The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    So, what brought on this relapse was likely that local newspapers love to show pictures of graduating students. For some reason, however, they only show females. And, being sites that should be safe, I justified looking more than I should have. Triggers simply are everywhere these days... I have to avoid these sites for a while, or maybe even for good. Most seem to manipulate and only write what people want to see.

    Well, I may have a get-out-of-jail-free card: I'm not at home this weekend. I've never been comfortable to MO when away, so that may be the break I need.
     
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Alas, it wasn't. Relapsed as soon as I got back home (driving for hours gives time to... think.) I was so sure that this summer wouldn't be like usual, but it looks grim. This may be a bad idea, but I'm going play some games to distract me. At least they'll reduce the boredom.
     
  3. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    It doesn't have to be grim. I messed up as well. Let's end it now.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    If you know that gaming will reduce the change of relapsing, by all means use it as distraction too! I have to think similar ways, which would be lesser bad than actual P use is. Almost anything is better and less harmful.
     
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I keep slipping too lately man. I think we are in a bit of a similar place these days. We both have had a fairly long run around march/april and we fell off and since then slip back every now and then.

    We gotta keep trying until we build the good momentum again.

    One thing that may help, besides trying again, is to remember why you're doing this.

    I don't know if this would work for you, but I was inspired lately by the messages I got on my own journal about finding time to be alone - but not alone and distracting myself, truly alone (turning off all distractions including music) and feeling the discomfort there. And from that place start remembering, gradually, why I'm doing this, who I would like to be, who I think I am on a deeper level, beyond the addictions.

    Urges and cravings will be back but when we reclarify to ourselves the why it's a lot easier to go in a different direction then what the urge asks for.

    If this is basic stuff you know already, I'm just writing it to remind myself as well...
     
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @occams_razor Sounds good. I won't MO tonight to get this started.

    @titan_transcendence It probably does. When I had the long streak at the beginning of the year I was playing. Of course, it's bad to stay indoors 24/7 to play, but I think those years are in the past (there's simply no longer any game that can keep me interested that much. Even MMOs these days are not addictive enough.)

    @Thelongwayhome27 You're right, we've done it before so it can be done again. Sometimes I lose sight of the why, so it probably would help to repeat it from time to time in my journal.
    I don't know if I can switch off completely... I've always been very active and have found it hard to relax. It's even difficult to put on music and just sit there. It may be worth a try, though.


    I'm tired as usual following a relapse. I've been outside working until now, though (9PM.) I mowed half the lawn because it's almost too large to complete in one session. Looks like there's rain incoming, so I'll have to finish it some other day.

    There's not much else to say. I hope to survive the night but I'm already sleepy so I should.
     
    occams_razor likes this.
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Day two. I've been here before many times, but getting through last night was actually a decision, rather than something that happens as a result of too much PMO.

    My face is a warzone right now. This always makes my anxiety worse. So, maybe I should attempt an acne experiment. I know some triggers that are especially bad: sugar, dairy and chocolate. Only sugar is a problem, but I also want to find a way to make dairy-free pizza. I've also tried sugar-free sodas, but they make it worse than the regular ones. There's also the question whether PMO affects it, too. It may be too much to handle, but I really want to see what happens if I'm completely clean for, say, a month. I guess we can call it a short-term why.
     
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Value-based decision making. Also that is a muscle we can train! Hope you find a way to get rid of the acne. I always have a lot of cold sores and also wonder what might be the role of (P)MO in that.
     
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think that's a good way to boost your motivation. After all it's sincere. You really do wanna see what happens to your skin after 30 days clean.

    Take a picture now, do the 30 days, and take another one.

    And if you slip off don't beat yourself up and try again :)
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Gilgamesh I don't think I can get rid of it without chemicals, but I can make it much better at least. I remember one time being completely clear without doing anything. The question is whether the treatment I used to use have made it worse, than if I had not done anything.

