The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    That is how it may begin. Now's the time to be careful. Small targets... a lot of experience... a little hope.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I feel so stupid, sitting here with a strong chaser as I write this. Last evening I thought that it was the first time I had got back on track before it turned into a binge, but all it took was one instant urge for me to spend the rest of the night on forbidden ground. I had several chances to stop, but I kept going even though I was bored of it halfway through. Is the same going to happen tonight? Who knows. At least I'm properly upset now. May Thor grant me strength to resist the evil.
  3. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    The same thing isn't going to happen tonight. You may at first hint of temptation strike as with the hammer of Thor! The addiction is not Jörmungandr, just a few giants.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Still struggling. Utterly frustrated at work so hopefully the holidays will provide enough rest to make me tranquil. Every night it's the same, up until 9 there are no urges whatsoever, but then they come and promise salvation. My feeble mind succumbs to the temptation immediately, and here I am once again.

    Perhaps I need the counter. Even if there are lots of doubts about the use of one, it personally helps me gain momentum. So, for once I should do what is best for me and not what someone else says.

    First goal: no MO before I fall asleep.
  5. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I don't know if a counter helps one avoid a relapse, but I think it's good to keep counting the days. Each milestone is a positive experience. Rebooting is so hard that positive feedback is very welcome!

    Do what you think is best. We each have to create our own sets of rules to make it possible for us to reboot. What's good for one man might be harmful to the next. Whaveter you do, don't lose hope about this! The future is uncertain, fuck knows if I'll ever find happiness, but like this I will find nothing but unhappiness.

    I look back at the year and realize that I was the most happy when I had a good reboot going. Even then there was a lot of stress, disappointment, and so on. But after a relapse... what an awful feeling.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Well, the counter sure hasn't helped me yet - but I think it will once I get started. I will also utilize my whiteboard.

    My fondest memories from recent years is also from periods of good rebooting. Trips, concerts, random walks... When off the PMO, my life is much more colourful.

    Unless I M in bed, I will have completed the first crucial day. Hopefully it's the break I need. I've felt different today, having some motivation back. I cleaned a bit and not even going to work tomorrow seems bad.

    I've binged heavily on snacks the last week. Due to it, I've skipped some regular meals. I've woken up at 1-2AM feeling sick, wanting to throw up. Water tastes good now... I cannot consume snacks as treats. It's all or nothing. Christmas is going to be tough, that's for sure. But it's worth a try, keeping the recent experiences in mind.

    I'm pretty sleepy so I think I will head to bed. Hopefully I can fall asleep quickly.
  7. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Einstein must have been rebooting because he knew relativity so well. A day of rebooting is nothing when one is on day 40 or something and there are no urges. But day one sometimes, it's a killer, with the chasing urges and the hit of a relapse on self-esteem and -confidence. I had a good day yesterday and for that I'm grateful. An addiction-free day is something to be appreciated.

    Christmas and the snacking... that seems like a real challenge. With food, you could make a sort of schedule about it. You can plan days ahead. What you will be eating, how much, the timing of the meals, everything. If you feel that you can't control yourself, that just some snacks will lead to a binge, try to arrange that you won't be having access to snacks at any time. I can see it's difficult if you're with family and there are a lot of snacks about...
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yes, the beginning is brutal and definitely the worst part. My day wasn't as good as yours, but I withstood the urges and survived the day. Next up, two days! Hopefully it'll only be a week of relapses instead of the usual months.

    Leaving my payment options at home when I go to work helps - at least it did today. During the day, I planned to buy something to celebrate that the working year is over, but on the way home I changed my mind. I would have headed straight for the store if I had brought money. The trick is definitely not to buy anything. It's simple, yet difficult. I doubt I can get through tomorrow without eating anything sweet, but who knows... stranger things have happened.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Nope. I couldn't fall asleep last night so I ended up MOing. At least I didn't start up the computer... The chaser is strong today.
  10. Me_vs_P

    Me_vs_P Guest

    Hey... I remember you were on a crazy long streak before right? What happened?
    I hope you get back on track soon. Chasers are a bitch, I had some last week and they drove me crazy. They say that what you resist, persist. I definitely experienced that when I was having strong cravings, the more I tried to not of think of them the more they popped up in my head. I took the advice that I've gotten from many on the forum and just distracted myself as much as possible. I left my house and stayed away from my computer until the cravings got less. Took a day or two, after that the cravings got manageable.
    Stay strong!
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks for the support. Boredom and frustration happened, I suppose. Right now I want to relapse, so I'm going to post before the relapse instead of after it as usual. Maybe it will make me stay strong. If I'm considering the option to not relapse, I should be able to make it reality. I might go for a walk as well, seeing how the rain has stopped for now.
  12. Me_vs_P

