The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Ah, this is embarrassing, but I ended up edging for a long time last night. There is no excuse. As a result I feel terrible this morning. I'm losing sight of what's important. Well, there's only forward to go after this.

    This shows that I even procrastinate the reboot itself. "There's always tomorrow." No, there isn't. It's frustrating not to get anywhere. I've always told myself that I want to be alone, but is this true? Can I even do this completely on my own?
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    What you wrote sounds very familiar for me also. Its so easy to lose sight of the brighter future and fall back to old, defunct patterns what we have used to do.
    When you think about last night's relapse, do you see loneliness behind it? Was it some kind of unconscious effort to have a intimacy, even that it was fake intimacy of P? I think many times my relapses are because of that. If that is true for you also, guys in situation like us must think some alternative methods to ease our loneliness. Maybe try to reach out little more, trusting people more (because this addiction makes one very suspicious and secretive towards other people) and try to make some connection to people, not necessarily just women, but people in general. Just my thoughts.
    Gil79 and Eternity like this.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hey Titan, yeah I can see the loneliness. To elaborate, usually I'm drawn to cam girls of more substance, so to speak. Women who offer interesting talks more than anything else. Deep down it seems that I crave social interaction, despite all the misanthropic thoughts that normally occupy my mind. I had something going when I first started here, placing me in a more open-minded state. The Australia trip was the peak, I think. Since then I've fallen back, if not found myself at an all-time worst.

    I need to start somewhere, but the question is where. Food for thought.
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I have been drawn to cam girls as well, when normal P has lost much of its luster. They are "really there" and are beautiful. I think its genuine feel for need of female intimacy, not necessarily sexual which is behind that use.

    I have been lost as well how to start. I think the obvious way is to start in our interests, hobbies, anything that means something to us and widen the sphere in there.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Well, I went for it again last night. I was quite indifferent to it; there were no real urges. I kept the loneliness issue in mind and it was definitely the driving force behind it. It seems obvious now; I should have realized earlier.

    I used to play a lot of MMOs. While the social interaction within these games is likely ridiculed by "normal" (in lack of a better word) people, it nonetheless fulfilled my social needs. These days I don't play much and most friends no longer play at all. To top it off, I rarely see my brother these days as he's moved far away. I have in the past tried to mend the loneliness by going to festivals and concerts, but in the end I just keep to myself. I had a good chat with a guy at a concert, but it's not like I initiate anything.

    I'm naturally shy, I've always been. But I also have this idea that my acne makes me unlikable. It's not really too bad (treating it ironically made it worse,) and what's more, when I was treating it I found other things to criticize. I think what I need is to be able to accept who I am. I dress anonymously to not be noticed. I got a huge selection of metal shirts that I never wear for this reason. That's why the reboot is important to me. Staying off PMO gives me courage and also stops me from caring about what others may think. I want to show who I am but as long as I'm this insecure, I cannot.

    @titan_transcendence I've definitely considered joining a cycling club. I've heard that club rides is a very social activity and you get the training aspect, too.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    'Tis a new week. It always feels easier to get started then, even if it's silly to wait for a specific day. Last night I had a goodnight MO. It's pretty much become a habit again, so I need to once again focus. I also need to make my goals mean something, or it feels rather pointless to do this.

    I think I'll mow the lawn today to get my mind off things. I'm not perfectly sure how to care for the lawn in a way that is good for biodiversity (using a scythe is the best option, but...,) but it's grown quite wild, so I'll give it a try on the highest clearance and see what happens.
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    What you told about your life sounds very familiar for me also. I used to play a lot of MMO's too for years. There were many online buddies in there, which all were lost after I stopped playing the game. Also, been quite regular going to concerts, but as well do not initiate anything in there.

    Im sure that our insecurities are not tied to some characteristic or other. Its too low self-value and of course, this addiction. When we use, there is always this unconscious shame of it. Also, if one satisfies that basic sexual need which is tied to need for real intimacy, it leads to passivity. When there is not this spark left in us, we tend do the things half-way. Lack of energy, artificial "satisfaction" and long years of passivity have lead us to way of life which we think as normal. Its not easy to break the vicious circle, mostly because we think that one use "do not matter that much". But it could be different. Its obvious from those guys in these board who have really managed to break free.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah, I know how easy it is to fall back into the old habit. As they say it really is about creating new neural pathways. The old familiar track is still there to take, but we really should make our new track of which we decide beforehand where it will go.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    The wild kinda like things being wild:) Perhaps it could be an option to go for a more deliberate wildness with some wild annuals and such. Biodiversity would love that.
  10. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Edging is the toughest part for me to give up. The constant dopamine rush/high. It's a drug that your body does not reject so it's impossible to overdose on. When I would binge, I would binge for 6-8 hours. It was incredibly destructive. (probably why its taking me so long to recover).