    @Thelongwayhome27 I'll do that. Maybe it will show other, unexpected, improvements too. If nothing, I'll have to get even stricter with the diet.


    Day 1 no sugar. The headache that I was expecting didn't show up. Maybe tomorrow. Having the actual goal helped me to stay away from easy sugar. Hopefully it also works for PMO. The problem I'm facing now is that water is so boring, unless I'm really thirsty. I'm used to it at work, but not at home. I'll start small and try to get used to it again.

    Thought I'd remind myself why the good going I had earlier this year ended. In bed I started to touch myself briefly, and that eventually led to an avalanche. So, hands off this time.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2019
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've had a weak headache today. Not as bad as I feared, but it's put me in a low mood, wanting me to fix it. Additionally, I had a soda dream. Yeah. Tomorrow I'm going to get rid of empty bottles to eliminate one trigger. It's funny how similar this is to PMO.

    I feel empty. I try to write something constructive, but there's nothing. I have to endure, for it should get better soon. Tomorrow I'm doing some running after work; it will be nice to "switch off" for an hour. It's a bit troubling how I'm most relaxed while doing something as active as exercise.

    I should shave. I don't have what it takes to grow a proper beard, so it looks terrible once it grows too much.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2019
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    For a while I tried to grow a beard recently. I thought it would be cool together with going hard mode. As a kind of daily reminder. I gave up after 4 weeks cause I felt I couldn't go to work with my irregular blond hair. But later someone told me you just have to let it grow for a couple of months, because a part of your hairs just grows slower. Your beard should thus get fuller........
     
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I think so too, but the middle phase is not fun. Same for growing long hair. It's something I'd like to try before my hair growth declines, but I always quit when it starts to become troublesome.

    Paid this month's bills; I always try to pay them in advance if possible. It seems that my economy is finally coming together again after the bike purchase. I'm no Scrooge, but I prefer the sense of security of having a certain amount saved up. This has most likely contributed to stress and anxiety the last few months. I've also had some more large expenses recently, but the worst should be over now.

    The run yesterday went ok. The trail I ran is very challenging and gives no chance to find a good rhythm. I should probably focus more on cycling, though. There's an 85k ride I've looked into doing for a while, so I may do that tomorrow.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Good stuff man. I think there are often a lot of (little or not so little) things/elements in the background of our daily lives we don't always realize are causing a more uncomfortable and stressful situation then needed. By addressing & correcting those things we clear the background static and put ourselves in a much better position to stay away from P.

    I myself realize how putting off some important decisions, in the last month, has probably been a factor in my relapses.

    I didn't realize it at that moment, which is weird I didn't, but as soon as I finally made a decision, other things fell into place, and I just have a much better vibe right now.

    Part of being honest with ourselves, I think, is identifying these background uncomfortable stuff we sometimes put off and repress.
     
    Merton likes this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I think it's like that with me and planning. When I find something that I think would be interesting to do, I don't sign up for it right away. Instead, I worry and hesitate until finally coming to a decision. If it's something that involves other people, it's far more common that I decide against it. The few times I have actually gone and bought, for example, a ticket without hesitation have meant far less pressure. Worrying for months is really unnecessary, but I still do it.

    I've had urges for both P and sugar, but so far I've been able to control them. Next weekend is Midsummer, and I don't want to spoil the brightest nights of the year by staying in the dark with PMO. There's something magical and poetic about nocturnal lights, and I have a really good spot to enjoy these from.

    My appearance has been on my mind lately. Rather, how to accept it. I've never been able to, and has always been a major contributor to my anxiety. In recent years, as my general mood has dropped, it's even gone as far as making me think that only good looking people have the right to be happy. That I don't deserve it. I'd say that media is partially to blame, because that's what it shows us. There's always been talk of what it does to women, but you rarely hear that it causes problems for men. Is that because we're not supposed to show weakness?
    Anyway, I need to overcome this. Perhaps rebooting will boost my confidence, but I think it's going to require more. Starting to dress like who I am is a first step. Although lycra is questionable, I feel more confident when I'm in my cycling kit; it brings forth my identity. The same should go for metal clothing, but for some reason it's much harder to wear.
     
