really wonder where I'm going, hence the title of my post. I take my job seriously and I do a good job in trying circumstances, I manage to save money, mainly by living in less than ideal accommodation (trying to save to actually buy a place in my overpriced city). I keep my drinking to weekends only, unless there is a social event on during the week. I work out at least 3 times a week, and I learn the guitar and languages to keep both my body and mind in good shape.
    Sometimes I just feel an unbelievable anger, sometimes even racist anger, which is strange because I was never raised to be that way. However things are changing so fast here now, and the things that I grew up with seem to be falling apart.
     
  19. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Been viewing on and off but still no PMO. Not an ideal scenario, but at least I'm not struggling as much. My 50 day clean streak involved too much struggle, and was therefore unsustainable, whether I pushed it to 60, 70 or even 90 days it was just a matter of when, not if. So this time I'm being more realistic and not going to get as emotional about it. The anger I sometimes feel towards a certain ethnic group in my society (from the land of Confucius) is something new for me, and so dealing with it is also a new experience.
     
  20. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Looked at porn again last night but again no pmo; mo'd afterwards. Think I am managing to divorce the MO from the P which is a good thing. Next challenge would be to cut out the P viewing altogether, or at least to maybe just once a week or something, but not ready for that just yet. Will try instead to just cut down a bit more. During the working week I'm pretty good and disciplined, weekends are usually where I fall over a bit. Not really interested in completely cutting out the MO from my life, as some guys on this board have done (or at least tried to).
    Had a cold this week and last night coughing, so didn't drink any alcohol, which is rare for me on a Saturday night. Instead drank 2 cups of camomile tea and felt so relaxed, had a really long, and deep sleep, the best I've had in ages. Had some really vivid dreams, one of them (non erotic) involving a girl who rejected me, the girl I hoped I would marry.
    I realise I have a fair amount of underlying anger towards her. I do feel the dream was somewhat cathartic in that it made me confront the anger that I had been trying to repress. I woke up feeling like I had just seen some incredibly insightful movie or something. Today I have been thinking about her. I know it's her birthday soon and was debating whether I should send her a happy birthday message or not. I guess it all sounds kind of lame, but it's just the way it is. I am getting better at not becoming as emotionally intertwined with the pointless thoughts and what if's in my mind, but you can only take that so far.
    I know some people, such as buddhist healers and authors like Eckhardt Tolle try to completely disassociate from the chatter of the mind, but I am not interested in pushing things that far, not yet anyway. I accept that I am flawed and that my wayward thoughts will possibly, perhaps probably cause me to do things which aren't in my best interests from time to time.
     

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