The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sounds awesome! I use a website for my identifying. It might feel a bit like cheating, but it really helps to get to know certain things. We have this really good website here (called waarneming.nl) where you can just enter photo's of plants and animals and it gives you the most likely options. It's in English too, but you probably have something similar in Sweden.

    Have you tried Mistborn by the way? While I still love Tolkien, after reading too much (classic) epic fantasy during my teens I kinda got a bit bored by the genre. Two years ago a friend recommended Mistborn to me. When he explained the story to me I wasn't really thrilled, but when I started reading I really loved the idea behind the books. And I found it was really well written too. Perhaps not in a Tolkien kind of way, but the guy obviously knows how to hold his audience. Since Brandon Sanderson, the author, has also finished the Wheel of Time series, you probably already know the series, but if not: I can recommend them:)
     
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's unfortunately going to be another usual weekend. We got a ton of snow, and that defeated me. It's mid-April, it should be spring. I just want to do stuff outside. Well, it's Easter next weekend, hopefully the snow is gone and it's a bit warmer.

    The concert was great, I was very tired during though, since it was mid-week and by the time it started, I normally go to bed. It's over two years since the last time I went to a concert, so it's nice that it's happening again. Got ticket for another one soon.

    With the snow I had to skip running. Maybe it will be possible tomorrow.

    @Living I think we have something like that, yeah. Good thing about a book is that it doesn't need Internet or power, but the more options there are, the better.
    I have not. I know about it, but haven't checked it out. In my opinion, I really think that Sanderson saved WoT, since Jordan's late books were... slow, if not standing still. Kind of the Yngwie problem with more is more. I will add Mistborn to the "list" for sure. With the re-reading of Tolkien, I should have stuff for the next 5 years now, haha.
     
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I hear you on the books vs internet-thing. The reason I use the app is that no matter how much I like books they can be pretty inefficient. I still use books for birds and general bugs, but with mushrooms for example I prefer the website I mentioned. Perhaps when I get a bit deeper into them I will switch to books too, but right now I know too little about them to use them efficiently. I haven't read WoT by the way. I might give it a try:)

    Good to hear about the concert too. As for the slip: like I said, when you are on in a habit of giving in a specific situation that can be hard to get out of. Part of you might want it otherwise, but there is also a part of that knows friday is coming and wants it to be a big porn feast. It's all about giving the former part of you some better ammo.
     
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  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this kind of experience. This is when we see the clear difference between being in our thirties and, alas, when we were in our twenties.

    Well done on going to the concert and planning on the next one as well!
     
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  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Living It would be great to be able to identity mushrooms. There are so many that we can eat (and some we can only eat once...) so in these more expensive times they'd help. I only know 3-4 that are safe right now. And that's at least one good thing about Sweden, that we can pick berries and mushrooms almost everywhere in the wild.

    @Thelongwayhome27 Yeah, starting to see some age signs... Still young in my mind, though. It will be scary when the body can't cope anymore, but hopefully I got some 30 years until it gets really bad.


    I may have got some unexpected help. I've been out due to a cold the whole week (quite obvious where I got it) so I'm a bit behind with everything. Got a few fallen trees and tree tops that have broken off that I need to take care of. And then there's the regular stuff, such as the field clearing which was interrupted weeks ago by the freezing cold. I'm not sure that I'm back to full energy yet, but it's good to be able to do something again.
     
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  6. Skittelz

    Skittelz Member

    I notice you have an interest I'm mushrooms, and you also have a lot of indoor time to spare during the winter. Have you ever considered taking up mycology as a hobby? I grow mushrooms indoors in the wintertime, and it is a hobby that is both fun and rewarding. There are hundreds of varieties that grow well indoors, and the set-up is easy to build and inexpensive. Plus it keeps me busy, and therefore out of trouble. Plus mycelium is a very interesting organism, watching it grow is also very cool.
     
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  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hmm, mushrooms for me is more about the "treasure hunt," the search for them in the wild. "Yet it isn't the gold as much as it is finding the gold..."
    But sure, on a small scale that would allow enough for pizza would be nice. I don't know what conditions they need, but I got all types from dark and cold to warm and bright.
    I wish we knew more, because I'm sure that modern day forest ravaging is catastrophic for mushrooms.

    I almost got done with the trees yesterday, all cut up to transportable pieces. That said, I don't think I want to carry everything by hand for much longer. Time to invest in a four-wheel garden wagon. It will be excellent for transporting wood, soil, grass and rocks, without the balance problems of a wheelbarrow.
    I also cleared the mini pond of leaves that had blown in during the winter storms, and added more sand to it. In May I'm going to look into some suitable plants for it. Feels good that I'm back to normal energy levels again.
     
