The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    A nice post! Okay, now we see that you thrive when you've had a good amount of rebooted days. The last fall was an unfortunate one, right on the threshold before those benefits set in... also, it would do you good to again embrace the adventure by doing things that feel frightening. That girl in Australia, there are a lot of girls out in the world who would make you feel the same way.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I must say that I haven't felt this positive about the reboot in a long time. Urges have hit, but I've turned to other things to keep me distracted. There's no easy way out.

    I ordered some books again. They've been a good remedy for the boredom in the past, and literature is also very cheap compared to other types of entertainment. Reading doesn't make my thoughts stray, either, which is good.

    True: I want to accomplish more challenges. I want to learn how to drive to this concert venue in order to attend lots of interesting events. Missing out on all the bands playing is something I regret, so it's time to change that. I have some other crazy ideas in mind, but we'll see about those. And you're right - she was "just" a normal girl. Attraction to normal girls is just what we want, so I'd say that's excellent proof that rebooting works.
  3. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Well done, good fellow! We're never helpless, even if it has felt that way. There's always room for action when the urges start.

    I've made up my mind to do more reading as well.

    Rebooting works, we've both experienced it. It is so important that we go after this long-term well-being instead of opting instant gratification. We can't have both. One day we'll be old men, looking back. The trick is to learn in a way that would leave us feeling fulfilled at that age. Were we brave? Did we let fear control our lives? Did we fight the addiction or not?
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    If you fear that silence from my part means that I've relapsed, don't worry. I don't feel much need to update the journal too often anymore as it would only repeat what I've written in the past. Maybe I'll update it once a week or so, unless something important happens.

    I've almost got 6 days done, and I still have a different, more serious feeling about this round. There haven't been any urges to watch P, only cravings to eat snacks. I'll keep using my "no money" strategy, and hopefully I can abstain for long enough to make the cravings go away. Meanwhile I'll buy more fruit.

    Speaking of money, this year I'm making a serious attempt at saving. I have been making too many unnecessary purchases the past year, and the more I spend, the longer I will have to wait before I can go back to studying and become what I really want to be. My saving plan will allow some spending, but nowhere near as much as before. I will buy only 2-3 albums per month, but that's enough. I've already neglected too many albums I've bought, not giving them nearly as much attention as they deserve. And there's always Spotify and such.

    Edit: How interesting, mere hours after making this post, I had a wet dream. I've never had one this early on before. It was related to PMO and felt extremely real. I actually think I woke up before the O, too, which made me feel even guiltier at the time.
  5. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I'm not worried about you. I know you have what it takes to reboot for a long time. Your last relapses have done nothing to change my mind, it's only trouble getting started. Sooner or later you'll make it out of the difficult beginning.

    Don't let the wet dream weigh you down, there's no reason to feel guilty. The dream was probably just your mind processing thoughts of rebooting. Perhaps there is a worry of a relapse in the background as well. So of course one would have a PMO-related dream. :)
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's time for a report. It's been nearly three weeks since I last posted, and the full month is coming up.

    Urges/triggers: I haven't had many serious urges, but this one time I was actually thinking about throwing it all away (again). Instead I went to bed, though. As usual, there are triggers everywhere. In order to avoid them all, I need to put on a blindfold. Trigger encounters are simply something I have to learn to deal with. I will move on, not linger. Naturally, the trigger category expands the more I abstain. Soon, even the plainest picture may cause trouble.

    Sleep related: During this short period I've already had two wet dreams. It could be because I didn't go back to PMO for several months this time. The second one wasn't sexually themed, by the way. Speaking of dreams, I've had a few quite vivid ones. Dreams that dealt with childhood/adolescence memories. Interestingly, they put me in a good mood.
    Sleep itself has been good, but as usual I wake up a couple of times each night. I'm used to it, though, and I still feel refreshed in the morning. Compared to the zombie-like condition of PMO, it's like day and night.

    Mood: Up and down, up and down. Some days I just want to avoid people completely. Not so much because of anxiety than resentment. People tend to irritate and agitate me. I do enjoy going over to my brother's, though.

