The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    You can do much much better. Back on the horse, man!
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    New try next week. If I can go the whole week only to fall on Friday night, there should be a way. I just have to treat it as a normal evening. Fridays are album release days, so I should turn it into something to look forward to, instead of fear.
  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    You can change your life instantly. All days, are, in essence, the same thing.

    If I can do it...anyone can.
    Eternity likes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Absolutely no trouble, as usual, during the early days of the week. So yeah, I can probably change. The hard part is overcoming all negative thoughts, such as being lonely for a reason and that nothing is worth it. I know that it gets better if I can stay clean, it's just a matter of reaching that point.

  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Been having a curious dream, where I'm walking a path which ends at an abyss. However, it's impossible to go back, and the only option is to drop. Hm.

    Well, ordered the vinyl release of Enya's May It Be. As I collect music and love the LotR films, I had to get it. Nearly 20 years ago, I left a cinema with the most wonderful feelings. I'm so glad that I stayed for the credits and the music that played during those. The final scene faded out, and then began one of the most beautiful songs I've heard, even to this day. What a magical ending to an already magical experience.

    If only I could go back to these times... While it may not be possible in body, it should definitely be in spirit. To connect with that young man and his feelings and dreams.
    Shady likes this.
  6. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    This hit home, buddy! I always had the same perspective: restoring the innocence...resetting the brain...simply being without being...addicted! Just enjoying the simple life and the peasures it carries within!

    As for Enya...not that's a name I haven't heard in a while. Gives me some ideas. Thanks!
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @CleanBootsBaby! I always think that I haven't changed, but that's probably not true. 20 years ago I used to go for walks in the woods daily, sometimes for hours. I played a lot of video games, and watched as much anime as I could. I also used to do a lot of webpage coding back then, but building the sites was more fun than maintaining them. Anything was possible. To me it's pretty clear when things started to change. I began to play Final Fantasy XI, which made everything else seem unimportant. Even today I think I'm scarred by it. Don't get me wrong though, I had some great times, made good friends, and learned a lot about leadership. But I was very addicted to it. I still play some MMOs, but nothing will compare. FFXI was my life. I often find myself longing for those days, to a point where the loss is almost painful. I got a bit sidetracked here, but what it comes down to is that I now have a much harder time caring or taking interest in real life things. Add a PMO addiction on top and it's just a recipe for anxiety and apathy. That's why I want to believe that healing is possible if I can connect to the younger me.

    And I've often picked Enya for relaxing, I like how some her songs are very dark and dreamy.

    There are some great concerts on Youtube for these times, and also historical ones of bands that are no longer around. Watched Rebirth of Dissection last night and it was great. I love how the songs can be both cold and intense.

    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  8. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hey man...I get it.

    But we're gonna make it. Don't forget that! We're gonna make it. We look forward with optimism.

    What is history is history.
    Eternity likes this.
  9. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to stop by and say really quickly that kicking caffeine is possible, even if one has struggled for a long time. While in the eyes of some, it may be too early to declare victory, I am currently four months caffeine-free. This is the furthest I have ever gone in my life (after about 6 years of trying to quit), and the urges and thoughts have gotten to the point where they are really infrequent. During those rare times that it feels a bit compelling to have some, it's short-lived and I can readily access the rational part of my brain to connect sobriety with my long-term goals and the consequences of going back to this (for me) net negative behavior. This applies to my most vulnerable times (when sleep-deprived) as well.

    Healing is possible @Eternity. I hope you are able to discover and further refine the winning equation for a better life. Incremental changes do lead to a more fulfilling life, although it may not feel that way for a while.

    Keep your head up.

    Take care
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Alas, I fell on the finish line. Got to bedtime when thoughts of how it'd be nice to check new stuff appeared. Well, I think I'm getting there. At least most of my Friday evenings are normal now. Next Friday I won't be home until late, so no point in turning on the connection then. Should be good.

    @NewStart19 Thanks. I have managed to quit caffeine for many months before, so I agree. After some time it's mostly down to nostalgia for me. Unsurprisingly, the same goes for PMO. I feel a bit fresher after a week of no caffeine, most notably no headaches.

    Yesterday was new record day. The one I was most interested in was the new remix of Hammerfall's Renegade. While I didn't mind the original Wagener production, there is no doubt that it's very weak. I normally don't like remixes, but in this case it's well justified. Renegade was one of the first albums I bought, and I will definitely enjoy this new version.

