The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think this is some great advice @Living. I'll try to use it myself.

    Hang in there @Eternity I'm sure you'll find your path out sooner or later. It kinda sucks right now, but we got this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm sorry to disappoint, but it happened again. I can't believe how weak my mind is right now. I need to start very slowly; take the first few steps onto the open road. The first goal is therefore to go to bed without MO. Maybe it seems easy, but that's where it always starts.

    @Living Good advice! Not waking up in zombie mode is one of the major reasons why I want PMO gone. So that's why I'll try hard to get a good night's sleep tonight, to start my journey to well-being somewhere. And that's always what's happened to me too; it's began further back with something like a few seconds of touching myself. It gets worse and worse until I've gone and done it. I know what I want out of the reboot, but its importance gets lost along the way. I need to come up with a way to reinforce the basic ideas, and not take the improvements for granted.

    @Thelongwayhome27 Thanks, it's funny how simple it really is, yet it seems almost impossible. Maybe some cold, logical thinking is needed for me. As long as I control my hands, nothing will happen. It's either do or don't.

    I feel a little more determined now. I'm going to place the laptop cord at work to create a hurdle, but for now the car will do. It's freezing outside, so it's unlikely that I'll get dressed and go fetch it tonight.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    First goal complete. I focused on where I had my hands last night and it worked. Next goal is to survive all of today.

    I went cycling this morning and I had quite a good time. I don't know if it's because I actually got to sleep, or because it was an easy ride. The problem now is that I need to find something to do for the rest of the day. I'll try to get some minor things done around the house and garden. The motivation isn't there yet to start on any big projects.
    SeekingWisdom likes this.
  4. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Always such low motivation when trying to come back from a relapse. That is what makes it so difficult. You need to do other things to keep your mind busy and fill your time. But energy levels are just so low.

    Keep fighting sir. Be kind to yourself. You can do this, just get through today. You can't change the past and we can take on tomorrow once we get there.
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @SeekingWisdom Thanks, energy has indeed been lacking. Cold logic has worked so far in place of motivation. I got through yesterday, which means that there's no reason why I can't get through today too.

    Two nights done. I've had a pretty bad day today, and almost everything that could go wrong did. It's the perfect scenario for another relapse. I don't want to, though. I have zero urges right now which I welcome.

    I ended up spending some time last night listening to music. Only listening. That's something I rarely do, and I don't know why. There's not much that beats letting everything go except the sense of hearing.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Also a perfect scenario for recovery :). You know you can do this!
    Eternity likes this.
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Reboot confidence is slowly improving. I got the big cycling event on Saturday, and I could really use a little less anxiety. It looks to be terrible cycling weather, though. But, rain is welcome so maybe I should just head out there if it helps to bring down some more.
    Merton likes this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've been tired this week. Maybe listening to music late is bad, but it puts me in a meditative state which makes sleeping easier. And anything that gets the reboot started again is welcome help. I've also rediscovered some music that I used to love some ten years ago. It really brings me back to a, maybe not better time, but brighter, and it's really put me in a better mood. It's the last thing you'd expect me to listen to, but like I said, if it helps it's great.

    This week I got something done that I've been delaying forever. I really should stop procrastinating. If I could approach it logically, it would be good. There's no point in delaying things since they need to get done eventually anyway. But it will be a struggle to make logic prevail over anxiety for tasks that require contact with people.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    There's not much to report today, but I want to post something every day. Urges are still lost somewhere. I don't rule out a flatline; it would make things much easier.

    The wind is howling and I'm quite cold, even freezing. What happened to spring... It could make choosing clothes for Saturday tricky. The bike is more or less ready. I cleaned the drivetrain today, so it should be a smooth ride. Learning from the past, I'll also bring plenty of energy. I shouldn't be worried since I've done double this distance before, but it's still quite long. Let's see if 700km is enough preparation!
    Gil79 and Merton like this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Enjoy the ride tomorrow. Solely participating is already a win against the addiction.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Gilgamesh Thanks! And anxiety. As usual I wanted to stay at home, but I went and everything was fine.

