The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Its fine and uplifting idea to list your good qualities. :cool: You truly are a great guy! Its not easy, but lets try to think more highly about ourselves. As an addicts, we have done enough self-bashing for lifetime. :(

    (btw. I dig Limbonic Art too :cool:)
    Eternity and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Waiting has never been something I understood. I have always found it a whole lot easier to stay away from porn when I made positive steps in my life and right now I would even say that as long as I keep going in the direction I want to go there no longer is a 'need' for porn and that making these steps is probably the most essential thing in my 'reboot'.

    And steps don't have to be big. I guess we tend to focus on steps that are rather big, like the spending more time in the woods thing you mentioned, and while I would applaud that if that's what matters to me, sometimes it's good to see that these big steps also come with a costs. I would like to spend more time in nature too, but I know I also find it often hard to make the time for that. Taking a walk in the woods often means half a day for me and with my work and social stuff time like that is sometimes hard to find. But you have a garden right? Bring nature to your own house:) And put some extra plants in your house. Not sure if this goes for everybody, but plants make me rather happy:) There are so many small steps you can take that might have a very positive impact on your life.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Living As for now, I look at doing something that's not P is a step forward. But eventually I'll have to increase the steps so that they take me outside the comfort zone. For me, getting to the forest is quick; I got a 500m trail roundabout that starts in the backyard. And if I want to hit the real woods, they're only half a kilometer away. My garden is enormous, some 7000 square meters. It's very lush and has many trees, as well as fields which I intend to transform into flower fields. Any vegetation, save invasive plants, makes me happy, too. I want to get a couple of floor plants for the living room to make it more alive.

    @titan_transcendence I just found out that there's a new box with the first albums that I really want to get. I love atmospheric black metal; Emperor's In The Nightside Eclipse is one of my all-time favourites.

    I spent most of the day yesterday outside clearing invasive plants. I finished it tonight, for now... But if I keep at it, they should disappear eventually. Despite my hard work, I turned once again to P last night. It wasn't even exciting. I think I've had enough for this time. I've still had far more clean days than PMO days in 2019, so despite this trip down the pit, recovery won't be far away. I'm sure I'll fall down again, but by then I hope to have some better routines to get me out of there quickly.
    Thelongwayhome27, Gil79 and Living like this.
  4. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Lol, now you got me jealous:) 7000 square meters of garden? Wow. There is so much you can do with that and so much to see. From catching moths to growing your own food. So many things:) If it interests you I can really recommend Gardening for Wildlife by Adrian Thomas. Great book to get as much wildlife to your garden as possible.

    And woods that close by. That's pretty much what I dream of:)
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Living I'm very happy with this place, though the depression often kills the joy. When I'm in a good mood it's heavenly, though. I can do a lot, yeah. I haven't got any real plan, nor do I think that I should overthink it. The important thing is that it benefits biodiversity; politicians won't change but at least I got a small piece of the world where I can practice environmental friendly gardening. I've got a great book on the subject, but more can't hurt. After all, this is what I want to work with in the future.

    I managed to get a day untainted by PMO yesterday. I stayed up a bit late listening to music; it helped me relax and I fell asleep easily. It's worth being a bit tired if it means I'm clean.

    Something I've considered is how I, during the last week of PMO, have become way more attracted to a woman's eyes and hair. I wonder if it's simply novelty causing it, or if it's going to stay with me? A fun fact is that historically, I haven't been able to handle eyes. I used to get sick seeing eyes, to the point of vomiting. That's why I want to think that it's more a matter of growing up, than for my perverted interests.
    Living, titan_transcendence and Gil79 like this.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I had another "late" music night yesterday. I think this is the way to go for now. I shut my eyes and just listen. I think that's the best way for me to enjoy music; lowering all other senses and become one with it.

    Tomorrow I've got a run to complete, and then it's back to cycling. Sometimes it really takes a bit of the "other side" to freshen things up. I'm going to work on getting fit for an event in July which involves a fair share of climbing, at least compared to what I'm used to.

    My Internet connection has been acting up ever since I had to shut it off due to a thunderstorm last week. Having to restart is annoying and it really shows how addicted I am to the web. I worry that this will lead to unwanted frustration. At least I'm aware of the risk.
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    That sounds good ! These type of specific tangible goals to work towards are a good barrier against urges and can help us get a good streak going. Cheers man, sounds like you're slowly getting back up from the series of slips you had.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Second that. Sports are so healthy in so many ways.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I hope I'm on the way back. Right now I'm doing fine, but who knows when the mood changes. Well, I won't worry about that for now; stay aware, but not worry.

    The run went well, almost exactly as fast as I had planned. I could've gone faster, but I'll save that for another time. This was a good finale to the running (for now.)
    For next year I want to do the same cycling sportive that I rode last year. I'm curious to see if I can ride it any faster, and if I can keep cycling through winter. That seems like a reasonable goal; it's not too unrealistic to think that I could go at least a couple of hours faster.

