The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi Eternity, you seem to be struggling lately.

    Have you tried to make plan to put some schedule in your computer use at late hours? Grab a good book instead, or do something else more relaxing before your bedtime.

    I hope you can turn the tide for better soon. :)
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    True: For me, what's addictive is the achievement factor. With MMOs, achievements were taken to a new level and that's what kept me hooked for so many years. I'm going to stick to offline RPGs if I want to play something. I still enjoy a good story and there are still a few games that have those.

    Titan: I used to shut off the computer around 9, but recently I haven't. It worked well back then, and I'm going to try to get back to that schedule.

    Thanks for the support, I will return it soon. I'm starting with mini goals again, as they work well for me. First goal is to stay clean for the rest of the day.
  3. mevsp

    mevsp Guest

    Videogame addiction can be as harmful as PMO. I was addicted to multiplayer games for two years. Some days I spent more than 12 hours playing, I only took a break when I was horny so I could watch some P. The two addictions go hand in hand yes. Stopping videogames definitely helped me in the struggle against P addiction, but it's still difficult. Playing offline games is much better. You just spend an x amount of hours finishing the game and then you continue your day. The online games are made in such a way that you keep playing more and more.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I too would sit playing all day, with brief breaks for PMO. This lifestyle (if it deserves being called one) is what I forget when I'm pulled back. It's the same as with PMO, really. All I can recall are the great moments, the bliss. Sure, I DID have some good times with these games. I built some great friendships (but lost others), and I think they helped me develop some leadership skills, but at least 75% of the time spent was wasted.

    I've struggled some more. I'm stuck in the cycle where I go for a while feeling positive about it, then relapse because I don't think it will hurt. Now, here I am at the first day of an extended weekend, but I'm NOT going to use it as an excuse to PMO. Instead, I'm going to relax and enjoy the break from the usual everyday stress that work is. I also want to go for a walk in the woods. Hopefully I can gain some momentum to get me started.

    I should mention yesterday's relapse. It was very routinized and forced. I didn't have any urges whatsoever, but I forced myself to induce them. Stupid, right? There was no reason at all to do it. It was as if I wanted to get it over with once and for all, but we all know that it doesn't work like that. It wasn't very exciting - rather dull and bleak, actually. I guess that's a good sign, after all.
  5. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I have certainly also had my share of those MMORPGS or online games addiction too. And Im still immersed quite fully in one of them. I know they can be harmful too, replacing your real life quite completely, but still I consider P as my worst enemy. My online game addiction I will deal on later. For me, when I both played those games and used P, P always was first. It hindered my progress in those games. Maybe sadly, now Im playing them just more intensely when quitting P.

    You told that your relapses follow very same routine. Maybe you are one of routine guys, like me. Then you can try to use that for your advantage, by switching unhealthy routines to more beneficial ones and so that those good routines are to be done prior to bad ones. That has worked quite good for me. When I will always do those good routines first, there will be no time for bad ones.
    I hope you can stop that daily cycle of resets and be back on boat soon! :)
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I know that feeling. I guess it's just because it's in our system. Automised behaviour. It takes some time to deprogramm ourselves. Keep going. The addiction will slowly loose its grip on you.
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I couldn't sleep last night due so I ended up giving in to urges at 11:30PM. I didn't fall asleep until 4AM, and I got around 3 hours of sleep. I'm not tired, though, and I'm peculiarly clear headed. On the other hand, all the relapses are dulling my social skills. Social awkwardness is pretty bad. I'm nervous and slightly jumpy. My thoughts go everywhere when I have to talk. Well, I know I will calm down if I start taking the reboot seriously again.

    I'd say I'm mainly a routine relapser. PMO was my routine for so many years before I fell asleep, so it's been easy to fall back to that. It's quite obvious when I can go for the entire day, and then relapse as the day is over.

    Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I will do my best to stay awake until tonight, and then collapse from exhaustion, giving the urges no chance to take over.
  8. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I also relapse because I don't think it will hurt me. It's like there's a stupid friend beside me, trying to talk me into doing something dangerous, as sometimes happened when I was a kid. But I believe. I believe those lies. The rationalizations. This is my sex life, I'm not hurting anyone else, this is very usual and the only negative aspect really is that I have futile negative feelings, as if some tight-ass. And then I go, "Okay!" and next I'm watching something I really shouldn't be watching. And the buzz... heart hammering and all... I start to think that I should stop. That I could quit right there, leave the MO, and concentrate on rebooting. Yeah, right! When I'm that far down the road, only the O (or sometimes two or three in a row) will snap me out of the hypnosis.

    I'm feeling jumpy and socially awkward as well. I know this is not the same, but we can talk here. About anything. You can feel relaxed, we're all in this together.

    Do your best, man! I'm on day zero myself, so you're not the only one that has recently relapsed.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Snacking has often made me feel sick, but it's never made me throw up. Until now. I struggled to fall asleep again, and then the sick feeling came creeping. Only, I couldn't hold it back this time. While it could be something else I ate, I highly doubt it. Had I snacked in moderation, I would have been fine. There's no stopping until I'm full (or even beyond). I still feel slightly sick so maybe it's not over yet. I haven't thrown up in over 10 years, so this is very disappointing.

    I still have some snacks left, but I'm considering throwing them away. I have to accept that it's a waste of money. Actually, it's a waste either way, and at least it'd be better for me like this.

    I haven't managed to make much progress with the reboot. I didn't watch P last night, but I did MO. It's something, but it's not good enough. And maybe it aided the triggering of the sickness. I guess I'm currently in a good place to get started, but it's a pity that it should have to go this far.
  10. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I know how you feel. To throw them away feels like a waste, so one would think that they should be consumed over a longer time in moderation. But there's also a risk there. When you don't feel bad anymore, maybe you'll binge again.

    Buy a lot of healthy stuff. Like apples and such. Vegetables. You can eat a lot of them without the ill effects, and they will not create as strong cravings to overeat. And have plenty of water, all the time. I'd say 3-4 liters a day. That will keep you filling full and lessen the urge to eat as well.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yup, I crave snacks again... I'm going to finish what's left, but that should be concluded tonight. Except some chocolate bars which I'm giving away. It's going to take work and willpower to convert to fruit/veggies/water again after all the snacks and soda. My only comfort is that I've done it before, so it can be done again. Luckily I've kept going with the smoothies, which I still find just as good as soda.

    I'm still having my daily PMO session. I sense another one coming tonight, and I have no motivation to resist it. Well, you never know, stranger things have happened. Maybe I'll get caught up in some Discogs business instead. Almost anything would be better, even if it means potential money spending. Music is about the only interesting thing right now, so I should put more time into it.
  12. mevsp

    mevsp Guest

    If I remember it correctly.. weren't you on a very long 'no pmo' streak not too long ago?
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Like 60 days, which is the longest I seem to get these days. It's been nearly 3 weeks since I broke that streak and I still struggle to get back. Well, maybe I've found a change to make. To be continued.
  14. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    You seem to have a lack of motivation in the reboot. May I ask you why? I remember too that you have formerly managed good number of days without our drug. I do not want to berate you, but why to waste any more time in behaviors that are harmful of our well-being (you mentioned snacks too). We have only limited number of days, why not to try live them fully? I have struggled a lot lately myself too, but when I sense that someone is just basically fallen in routine of relapsing without much fight, I think that little friendly kick in good direction might be in order! :)
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Titan, that's exactly what I've been telling myself all this time. Yet I cannot resist giving in. It's good to hear it from someone else, though.
    I think the reason for my lack of motivation is that I've lost sight of the goals I want to achieve with the reboot. That won't do. When I first started rebooting, I had quite ridiculous goals, but goals nonetheless. Right now, it's as if I only aim to abstain for as long as possible. I have no interest in anything else.
    I'm going to have to start from scratch again. I have to think about what I want in life, and how to achieve those things. Doubtless, rebooting is going to play a large part.

    I made the decision to go to a concert tonight. I'm absolutely terrified, but I will do it. It's ridiculous how I still feel this way when I've been to so many concerts/festivals in the past. Not to mention the far scarier adventures. Being stuck deep in PMO quicksand surely contributes. In any case, I must endeavour in order to improve.

