The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Well done!
  2. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Good luck, progress isn't a straight line.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks all. The weekend went well, for once. I had Friday urges, but I put on some music instead and drifted away. Of course, it's only a small step and I've been here before. Far too many times. As you can tell, I struggle to think positively these days. It is as if everything is a potential problem. Even the tiniest chore is a pain, and even though I need to do some cleaning, I can't bring myself to do it. I know that it will get better given time, at least I hope I haven't gone too far.

    I'm 37 and I still have no idea what to do with my life. There's too much pressure from society and media to have a "normal" life. It's also very good at projecting a spotless life with no problems. I think, by distancing myself from the world, I am forgetting that reality is far from this. I need to find the path back somehow. Women is out of the question, though. For all I know they may as well be a completely different species. I have developed this belief that no-one would be interested in a weirdo such as myself. I've really been stuck behind a computer screen for too long.

    Time will tell whether it's possible to mend my mind.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't worry about this. I mean, you can work on it. Maybe you can put some thought into it, or ask wise people. But don't be hard on yourself about it. Maybe it'll pop up in your mind after you think of various things you like to do.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    This is very true for social media, people curating their life's some instead of living it. If you feel like you have been stuck behind a screen too long maybe start an activity that gets you away from it.
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Guess I wasn't ready, had a good week but then I fell again. Am I ready now? I don't know. I get this need to act whenever I come across anything even remotely sexy. Seeing how this is nearly impossible to avoid, it may be better to remove the tools. If I make my laptop inaccessible for a few weeks, it should make it easier to dodge the easiest traps. I got this advice earlier but I didn't listen. I tend to get overconfident, thinking that I can do this without any aid.

    I have grown frustrated, helpless and desperate regarding the climate crisis. I want to do something, but I don't know where to begin. And even if I do something, does it matter when those who need to make changes are too greedy to do so? At least I know that it's something worth my time. I already think I do plenty, but I can do more. I can buy more organic and locally produced food, I can turn down the heating a couple of degrees for winter, I can make it a habit not to leave things on standby. My biggest issue is commuting to work. This is causing me a lot of pain and an electric car is sadly out of reach currently. What I can do is to use the car as little as possible, which means that I only use it when I work. If I need to do shopping, I'll do it on the way home. I have been avoiding this because I don't like to go shopping when it's busy, but if it means I'll only use the car 4 days a week, I can deal with it.

    @NewStart19 It's very focused on having a family. I often get the feeling that living alone is a bad thing. And personally, that's where a lot of the pressure comes from. I often think that my parents must be disappointed in me. I don't think that being outside the norm is encouraged. Nearly everything I do isn't what the average person would do, at least that's what I think. But maybe I need to meet people because it has been almost ten years since I last had normal conversations with people.
    By society and media I mostly mean ads, newspapers and social media. Like I mentioned before I think there's too much focus on perfection. I wish there was more pre-filters material.

    The fryer's great. I tested a chicken leg and it came out very moist. And I think I'm getting there with the fries, but I'm still experimenting with time and size of the fries. I've only tried frozen nuggets, but they came out nice and crispy. It's a wonderful machine, a real fryer is likely much better, but I like not having to deal with the oil.

    Cycling: I just got a turbo trainer and Zwift, so I can no longer use the weather as an excuse for not riding. The loose goal is to build good stamina and strength for next spring and summer, when I want to go on some longer adventures. Cycling at home also makes it possible to test whether I can get through a full day's riding.
    Field: I've spent the past week cutting it for the second time this year. I have to wait for spring now to see if it had any effect. It's looked good in summer, though it's mostly grass and quite some moss. I may have to flip the top layer of soil in the future, and maybe even sow some flower seeds.
    positivef and NewStart19 like this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Another week of weakness. At least I finally don't need the laptop for anything, so I can make it much harder to access. I also think I need to write here more often than once/week. There's not much more to add. I feel the darkness of winter approaching, and know that I am at great risk of a depression again. I'm going to go for a walk to catch some daylight in the gloom.
    Shady likes this.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Went for a ride when I got home today. I picked a hilly course and it was harsh. At least it's possible to get some climbing done online since I normally lack hills. I've set a goal of 5000 km before June 2021. I may not complete it, but it's achievable as long as I can get to a good weekly routine. I first thought of doing something crazy like the distance around the world in a year, but that's a bit too much for now (I'd need around 80k per day, every day, to cover 30000 km which is the world record distance.) I should start small and ride through Sweden.

    It was announced that a concert I was going to attend next year is pushed to 2022. I'm not big on social stuff, but I had looked forward to that. Oh well, it was expected. I wouldn't be surprised if most events are cancelled for 2021.