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I can imagine that. It's a bit more difficult here, but I do remember growing up we went for hikes in forests and I loved gathering berries and nuts there. Never mushrooms though. My mom was really overprotective, so mushrooms were a no-no. I totally agree with @Skittelz on mycology. It's a great thing to grow in periods when you can't grow a lot of veggies, but on top of that: they are really interesting. I can really recommend Entangled Life by Merlin Sheldrake. Awesome book on fungi!
     
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  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Had a slip during the weekend, but it's been a few days again. Concert on Saturday but as usual, I don't want to go. It's the social anxiety telling me that it's too scary. I know I'll regret it if I don't go, so I'd better force myself. Even if it turns out to be a disaster, it's better than wondering about what could have been.

    Almost done clearing the fields for spring. Moss comes back so fast, but if I keep at it, it should slow down. Some plants are beginning to sprout, so it will be fun to see if the grass percentage has dropped this year. Got plenty of strawberry plants, which means both flowers and berries.

     
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  10. Skittelz

    Skittelz Member

    I agree, you gotta just make yourself go. Many years ago I had tickets to a concert and didn't go because I was tired as hell. But I've always regretted it, it would have been better to have a bad night rather than feeling like I gave up on myself.
     
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I went, no regrets. That said, this weekend has been yet another bad one for PMO. Really have to disable the laptop now. Not for good, but for a detox period. I can go to concerts etc like this, but I'm sure it would be more enjoyable without these constant PMO sessions.

    I'm still looking for something with which to fill the void after PMO. Weather is not cooperating so, even if I go for walks, I won't really enjoy it = I will most likely stay indoors. I hate that I'm always cold, no viking blood here. Pretty sure my old apartment where it always was +25c destroyed me too. Well, I'll get there. Better to focus more for no-PMO for a while, and let anything else be ok. I always try to change too much at the same time.
     
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I just realised that it's been ten years since I began fighting this. And how far have I come? Feels like nowhere, or even that I'm worse off now... I remember how exciting it was in the beginning, and it makes me wonder if I was actually healing, or if it was mostly a change of mindset/placebo effect for the better. Even if it was the latter, it's so much better than this brooding, gloomy state I have been in for the last few years. I think I'm going to visit those early entries again, that usually helps with motivation. And since it's my own journal, there's no reason why I can't get there again.

    I finally dare to say that spring is here. More flowers each day, and some trees are starting to become green. I want to go cycling again, but first I need to fix the bike. I don't want to do any events, just going on those 3-4 hour long rides is enough.


    Gotta take a little time, a little time to think things over...

     
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Like Living has mentioned, it's important that I break this endless cycle of bad habits. Each week is the same. During the week I keep building expectations, and come Friday, I get my reward. Then follows many sessions throughout the weekend, and on Monday morning I feel ravaged and very shameful. And the cycle starts anew... By Thursday I'm feeling pretty good and the Friday planning is going on in full force.

    I need a different Friday routine for sure. If I could build momentum over a few weeks, it would be much easier to deal with the cycle. A few years back I used to watch 90s Tour de France summaries on Friday evenings. That worked well, because it was very interesting. I need to find something similar. I love documentaries, so there's probably something to watch. Saving them would make Fridays something to look forward to for another reason.

    I'm going to use the power of music more. There's so much out there that makes me feel good. If I can sing along, even better!

     
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  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I'll leave a recommendation for Senna (2010) for next friday which is my favorite sports related documentary and I'm not even interested in Formula One in the slightest. Free Solo (2018) was also very exciting.
     
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  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks, I have no interest in motorsport either. Should be nice though, if I can find it. My favourite topics are nature/environment, history, music, and ultra endurance sports. I know there's at least one cycling one I've got to watch.

    I made a batch of curry to bring to work for lunch. It's been a long time since I last did, and I hope I can keep it up. About an hour's cooking will get me enough for two weeks. It will be cheaper and surely way healthier (vegan) than microwave meals. There won't be much variety, but I don't mind that.
     
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I fully understand where your coming from and this is actually one of the reasons why I left the board last year and will leave the board again the near future. Perhaps this doesn't apply to everybody, perhaps it just applies to me, but when I first got here I had this idea that I had to and could ditch porn once and for all and that would be it. Not that it would be easy or that my problems would fade into nothingness after 90 days or something like that, but I had this idea that if I wanted to quite I would have to quit cold turkey. But after too many years and a whole lot of fuckups I started to realize that that's not how this works for me. Gabe Deem is possibly the only one that I know of that just quit one day and stuck with that. And it's awesome he did that! But most of the people I've met on here are like you and me. We can manage to stay away from porn for a while, but after a while we start struggling again. Curiously, what I did (and what I every now and then still do) is keep on thinking that I should apply that idea of quiting once and for all on dealing with this. It has been just the last two or three years that I started to see how ridiculous that was. What I tried is something that I clearly could not do. I'm not Gabe Deem and while we both struggled with porn our struggles were also very different. So one of the biggest steps I have made (or try to make) is accepting that there is no 'one last time'. For me giving up porn (or rather learning to deal with my issues) is no moment in time, but rather a long process with it's ups and downs. Perhaps there will be 'a last time' someday (I do hope so), but telling myself over and over again that todays session will be the last session and over again proving myself wrong, that was so bad for how I felt about myself and it was debilitating. As long as I kept on doing that I would get completely stuck. And on top of that there was the idea that I was 'broken'. When you work on yourself like this for ten years and every damn time you slip you feel like you're failing, that's no healthy situation to be in. Last year I quit therapy for that reason too. I was just tired of feeling 'broken'. I value this board a whole lot, but being on a board like this and trying to become a fixed version of you for such a long time might be just as bad for you as watching porn is.

