The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Tomorrow's the big day. The plan is not to turn on the computer at all. A few years back I used to have computer free Fridays, and I want to try that again. I'll just watch some good film and listen to music.

    I've trained twice this week. First was a ride with way too much climbing for a weekday, which left me very tired the day after. I also slept poorly that night. Today I limited it to one hour, and rode 38km with a pace group. Digital km seem much faster, but it took some effort to stick to the group. Hopefully I can sleep better tonight.
    Newwaynewlife and NewStart19 like this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It almost worked out, but I made one mistake: I didn't discharge the laptop. I know that it sounds like a ridiculous excuse, but it seems I'll do anything. Well, on it again. One day I'll be able to bind the clean streaks together.

    Alongside cycling, singing is something that helps. I don't do it when I'm at my lowest, though. I'm not quite there right now, so I'm going to try to sing a few songs every day.

    I've been doing some garden work today, and am about to mow the last leaves. I need to look up more what the best way to handle leaves is, but at least mowing helps fertilize the lawn.

    NewStart19 likes this.
  3. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Don't spend a lot of time alone. Go outside to avoid relapse.
    And keep going.

    I miss cycling. I don't miss gardening.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    How not to spend time alone when I have no friends, though? And sadly it's getting dark very fast now which means little to no outdoors during the week. Cycling helps, but I can't do it every day. I had a good climbing session today with 500m ascent in an hour. I think I'm improving a little at it, it's still torture but not as bad as when I first started with Zwift. I still can't produce much power, but that's something I'm going to work on. It's not that important for endurance riding, but to do 300k in less than 10 hours I need to improve it.

    I've begun to plan for some pond digging. I'm thinking something like 2x1.5m, and maybe 1.5m deep at its deepest, but it depends on how rocky it is. I think I know where I want it, so that's something to work on as long as the ground doesn't freeze (unlikely.)

    I'm exhausted after today's training so it should once again help me sleep.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Unsuccessful, disappointed, frustrated, tired... this is not going well. I'm sick of everything. I can't bring myself to do even the smallest of tasks. I feel like I need to break out of this negative cycle, before I fall into unending darkness. But where to begin?

    Sometimes I feel the need for company, but I'm afraid that it's nothing more than a result of sick fantasies. It is, however, becoming more and more clear that doing this alone won't be possible. I don't think I'm worthy, though. Unless I can stay clean for a number of days, I don't deserve anything good.
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi Eternity. I know that feeling of being alone.

    Maybe seeing close family can be a solution ? Though it can come with certain perils, there can be good stuff that can be found there I think.
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Eternity please don't think like that. That way I f negative thinking is why everyone stays away. You have to believe in yourself and let go.

    This mindset is the most difficult to reach, but once you get there, it's so liberating.

    Friends? If they come, they come otherwise don't wait for them.

    Hang in there, man and above all, avoid relapse. It might feel good, but believe me it just makes things worse on the long run.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 My brother lives too far away to meet regularly, and I don't want to risk my parents' health right now, so it's tricky. Though, once I get the gravel bike set up I should visit my parents more often; I don't like having to use the car to get there.

    @Shady I usually think higher of myself after a week or two. The problem is getting there but I know I can do that at least. I think the worst part is that I know what it's like to be "free", and yet I do nothing to get back there.

    Day two. I've struggled to fall asleep the last two nights, but I have done so without MO which is important. Whenever I can't sleep, I've often turned to MO to help me.

    I did some big cycling after my last post, but indoors is draining. Today I couldn't find much power (it was one of my fastest rides, but I stopped after only 20km) so I don't think I had recovered fully. I'm not going to ride again until Friday, to see if an extra day off helps.

    I gotta fight. I need to remind myself more of why I do this. The long-term goal is definitely to address my loneliness. I'll know later whether I really need a relationship, or if I can become content on my own. I'd like to try some dating, at least.

    Shady and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Day four, and the eve of my weekend. Which means struggle. I've already had a long mental battle, and have decided to treat this as a normal evening. Eat dinner, relax, put on some music and aim for early bedtime. I don't really feel like PMO but the habit is very strong. I still have unsatisfying sleep, but tomorrow morning I don't have to get up that early. Tomorrow it's time for cycling again, and I got some errands to run. It should be a decently busy day.
    Shady and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a pretty decent plan man (and planning is always a key element in keeping the cravings at bay). Congrats on the 4 days so far ! I'm right there with you (Day 5 here).
    Eternity likes this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Well, I'm sorry to say that this is day 1 again. I really have a difficult time dealing with boredom. I'm way too restless to spend a day in front of the TV; it's like I cannot switch off. Add Covid, and it's hard to do anything at all. I'm not the most social person, but a concert would really have been nice right now.

    I've been thinking and maybe I need to choose the lesser of two evils: MMOs. If it can keep me occupied through the difficult hours, it will be the better of options. I know that it's something that should be avoided, but at this point it can't hurt to try.

    I ended up doing a 100km Zwift ride today so I'm at least keeping up with the training. Long rides indoors are hard, but hopefully I'll have the gravel setup done by next weekend. In the end I could only fit 35mm tyres but it should be fine for dirt and forest roads.
    Thelongwayhome27 and Gil79 like this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Day two... I don't think I'm trying hard enough. The flame's not burning. Will I just repeat this cycle until the day I die? I don't want to, but it's too easy to give in to various excuses. Okay, for this weekend I'll try with no caffeine. A test to see whether it matters.

    I've started to feed the birds for this season. It's less crucial than when we still had snow, but it's nice to help. It was heart warming to see a bird take a bath, too. I'm going to pick up another feed station (the fourth) to expand my services a little more.

