The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Mad tired today. Due to snow and cold, the roads have been pretty bad so far this week. Driving now takes a lot more focus than I'm used to.

    I don't think I'm as depressed as last winter, but everything still feels pointless occasionally. I wanted to make changes but now I don't know. Is it worth it... Maybe this is my doom. I'll keep looking for a new job, but they are scarce due to Covid. I partially don't want to study because it will use a lot of my hard earned money, so finding another job would be far favourable. I really hate being indecisive sometimes. I'm certain that staying clean will bring some clarity and answers. It's just the getting there.
    Shady and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hang in there, things will look brighter after a good nights rest
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    How are you doing @Eternity?
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've been gone a while. I stopped caring for a while, not fully, but enough to stop putting in an effort. I have been, and still am, lost about the future; ideas and preferences change almost daily.

    Current status, some good and bad routines:
    - I PMO every weekend, and never on weekdays. In other words, nothing new.
    - I train regularly and cannot wait for spring and outdoors cycling. Zwift is good but it gets dull.
    - I make vegan lunch prep for work. I have found a few dishes that work well and are relatively simple to make.
    - I consume a lot of junk. I tried to quit Pepsi but it gave me an extremely bad headache, so I need a few consecutive days off work to try again.

    Winter has been long, at least by modern standards. I think it's better with snow than the grey and dark that it would otherwise have been, and the land gets some rest. I started to work on the fields when the snow melted, but then it got cold again and the ground went back to frozen. Not until today could I continue. I realized that the fields are overgrown with moss, so that will be my focus this spring. The moss really suffocates most plants, so it will be interesting to see what happens. I still intend to dig a pond when possible. I also want to reduce the size of the lawn, preferably by adding various elements such as even more field, or growing vegetables. Ideally I'd like to reduce it by 50%, but over many years.

    I still have burning emotions for nature and the environment. They sometimes go to slumber, but always reappear sooner or later. At times I feel hopeless and wonder if there's even any point in trying. Often I'm angry at the infinite greed of a small percent of the human race, which sentences the rest to a hellish path with no return. I have to believe, though, that if enough voices speak up, things can change.

    Since the last post I have gotten even more into metal. I have finally begun to embrace (old school) death metal, thanks to Death. I got many bands to look up which is exciting. I didn't make it to Entombed, but I was still saddened by L-G's passing. He was very important to the scene, at least here in Sweden.
    I have turned up the volume, which I actually can do almost limitless since I live isolated. I'm also going to try to grow my hair a bit. It's something I've wanted to try for some years, but I've always given up when it was at about neck length.

    As for PMO, I hope that spring will improve motivation. I also think I need to do more walking. I haven't done any since October, and I think my mood dropped since then. It could very well be a reason for winter depression. What I also need to do is stop looking at PMO as such a heinous crime.

    Shady, Gil79, Doper and 1 other person like this.
  5. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    I picked up Left Hand Path at the flea market for a couple bucks when I was probably about 8 years old, no clue what it was. Money well spent.

    Eternity and NewStart19 like this.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @NewStart19 Thanks. Indeed, Scream Bloody Gore was probably the first album with that classic death metal sound. Possessed were also very important, but were still a lot of thrash. The eternal question is from who named the genre... Mantas (later Death) had a demo called Death by Metal and song in 1984, and Possessed it's Death Metal demo and song in 1984. Sadly Chuck died too early, and at that time I was barely getting into metal. I haven't listened a lot to Possessed yet, but I remember the new album getting a lot of praise. After what happened to Jeff I'm happy about that. I think Spiritual Healing is my favourite Death album, it's so heavy. I'm still missing The Sound of Perseverance, but it should finally arrive tomorrow.

    @Doper I need to check out more stores for used records, for older ones I bet I can save a ton. There's a new store in town which may have some good stuff. I'm old school so I want the actual physical albums still, even though streaming would be so much easier and cheaper.

    A bit moody today. There are certain songs that make me emotional, whether by melody or message. Or both.

    I had pretty much decided not to study for working with the environment/climate, but I'm once again considering it. The issue is mainly money, but there's always loaning. I'm not so sure I want to mindlessly work for the rest of my life. Do I take the risk or keep playing safe? It's been almost ten years since the last time I really left my comfort zone.
    NewStart19 and Doper like this.
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @NewStart19 I do sing at an amateur level, mainly because I enjoy it. Never for anyone else to hear, though. Most of the time I just sing along to what I'm listening to. For that reason I've tried everything from growling to opera, haha. The idea to make covers on Youtube could be fun, but I'm not confident enough.

