The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. badger

    badger Active Member

    i am 66 years old. and still trying to kick this nasty addiction. this is the first time i have gone over 30 days. for me it has taken a lifetime. i believe love is like joy and happiness. the more one searches for it, the more elusive it seems. i believe it is a byproduct of who we are. we decide who we want to be, work on our qualities and interests as you say, and someone with like interests will show up. porn is not one of the qualities and interests for sure. i also regret wasting my earlier years on porn, trash,drinking, and just going through the motions of life. i had a lot of yesterdays but not too many tomorrows so i will not waste today. especially sitting for hours in front of a computer watching filth. today i love my wife-action, hug my kids, share with my friends, am totally present at work and give it all i got. today i call my siblings just to let them know i am thinking about them. just for today. hang in there Shady, don't quit before the miracle.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Today I had some rare motivation to do some cleaning, so I tidied the kitchen. I need to clean the whole house, but anything is good now. I also cleaned the bike, it got very dirty after yesterday's ride outside. But having the option to ride outdoors is nice, to catch a break from the sometimes tedious indoor riding. I'm pretty low on distance this week so tomorrow I need to put in another two hours. I just hope it's not France again. I'm not a fan of the course. I'm leaning towards a goal of 4 hours/week rather than distance (since it can vary a lot depending on the ride.) I'm sure the distance will come naturally when the endurance training enters that phase.

    I will finish the day with a film. I also got a few concerts to watch, and lots of war history. I know that TV isn't optimal, but the MMO strategy didn't work.

    @badger Great to hear how you're improving. It's frustrating that it's eaten so many years, but more frustrating that I've had several chances to move on. Instead I've learned nothing, stuck in an endless cycle. Is this time going to be any different? I think that by focusing on my interests rather than all that's negative, I'll at least stand a better chance.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, that's a hard feeling to cope with. It can hit me pretty hard as well at times. I can do with accepting the past (I think I got better at this) but what hits me hard is when I loose hope for the future. When I become afraid I can't actually fix my issues.

    But the thing is we should focus on the present. On today. And let go of the rest.

    After all, the best way to take care of the future is to work humbly on the present.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 I really hate when a good future seems out of reach. Too much time to think is dangerous since I'll often bring up the past and all the related regrets. Staying in the present is something I find difficult, but it might get easier if I can stay clean for a while.

    I've done my ride, ended up going up a mountain which was painfully slow. It's probably more enjoyable IRL since you can take in the views. At least I got my four hours done so that's good. Now I need to find something to do for the rest of the day. It's very gloomy outside (cold, rain, and fog) so it's hard to find the motivation to go outside. I'm going to check out the loop in the woods behind, at least. Last weekend I ran into a few moose which was a surprise. I've never seen any in the area before.

    I've been thinking about going vegan again recently. It's something I've always wanted to try (and have tried unsuccessfully long ago,) but maybe it's time in 2021. My current diet isn't very nutritional (I pretty much survive on pasta) so I don't think that the transition would be too harsh. What's my reason for wanting to go vegan? I've never really enjoyed eating meat, it's always been a bit uncomfortable. I like veggies way more. What's stopped me is basically the effort needed. But there's got to be easy and fast vegan recipes. Besides, I got the air fryer now which can roast vegetables almost effortlessly. Another reason is that no-one seems very acceptable when it comes to me not consuming meat. But it's time to walk my own path, I think.

    I think I need a positive song today to break the gloomy weather.
    NewStart19 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think that's a really good point. Any active addiction mumbles our mind, our state. It makes us more impulsive, irritable, tired. It clouds our judgment. If we manage to stay clean, as we know, we get to a much better place. It's not perfect and there are many challenges there, new kinds of challenges, but it's so much better already then the instability of actively binging. This holds true for P addiction but also for other addictions (alcohol, drugs, etc.). Hopefully if we could remember this sufficiently, to understand it enough, we may find the strength to keep going when things get hard on a sober streak. Gotta keep trying.
  6. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I switched to being a pescatarian at the beginning of this year, which, while different than being a vegetarian or vegan, required me to set a period of time to experiment with and get used to the transition (e.g. compiling and testing out seafood recipes that "worked" for me, making sure I wasn't getting sicker overall, that I wasn't hungrier or more tired, my grocery expenditures weren't affected too drastically, etc.). I recommend going for the switch, but in my experience the initial months took some time getting used to, so be aware that this transition could potentially add more stress to your system. I mean, if you are going to make a change like this, you'd like to a) see if it is feasible and b) see if it will stick, but you definitely don't want the net impact on your life to be a negative one. As an aside, I didn't get one, and I am not sure about their availability in Sweden, but you may want to look in to getting a nutritional assessment with a doctor.