    Activity/boredom: I can't find much to do. It's cold and my usual walking paths are inaccessible. I spent most of my spare time in front of the TV, as much as I don't like to admit it. Most of the time I'm too exhausted to do anything else, anyway. Sometimes I'd check for things to buy when bored, but as I'm on a strict money saving plan I can't do that anymore. I realize how easy it would be to take the step to porn. I refuse to, however. Things will get much better in a couple of months. Until then I have to endure.

    Women: No change here. I still view women as a completely alien race who would not be interested in the things I like. I have zero interest dating, let alone a relationship. But I am still in the early phase of the reboot, after all, and I'm sure change will come.

    Snacks: This is where I've failed. I held out for approximately two weeks, then I couldn't take it anymore. Visions of snacks appeared before my eyes and I could taste them. The major problem is that I want something to snack on when I watch TV. I've also justified it by thinking that it's better if I relapse on snacks than porn. Maybe it was a bad idea to try to fight both addictions at the same time. I have to do something, though. It's clear that this is the bigger problem for me. I seek comfort in snacks rather than porn. I think what I need is that I truly have to realize that it's either snacks or music. The more snacks I buy, the less music I can collect. I have my eyes on some exclusive and expensive albums, which may never become reality if I continue snacking. Am I willing to sacrifice that?
  7. me_vs_p

    me_vs_p Guest

    Ah man if I didn't relapse a couple of days ago I would've been close to a month as well. Be proud of yourself!

    The struggle with snacks is something I have no experience with. I used to be very skinny and only since a couple of years ago I started to gain weight fast, but I'm always happy when I'm hungry so I can gain some more weight. The more kilo's the better lol. You have the opposite problem it seems.
    I know from my mother, who often swears she will stop snacking, that it's very difficult to do so. Often she says she stopped snacking but when I open up the cookie jar I find snacks, I open up the drawer, I find more snacks, I open up the closet, I find even MORE snacks.
    I often tell her ''if you try to stop snacking than why do you buy all that stuff??'' She responds that it's for visitors...

    Oh well, we all have our demons to fight with it seems.

    Good luck!
  8. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    That snacks are better than porn does sound like a rationalization of an addiction. Well technically that may be the case, you don't need to relapse to those either, and I'll tell you why. When you start to listen to that voice that gives you reasons, you're giving away the ability to resist. Then comes the day when the thought is, "I might as well PMO, because I have no sex life anyway, nor will there be one, and besides, if there is a minor negative side to it, I'm only hurting myself." And because you've given in to snack urges, this more powerful urge seems irresistible.

    Snacks are just momentary rewards. And you might over-snack and not feel good at all. Albums last a long time.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    MvP: I'm actually quite underweight, despite my unhealthy diet. I'm really skinny, like a marathon runner. Not that I mind, but it would be nice to gain 10 kilos or so. I think what your mother does is similar to what I do. It's just excuses. I can sure as hell live my life without snacks, but I need to really convince myself of that.

    True: I agree, it's the feebleness of my mind. The struggle continues, and I will do whatever I can not to consume snacks. I've struggled for a ridiculously long time, and it's getting very pathetic. I say the same thing every time, yet I continue to fail. Do I really mean it, or am I just putting a mask on to disguise my true choice?

    I'm updating because I made an interesting discovery. I took a nap this afternoon, and it was short as usual. Then I fell asleep again, and I had a PMO dream. The same thing happened a couple of nights ago. I woke up, but fell asleep again only to have a PMO dream. Therefore, I will get up when I wake up the first time in the morning, instead of try to get some extra sleep. I may be wrong about this theory, but it sure can't hurt to test it.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    And the wet dreams continue...

    I'm getting close to the point when I no longer want to sleep. I'm not sure what's going on, since I averaged 1 WD per month before. I must have had close to 10 the last month. I know I shouldn't care about it, but it seems to affect my energy and mood, making me view the reboot as futile. Of course I won't go back to PMO, but I'd prefer to avoid WDs. They definitely occur when I've woken up at least once during the night. The next time I fall asleep is risky. Maybe I really need to get up, at least for a while, regardless of the time. I'll also try to stay up later, instead of forcing myself to sleep because I'm so bored.
  11. me_vs_p

    me_vs_p Guest

    Oh I didn't read your reply until now. Wait... I'm confused. First of all, you're skinny? I thought you were overweight because of your previous post, but that's ok I've been skinny myself for most of my life. I gained 20 kg's simply by working out two times a week and drinking lots of protein shakes.