    Agreed, the problem I seem to have is that I often lose sight of a goal. I can be really into something one day, and a week later it's all in the past. The things that stick are nature and music, but the latter is not really a career option. Perhaps it's better to expand on my nature interest; through photography, tours/trips and voluntarily work. I joined a big nature association so opportunities should appear.

    I'm not sure what other hobby I could add... I like that the ones I have are somewhat connected, but one with a larger social aspect could be nice. I don't see myself dancing. I am a member of the local countryside community, that could be worth investing some time in.

    I've done some fieldwork each day after work. There's still a lot to do, so I hope for decent weather this weekend so I can get a lot done. There is so much moss and old grass, but I'm pleased with the result. I got another big field still untouched. Might tackle it later on. It's by far the one most overrun by moss so it should actually be the easiest one. I'm considering investing in a more professional scythe, but I'll see how this summer goes with the current ones.

    Another indoor cycling session done, and I'm pretty tired. It went okay but I think my FTP is set a little too high. I'm going to lower it if I remember next time. Next ride may be outdoors, though. Unless it's freezing and/or stormy, but even that seems worth defying to get outside. I don't know if I've improved during winter, but at least I've kept going since October, which I've never done before. I highly doubt any event will take place this year either, but I got some long solo rides planned regardless.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The good thing about a long commute is that it gives time for listening to forgotten music. This week it was time for early Metallica. A band I haven't really listened to for 20 years. Bought Ride and Puppets in 1999 or 2000 and played them to death. Then I found power metal and Metallica was a thing of the past. I've always thought that I couldn't recover from the intense listening. However, since then I have delved much deeper into metal, and especially extreme metal. I didn't expect much at the beginning of this week, but I quickly found that I can appreciate the music in a completely different way. What those early albums has meant to the metal world. I have never been a big fan of thrash but I think things are going to change!

    Extracted a fair bit of moss since the last post. I've found some junk underneath: glass, iron, a bike tyre, and a ton of bricks. For the latter I'm going to see how extensive it is and if not too much, cover it with soil. I'm also considering buying a few bird boxes rather than making my own, to get started. I thought I'd have time but spring is nearly here. I'll have to pick up some water barrels and buckets, too. Lost a few this winter due to the unexpected and rapid cold. If I'm going to dig that pond, I need a way to store large amounts of water to make the most of rainfall. I've considered a big tank, but those are expensive.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Another Friday, another PMO. No surprise, it's all habit now and no actual urges. It must begin with breaking the Friday curse. Next Friday will be Thursday, so maybe that will make a difference. I'll probably do some travelling too next weekend. I'm quite tired of falling into worthlessness every weekend. Voices whispering that I'm useless and will be forever alone. Let's see if I can avoid those subsequent PMOs that always happens during the weekend.

    Going to bed soon, I had a shower to get a fresh start. I don't want to go shopping tomorrow morning but I'll force myself to. Quite used to the anxiety now, but I still don't like it.
    Shady likes this.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Nope. I'm always struck by "nothing better to do" and "no point during Covid" when I try to struggle. While it may be kinda true that there's no need to be social right now, would it not be great to build some spiritual and emotional stability now?

    I also completely failed a workout. Even at the start the legs felt sluggish Staying at FTP for 15 minutes was just not happening, especially not twice. I could not summon the energy. While it is due to many things, I don't think I can ignore the effect that PMO has on recovery and energy anymore. I'm going to take 1-2 weeks off the bike and sort myself out. I can't say that I have any real use for the laptop right now, so I'm going to leave the charger at work again.

    Rudolf Geyse and Doper like this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Part of why I sometimes stop coming here is because I'm not good at writing lengthy, insightful posts. It's difficult for me to give support; often I can't come up with a useful reply, or only a couple of sentences. It's related and possibly due to no confidence. I'm very sorry if I come across as rude, but I really do try.

    The plan is to terminate caffeine intake this weekend. It's going to be a few days of suffering, and I will allow some other junk and fast food to ease the pain. I roughly know what to expect and it would be nice to succeed.

    Well, summer time allows for more outdoors work during the evening. I think I've cleared 60-70% of all the fields so another week for everything, maybe.
  12. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i am not a pulitzer prize winning author. sometimes it is better to just write from the heart. no need for perfect grammar. no need to think about it. just write. this is usually the truth. and as the saying goes the truth will set you free. anything you write is excellent advice for someone who is not you. that is everyone else. hang in there my brother.
    Rudolf Geyse, Eternity and NewStart19 like this.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Third day of no caffeine. That terrible headache has yet to happen, and at this point I doubt it will. Something of a very tired feeling today, though. The problem when making the transition has always been to drink enough water. Dehydration is always a risk, so for now I just have to force down water at scheduled times.