    I'm watching Life on Earth again, and it's both interesting and sad. It's almost impossible to imagine how long ago it began. It's the same feeling I get when watching the stars, the endless distance and time. Makes me feel very small. And yet, mankind has managed to destroy the planet in just a few centuries. Billions of years, and then came this greedy race. I wish there was something I could do.
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  13. badger

    badger Active Member

    for me it's about choices. I'm new here but been fighting this addiction for over 40yrs. I'm 65 years old. I relapse repeatedly. I used to do the same with alcohol. been sober 17 yrs now. tried everything I did for alcohol on porn addiction. doesn't work. so before I make any choice, I think-is this going to lead me to porn. whether it's opening the computer, watching soft porn movies. doing 2nd and 3rd views on a hot woman in public. staring at women on the street. if I saw a hot woman at the store I used to follow her around the store. pretending I was shopping. these are habits I have ingrained. it is going to take me a long time to change them. but I need to be aware of them first. then I choose to follow, stare or go about my business like any normal human being. hang in there. this is the first time I have reached 30 days in 40 yrs, so I know how hard it is.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This last sentence of you makes me think @Eternity. You really have a deep love for nature and such a concern of how things are evolving. Would you feel better about life if you could do something about it, even if is something small? The other day I read a really interesting article (about a Swiss guy called Remo Largo) about that most people are really not doing (the job) that really fits with their personality. That people make choices in their adolesence which feel safe or which seem logical because of how we were raised. It is often later in life that we realize what we're really good at and what we really have a heart for. Can it be that you're in such a misfit-situation? And that this is why you don't find that 'thing' or motivation to quit porn or find satisfaction? Well, just a thought. I hope I am not being to intrusive. I also think that you have so many nice things going on in your life. You house seems to be great and in a really nice place, the cycling seems awesome and I love to hear about your love for nature and your reflections on this. I really wish that you'd find the thing that you're looking for.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @badger There's always a choice, yeah. But like you say, after such a long time it's difficult to stop and make one. It's often down to autopilot for me. Even when I stop to consider, I cannot argue enough for stopping. Good to see you have a month done. That's when it starts to get interesting!

    @Gil79 It certainly would make me feel like I've accomplished something good, rather than standing by idly. Hmm, that gives me a lot to think about. I've always had this love for nature, but in my youth there were things that at that time seemed more interesting. Things that today seem like a waste of time. So yeah, there's likely a lot to it. If I could go back and choose again, I definitely would have followed my heart. My current job is just a way of paying the bills. I've been searching a long time for what I truly want to do, but I've never felt this strongly about anything before so perhaps I've finally found it. Thanks, often these things are clouded by negative thoughts. I always say that I have no life, but that's not true.

    Unfortunately, it's day one again. Despite no caffeine, I still get bored. When I got a few hours to kill before bedtime, what better then than an edging session? I definitely need a replacement, and today I'm going to reactivate my MMO sub.

    After watching LoE, I'm very envious of other animals' ability to live life with full confidence. They know exactly what to do, and maybe that's why I suffer. There are rules, often unnatural, to everything. It makes it very hard to feel content, and easy to feel that I'm not good enough. I think long distance cycling can help me make some discoveries about myself and my basic nature. If pressed to the limit, other, more primal instincts may appear. That is also why I enjoy walking in the woods: all the pressure disappears and there's no-one around by whom I can feel judged.
    Shady and Gil79 like this.
  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You can do this.
    Eternity likes this.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I went for some serious climbing for today's ride, the final part was really steep but I felt pretty good, for the first time in over a week. I'm a little interested in Whoop, but at the same time I don't want to depend too much on technology. The precious art of knowing one's body could be lost. That said, it could be very interesting to use it to get some numbers on how PMO affects recovery.

    I've had some dreams recently featuring the same theme: me feeling like I may as well be invisible around girls. It's not strange, since it's how I've always felt. But I wonder, why do I get these dreams now? I can't think of any "trigger."
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Not much progress, maybe none. Same old stuff happening, but I'm not really trying. There's not much to try for, I feel. Probably due to my situation, as earlier discussed. Anxiety level is stable - not good - but stable. It gets neither worse nor better. I need something worth fighting for, for real. Just talking about it isn't enough.

    I've got some projects planned for the garden, whether they will turn the tide is hard to tell, but it will at least be time spent well. I will also keep fueling my desire to aid the environment. The question is how far I'll go.

    This weekend I've ridden a century (100 miles) indoors. It wasn't very enjoyable, but faster than outdoors. I think I'm now in the same shape as I was back in June. I'm not going to do any more long indoor rides for now, but save those for outdoors. Instead, I want to try some more structured training to raise my power a bit. It will help in the real world where there's headwind and other resistance.
    Shady likes this.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Struggling pretty badly still. I find it really difficult to find a foothold. It's kinda been the same situation since 2013. I can do shorter runs, but more than a month is rare. What drove me in the beginning? Was it only the novelty or was I truly excited about a new world and life? Somewhere along the road that was lost, either way. The world has gone from colour to grey.

    I often worry that I'm getting too old to experience love. Sometimes I get a feeling of desperation, and that's always a huge trigger. I often think that I missed out on all the fun things during my twenties when I was heavily into FFXI. I had fun and got to know some great people, but back then gaming wasn't as accepted as it is today. Well, is it really too late? Deep down I think that I want to share my life with someone. I don't know if my qualities and interests are good enough, though. Still, I'd like to try dating, but not while I'm this messed up. This could be a valid goal to motivate me.

    If I can get through this weekend, it will be a good start. Today is of course day zero, but I want to be clean for the rest of the month. That way, it will set up me well for 2021.

    Shady and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  20. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    There's no such things as being too old. Keep at it.

Share This Page