    The ride is done. I managed to do it within the time I had set as a goal, albeit only with a few minutes to spare. The second half was grim, it was hilly and, you guessed it, there was a headwind. My legs were very tired towards the end, but I had Mark Beaumont's classic "it's only pain" phrase echoing in my head which boosted morale. And it's true, in most cases the mind surrenders long before the body. I'm tired now but I avoided the wall, even though I felt it coming halfway through.

    This was the longest ride I've planned on doing this year (150km.) I may do similar distance for leisure with many stops, but that's far from a sportive/race. Now it's time to focus on running for a few weeks.

    I hope the exhaustion doesn't lead to mistakes, but I predict going to bed early tonight.
    -Luke- and Gil79 like this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It did... I have added another two MOs to this rough patch. One last night and one this morning. Well, I managed a whole week which should count for something. And I didn't waste hours this time. Still, I can do better.

    I think I'll head out to the woods after lunch. I need to stretch my legs and some nature therapy never hurts. There's a path I want to explore and see where it leads. I have the idea of a long-term project where I map every little path and track in the nearby woods. Using a GPS watch does the job fairly well, but it will take months, if not years, to explore everything.
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Gave in again last night. The partner in crime this time was the phone. Tonight I'll leave it at the bottom of the stairs. It's my backup alarm, so I should be able to hear it anyway.

    I've had a productive night so far; I'm gonna round it up by paying a couple of bills. It's been a hectic month economy wise, but it seems to be calming down finally. I should be able to make some good savings again starting June pay.

    Tomorrow I'll ride the bike to work. It's been a while since I last did, so it should be more pleasant now. When my running adventure is over, I want to try to go by bike at least 3 times per week. That should really help my economy because the gas price is outrageous here and still rising.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Surprisingly, I made it through last night without problem. I was quite tired, though. I'm equally tired tonight, so I'm hopeful. That said, I've had post-training relapses but I think I've taken precautions this time.
    Gil79 likes this.
  15. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Bummer man. I had a similar situation late last year. After a job interview. I don't know what it is, but the build up of major or stressful events seems to help me focus and then completing them and/or getting through them always seemed to 'relax' me and break my guard down. I would assume that it has something to do with the fact that we have used PMO to self medicate our emotions for so long that it becomes a natural "knee-jerk" reaction.

    Keep up the good fight!
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @SeekingWisdom Maybe we think that if we can handle the difficult situations, we take the easy ones for granted. That's probably why I have a history of Friday relapses. I could endure the entire week, but when I could finally relax, it went in the opposite direction.

    It's day three and I'm still tired, but at least I can sleep well again. My motivation is low, but I'm going to try to do some garden work every night instead of doing nothing the whole evening. I don't need to be out for long; the idea is to get a routine going.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I ended up spending two hours outside last night. As long as I can get started, I tend to finish a task. The problem is always to get started, though. Procrastination is a too common ingredient in my life. It's always been, from my school days.

    Today I wanted to bring home the laptop charger from work. I hope nothing happens tomorrow that makes me do it. Tomorrow I've planned a long run after work. I'm anxious because I'm not really "supposed" to run such a distance, but I need to cut a few corners, heh. It's hard to balance running and cycling, but a couple of weeks ago I did a longish run just fine, so I should have some running muscles left. I'll report on Saturday unless I collapse and die somewhere in the woods. Jokes aside, if I can handle a six hour bike ride, an hour's running shouldn't be a problem.
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I have a pretty serious problem with procrastination too. We're surely not alone though :) I hear you on the starting is the toughest part. That initial leap of faith is where it's played out. I think not procrastinating on things that are important to us (or that we need to do) is a habit and that the more we work on flexing the muscle the better the muscle gets. So good on you for working outside yesterday.

    Good luck on the running tomorrow !
    Eternity likes this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Procrastinators of the world unite!

  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day


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