The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    That's a really good idea I think. What's great about cycling (or running for example) is you can do it as a group but you can do it on your own just as well, unlike football or tennis for example. If you join a cycling club then there'll be people who share similar interests (well, cycling for example...) but you don't necessarily have to try hard to fit in. If you don't feel like communicating with other people much you don't have to do it, you can silently cycle and still be around other people. I guess there's just less pressure than in other sports.
    Eternity likes this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    No P since last post, but there have been MOs before sleep. That's nothing new, and likely a sign that I'm not ready for sleep. I'm just worried about sleeping less than 7 hours, but it should balance itself. The ever brighter nights make it's harder to part with the day.

    I've been working hard for two hours each day after work this week, but if I listen to my body it's time to back off. I have to work on how to relax, which I'm almost unable to do. I need something to keep myself occupied, be it work, gaming or TV. I have mentioned my "music meditation" which should help. Mostly, though, I need to allow myself to relax. It can't all be about work. I shouldn't have to feel guilty because I'm taking some time to just be.

    @-Luke- I think it would be good for me, so maybe I should just do it. Even if I join I don't have to do anything if I don't feel like it.

    Why am I doing this? My parents deserve better.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2020
    -Luke- likes this.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congrats on being P free since last time !

    I'm not the best sleeper either but here are some things that seem to help me :
    - Drinking only one cup of coffee per day (not a huge size and not super strong) and drinking it before noon.
    - Refraining from drinking tea that has caffeine in the afternoon such as black tea, green tea, etc. Sticking to caffeine free ones.
    - It's good to work out but it's better to do it earlier on in the day rather then closer to bed time
    - Trying to not eat a big meal past 6h PM and eating light if I eat closer to bed time.
    - Trying to stick to same bedtime/waking hours. And even if one night I can't fall asleep or don't sleep well, still trying to respect the morning hour. Which can increase the chance of going to bed at a good time the next evening.
    - Having a calm bed time routine that does not involve screens for at least one hour before bed time (ideally more if possible).
    - Stuff that calm me in the evening : Mindful meditation ; journaling on paper ; reading a book.
    - Besides screens, refraining from other stimulating stuff when closer to bedtime : music, messaging/texting.
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2020
    Pete McVries and -Luke- like this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    - Caffeine is definitely bad, and I really need to quit the pepsi. It's always been part of the Friday routine...
    - As for working out, the best I can do is 4-5 hours before bedtime but that seems to do the trick. It's just, cycling isn't exhausting like running is, and doesn't make me very tired.
    - I rarely eat big after dinner. However, I do tend to snack a lot.
    - I sleep/wake up roughly the same time regardless of the day, plus/minus an hour.
    - I need to focus on the calming routines. I think one of the reasons I have trouble falling asleep is because I'm stressed and unable to "shut off." I'm 50/50 about music, it makes me able to relax because it is such a natural part of my life. That said, it's not often that I listen late at night.

    I think the key is being able to let go of stressful thoughts and guilt about not having achieved enough during the day. Treat sleep as a healing friend rather than a foe that steals my time.

    Friday is, well, Friday and again I wasn't strong enough to break free. What I will focus on now is to get through the rest of the weekend safely. I got a few projects to work on outside, but the question is what to do with the rest of my spare time. I know that MMOs are considered the devil, but at least they keep me from making stupid decisions. It's so easy to let my thoughts wander if I'm just lounging in front of the TV, and playing will keep me occupied.

    Posts in @Thelongwayhome27 's journal mentioned life plan. Do I have one? Not really. Not a concrete one. Perhaps it's time to consider this again. It's not too late to make a change, nor is it too late for love. I'm slowly beginning to realize that I can't do this all alone. But I am afraid to go there, lest my brain and thoughts are far too twisted. Recovery will take a long time, nonetheless it's a goal worth fighting for. I want to go back to basics and simply focus on the recovery process which led me here in the first place. I think I've painted myself a picture of a future that is flawless, and whenever this vision appears out of reach, I reach for my old friend PMO. It may be impossible or very difficult, but I must stop to have such high expectations for myself. Goals are fine, but fantasies of becoming someone I'm not are only destructive and depressive.

    I will try to write something here each day, lowering the risk of drifting away to dreamland.

    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm too easily triggered on weekends. In my current state, willpower is very low and it is so easy to give in. Well, what's done is done.

    I got plenty of work done at least, including clearing the field of old grass. There was a lot of it and hopefully the field will be less suffocated now. And it should be much easier to cut in summer. I got blisters on my hands, so I don't think I'll get much more done today, but I'm going to go for a short bike ride after this. Since I no longer have to get in shape for the 300 km event, I can just take it easy and enjoy shorter rides.

    Despite the PMO I feel hopeful. I can do this, it's just a matter of making a few adjustments to my routines.
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I've also felt lately more clearly how I don't think I can do this alone. I know that I try sincerely but I still fall down a lot and I have legitimate problems, some underlying the addictive behavior. I think it's good to recognize this and see what is possible to help. Maybe therapy, maybe group therapy. Or some form of support group.

