The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    That's a problem I don't know how to solve. Laying in bed for hours trying to sleep, and then when you're half asleep, you don't have the same (any) judgment you do when your awake.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Well, I saw that one coming from far away... The random MOs led to "updating myself." One short session in a month may not be significant to the overall progress, but I know that I currently tread dangerous ground. The following days mean do or die.

    @Doper I actually fall asleep quickly, but I cannot fall asleep on the back. Sometimes I find myself there doing some thinking, and then it easily leads to other things...
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Dying so far, it's difficult to get going again. The situation is as it usually is: I'm lonely and bored, which feeds the addiction. That increases my social anxiety which makes it even less likely to deal with said loneliness. And the cycle begins anew. The addiction makes me conjure up impossible fantasies about a better life, but rather than working on that, I live them out online where no-one will judge me or reject me.

    I know that this is PMO addiction 101 but I don't know where to begin. If I take on too much it easily becomes discouraging and turns everything into a sin. Not only PMO, but food, games, films, music... basically anything that makes me feel good will seem detrimental and questionable to the recovery process. Thus I don't think that "monk mode" works for me. Neither does simply abstaining, because sooner or later I'll be back there. Replacing the addiction with a healthy activity is a good way, but the problem is that I find most things uninteresting. The ones I do like I usually get tired of after about an hour, such as garden work or reading. At the same time I don't want to replace one addiction with another, so maybe adding more good activities and cycling through them is the way to go. The question is which ones...
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    One thing I must do is to post more often. Right now I just creep back into the shadows and ignore everything until it's too late. It may help to write about the urges instead.

    I'm often feeling terribly old. I'm in the late part of the 30s and I'm seriously socially handicapped. I've never had many friends and I've never had a girl. It makes me not want to bother trying since it seems too late for everything. I don't know how much longer I can deal with the loneliness, though.

    Shady likes this.
  5. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i'm 66 and still plugging. you have so much to look forward to. the operative word here is look. get out often. whether the store, the movies. perfect time now for walks in the park. say hi to strangers. every friend, girlfriend was once a stranger. volunteer at a hospital, old folks home, food pantry. this addiction we have first wants to isolate us, then it kills us. hang in there, i am.
    Old Tom Bombadil and Doper like this.
  6. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Active Member

    Hey how’s it going? Next time you have an urge, why don’t you post about it and then if someone is online maybe they’ll give you an idea to immediately kill the urge, like going outside for a short run, or something? It’s what I’m going to try doing. And I will also try my best to check this forum every hour that I’m awake just to help anyone who does make a post like that. I don’t know if it’ll make a difference or not but it’s an idea...
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Day two, as Tuesday usually is. Feeling lazy and unmotivated. Gotta mow the lawn but it's still very wet from some heavy rains, so on Thu or Fri maybe.

    I'm also slacking with training, on average one ride and one run per week. Weather hasn't been great for cycling so maybe I just have to keep doing shorter indoor sessions. Or toughen up.

    @badger I live pretty isolated in the countryside so unfortunately I usually don't encounter anyone, especially in these times. I've always talked about joining a cycling club, though...

    @Mudshovel My critical moment is late Friday night, that's almost always when I give in. Should be easy to avoid then, right? If only. It's finally getting nice outside, so a walk is definitely an option in the evenings now. A healthy Friday night routine has worked in the past so maybe that's the way to go.
    Shady likes this.
  8. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Active Member

    Fridays for you, weekends for me, it’s like free time is our enemy when it comes to fighting this battle. It gives your brain time to think about what it wants to do rather than what it needs to do.
  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Eternity I hate it when weather is too cold to go out. Just stay busy while you're inside.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    No improvement, still failing to resist every Friday. Why I don't post here then is because I don't care. Getting lost in negative thoughts from which I can only find one escape. Loneliness often makes me give up. The long commute to work is not helping either, nor is having to go to bed so early (I've always liked watching and experiencing the night fall during summer.)

    However, there is hope. I have rediscovered my passion for Tolkien. His world is so big and well described, but still full of mysteries. As a youth I was obsessed with it, and I'm feeling some of the same emotions again. I'm not saying that it's the solution, but feeling glad or being close to tears is something I often think I have lost. My own signature quote hits especially hard.

    I finally got the mini pond completed for the garden. I haven't had much motivation for anything else, but it feels nice to have done something, at least.

