The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Don't quit your job without another plan !! Honestly the ''go for your dreams'' advise is often illusory.

    People quit they're jobs and stark making a living writing a blog about how it's good to quit your job and go for your dreams. They then inspire more people to quit they're jobs and make a living telling others how it's important to go for your dreams. It's kind of a pyramid scheme.

    I'm not saying stay in a shit job but don't throw it away in hopes that you will then look for a new life. It's easily a way to get us in a much worst place !

    I speak from personal experience :)

    What you need to do, rather, is take a deep inventory of why you are unhappy now. Could it be that you are not seeing the positives in your situation (i.e. you are making an income, which is a start) or is it that truly you need to find a different job, career, etc. If it's the second part, then you can start working on that while you still keep your current job.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 Well, that is the plan, maybe I was unclear. I'm not quitting until I find a new job or an education. I've never liked my job, but I could endure it. However, a year ago there were changes and my commute got three times longer. I have to get up at 5AM to get there in time, and it also means that I have to go to bed very early. I also hate spending such long time in the car, and also, my gas consumption these days makes it hurt. If I find an education, I can actually just go on a study leave for a year which leaves me with a safety option.

    Friday tomorrow... It will be day seven and I really don't want to screw up before the holidays. I'm going to check in here tomorrow to avoid heading straight into autopilot mode.

    I did my first Zwift workout today, and I liked it better than free riding. It's definitely more efficient for time. I might do an FTP test this weekend to optimize the workouts.
    NewStart19 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Checking in. Today when I got up I actually felt refreshed, and that is rare. I don't know if it is thanks to a few days off PMO, but I welcome it.

    I think my singing has been garbage this week, but today it seems a little better. I don't struggle as much, which may be connected to the improved energy.

    I need to do some shopping early tomorrow morning, and I don't want to feel unclean, so I'll shut down soon to avoid lingering online. I'm going to watch a film and listen to some music instead.
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Great job staying the course !
    Eternity likes this.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I think this is a full week. I had urges last night and my heart rate rushed, expecting something. I considered it, but I decided not to. It's currently a very fragile border between resisting and giving in. I am feeling slightly more motivated, though.

    In a few hours I'm doing the FTP test. Slightly nervous about it, but I have low expectations. I'm not a powerful rider, the 2x15 was set at 160w which felt okay but not too easy, but even then I don't think I can output that much more over an hour. I know that this journal often turns into a training log and that it's super uninteresting, but writing it down somewhere motivates me.

    I'm currently consuming lots of soda, but compared to only having some now and then, it makes it easier to abstain from PMO. I know it sounds weird, but avoiding those sugar highs makes everything more stable. The goal is to quit sugar and caffeine, but not right now. That's probably why I often struggle, because I try to give up too much at the same time.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    There were more urges last night, and I got close to giving in. Then I thought about how I didn't want to give an excuse about it for the hundredth time. I managed to go fall asleep in the end, but how many more of these attacks can I take?

    I went out a bit too hard for the FTP test, and in the end I finished with 172w. I may be able to get a better number if I redid it, but it's a very tough test and at least this will give me more balanced workouts. I still need some time on the bike this week, so I think I'll go for an outdoors ride if the weather isn't too foul. It sucks to get dressed for winter rides, but it's so much more enjoyable than the trainer.

    I've been looking into bikepacking recently as it is something I'd like to try next year. I need to get some bags and camping gear, but I think it's a good investment. That also means I can try sleeping in the woods nearby during summer. There's a route of about 1100km that I'm interested in, but there are plenty of questions I need to research first. Where to find water, food, power, etc. I'm also worried about leaving the bike unattended. It would really suck if it got stolen when I'm far from home. Maybe it's good to use a cheaper bike, but I don't want to completely lose my faith in humanity. Besides, I doubt the average bike thief can tell the difference between a cheap and high-end bike.