    But when you're skinny, isn't eating snacks exactly what you're supposed to do? I eat whatever I can whenever I'm hungry to gain and maintain my weight. Of course I try to keep my diet as healthy as possible.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Do you sport a lot or do you have a 'fast metabolism'?

    I guess that the WDs are a temporary phase. I have a lot of nightmares lately. I think it's part of our brains changing. What really helps me is to meditate for 5 minutes before going to sleep. Sit down relaxed and concentrate on your breathing. When you go to sleep relaxed, you'll sleep better.

    Also reading is better than TV before going to sleep.

    You're doing great man!
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    More like fast metabolism, although I'm active all day at work. What's worked in the past was to reduce my portions. But I have since then got used to having, say, a second dinner which consists of snacks. Next week I'm going to have dinner an hour later than usual, which should keep me full until bedtime.

    I think you're right, I may have these wet dreams because I'm stressed about them, like a cycle in which they feed each other. I will give the meditation a try, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night. I haven't had any for two nights now, which is already making me feel better.
    And yeah, I always read a little before I sleep. TV makes me unable to relax.

    I'm rising earlier and earlier. This morning I got up at 5:25. Yes, that's 5AM on a Saturday morning. I think I will try to get up around 5:30-45 from now on. Once I grow accustomed to it, I can go for a run before work when spring comes.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Today, it's been exactly 2 years since I discovered YBOP and started rebooting. How time flies. I don't feel that much has changed in my life, when it actually has. For the first time ever I have a good income, which has made me completely independent. I have discovered some things about myself, which helped me realize what I really want to do in life. Well, I already wrote a summary at New Year's, so I'm not going to repeat myself further. It's instead time to focus on the future.

    The wet dreams have stopped, I haven't had any since my last post. Perhaps the balance has been restored.

    I have lost count of how many days I've been clean. I have a counter going, but I deliberately avoid checking it. I think it's better for me this way, not focusing on the day count. I only need to check my spreadsheet if I relapse, which is much better.

    I'm using the "no arousal" approach when I reboot. I have since the beginning, but I never put the idea into words. It definitely works, though.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sounds good man. Just these two years already sound like a success story. Imagine what you will write in 5 years! Have a great weekend.
  16. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Perhaps these two years haven't been as good as you wished in the beginning, but think of the alternative. If you hadn't discovered this thing, how would you have felt? I have a feeling this blessing snatched you from the teeth of a nightmare! Much work has been done. They say recovery takes a few years of dedication and work. Let's keep going.

    No arousal it is!
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The past week has been a relapse week. Once again I messed up around 60 days after my last PMO. I don't feel bad, though. The spreadsheet helps me to see that during the last five months, only a couple of weeks have contained relapses. Compared to daily PMO for ten years, that's nothing. As long as I don't make it any worse, I'll be fine. I only slept a couple of hours last night due to one of the long edging sessions for which recent relapses are known. I'll go to bed early tonight due to that. I can usually go the entire day without urges, but the last couple of hours before bedtime, they come. I suppose my resistance and resolve weakens as I get sleepy.

    Back into the thick of the fray! Thankfully winter is coming to an end, and the days are growing longer. It also means that it's time to start my running exercise schedule. In three months, I aim to be in pretty good shape, enough to run 10k+ easily. I'm still worried about my knee, and it doesn't feel right still. But I can't wait and do nothing. If it hurts a little, then so be it. If it gets serious, I will have it examined. Nothing will change if I just sit around waiting. Either way, I'm very psyched about it.
  18. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear you've had trouble. But I'm dead-certain you'll be able to push forward again and escape those tough first weeks. Sleep well, tonight and every night!
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Relapsed again, and I know exactly why. A week ago I figured I may as well kill my boredom with some MMO gaming. While it has made time pass faster, it's also turned on my autopilot. Back when all I did was to play MMOs all day, I alternated between the game and PMO. So it seems like I will relapse if I play games on PC. It almost happens unconsciously, like one can't exist without the other.

    Looking back, several of my other relapses have been accompanied by MMO play. Now that I clearly see the connection, it's time to quit MMOs for good.
  20. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    People can get addicted to gaming as well. It seems those MMO's activate the same circuitry. Your decision is the correct one. None of those games. There are plenty of other fun things you can do.

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