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I can relate this very well. I have learned that every time that I first have a thought to do something, but the fear makes me decide against it, it will make my depression stronger. Because, by refusing to do what we REALLY would like to do, it sends us a subconscious message that we are not worth it. That our whole life is not worth living. Its important to heed that first, optimistic thought about doing something, because I think its a voice of life. That other, second voice which try to make thousand
    excuses not to do anything, is a voice of our death.

    Ugliness is more depending on one's confidence than by anything else. If one just feel good about yourself, he will radiate that feeling around to other people and it will make one more beautiful, than if one is depressed and hating yourself.

    I think that starting to wear the clothes what you really like to wear is one important decision, its your decision, and you do not need to care a bit what other people might think. (mostly the judgement is only in our own head, anyway). :cool:
     
    Merton likes this.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I know what you're talking about. Especially the "only good looking people have the right to be happy" part. You talked about acne lately. I had acne for more than 15 years. Still have it a little bit on my back but not strong. The last few years what's troubling me is my dark circles around my eyes. That's partly genetic but the stress and the sleep problems that came from my addiction and the constant relapse/binge/reboot/withdrawal cycle played a mayor role in that.

    Lately I don't think about my appearance much because I stopped looking into the mirror. Sounds strange but it is quite relieving. It helped me to be more social around other people.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @titan_transcendence Maybe we should jump into more things without overthinking. It seems only beneficial: it takes us outside the comfort zone, and we can't regret not doing it. Confidence is hot, yeah. I think a genuine smile is admirable, and is something I hope I can do naturally in the future. You're right about me being my own worst critic; I think most people are, and probably won't even notice most flaws of others.

    @-Luke- Acne sucks, especially not growing out of it. That said, unless it causes pain it's really only superficial. That's what I need to convince myself of. I got dark circles too, and an overall tired look. For me, it gets better if I stay off PMO and caffeine. Avoiding mirrors works well, it's something I've done in the past. I'm back to obsessing, though. Constantly worrying about spots is not helping, so I should at least limit my mirror usage.


    The bike ride went fairly well, but I could definitely feel the Friday run in the legs. I had to resort to a gel near the end because I felt the wall approaching. At least I'm beginning to recognize the signs; when I start swearing I'm usually in danger.

    I did some gaming yesterday and it was enjoyable, especially the lore. I'm a huge nerd for lore in almost any fiction. That also goes for mythology, which I find fascinating. Folklore too, when I was younger I'd look for signs in the woods. I can't explain why it gets me so interested, and maybe it doesn't have to be explained. It's just something I enjoy, and a definite part of my personality.
     
  19. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I have the same thing. Less than I used to, but it's still holding me back more often then I'd like. It's one of the things I like to work on, because it does keep me from things I value, but having social anxiety this is one of my main issues.
     
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Anxiety really is a massive problem for me too, and that's why I just want to do it and challenge myself. I think running and cycling events are a good stepping stone because I feel like I belong there, but there are still other people around.

    Speaking of, I just applied for a spot for next year's Vätternrundan. I may not get a spot, but it's a good training goal (and there are always people selling spots as the event draws near.)

    My mood completely crashed when I got home earlier. I got totally apathetic, but it is a little better now. I've only had a week off PMO, and it's very likely to have affected me. I really don't like the feeling of hopelessness that it gives me. It makes me doubt everything I've done. Well, it's passed for now. I put on some nice music which has helped. It also made me decide what to wear tomorrow, because I remembered that I got an old Windir shirt. It's one of the musicians/bands that's meant a lot to me throughout the years. Some songs are very emotionally intense, and if the day comes when I don't feel anything when listening to them, I know that all hope's gone.

     
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