    Something I've been thinking about recently is how I usually try to avoid any media that features women, lest I am triggered. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't the wrong approach. All I do is to avoid the problem, and make myself even more alienated from women. If I want to work on treating girls as people, I need a change of ideas.
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2020
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great job on not giving in! Hang in there. The attacks will not be there every day
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I survived the weekend! I don't think I've managed that since October. I feel a little more positive and as of tomorrow I won't be alone for about a week.

    I have killed a lot of boredom with The Great War channel on Youtube. Really interesting concept where they go through WW1 as if it was happening in real time. It's dark and sad, often depressing to watch, but it's also something I'm interesting in. Watching a lot of adventure videos too, which motivate me for my own adventures. I think it will be a huge step outside my comfort zone, so I should definitely do it. I'm going to look up gear during the holidays, I've decided on a fairly high budget but I need to get geeky about exactly what to get. The planning stage is at least as fun as the real thing.

    I rode for 40km outdoors yesterday, and considering the painful FTP test I felt quite fresh. In the future I can probably do more back-to-back sessions. Actually, I need to since that's what I'll do when touring. It's hard to imagine doing 100-150km per day, but then again, over 10-12 hours it's reasonable.

    I won't have much time to visit for about a week, so I hope we'll stay safe.

  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Good stuff resisting the weekend !

    I've been watching some WW2 stuff lately. Kind of depressing. I'm not entirely sure if in the long run it could be something dangerous in that it fosters the nihilistic mood for a relapse. On the other hand, for now it's proving to be an effective distraction.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  10. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Yaay good job.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I slipped yesterday, after about 16 days clean. I had urges and I went back to being alone, which was a bad combination. Nothing to dwell on, I just need to keep moving forward. I got a full week until I go back to work which may be challenging, but I'm going to look at it as a good opportunity to recover both body and mind.

    I've been off the bike for a week, so I need to get started again. I want to go for a long ride outdoors this week, if the weather is favourable. Indoors I'm going to begin some more structured training.

    @Thelongwayhome27 I too have been worried that it may stir some bad emotions. I try not to binge watch which has worked so far.

    @NewStart19 Thanks, although I had a setback I know that I still can go for longer periods without PMO.
    I can try to explain a little better to help with that; cycling definitely has its own terminology.
    I often think of that, yeah: "my life isn't so bad after all." War is truly what I despise the most. Leaders sitting in safety, only seeing soldiers as a resource. We often mention choices here, but what choice did those soldiers have? Did they even want to be there?
    NewStart19 likes this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I wasn't clean yesterday either. This is taking on a familiar pattern. Today I don't know what to do, except probably go do some shopping. I need to cook a real meal, too - I haven't felt hungry for a week due to all the junk eating.

    I jumped on a month long training program on Zwift. It only takes about 4-5 hours/week so it's totally manageable. It will be interesting to see the results, and actually having a plan is motivating.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's basically a cycling online game, yeah. You play it by using a so-called trainer to which you attach your bike. The trainer and Zwift then communicate (with the power you input when pedaling) to create a fairly realistic experience. Resistance is increased when it's uphill in game, and so on. Most of the other cyclists you see are other players, but there are a few pacing bots. You can use either a PC/Laptop or smart device to play, as long as they can connect to the trainer via bluetooth or ANT+. Apparently Apple TV is the best way to play, but I just use my PC and an old TV.

    Hope that sheds some light, and always happy to answer. And thanks, I hope we can get going for real soon. Been stuck in the same spot for so long.

    I still struggle and I'm starting to think that there's little point in doing much until work starts again. That always makes it much easier, at least to get going. Tomorrow I may go cycling, but it's snowed today (!) so I'll see what it looks like. If it's too bad I'll do some free riding indoors.

    A few days ago I watched a documentary about Norwegian black metal in the 90s which made me want to listen to some again. I don't think I've realized how much the music has meant to me through the years. There's just something about the atmosphere that I connect to.