    I'm sorry that I only write here currently. It will take me a while to get back into it.
    NewStart19 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Due to Covid I have a long weekend (Fri-Mon) upcoming. And to be completely honest, I have no plan for it. I know how it begins: happy to be off work for the week, but soon bored when home. Even clearing that first night would be a great step forward. I have been saving Return of the King to watch, so it might be time to do that. If I can stay awake through it, I should be very sleepy. For the rest of the weekend, I don't know. There's some garden work to do still, as well as cycling. Perhaps I'll attempt a 100k ride, to see if I can handle it indoors. If I want to do 5000k, I should aim for that every weekend.
    Doper and Shady like this.
  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Yeah stay busy and keep all of your devices away.
    Eternity likes this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    More weakness. There's still time to turn this weekend around, though. The problem is that everything seems pointless. Lots of could and should, but no action. I still believe that a few clean days can do wonders, so I can only keep trying. I'm going to leave the laptop charger at work, because that's the only way it will be out of reach.

    I never watched RotK so I will do that tonight. Tomorrow I got 60km of cycling to do, which is the only thing I look forward to right now. I was going to do some today, but I woke up late. I guess I'm more exhausted than I think, and need the recovery.
  13. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    How long does 60km take?....holy hell.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    About 2 hours for me, but I'm slow. Indoor cycling is much harder, too, which I guess is a good thing in the end. I also need to get some quality in, rather than just riding. I'll see how that works with my weekly goal, maybe I have to change it but I'm going to give it a few weeks first.

    Tomorrow I finally go back to work. It's absurd how, even though I dislike it, I'd rather be there than at home right now. I'll bring the laptop charger, which is a bit sad but I really can't trust my willpower.

    At least I'm clean today, so far. The sessions have more than ever become routine only. Something I found helps is to remind myself that the women are real people. It doesn't always work, but when it does it makes me regretful and lost in thought.

    I expect that the next challenge will, as usual, be the upcoming Friday and weekend. What a great victory it would be to get through it cleanly.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Tomorrow's the big day. The plan is not to turn on the computer at all. A few years back I used to have computer free Fridays, and I want to try that again. I'll just watch some good film and listen to music.

    I've trained twice this week. First was a ride with way too much climbing for a weekday, which left me very tired the day after. I also slept poorly that night. Today I limited it to one hour, and rode 38km with a pace group. Digital km seem much faster, but it took some effort to stick to the group. Hopefully I can sleep better tonight.
    Newwaynewlife and NewStart19 like this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It almost worked out, but I made one mistake: I didn't discharge the laptop. I know that it sounds like a ridiculous excuse, but it seems I'll do anything. Well, on it again. One day I'll be able to bind the clean streaks together.

    Alongside cycling, singing is something that helps. I don't do it when I'm at my lowest, though. I'm not quite there right now, so I'm going to try to sing a few songs every day.

    I've been doing some garden work today, and am about to mow the last leaves. I need to look up more what the best way to handle leaves is, but at least mowing helps fertilize the lawn.

    NewStart19 likes this.
  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Don't spend a lot of time alone. Go outside to avoid relapse.
    And keep going.

    I miss cycling. I don't miss gardening.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    How not to spend time alone when I have no friends, though? And sadly it's getting dark very fast now which means little to no outdoors during the week. Cycling helps, but I can't do it every day. I had a good climbing session today with 500m ascent in an hour. I think I'm improving a little at it, it's still torture but not as bad as when I first started with Zwift. I still can't produce much power, but that's something I'm going to work on. It's not that important for endurance riding, but to do 300k in less than 10 hours I need to improve it.

    I've begun to plan for some pond digging. I'm thinking something like 2x1.5m, and maybe 1.5m deep at its deepest, but it depends on how rocky it is. I think I know where I want it, so that's something to work on as long as the ground doesn't freeze (unlikely.)

    I'm exhausted after today's training so it should once again help me sleep.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Unsuccessful, disappointed, frustrated, tired... this is not going well. I'm sick of everything. I can't bring myself to do even the smallest of tasks. I feel like I need to break out of this negative cycle, before I fall into unending darkness. But where to begin?

    Sometimes I feel the need for company, but I'm afraid that it's nothing more than a result of sick fantasies. It is, however, becoming more and more clear that doing this alone won't be possible. I don't think I'm worthy, though. Unless I can stay clean for a number of days, I don't deserve anything good.
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi Eternity. I know that feeling of being alone.

    Maybe seeing close family can be a solution ? Though it can come with certain perils, there can be good stuff that can be found there I think.

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