    I also relate to what you wrote about having goals but being careful with not letting an "idealized vision" fire back. That seems to be tricky. On one hand vision seems to help with motivation, but it can backfire if it's too unrealistic perhaps. Maybe we have to progress, but take it slowly. Maybe that's what self compassion is all about, even if it's easy to forget that in the day to day...

    Regarding the PMO slips, maybe what could help would be to set a temporary initial goal and then see from there ?
  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Hey man. Thank you for posting this song! I've listened to it many times.
    Eternity likes this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I don't like to count days, but maybe that's the goal I need to begin with. It's a new month and I can treat it as a fresh start. Is a PMO free May possible? At least I won't try to wander through recovery completely blindfolded with this goal.

    I definitely think I'm placing too much pressure on myself. Rebooting has over the years gone from staying off the PMO, to building a "perfect" life. The funny thing is that I was much happier when I only tried to stay clean, and as a result I did all these things that I now can't seem to do. That said, it would be bad to have no goals or dreams at all. I think the key for me is to take a step back, focus on recovery, and the good things might come as a byproduct.

    I'm off from work for four days. Due to Corona we're going to work less for a while, so I got an extended weekend. Dangerous times. It's ridiculous how I have to fear the days off. Recovery days has a much better sound to it. I can mend both mind and body, as long as I focus a little.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I understand that. I think working towards what you find important is a very good thing, but it's an easy made mistake to think you are 'broken' and you need to maximize your life. And that to do that you need to do all of these things the gods of the internet tell you to do. It's something that I have struggled with myself and something I see a lot on this forum. One thing that works for me is working with values instead of goals, another thing has been learning to understand that I am fine as it is (I'm still working on that one:)) and that life is not a computer game where you need to optimize the outcome. Taking breaks and doing dumb things are essential parts of life. You can't always do everything perfect and even if you couldn't it would mean you didn't have any mistakes anymore to learn from:)

    Oh, and I don't like counting days either, but every now and then it does help to kickstart a streak;)
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Living There are sure a lot of things on the net that seem accepted and some that aren't. The trouble with this "game" is that I focus too much on what isn't, and almost feel like a bad person when I do something "wrong." It's absurd that I should feel like a monster just because I'm having burgers for dinner, or something. So that makes it easier for me to go to PMO because I've already been bad. I need to be more forgiving and realize that no-one is perfect. It's all about the lifestyle; I hardly live monk life but I am healthy and in good shape. I got some faults but so does everyone.

    It wasn't. Boredom is such a destroyer. There's only so much work I can do in a day. I need something to do for the rest of the time. I've mentioned gaming but I haven't yet tried it. Maybe it's time.
    On a positive note I've been able to go for walks again. I hurt my heel a few months ago and losing this freedom has surely contributed to my bad mood. I also did some cycling yesterday. It's nice when there's no pressure. I'm looking forward to longer rides soon.

    I've worked on getting rid of invasive plants in the garden, but recent rain has made it very muddy so I'm going to have to wait before continuing. Sometimes it seems futile and I just want to give up, but the more I dig up, the less I have to cut in summer. I'm also going to expand the lawn slightly to mow the worst spots. I don't know how long the root systems can survive, but at least I'll prevent them from spreading much further.
  11. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I have to admit: I have one or two faults too:) Nah, I understand that and I think a lot of people that try to change their lives go through this. And to be honest, I don't even think you should consider something like eating a burger as a fault. You can't keep up doing things that take effort if you don't give yourself so slack every now and then or even reward yourself. Well, perhaps some people can, but you have to decide if that's worth it for you. For example, I have cut back on eating meat for the simple reason that I don't agree with how we produce meat and how it effects the environment. But, I love a good piece of meat and I love preparing meat too. There is nothing like a good stew with proper meat. I could probably live without meat, but I don't want that. So I made a deal with myself that I can eat meat every now and then, but it has to be good quality meat that has been produced in a way I am okay with. And I think that deal has made it so much easier for me to not eat meat most of the time.

    So what kind of invasive plants are you dealing with? Perhaps I have a couple of tips:)

    I can totally imagine that. Last year I had a foot injury for a few months and that was just so frustrating! I really happy I can run again these days.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That's the kind of meat strategy I want to have, but I really don't enjoy cooking so I usually go for the easy option. You can buy meat directly from the farms here these days, which is good. I honestly don't like to eat meat, though. I find it nasty if it's not minced. That's why I've tried to go vegan, but it didn't work out for me. But I eat vegan whenever possible and the lunchboxes are always vegan curries or similar. I think that if I enjoyed cooking more, I could definitely make the effort to go fully vegan. But as of now, fast food is too easy to pass up.

    It's mostly lupins that I was unfortunate enough to inherit with the house. I know that they have taken over pretty much every roadside, but at least my conscience will be clean. I've dug up several baskets of them but I fear some roots will remain. That's why I'll cut the remaining ones to avoid any more seeds (which apparently can be dormant for 50 years.) The other one seems to be called loosestrife, and may not be as terrible, but it suffocates anything else and it has spread too wildly. It's much harder to uproot but at least they don't seem to go very deep.