    @mevsp From my experience with caffeine it's exactly the same there. Day 1-2 are terrible, on the third it eases. We've been here on and off for what feels like forever. Surely we should have beaten this by now, but it really is easier said than done.

    @Shady It finally turned nice which allows me to go outside whenever I feel like. Still lacking a good strategy for indoors, though...
    Old Tom Bombadil and Babylonier like this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Plans for Saturday should eliminate the Friday problem this week. As long as I go to bed as usual...

    Did some short but semi-intense training yesterday. I managed to match my indoors FTP for 20 minutes, but it was hard. I've started to look at some longer rides for the summer, I'd like to do at least three that come close to 200k and perhaps one full day's ride of approximately 300k. Maybe even an overnight ride, but for that I need some gear.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Well, it hasn't been a great time since last post. I've suffered heavily from hay fever, for which I gave up and started taking medicine. It seems to help, but only by calming it down so far. I'm still a mess every morning. The itchy eyes have been the worst part, though. It's so difficult resisting to rub the eyes, after which it gets much worse. I did pick up eye wash too but I'm too scared to use it. Soon I need to force myself to, though.

    Fighting the addiction hasn't been going well, either. A few times I've used PMO as a distraction when the eyes itch. It works but I'm sure there are better ways. I'm on vacation now, which could mean a lot of time for PMO. But I'm going to be a bit positive here, and look at it as a stress free opportunity to lay some foundation for improvement. I don't have to go to bed in full daylight when I'm not sleepy, I don't have to drive the boring and long road to work, I can relax and focus on things I'm normally too stressed out for.

    I have been slacking a bit too much with training. Last weekend I went for a 100k ride, which I completed, but my legs more or less gave up. I had the energy, but not the power. Since I got more time for training now, it's what I'm going to do. At least 500km in July and at least 3 days/week. Going to throw in 2-3 longer rides in there as well. I have this crazy idea to attempt a 400k ride just to see how far I can get. While I can get help if I give up, it'd be interesting to see how the body copes with such a long ride.

    I've been looking into buying a gravel bike, but bike shortage is real. 3-4 months of wait, at least. I could get an MTB, but being able to ride dirt, trails and tarmac with the same bike seems great. Especially for bikepacking trips. If I had a bike for offroad, I'd have the trinity (road/offroad/indoors) covered. But I'll see. By the time bikes will be available, 2022 models will be close.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Ended up doing exactly what I didn't want to do. Days off + no motivation = trouble. Whenever I have nothing to do, it's too easy to PMO instead of doing something productive. I'm feeling defeated, no will left to fight. I'm lonely but I don't want to involve anyone until I'm "healed." That's how it's always been, every time I find a new excuse for not taking the steps. I know how to fix this, but maybe I'm afraid to?

    On the bright side, I think the training is giving results. Compared to a month ago I'm way more confident in longer rides. I've planned to try a 180k ride this week, as long as I take it easy and eat properly it should be fine. One thing I've appreciated about vacation is that I can go for evening rides. It's very soothing to ride into the night and should be a good tool for recovery.
    Shady likes this.
  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Shut up, man, about being old! :D (Btw, this 39-year old fart is posting here just because he just found another Cinderella fan!)

    I get that you haven't had a GF. In my book, you're still better than the ones burned by a bad marriage:

    At the end of the day, you're doing what is right to better yourself. Small steps, man. Small steps. They count.

    Are you really hideous? If not, there's a good chance a nice girl will find you handsome one day. In my case, it was always when I stood away from P. I was so destroyed after my divorce, I didn't even realize that there were women openly flirting with me. It couldn't even fit my mind at the moment. I think this happens to average joes in weal life, too (forget dating apps).

    Again, if you're average...but dress'll bump you a few notches up. Learn some style. So many guys just throw some rags that don't smell yet on themselves and go out to do their thing.

    I'm not naive to say anyone can get a haircut and well-fitted (not necessarily expensive!) clothes will go from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds, but if you're otherwise it. Do it now. Do it when you go to pick up groceries, dress sharp when you run errands. And tell me later if you didn't feel better and people reacted differently to you.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I did it again. Disappeared for a long time. These last months have been rough and stressful, adding more and more PMO sessions.

    Preparing for the 300km cycling event took a lot of time and energy. I ended up riding 800km in July which is by far the most I've done in one month. The event itself was tough. It was freezing cold, and I wanted to give up. I decided to get to the halfway point, where I felt better, and I managed to stubbornly finish. For next year I'm going to focus on events up to 150km, because they're way easier to prepare for, and they also don't take that long to finish. After the event I got a cold, and even now, a month later, I'm partially recovering. I started riding again last week, but I missed out on the registration for Zwift Academy. Well, it's no issue - the training sessions are available anyway.