    I told myself that I would allow anything, but I've actually not been in the mood for PMO. Perhaps temporary, but it could be important.
    Rudolf Geyse and NewStart19 like this.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @NewStart19 Yes, I'm surprised that it wasn't worse, or even bad at all. I choose a good time to quit, having plenty of days to get some good sleep. I have quit a few times before, and I hope I can go a full month. Usually I get cravings before that.
    I'm really not a fan of tea, nor of hot drinks so I'll pass even though it may be good for me. I'm not quitting snacks just yet to avoid complete meltdown, and that makes me thirsty for water. Having water in the fridge also helps, since that's where I'd go for a drink by habit.

    Nothing much to add... I was able to watch eight moose this morning, it's very rare to see that many together here. I'm done clearing the fields, and now I'm just clearing some connected lawn that I'd rather add to the fields. I bought a couple of rain barrels today so now I can store quite a bit of water. I think I'm going to settle for a compromise regarding the pond this year; I'll make a tiny one by using a plastic bowl. Anything helps, and especially any water area. From what I've heard it only takes a few days before the first creatures settle in.

    Every now and then I pick up some music that I normally wouldn't, and this time I found a contender for album of the year:

    Love the 80s feel, a decade that I always mourn not (really) being part of. At least the music lives on, and I definitely need to expand my collection with some more commercial albums.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Habitual relapse last night No urges, just Friday night boredom. Well, the main objective for a few more weeks is to get off the caffeine and sugar, and that's still going. I've been tired throughout the week, but as the week passed it gradually got better. And when I experienced a heavy head it didn't come with the pounding headache that is common for caffeine deprivation.

    I went for a bike ride outside this week, just a short gravel ride. It was tough due to a bad headwind and soft, loose gravel. But more than so I wonder how beneficial indoors cycling actually was? I suppose I'll have to wait and see until I can get the road bike ready. If it's not stormy today I'm going to clean it, and put the gravel bike on the trainer.
    Shady likes this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Been trying some 30 min workouts on Zwift, and they're fun. I can go pretty hard and still feel ok after. It looks like 10c+ this weekend, so then it's finally time for a proper outdoor ride. My long endurance event was postponed, so there's no pressure to train for it right now. I'll slowly ramp up the distance during the summer, and possibly ride the event distance once or twice before.

    Since the fields are finally "done" I've taken on some smaller tasks. We got daylight until 9PM now which is nice, just sucks I can't stay up much later due to early work. When I gain some balance post caffeine I may be able to do with a little less sleep, but right now I need nearly 8 hours.

    Two weeks without sugar (well, mostly) and caffeine this weekend. Perhaps it's time to put an effort in with PMO. I had one of those weird dreams that left me feeling empty, that something is missing.
    Shady likes this.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Not much to say, but I survived last night, believe it or not. Going cycling as planned in the afternoon, and I got a few things to do outside as well. I might get through the whole weekend.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Very short FMO last weekend, but no P. The crucial three week mark coming up for no sugar soon, when in the past cravings have grown.

    I've done some major rearranging this week; removed the TV from the living room, to a smaller one upstairs which I have wondered about what to use for. It's very cozy, but I could really use a new sofa. I don't use the TV that much, so so far I don't miss it downstairs. The living room is more open now, and music sounds much better.

    Last weekend it was nice outside, but now it's cold again. It snowed heavily today, but not much stuck fortunately. I hope that was winter's last attempt to stay.

    Did an intense workout yesterday, basically 20 minutes of going hard or worse, with 40 seconds of "rest." Harsh. I've seen a 1000km challenge for May, which I may attempt. I need some kind of plan, because I ride way less now, than during winter.
    Shady and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yesterday I got overwhelmed by "I'm bored, should just look up some stuff" feelings. A deep sigh later I just went to bed instead. I'm finally starting to have enough progress, and to lightly throw it away without thought is too much of a waste. No caffeine obviously helped here since I was very tired and could fall asleep easily.

    It's still chilly outside, and I'm not sure what to do about training. Probably indoors again... I want to, however, go for a walk. I haven't walked regularly since October but I am considering it again, but I won't prioritize it over cycling. A longish "adventure" hike each weekend doesn't sound bad at all.
    Shady likes this.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Four weeks of no caffeine. Starting to get nostalgic cravings, but it's manageable. Unfortunately I had PMO urges last night. I forced myself to bed but ended up with a very quick MO. I'm very sensitive now so it was more like a wet dream type, I suppose. The important thing is that I haven't viewed anything I shouldn't in about three weeks. When I get urges I really want to check what's new, a risk that will only grow I fear. Maybe the time abstained will outweigh this curiosity.

    Going on the first long ride of the year (indoor sessions disregarded) today. It should be good, and a step towards even longer rides.
    Shady likes this.

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