    Me_vs_P Guest

    I'm also considering relapsing right now. I feel so shitty I miss the old pmo days. I just wanna lay naked in front of the tv with lube in my hand and jerk off at least five times in a row. Hmm sounds so tempting. Just jerk off until I have enough mental fog again to forget my problems. Don't care if I feel like crap for the next coming days after a relapse and if I feel like a zombie tomorrow during christmas. All what's important right now is to get rid of these terrible emotions. Boredom and frustration are exactly the reasons why I want to relapse as well.
    Let's make a deal. I won't relapse today if you won't... deal?
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah, we have a deal. Remember, the memory is always sweeter than the experience! I'm heading out for a walk soon to clear my head.
  14. Me_vs_P

    Me_vs_P Guest

    ok I won't relapse either. I have to stay away from this fucking computer right now, it's dangerous.

    btw I love FF music. I have almost all soundtracks.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Uematsu's music is one of my most reliable allies in this battle. It puts me at ease like nothing else. I'm trying to collect most of the soundtracks, but they're quite expensive and sometimes hard to find. Though, as a music collector that's only a good challenge.

    Urges appeared as I was trying to fall asleep last night. It was a mental struggle but I stayed in control. Tonight is going to be just as tough, I fear. I might go for a walk again to strengthen my spirit. Yes, that sounds like a good idea.
  16. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    How have you been doing snacks-wise in the past days? I've been managing myself okay in that department. Actually, I haven't had any trouble with eating for weeks. I have, however, paid attention to my diet and been careful to eat well. Hunger stays away, so do binge-eating urges.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I still struggle with both P and snacks. It's been a couple of days since I last ate anything "unhealthy", but I'm supposed to do some shopping soon and with my current resistance levels, who knows...

    So, P. I wouldn't call it binging where entire days are spent, but I can't seem to go more than a couple of days before I relapse again. The problem is boredom. Due to the holidays I've been off for a week, and there are still a few days to go. There's absolutely nothing to do and soon enough it starts to itch. Even if I try to distract myself with a movie, my mind starts to wander. I've been going for walks, but I can't walk for more than two hours, and that's pushing it. Also, my hours are messed up due to naps caused by said boredom. Last night I fell asleep around 2:30 after a long session.

    I don't see much hope until I go back to work. Then I will only have to endure a couple of hours of boredom during the evenings.

    I decided that I'm going to make use of a spreadsheet for 2014. The counter is not putting me in a better mood.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hey man, good idea of making a spreadsheet for 2014. It's a nice way to 'start fresh'.

    Also good that you see so clearly the connection between the boredom and the addiction. I think it's good to work on that. I have problems with that as well. The recovery nation workshop can be a great help in that. It helps you to get a better understanding of what happens inside of you and to manage those emotions in a different way.

    Anyway, hope you'll have a great new years eve and all the best for 2014! Let's make it a year of success!!
  19. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    You and I both could do well with more projects. Guys have been pushing me to write. It would be a good way of spending idle time, while being concentrated on something. What about you? Photography, perhaps? Idle hands tend to MO, goes the saying, well, sort of. We're both in the immediate cycle right now. And both of us have gone through the first weeks without relapsing, multiple times. There is no reason why we shouldn't be able to do it again. Let's get back on track now!
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Gilga: Hopefully the new method will get me back on track. New Year's is going to be hell, but thanks and likewise!

    True: Yes, I should definitely take up photography seriously. Every time I've tried it's been like everything else, fun for a day or two and then I lose interest. I have spent at least £2000 on equipment, so it's a pity that I don't use it. Also, I want to get back to running, and as long as I don't get further problems with my knee, I will.
    Let's do it. Let's make 2013 the last year of PMO! I know that I have an everlasting reboot streak in me.

    Hrm, I suppose it's a good time to look back on my reboot journey...

    I've been attempting to reboot for nearly two years, and of those two I must say that the first year was the better one. Maybe because that's when I first did things out of my comfort zone. I traveled for festivals and went to concerts. I also made the decision to go on the trip of my life to Australia. It was a time of bravery, impulsive actions and positive uncertainty. 2013 has been more of a safe year. Sure, the beginning of the year was spent on the road in a foreign country, but I haven't done too well since I got back home. Relapse after relapse, often struggling for months before I could get back. This, of course, began in 2012, but it seems as if the duration of my streaks gets shorter and shorter. It's clear that porn still has hold of me.

    Also, the first reboot is the only one where I've found myself attracted to girls in real life. For instance, scent, voice and touch actually meant something. The easiest explanation is that I haven't abstained for long enough the following attempts, that I've relapsed just when things started to change, day-wise (that is, around two months in). Now that I think about it, I felt very attracted to a girl I met in Australia, which must have happened around 100 days in. I must therefore do whatever I can to get that far again.

    So where am I going wrong? Am I sabotaging my reboot only so that I can stay alone and not having to face my anxiety? It's a possibility. Most importantly, though, I'm lacking the solid determination that got me so far in the beginning. It's not something which can be pretended. I need to find means to refuel the fire when it starts fading. That's why I need a strong reason for the reboot. It currently feels like I'm rebooting just because it's something I'm supposed to do. The real reason should be because I want to become happy, and the first step is ridding my life of the porn.

    Writing this has already got me determined. Looking back, I know that I'm capable of having a normal life. I know that I have emotions. The quest for the key to unlock these begins today.

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