    I had to get a new car, which was way more draining than I had expected. I'm finally able to settle down after that, knowing that I can reliably get to work again. I've been looking for a new job, but no luck yet. I did actually get called to an interview, though. I didn't get it, but it's still progress.

    I can't recall that much of these months, PMO sessions have gradually increased which adds to the haze. It's just an endless cycle and I begin to wonder if I can actually break free. Fridays are always the problem. I'm fairly sure that if I can avoid PMO on Fridays, the chance of avoiding it for the rest of the weekend would improve. I think I need to force myself to go on walks, preferably in the forest. The calming effect should not be underestimated. Sitting inside, alone, with negative thoughts will obviously lead to trouble.
    Thelongwayhome27, -Luke- and Doper like this.
  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    As long as no one is holding a gun to your head or a machete to your neck, absolutely. You are 100% responsible over what you are doing.

    We are free the very instant we want it. So let me rephrase your question: "Do I want it more than I want that senseless orgasm, that will, invariably, let me down? Do I want it even at the peak of the...siren song, that lead to my demise so many times?"

    You are 100% in control. Unzipping the pants, googling the filth...nothing happens while you fall in a trance.

    I treat myself with the same honesty and it works. I've decided this thing is no longer for me.

    The problem is we don't treat this like something we have control over and like poison.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2021
    Eternity likes this.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    It may sound like silly talk, but you have already done something that 99.99% of mankind will never do. Finishing a 300km (jesus) race in freezing cold weather shows a lot of determination and discipline. That's a reason to believe in yourself.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @CleanBootsBaby! This is true, despite what it seems it's a choice. With a more clear head, I thought about the freedom today, and I've always seen it as the reward for long abstinence. Instead, I want to think that I'm already free. It just happens that this is the first day and step.

    @-Luke- Once I put my mind to something, I'm unlikely to give up. The stubbornness can be both good and bad. Bad when I think that I don't need help. Here I am again, though. And even if I can't do this with willpower forever, it's always useful for to get started.

    I have been doing well in the past. Since 2013 I haven't really put any effort in to quit, though. "I can wait until tomorrow." Enough waiting. The first step is to keep this journal going. Maybe I should try a counter too. It helped in the beginning, but after I while I blamed it for why I couldn't get going again. For the first few weeks it might motivate me, at least.
  19. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Yep! Sometimes a "mentality bump", a change of perspective is welcome. Heard a chap saying: "If I were behind you with a cut to your throat and you knew I'd slice you open if you went on your favorite P site, you'd have the power to control the urge, so you DO have control" - suddenly, his whole "you are not addicted" ceased sounding offensive to me and my rustled jimmies were unrustled.

    Also, the power of passivity. I'm not thinking about "Aaaarghhh, I'm fighting this thing hard!" but rather frame it as: "If I don't DO anything I'm victorious."

    Pretty wicked, if you ask me.

    This is what stole years from me. "Tomorrow" I'm treating it as if there's no tomorrow. If anything, I'm LATE. I don't want to enter my 40s (in January) with this slimy thing hanging on me. I already beat this thing up once and if you did well, too, you know what you're made of and that you, my friend, can do much better.

    It motivates me...keeps me honest.

    But sometimes I even take a break from journaling. So many ways to skin a cat! I simply need to want to.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @CleanBootsBaby! I've had those exact thoughts, that I don't want to turn 40 and still be addicted. While I got a few years still, time really is running out. Either I can go with it, or do something about it. I want to make more of the days that remain.

    Today's workout was harsh, but in a way it feels good to suffer again. I want to try some running alongside cycling, but it depends on whether I'll get knee pain again (one of the reasons I took up cycling.)

    I got a job interview next week. Excited about that, and I don't want PMO to destroy my chances. I have a good feeling about this one, but I'm not celebrating yet.

    The mornings this week have been pitch dark. The last few autumns and winters have made me depressed and I'd rather not see that repeated. I wonder whether PMO or the dark is the main culprit.
    Naturally, I turn to darker music during this season. It may seem like a bad idea, but I find atmospheric black metal very relaxing with its often meditative songs. I can close my eyes and have all worries disappear for a while. Of course I mix it up with more cheerful stuff; a balanced... diet is a healthy one.

    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.

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