    Not sure if you're already aware of this. But I've read multiple places and have experienced myself a very noticeable improvement in my acne as I've been able to abstain. I'm not saying it's a cure all. But PMO is very damaging to the body and it does make a difference.

    Keep working, keep searching my man. You can do this! There's just to much at stake. Literally every aspect of life is better without PMO.
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks guys. I'm still struggling because there's always more. Always. It's what causes every relapse to linger: the novelty. I'm still getting things done, but at nowhere near full potential. I think all I need is a break of a couple of days to get going again. So, the plan is not to go to bed unless I'm actually dozing off. As of recently I've gone to bed too early and figured that I can still spend an hour on P without screwing up work.

    @titan_transcendence The shame is the worst. It makes me unable to even look up from the ground most of the time. It is hard to break free, but I've been on the brink many times, enough to know for sure that there is a better life. Perhaps I should read some old entries from these times, they usually motivate me.

    @Gilgamesh It really seems like the classic "one step forward, two back" now. Probably because I'm uncertain of the direction I should head, and that makes me more susceptible to old habits.

    @Living I did a pretty bad job if you ask someone who likes their lawn super short. It looks very green and lush though, so I don't think I'll go lower than this.

    @SeekingWisdom I've stayed up all night countless of times. My back and shoulders get very stiff, but I still keep going. In the end I'm just sick of it, but I still continue. Then I start anew the next day because the previous was not satisfactory.
    My very first reboot, before I knew of the concept, was actually to test whether PMO affected my acne. I can't say it did, but neither can I say that it didn't. There are other factors too; sugar and dairy are two definite triggers, and the former is hard to stay away from. But yeah, even if PMO doesn't affect it directly, I'm pretty sure it makes it harder for the body to recover from scarring etc.
  12. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Time out, this is the first time I have heard about making a new track and where we want to go. Can you expound on that?
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah, after the discussion in @Saville's journal on the Doidge book. It starts at page 49 in his journal (40's section: too late to the party). That book might be particular interesting to you.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's taken a lot to come here after what I did last night. Friday relapses are back in full force; actually I planned for it during the entire day. I suppose that this is the very bottom of the pit. I'm irritable, I sleep badly, I don't eat well... I'm not taking care of myself at all. It's complete and utter decadence, and the worst part is that I couldn't care less. That's why it's so hard to type these words; all I can think is "why bother?" Normally I can use anger to kickstart the reboot, but I'm completely numb this time; withdrawn into my shell.

    Yet, hope remains. There is the stubborn part of me that doesn't want to give up. That said, I don't think I can do this alone. I need to step out of the comfort zone in order to succeed. That's not easy, though, when I lack both courage and motivation, as well as carrying all this shame. I need to work on my feelings of inferiority, that I don't need to be a prince to find company. The more time I spend on my own, the stronger these feelings grow, however. I think that I'm not good enough, when in truth I haven't even tried.

    I've got a long way to go. I know that today is going to be rough, and I may not even make it. That said, I will at least make an effort.
  15. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    The real You still knows this. The addict in us say that it doesnt matter. Its good that in the spite of relapse you immediately told about it in here. I did the same day before. It will put us in better awareness and build momentum for new beginning. Lets continue this fight to truly learn to live!
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I am going to give this 'planning' more thought. It is here that you can still turn things around. When it has become real in your mind by planning and imagination it will become reality. We have to use this to our advantage: plan the things we really want and need in a similar way. It is a real powerful tool. As 'they' say: ' be careful what you wish for, you might get it'.

    Sometimes it is better to give yourself a break. Don't fight against porn for a while. Just accept yourself and that part of you that thinks it needs porn. In the meantime you can think of simple steps to get out of your comfort zone and develop those sides of you. This is what I have been doing the last years when I was away from this biard I guess, and it makes it way easier to stay away from acting out.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing! You're doing great, although you might not see it like that at this moment.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Well said. I've also come to this conclusion this year. It's pointless to wait for the perfect day. This day will never come. We have to accept ourselves as we are (which doesn't equal being satisfied with the person we are right now) and take some action.