    You didn't mention any moral reasons for your switch, but if that is some of your motivation, I'd like to mention that I heard a talk with William MacAskill (Philosophy Professor at Oxford who helped start the effective altruism movement) recently and he gave examples where lifestyle change for moral reasons (one of the examples he gave was cutting out animal products from your diet)--while nice--is comparably less impactful when compared to donating to the most effective charities. If you're interested in determining which organizations are the most effective, trying checking out a site like GiveWell that looks at charities based on how far your dollar/pound/euro etc. would go to help improve an issue or save more lives.

    Lastly, have you ever thought about ways to use your established hobby (cycling) to branch out in other areas to either meet more people, learn new skills, or develop new interests? I've been working on this the past year and it's starting to bear fruit.

    Take care
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 The ability to avoid a relapse is a great skill which I'd want. Even if I stop and think about the consequences of PMO, I still go ahead with it. A stronger reason is required for me, so that I have a good argument to bring up. At least I'm trying better than in a long time, where I'd just go MIA after a week or two.

    @NewStart19 I have considered to simply limit my meat intake by a lot. To only consume high-quality such as free range chicken and grass fed beef. But I don't know if I should do that, or go 100% vegan. I'm definitely curious about a completely plant based diet, but like you say, it could have negative effects. When I tried it before, I was always hungry, but that's mostly because I didn't increase the volume. I think, if I can cook more vegan dishes from scratch, the diet will be much better than my current one with a lot of processed food. I think I could check with a sports nutritionist, but I want to give it a go on my own first.
    As for moral reasons, they don't come in first place. Of course I despise the mistreatment of domestic animals, but first and foremost my reason is that I want to enjoy food again. I have definitely considered donating to organizations that want to protect the woods and wildlife, as it is a heart matter for me. I mean, I still pay for an MMO I hardly play anymore, and it would be better to use the money elsewhere.
    I have not considered that for cycling, no. I'm not really sure where I could take it, except to join a club to meet others. It gives me something to think about, at least.

    I've been in a bad mood today, the mood that usually makes me enter PMO mode. I'm getting more and more tired of my job and the long commute. I'm off for the holidays soon, during which I'll consider what to do. The basic plan is to quit next year and either find a new job, or educate myself. It feels a bit insecure to give up a steady salary, but right now I'd rather die poor and content, than rich and bitter. The choice that currently seems right is to pursue my burning interest in nature and the environment. Maybe I shouldn't even think more about it and just follow my heart.
    Thelongwayhome27 and NewStart19 like this.
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Don't quit your job without another plan !! Honestly the ''go for your dreams'' advise is often illusory.

    People quit they're jobs and stark making a living writing a blog about how it's good to quit your job and go for your dreams. They then inspire more people to quit they're jobs and make a living telling others how it's important to go for your dreams. It's kind of a pyramid scheme.

    I'm not saying stay in a shit job but don't throw it away in hopes that you will then look for a new life. It's easily a way to get us in a much worst place !

    I speak from personal experience :)

    What you need to do, rather, is take a deep inventory of why you are unhappy now. Could it be that you are not seeing the positives in your situation (i.e. you are making an income, which is a start) or is it that truly you need to find a different job, career, etc. If it's the second part, then you can start working on that while you still keep your current job.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 Well, that is the plan, maybe I was unclear. I'm not quitting until I find a new job or an education. I've never liked my job, but I could endure it. However, a year ago there were changes and my commute got three times longer. I have to get up at 5AM to get there in time, and it also means that I have to go to bed very early. I also hate spending such long time in the car, and also, my gas consumption these days makes it hurt. If I find an education, I can actually just go on a study leave for a year which leaves me with a safety option.

    Friday tomorrow... It will be day seven and I really don't want to screw up before the holidays. I'm going to check in here tomorrow to avoid heading straight into autopilot mode.

    I did my first Zwift workout today, and I liked it better than free riding. It's definitely more efficient for time. I might do an FTP test this weekend to optimize the workouts.
    NewStart19 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Checking in. Today when I got up I actually felt refreshed, and that is rare. I don't know if it is thanks to a few days off PMO, but I welcome it.

    I think my singing has been garbage this week, but today it seems a little better. I don't struggle as much, which may be connected to the improved energy.

    I need to do some shopping early tomorrow morning, and I don't want to feel unclean, so I'll shut down soon to avoid lingering online. I'm going to watch a film and listen to some music instead.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Great job staying the course !
    Eternity likes this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I think this is a full week. I had urges last night and my heart rate rushed, expecting something. I considered it, but I decided not to. It's currently a very fragile border between resisting and giving in. I am feeling slightly more motivated, though.

    In a few hours I'm doing the FTP test. Slightly nervous about it, but I have low expectations. I'm not a powerful rider, the 2x15 was set at 160w which felt okay but not too easy, but even then I don't think I can output that much more over an hour. I know that this journal often turns into a training log and that it's super uninteresting, but writing it down somewhere motivates me.