    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    2020 recap... not that I can recall much which means that nothing special really happened. Covid didn't affect me much since I was already alone. I was feeling very down and depressed for periods, which I would have regardless. I have been unsuccessful to quit sugar, surprise surprise. Not much change on the PMO frontier either, I have managed a couple of longer clean streaks but overall it's been a struggle. This year I got more into plain Youtube stuff which means that my addiction goes way beyond standard P.

    Was there nothing positive then? It's always much easier to remember the bad stuff. Some highlights I'd say were the long bike rides, as well as getting a trainer. This is the first winter I haven't cancelled exercise, in fact I'm working on getting into better shape than ever before. I also have become more sure about life plans, I wouldn't say that the endless search is over, but I know where to start. The air fryer is another highlight. I've mainly used it for potatoes, but it makes such great chips.

    Some Strava stats: Around 2500km, 16000m climbed, but only 107 hours. I want to ride twice as much in 2021. I have no doubts that can be done, especially if I start going on overnight rides. 200+ hours should be my goal.

    Here's to improvements 2021!
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Here's to a better tomorrow.
    You can do this.
    Happy New Year.
    Eternity likes this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The past week has been one of decadence and perpetual arousal. It's good that the holiday is over because I don't like what it's doing to me. At the same time I dislike my job, but that's partially due to the addiction. When clean, work at least becomes more tolerable.

    I've wanted a Gopro for a while, so I'm going to set myself a challenge. If I can stay clean for three weeks, I'll allow myself to get one. This could backfire, but at this point it's worth a try.

    I did some proper cooking today, and I'd like if I could eat like this every day. The reality is that I can, I only need to put in the effort of cooking for an hour each day. Potato chips take nearly an hour to cook, so that's plenty of time to prepare other things while still being easy.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Today's workout was high cadence, which went well. It's not easy to do 100+ RPM for longer times, but I felt good. I was a bit worried about a stiff knee, but it was not an issue.

    Some reflections on why it's difficult for me to relax: I believe it is a result of long-term MMO gaming. The main thing about MMOs is that there's always something to do or work on. Over time it's programmed me to rush home and log on. Even when I don't play, this remains. There's a big fear of missing out and doing something else leaves me uneasy. It's incredibly hard to sit down for as few as five minutes and do nothing. In a way I can't truly switch off. And, not being able to relax doesn't mean that I can do anything to satisfy myself. Unless it's the grind, it doesn't work. I don't know how to improve this situation. Maybe it just takes time.

    Sad to hear about the passing of Alexi Laiho. RIP.
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    No Gopro for me! Okay, there's still time to make those three weeks before Jan runs out. I want to do some photography again, but I don't want to carry around the system camera everywhere. Ever since my compact died I haven't had the option (phone works but it is a bit clumsy.) A Gopro may not be the best option for quality, but it seems very convenient, especially when riding the bike.

    For today's training it was low cadence seated sprint intervals. I could only reach 450W, which I suppose isn't bad for me given my weight and low strength. 6 workouts in now and it's so much better than free riding. No wonder I haven't improved much beyond basic fitness.
    Gil79 likes this.
  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You know relaxing and doing nothing for a while doesn't mean physically relaxing. It's about clearing your head. You can do this while walking for example.
    I find that I can relax much better when I'm moving around.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Another weekend, another relapse. Well, is it even a relapse if it happens often? It's more like business as usual. I know what I must do, but I'm unwilling to do it. I know where my weaknesses lie, and yet I do nothing. I can't really get an "overdose" anymore, like long ago, that would make me abstain in disgust. I'm going to make it simple. I'll avoid item#1, and if that doesn't help, then at least I've avoided item#1. Anything positive will be good. If my life gets even 1% less decadent, it is a step forward.

    I've kept up with training. Did workouts yesterday+today and I can feel it. Maybe a little bit too harsh, but it's doable and I need to do 4 workouts/week anyway. Better to do it on the weekend than destroying myself during the week. It's also something to do.

    Made yet another nice meal today, same as last weekend. From now it's going to get more difficult to do shopping here, which means I need to plan better. Maybe shop for two weeks, but that's difficult with fresh vegetables.

    A very important song!

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