    I've started to run again. So far, I've run 4 times since last weekend. Only short distances still, but I have to start slowly or I'm going to end up injured again. I haven't had any discomfort yet (apart from what's standard when it comes to running) which is good. I'll have to see when I reach longer distances, though.
  16. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I hope you have fun in that concert! I can imagine how you're feeling, and I'm certain you'll face that fear!

    For me it's difficult to form goals in the cycle of relapses, aside from wanting to get out. The addiction takes much of our personalities, our strength. Our view about many things become distorted, as emotions (negative) override too much of the mind.

    You could set goals in running. Short distances now, with time, a bit longer?

    And on the addictions, I recommend just daily goals in the beginning. I think it's good to have something to aim at. I've had a daily goal during this reboot, and today it's number seven. The next goals, if I'll remain sober, will be 10, 14 (two weeks, psychological) and 15 days.
  17. mevsp

    mevsp Guest

    That's so important, knowing WHAT we want in life. Not knowing what we want, not having a goal in life is like driving a car with our eyes closed, sooner or later we're gonna crash. I'm struggling with this as well, with finding a direction I want to go, a concrete goal to strive towards. I'm 30 and still don't know what I want.

    Being terrified to go to a concert... another example of what this addiction can do to a man. A concert should be something to look forward to, to get lost in the crowd, to get lost in the music. This addiction makes us feel terrified to do something that's supposed to be FUN!

    I hope you went anyways and that you enjoyed the hell out of it. Life is short, let us enjoy it while we can.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks guys. The concert was great! I'm glad I made the last-minute decision to go. It was so much better than spending the evening PMOing. It wasn't scary at all. The worst part is actually to leave my apartment, to step out the door. I should go whenever a band I like is playing.

    About goals, I need to clarify a bit. I think I've often confused goals with dreams. I've had many crazy dreams, such as biking around the country. That being said, I can turn dreams into reality. I did so with my trip to Australia. But the point is, a dream isn't something that I necessary have to do. A goal, on the other hand, is something to strive for, to actively work on achieving.

    I really want to run a marathon someday. This, I'd consider a goal because I'm determined to work on it. True, I've decided to start out easy, then progress to longer distances. This summer, my goal is to run a few 10-12k:s. Then, if things go well, I will try for the half marathon. And so on.

    Other than that, I'm quite indecisive. I have a pretty clear idea of what I want to do with my life, and I consider this to be the big goal. In short, I want to get my own house in the country where I can live close to nature.

    What I need, however, are short-term goals. Such as learning this, or experiencing that. This is where I need to think, to find something that interests me. Do I want to get better at cooking? Do I want to become more skilled with a camera? Etc. If I think of something interesting, I will write it down.

    I will once again set mini goals for the addiction in the beginning. I've completed one day, and the next goal is two. Tonight is going to be tough, but I can do it.
  19. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I knew you would go. A rule of thumb is to never let fear keep you from doing something you would want to do.

    Running a marathon is a great goal, and I'm sure you can do it. I myself have never run more than 12k, on a few occasions, that's just the warm-up for a marathon :)

    I think rebooting will help you clarify what you want, and it will give you the motivation to go after it, even if it means going against great fears.

    I know you can do it!
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    What doesn't kill makes you stronger applies in social situations as well, I think. Unless I get humiliated or mugged, I doubt it can hurt my confidence.

    Well, it's evening and the usual urges come creeping. This time I'm not giving in without a fight, and instead I will write here about it. What triggered it? Lying in the sofa watching a TV show. This lets my mind wander, and right now it wanders to dangerous grounds. So, it looks like I will have to restrict my watching for a while. The question is what I'm going to do instead. The weather has been freezing this weekend, and doesn't leave me keen on going for a walk. Driving for a while isn't interesting in the dark. Mindless browsing is like playing with fire. Gaming would have nearly the same effect as watching a TV show. Read a book? Maybe, at least it would work for a short while. Luckily bedtime isn't too far away. Ok, I'm going to shut off the computer and read myself sleepy. Hopefully I can avoid yet another relapse.

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