    Other people aren't perfect either. They feel like shit sometimes, they feel ashamed sometimes, they feel inferior sometimes. That's life. But many of these people act anyway. Why not us, too? Why not start comparing us against the person we were yesterday instead of comparing us to other people? With that there is no inferiority or superiority.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @titan_transcendence In the past, relapsing meant that I'd be gone for months or years. I'd consider lying about the relapse and pretend that nothing happened, but what's to gain from that? Honesty is the only way forward.

    @Gilgamesh I've always been lost regarding what I want to do in life. Possibly because I've always considered my ideas too lightly, not believing that I could. Only once I've done something major when I went to Australia, and that was a positive experience. Why not take a chance and actually aim for something new?
    I've already lost another battle, but that's ok. As long as I get good things done as well. I've been on a mission to get rid of invasive plants in the garden. I do have ideas on how to leave my bubble by joining that cycling club. It's just a matter of doing it.

    @-Luke- Indeed, it won't ever come. We can wait and wait, but it seems that waiting is all I've done my entire life. I do have good features, but the focus always lands on the negative. I should list some good ones in a future post.
    It's so easy to feel sorry for myself and think that I'm the only person in the world with problems. The truth is rather the opposite, that I'm in a pretty good place.

    I've read some of my old journal and how I developed during that first year. I made some huge improvements and went from the bottom to the top of the world. It seems like it was written by someone else. Thinking back, I've come even further since then. I've seen many of my favourite bands live. I've found a way to exercise despite a bad knee. I've bought my own house! Socially I was better off back then; anxiety has clawed back since then. Perhaps it's time for another festival.

    I believe there is music for every situation. Right now I find myself drawn to darkness and insanity.

    titan_transcendence likes this.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I know that place of utter disappointment (I'm more or less in it now as well, although I'm in a better place then I was last weekend ; sometimes only one week changes things). So it will pass even if it sucks. IMHO, best thing to do, and in the spirit of what @Gilgamesh wrote as well (giving yourself a break), at this point focus your strength on correcting the lack of self care (eating, sleeping, exercising). I would put this above abstaining from P at this point. I would simply, for the P, try not to go on a long binge and not do it more then once a day. Once we build back the self care, we find new strength, clarity, and it becomes simpler to add the abstaining from P to the good habits and start building a healthy streak.

    I also totally agree with what you write that "there is hope" and that we don't need, at all, to wait to be on day 1000 to make the changes we long for. I think it's good that you are thinking of plans you would like to do, despite the slips. Sometimes, by going for what you want, you get to a better place, and next thing you know, staying away from the P comes naturally. Everything starts with some honest positivism and you still have that. You're here posting and sharing with us. We'll find our way.
    Living likes this.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 Getting the basics under control does seem like a good idea. If I can at the same time avoid P, it is only a bonus. I thought I'd spend more time in the woods and outdoors when it got warmer, but no. That is the foundation to my well-being and where I should start. It's absurd that we should wait, it's not like we are locked in chains, waiting to be released. I have started to adapt the "it's only pain" mentality when training; the brain may say no, but the body can in most cases go on. I think it's possible to apply that to the reboot, too.

    I woke up feeling oddly positive this morning, despite a terrible day from a reboot perspective yesterday. I forced myself to go for a run, and I managed my fastest 5k ever. I suffered greatly, but I did it even though I can't have had much energy. I think the long hours on the bike have helped.

    I mentioned that I should name some of my good qualities; it may give me some positive energy. In typical Swedish fashion, I'm reluctant to, but here goes, in no particular order:
    • I'm reasonably fit. I exercise regularly, and although I got a very thin cyclist's upper body, I wouldn't want to change that.
    • I'm a fast learner. Whether it's language or skills, I can pick them up if I put my mind to it.
    • I'm courteous. I always say "thank you" when the situation calls for it. Maybe it's no big deal, but I imagine that it could brighten the day of cashiers etc.
    • I can sing. Perhaps not well, but I don't think it's terrible either.
    • I've been able to go my own way. I avoided some typical norms, and that gives me satisfaction.
    • I'm stress tolerant. Some people get way too winded up, but I approach the problem calmly.
    Those are a few that I could think of. It's not all gloom, it seems. There are many situations I should be able to handle with that skillset.

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