    I'm currently consuming lots of soda, but compared to only having some now and then, it makes it easier to abstain from PMO. I know it sounds weird, but avoiding those sugar highs makes everything more stable. The goal is to quit sugar and caffeine, but not right now. That's probably why I often struggle, because I try to give up too much at the same time.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    There were more urges last night, and I got close to giving in. Then I thought about how I didn't want to give an excuse about it for the hundredth time. I managed to go fall asleep in the end, but how many more of these attacks can I take?

    I went out a bit too hard for the FTP test, and in the end I finished with 172w. I may be able to get a better number if I redid it, but it's a very tough test and at least this will give me more balanced workouts. I still need some time on the bike this week, so I think I'll go for an outdoors ride if the weather isn't too foul. It sucks to get dressed for winter rides, but it's so much more enjoyable than the trainer.

    I've been looking into bikepacking recently as it is something I'd like to try next year. I need to get some bags and camping gear, but I think it's a good investment. That also means I can try sleeping in the woods nearby during summer. There's a route of about 1100km that I'm interested in, but there are plenty of questions I need to research first. Where to find water, food, power, etc. I'm also worried about leaving the bike unattended. It would really suck if it got stolen when I'm far from home. Maybe it's good to use a cheaper bike, but I don't want to completely lose my faith in humanity. Besides, I doubt the average bike thief can tell the difference between a cheap and high-end bike.

    Something I've been thinking about recently is how I usually try to avoid any media that features women, lest I am triggered. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't the wrong approach. All I do is to avoid the problem, and make myself even more alienated from women. If I want to work on treating girls as people, I need a change of ideas.
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2020
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great job on not giving in! Hang in there. The attacks will not be there every day
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I survived the weekend! I don't think I've managed that since October. I feel a little more positive and as of tomorrow I won't be alone for about a week.

    I have killed a lot of boredom with The Great War channel on Youtube. Really interesting concept where they go through WW1 as if it was happening in real time. It's dark and sad, often depressing to watch, but it's also something I'm interesting in. Watching a lot of adventure videos too, which motivate me for my own adventures. I think it will be a huge step outside my comfort zone, so I should definitely do it. I'm going to look up gear during the holidays, I've decided on a fairly high budget but I need to get geeky about exactly what to get. The planning stage is at least as fun as the real thing.

    I rode for 40km outdoors yesterday, and considering the painful FTP test I felt quite fresh. In the future I can probably do more back-to-back sessions. Actually, I need to since that's what I'll do when touring. It's hard to imagine doing 100-150km per day, but then again, over 10-12 hours it's reasonable.

    I won't have much time to visit for about a week, so I hope we'll stay safe.

  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Good stuff resisting the weekend !

    I've been watching some WW2 stuff lately. Kind of depressing. I'm not entirely sure if in the long run it could be something dangerous in that it fosters the nihilistic mood for a relapse. On the other hand, for now it's proving to be an effective distraction.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  17. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    That's great news. I'm really happy for you! What a great thing to see while browsing the forum. Don't mean to be too much of a cheerleader, but keep it up!

    On a different note, you mention your cycling activities so often that I feel I should set some time aside to familiarize myself a bit more with all that you mention here.

    As for the war content the two of you mentioned, if you ever get hit with the blues while watching it, you can always reframe it by thinking something like, "I'm really grateful I don't live in war zone," or something like that. Mental activities like that might help offset some of the negative feelings while you continue to watch and expand your knowledge.

    Hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday season, in whatever way you choose to spend it.

    Take care
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Yaay good job.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I slipped yesterday, after about 16 days clean. I had urges and I went back to being alone, which was a bad combination. Nothing to dwell on, I just need to keep moving forward. I got a full week until I go back to work which may be challenging, but I'm going to look at it as a good opportunity to recover both body and mind.

    I've been off the bike for a week, so I need to get started again. I want to go for a long ride outdoors this week, if the weather is favourable. Indoors I'm going to begin some more structured training.

    @Thelongwayhome27 I too have been worried that it may stir some bad emotions. I try not to binge watch which has worked so far.

    @NewStart19 Thanks, although I had a setback I know that I still can go for longer periods without PMO.
    I can try to explain a little better to help with that; cycling definitely has its own terminology.
    I often think of that, yeah: "my life isn't so bad after all." War is truly what I despise the most. Leaders sitting in safety, only seeing soldiers as a resource. We often mention choices here, but what choice did those soldiers have? Did they even want to be there?
    NewStart19 likes this.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I wasn't clean yesterday either. This is taking on a familiar pattern. Today I don't know what to do, except probably go do some shopping. I need to cook a real meal, too - I haven't felt hungry for a week due to all the junk eating.

    I jumped on a month long training program on Zwift. It only takes about 4-5 hours/week so it's totally manageable. It will be interesting to see the results, and actually having a plan is motivating.

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