    I've rearranged the living room today. Ever since I moved to this house, I've had this idea of the perfect layout. Today I decided not to opt for the one element that's been stopping this idea. It's too early to say whether it lives up to the expectations, but hi-fi wise it doesn't get any better. And that's what's important.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Nice man ! Organizing my place is one of those things I wanna do but I keep putting off every day. The ideal me, the man I wanna become, would have a cleaner and more organized place. Not that I live in filth, but there is room for some improvement.

    Well done on your part to be active like this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks. There's always room for improvement, at least until you can no longer find any way to improve it. I'd say give it a try, the worst that can happen is that you have to more everything back.

    I survived the Friday. I was busy the whole evening which helped. As a result, my mood isn't the best this morning; my brain is not happy. I'm actually almost up to a full week again, and I think I can get through the weekend.

    It seems that there's going to be rain today, but I'll still head out to the woods. I need it to lift my mood; already the new Gloryhammer album is helping, but I need more.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yesterday turned out to be pretty bad. I was feeling low the entire day and I didn't want to do anything. I napped for three hours which wasn't the brightest idea, but at least it let me escape for a while in a way that's not PMO. Towards the end of the day I found myself listening to music again, and I came across a song that took me into a heavy nostalgia/regret bubble...

    1999: I can't believe it's been 20 years. No social media. No Youtube. No Google. 4:3 television. 56k Internet connection. The millennium bug. The list goes on, and I'm glad to be old enough to have experienced life before the Internet became everything. In many ways, '99 is when the first part of my life ended. I've always been an introvert, but thanks to school there was always the social aspect. Not that it went away for a few years still, but in a class with only males, speaking to girls became much rarer. And as connection speeds improved, I'm sure you can see in which direction I headed.

    Looking back like this makes me wonder where time went. And it hurts to think about. It's as if I've missed out on life for decades. I don't know what's going to cure this, but it's no mystery how I always go back to PMO. Because what else is there? It has taken the place of everything I used to have.

    I definitely need to reintroduce the social part to my life, but there is no desire to do so. The brain is content with its imaginary friends.

    To return to reality and the present day, I must confess that I've once again been consuming sodas (and caffeine.) It's making it very difficult to sleep in the evening. I wish to be free of it, but the cravings get very intense. I'm convinced that the companies put something addictive in the drinks. If I see a bottle I can almost taste it. It may be a bad idea to just quit, but seeing how it works in tandem with the P addiction I don't think I got a choice. I will try to not buy any more, and at any cost avoid the drinks with caffeine.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Ok, a real bad day, but despite that no PMO. Maybe not so bad afterall?

    Yes, time goes fast. But it is useless to dwell in the past. You never know how things could have went. When I am in that state of mind I always think of a famous story about a chinese farmer. Will look it up.......
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Here it is....
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  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    A no PMO day should be a good day, even if the brain doesn't agree. I've actually been thinking thoughts similar to that story today; I should consider all the good things that have happened upon this path I've chosen.

    Today's been better. I went for a quick bike ride and then I had another nap. I guess I'm lacking sleep considering how long these naps turn out to be. Or maybe it's an early reboot effect.
    Living likes this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Day 1 of no caffeine. Not my finest day. Heavy-headed and dreadfully tired throughout the day. The first day is always the worst, though. Falling asleep should be easy tonight.

    The rain is pouring down so I don't think I'll get much work done outside tonight. Yesterday I cleared a couple of trees that had fallen on the path so I'll at least walk it (I want to daily to keep it clear,) rain or no rain.

    I've been enjoying some electro pop recently. I know that it makes me completely untrve, but who cares. It's nice music to relax to, and not at all like the boring stuff that's played on the radio.
    titan_transcendence and Gil79 like this.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's been a little easier on the head today. I'm still tired and generally unmotivated to do anything, though. The addiction is such a poison; it's drained me of almost any desire. It's going to take years to repair, but I really don't want to bother. It's such an evil loop, and the only way out seems to be by force. It should get easier fairly soon, but right now it's hard to do anything except slack off. I'll keep trying to do something each night, useful or recreational, as long as it's outdoors.

    Thursday is a holiday and it looks to be sunny and hot. I've decided that I'll go for a long walk then; maybe it will reawaken some lost, slumbering feelings. I enjoyed taking these walks when I was younger as they always were huge spiritual boosts. There's too much pressure in daily life and forgetting about it all for a few hours is soothing.
    titan_transcendence and Gil79 like this.
  18. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I have also been feeling somewhat drained, like I am not excited about much. Hopefully this will improve in both of us.
  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Walking is great. One philosopher of old, Henry David Thoreau, even wrote an essay about it. I hope you enjoyed your long walk in nature! :)
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I gave in again. As long as I'm stuck in this lifestyle, I think it's bound to happen. That is why I managed to be successful in the first year; I actually tried new things and challenged my comfort zone. Well, all I can do is to keep going. I won't pretend it didn't happen, but I won't dwell on it either.

    @Merton Exactly. I know that things get more colourful later on, but there's the matter of getting there.

    @titan_transcendence Despite the relapse I still intend on going for the walk. I don't want to change my plans even though I'd probably rather stay inside.

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