    Like I said, this is how things apply to me. I don't want to criticize the board, because I do think it can be very helpful and definitly comforting, but perhaps it's good to think about how the way you have been dealing with porn has effected you. I hope this helps.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2022 at 3:09 PM
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  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Living I've always pictured myself graduating from this forum after a clean year or so. My very first attempt went well, half a year without PMO. Then almost the same again. After that, it's been (increasingly more) difficult. I'll freely admit that I wanted to be a pioneer, one of the first to go completely clean. But I think it's safe to say that it has backfired on me. I felt more hypocritical for each relapse, and today I don't care at all if I give in. Why does it matter? I've completely lost track of the why:s. The reason must still be there somewhere, hidden away. I've grown bitter, Scrooge like, and I resent women because they make me "do things." I've really twisted my mind, and I wonder if there truly is a way out. If there is, it will be very difficult.

    I now realize more than ever, that it never will be over. Even if I can do that whole year, I cannot fully delete PMO from my brain. Instead I need to learn to live with it; accept that it's going to be there, and control it. I've told myself that I can always quit tomorrow. That there's still time. Well, after ten years, time is running out.

    This forum helps, or would help, if I actually put some effort into it. I haven't done that for many years. Shame has driven me away many times. If I try to write more seriously, like this post, it helps. But most of the time I think that there's nothing to write about. Maybe I should borrow your positive things idea. I could really use some positivity after so many years in darkness. I look at most things from a pessimistic point of view. "It's too difficult." "It's too much effort." I'm glad I did that cooking, because it showed me that I can actually do something. I've also had some minor running success after a month of illness and knee pain. And this week I've listened to some good old power metal, in preparation of a project. Many of those songs make me feel good, reminding me of times when things were easier.


     
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you should not try to quit porn, but rather focus on enriching your life. When I first came here quiting porn was my goal, but I've ditched that a long time ago. Quiting porn simply doesn't work for me and in a way I don't even really see the sense of it. Maybe I'm just not wired like that, but quiting porn costs me a whole lot of energy and the result is not doing something. What it comes down to is that you don't get anything in return. Or at least not a whole lot. To me that's a very inefficient concept. What does work for me is spending more time on things I value and since watching porn is not on my value priority list it pretty much gets kicked out of the picture. So instead of spending a shitload of energy on not doing something I don't value, I spend energy on doing something I do value. It's not like I don't spend energy on not watching porn at all, because sometimes I really do need to pull myself out of it. But these are more like emergency situations and not so much day to day struggles. And when you talk about time running out: I can understand that you feel like that from a perspective where you put energy in not doing something, because you don't really get something in return. But when you put your energy in doing something you value instead every single minute is worth it. It's simply never too late to do that.

    Perhaps I've mentioned the book before, but I can really recommend 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris. It has been a great influence on how I deal with issues in general, but also on the way I deal with using porn as an escape.
     
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Living The million dollar question is what to focus on instead. I've long tried to come up with something, but so far nothing has kept my attention for more than an hour. I am a restless soul, the only time I've been able to "disconnect" my brain is when I exercise or play games. I need to think long and hard about the things that matter, because right now I don't see much point in anything. I'll try to remember that book the next time I order - probably after I finish The Silmarillion.

    Yesterday went well. I watched a cycling documentary about a few guys who plan these "impossible routes" and try to finish them. Maybe I'm crazy, but this kind of stuff motivates me greatly. I also want to get out there after watching! I miss adventures - there's one thing I could focus on. Look into more advanced options, because often the planning stage and preparation is as fun as the adventure itself. I've been stuck with an adventure spirit ever since I was a kid. Tolkien didn't help, either. I love testing my limits, though during the ordeals I probably don't agree. In recent years I've dreamt of riding my bike through Sweden, from the very north to the southernmost bay. Should I make it more than a dream?

    Unfortunately, as I went to bed I looked up some questionable things and MO'd. Still, I consider it an improvement since I didn't spend the entire Friday evening on PMO.
     
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