    So far I'm clean today. I had urges before but I took a nap instead. I hope that doesn't come back to bite me.
    Living likes this.
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Just curious: what's the thing you don't like about cooking?

    I wish I could help you with the lupines and the loosestrife, but I don't have any experience with them as invasive plants. Well, at least both plants are pretty beneficial to wild life.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It just feels like a huge waste of time. Spending an hour cooking for only myself, when it takes 10 minutes to eat? That's why I opt for the quick and easy option. Maybe it's different when cooking for/with someone.

    This is day two, and I seem to be getting a sore throat, so I've mostly just lounged today. I did some minor work, made lunchboxes and went for a walk, so I've done at least something.

    I started a music challenge that's helped me in the past. I pick a favourite band and start from the beginning of the discography, one album per day. If I'm clean, I get to advance to the next album, if not, I'll have to restart from the beginning. Listening to the same album every day isn't what I like to do, so if I reset too much it becomes torture, and I never get to hear the later ones. Maybe it's an odd strategy, but as long as it works I welcome it.
    Living likes this.
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it is different when you cook for yourself. Then again, sometimes it's nice to pamper yourself:) You are worth that hour of cooking, right? Something to consider might be stews. I'm a really lazy cook myself and I don't really have the patience to make really complex dishes (unless they are desserts:)). That's why I love stews where you just throw all the ingredients in the pan, let it simmer while your kitchen fills with really nice aroma's, read a book in the meanwhile and a couple of hours later you have an incredibly tasty dish. The Indonesian kitchen is great for that for example, but also a lot of European stews (the British do have great stews). Same goes for a lot of curries. But yeah, if it's not your thing, that might be a bit too much.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    If I make something, I actually prefer pots/stews/curries. Goulash or onepots are great, you can put in about anything that's leftover. I bought a nice grill last year that I want to use more when it gets warmer. Maybe a nice piece of grilled meat will change my opinion? Or grilled chicken with roasted potatoes. I don't think it will get more advanced than that for me, but I prefer more simple foods so that's fine.

    Day three and I've been back to work which lessens the risk of PMO. Friday isn't too far off, and I won't promise anything. But I think I'm going to treat myself to some good food in the evening (and avoid the caffeine.) Maybe it's actually time for some barbecue, if the weather is good. Probably just burgers if so, but I think the experience itself is worth a lot. I just wish I had some outdoors furniture to relax on, but I'm waiting with that until June.
  17. Sounds good. Treating yourself to some good food is an awesome way to enjoy the weekend.

    As an ex-chef I’m always interested in hearing about food. Looking forward to what you will be writing!

    stay strong, you’re doing great!
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I also agree that taking the time to cook for oneself (even it it's not a super complex dish) is, I find, a way to practice self care. And that's good because as people who struggle with various addictive ways of being, self care is an important element to build.

    A nice trick though can be to cook a larger portion so there is some the next day as well :)

    Well done on being clean for a few days, you got this !
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @BoughtWithBlood Thanks! I like to eat food, so maybe I should try to make something I know I'll enjoy. I like fish, but I rarely eat it. There are simple fish dishes, so that could be a start of more diverse cooking.

    @Thelongwayhome27 I also think it could make me practice patience, so it's probably a good idea. Also, even the most basic cooking skills are useful. I tend to make large batches for lunchboxes so I only have to make it every 5-10 days. The downside is the risk of getting tired of it, but I rarely make the same dish two times in a row, which seems to work. And thanks, I hope this is the week that I'll break the curse.

    Day five. Friday tomorrow, but I should treat it like a normal evening and go to bed the usual time. I'll try to write here tomorrow to motivate myself. And if I can hold out until Sunday I'll get to listen to a nice album.

    The weather is nice tonight, so I think I'll head outside for some more work in a bit. I'm still digging up lupins, but I'm getting better at uprooting them so I think I can almost completely get rid of them in a few years. This weekend it's time for the first mowing of the year. Maybe I'll also go for a longer bike ride, I recently bought new bars and gels so I'm ready. I just looked up a 62 km ride that would work, which can also be extended if I feel good.
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Day seven. I was worried that I'd have to say day one again, but I passed the test. I mowed the lawn, had some barbecue and then I was more or less ready to pass out. I didn't get to hear yesterday's album, so that means a double one today. Yesterday's is better than I recall.

    I got most of the day planned out. I'm going shopping once stores open, and in the afternoon I'm going for the bike ride. For the rest of the time I'll work in the garden. Tomorrow is a different challenge, it's supposed to rain all day and I'm not quite sure what to do.

    I like getting up early on weekends. Back when I slept until early noon it felt like I had wasted the entire day. It's much better to have got a lot done before lunch. I can sleep an hour extra on weekends and still get up at 6. It's not that fun in winter, but during spring and summer I'll gladly rise early.

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