    NewStart19 likes this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I really need to find something meaningful to do during the weekends. There's way too much idling now, and it's so easy to use PMO to kill time. I wish that I wasn't tied down by it, making me feel this pointlessness about everything. Even if I get started on something, I soon get tired of it and stop. I lack discipline. This is a cruel addiction indeed.
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I have to agree with you there man. Well, I suppose all addictions can be extremely difficult. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have some very dangerous drug addiction. But there is something about porn and sex addiction that is very difficult in it's own way. The shame of it perhaps. Perhaps it's one of the hardest addictions to talk about in some ways... Because it hits at the core of who we are. And also all the taboo about it.

    Regarding the weekends, have you tried planning ahead sometimes ? Maybe if you would plan out ways to stay busy both weekend days you could start getting used to staying clean those days. But easier said then done I know, especially perhaps in November. Anyways, keep at it ! If you manage to stay clean most weeks that's still something worthy to build on.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 Exactly, other addictions seem accepted to talk about, but I find P too shameful to even consider mentioning. Also, some people are ignorant, they don't believe that this can be considered an addiction.
    I have tried to plan, but there's always bound to be some idle time. I think I'd need to get away from home, but even before rising fuel prices I was reluctant to drive more than I need to. Long bike rides are nice, but yeah, not happening this season. It's also a bit dangerous to head to the woods since it's hunting season here. Maybe I'll dress in hi-vis and take my chances.

    I entered a training program on Zwift again, which will keep me on the bike whether I want to or not. It's also not too busy which means I can try some running again.
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Yeah, "experts" included.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I got home very late last night, which means I pretty much got a free Friday skip. That said, feeling quite dull and empty. Might be caffeine withdrawals, might be this terrible loneliness. Maybe I'm not as anti-social as I think, in a way I have always had company when playing online games. That probably makes more of an impact than I realize.

    Time to bring out some familiar music, I think. Such as from this album which knocked me out when I first got it. It's still one of my favourites. I can't believe that Alexi has been gone for nearly a year already.

  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I'd totally hang out with you, man. Wouldn't even care you're smarter and better looking than I, I promise.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks. Over the years I've come to think of myself as unlikable, how no-one should waste their time on spending time with me. That's the base for my loneliness I think. In this mindset it's easy to imagine various faults about myself, such as not being good enough.

    Ended up giving in again yesterday. My power to resist is very weak now. I wanted to buy some Pepsi today, but at least I managed to resist that. I still don't eat well, but I've done over two weeks of no caffeine or intentional sugar now. I'm definitely less tired, in a way. I have been taking naps but always after a PMO session. Next weekend I'll try to go straight for the naps if necessary.

    Last edited: Nov 21, 2021
  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Now that's a lie from the pit of hell! I stood today and listened to stories from my old neighbor lady still grieving the loss of her husband (happened years ago) and fuming over her son's family. And I wasn't bored or looking forward to getting away from her.

    As I'm writing this I'm consoling another friend that feels down. She, too, feels somehow very similar to you.

    I have yet to find someone I find unlikeable. If you're not again and again an axxhole (and don't punch me in my face out of nowhere) I guarantee that, based on this thread, we have many in common :).

    My cousin suffers from Schizophrenia. He was addicted to Pepsi. From 80 kgs, he blew up to 140. He was morbidly obese. I spent with him weeks of frustration (I think two months of him failing), trying to help him get out of this addiction.

    Finally, he had a breakthrough. He's lost now 15 kgs. I am very very proud of him. He's gone before from 130 to 80, man, so I know how much ability lies in him.

    Wrote this to encourage you. You can beat whatever, and all addictions.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @CleanBootsBaby! I know that it's a lie, but yet I feel that. When I last studied (ten years ago - ugh) I spent a lot of time with girls and they never minded it. And for life in general I can't think of anyone that has been unpleasant with me. It's probably mostly due to that it has been so long time since last I had social contact with anyone outside work or family. Good to hear about your cousin, I suppose what I need is a sign that things are getting better. Hopefully there's a concert early next year, I want to be able to enjoy it without super bad anxiety. It might be a trivial goal, but better than nothing.

    I've been tired but I can't fall asleep. Probably too much work stress recently. I need energy, so I'd better stop draining it even more with PMO.
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I pray God (or whatever you believe in, I don't want to impose my worldview in your thread) will bring one in your life.

    All in all, I see in you, I read a willingness to do the right thing, even if it is shyly lurking below the challenge yourself. Motivation sometimes comes as we continue doing the right thing. Heck, even baby steps, bro.

    Again, if no one outright rejected you, then the reason is inner, and you're not unpleasant, ugly or have anything (deformity) that would repulse people. That means you have a base to build upon. You'll eventually break out of it and it will be EPIC.

    I can relate to that. More than week, 5 hours per night. I'm crashing. I just hope this night will be different...but I didn't want to go to bed w/o checking on you, boss.

    Wish you a good sleep! May it eventually come.

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